I am the one who changed the rules in the relationship between Big and myself.
I am the one who fell IN love with him rather than simply loving him.

I knew where and how he stood and I told myself this was ok….. this was acceptable.
And to many degrees it is ok… it is acceptable. But sometimes…. well sometimes I just want more.

I have this restaurant scenario in my head….
You sit at the table with your mind wrapped around the idea of a steak. The waiter comes and you place your order only to have him tell you they are out of steak.
So instead of getting what you really want…. You settle for a hamburger. This really isn’t a huge deal to you as you love hamburgers. They are satisfying and comfortable feeling in your stomach. But steak…. steak is what you adore; steak is what lights your life. But really its ok, a hamburger is an acceptable trade-off.

Sometimes…. just sometimes mind you, I feel like that hamburger. Now logically I know this is not how it truly is. But occasionally it sure feels like it.

When this relationship first began last Oct. Big started a campaign to win my heart. It really was a no hold bar, pull out all the stops wooing. And woo me he did, in very short order. Now at times I feel like he has accomplished goal… he has won me so the thrill of the hunt is gone now.

Now don’t get me wrong…. This is not how it always is. He treats me with, care and respect. And there are times when I feel cherished, loved, and adored. These times of course are rationed but generally each one gets me thru the dry spell until the next.

Three of us have now moved to point where we consider the quad a whole, and love each with equal fervor. Each love is different, but strong and powerful in its own right. And then you have a fourth who is still struggling with yours and mine…… it is simply a waiting game. A balancing act until hopefully one day he crosses over.

When that day comes, it won’t just be me who benefits. The entire quad will benefit. The relationship of the four will finally solidify to become one working unit.

We have successfully accomplished this goal when you look at us as a family. We are a cohesive and working unit. The adults have roles as providers and caregivers that play off of each other in perfect harmony. The children have come together as a sibling unit that warms the heart. Yes as a family we are one. The lines of yours and mine are blurry and in time will fade away.
But as a romantic quad… we work each day to move to a place where the line of yours and mine fade into non-existence.

Temptress

I am adult enough to admit my coming June birthday has me melancholy. Since this is my 38th birthday you may be thinking that the reason is that I am now pushing that big FOUR ZERO.
Nope… that’s not it at all.

If you have read any of our site you know that I have 5 children. I am one of those woman to whom pregnancy and childbirth come easy. My babies have nursed like troopers and been little jewels during their infancy. No this blue funk has nothing to do with being this side of 40 it has to do with the fact that it is slowly sinking in that my childbearing days are officially over. Several years ago while pregnant with baby 5, Fix and I decided that 5 was our magic number and we were done. So being the man and the wonderful hubby is…. He went and got the “ Big V” a few short weeks before our last angel arrived.

When the last child of the family graduates high school I will be 54. Still young enough to enjoy life with my spouses. Young enough to enjoy traveling and the many pleasures of life without children in tow. Also as you can imagine with 10 kids, the eldest being 19 and engaged, the likelihood of being a grandmother by 40 or shortly thereafter is a huge possibility.

As some of you may have figured out by reading a few of my previous blogs…. My heart follows the lead of my logic thinking head. But then invariably somewhere along the line my heart says “ hey , wait… I don’t REALLY agree with you…. I don’t REALLY feel like that.” When this happens…. I’m usually in big trouble. My logical thinking head and my tender loving heart go to war. My emotions are usually the casualties.

So when the “ Big V” was decided my head and heart agreed that economically we were done. Physically because of my age making me “high risk”, we were done. But the real deciding factor was that we would be in our mid 50’s upon the last child’s graduation and we really wanted to enjoy our lives with no kidlets at home while young enough to do so. So that’s it….head and heart both in agreement. Done deal. My baby days were officially over. And for the last two years I can honestly say that other than the slight twinge and pang whenever I saw a new baby in the grocery, I handled the decision well.

That is until my heart decided to speak up and let it’s real feelings be known. BQ ( before quad) I had begun to have little thoughts and feelings, I tamped them down fairly easily and didn’t let them affect me to much. I continued to let my logical brain talk the heart into submission. Once the quad was solidified the heart started to speak louder and now it is literally screaming at my head demanding attention. Demanding to be heard and to be answered. And since I am speaking honestly, the birth of a sister-in-law’s baby last week hasn’t helped much either.

My heart longs to feel the soft kicks and flips of a growing baby. My breasts almost ache with the need to feel a new life suckle at them. I have had sleepy time dreams of having the hands of all three of my loves feeling the squirms and wiggles of my expanding middle. And having their strength and love support me during the task of childbirth.
I want to snuggle into bed, the 4 of us and marvel at tiny fingers and toes. I want to be enchanted by the life we created and to fall in love with the new little person whose life is proof of the love and commitment we 4 share.

But then rudely and loudly my head reminds me….. my age is now a factor. Our plans for the future are meaningful and important to us. And that even if my heart won out there will be no little one as both my Fix and Mr. Big have done the deed and the “Big V” has won.

And so as I pass this birthday, I have but one wish to make as I blow out the candles this year.
I wish for peace with the decision that was made several years ago…. I wish for the war between my head and heart to be over.
I wish that I could finally move past the what ifs.

But truthfully what I really wish is…………………………..

No. That’s just not possible.

I love the idea of one man married to and in love with one woman for a lifetime. But I don’t find that to be the norm in Christian circles. Very few couples manage to reach this ideal. Christian divorce rates are just as high as the rest of our society. Many Christians are lured into affairs whether they are sexual, emotional, or even something inanimate like their career. Many stayed married for the sake of the kids or how others will view them, but live like roommates; polite and detached. These issues are so normal in today’s society that a serial monogamist going from relationship to relationship is viewed as fine, while a polyamorist involved with more than one person in an open and honest relationship is generally frowned upon.

From a Christian perspective, I want to do what is right based on Biblical teachings. At the same time, I don’t want to necessarily do what the last few generations have done for no reason whatsoever. As I looked at Polyamory, I had to decide if I was going against scripture. Many questions started running through my head. The answers that came from my research formed the basis of my justification for our quad relationship and others like it.

Since so many of the men in the Old Testament were polygamists, when did the Hebrews change to a monogamist society and why?
Are there other examples in the Bible of the culture expanding the rules way beyond what God required? Could that have occurred here?
The Mormons were polygamist until 1890 when Utah became a state. I assume the economic benefits of statehood are why they gave up the practice officially to conform to the norm. Since their faith is reliant on the Bible as well as the book of Mormon, why did they originally choose this lifestyle when the rest (majority or all?) of contemporary Christian denominations are monogamist?
Were women treated more as possessions in the Old Testament times? Assuming you see them as equal with men today, and if the Jews in the Old Testament had felt the same way, would they have been polygamous (when men had multiple spouses) or polyandrous (where the women could have multiple spouses as well)?

I once heard Gandhi given credit for the quote (but I can’t authenticate this information), “I might have been a Christian had I not met so many of them.” I don’t want people to fall away from the faith or never come to it because they see the Bible as a book of don’ts as opposed to a book of dos. Two of the sites that have given me the most to think about include www.libchrist.com and www.patriarchywebsite.com (particularly its sections on polygamy). If you are going through some of the same reflections that I am, please email me any sources you find that give you further direction as well as your thoughts on the subject (mrbig@ourpolylife.org). I find myself in need of communion with others that feel like they are trying to blend these two worlds as I am.

~B

Sometimes when I sit to write a blog entry I find myself wavering between TMI and not wanting to always paint a rosy picture or skew the reality of our lives in the readers eyes. There are so few resources for a committed poly-fi quad. We at times feel as if we are wading thru a quagmire all alone. So I am in hopes that anything I/we write whether it be happy thoughts, troublesome worries, or angry venting will in some way serve to make a path for others that follow behind us.

Life is not always champagne and roses but 8 days out of 10 it is as close to wine and orchids as you can get. The four of us together are happier than we have been in years. And as the NRE (new relationship energy) wears off and we start to settle into “normal” we begin to feel how truly right this really is.

The events of the last 48 hours have rattled me a bit, but in a good way. I always I thought I knew the meaning of loving someone so much it hurts…but I was wrong. I think the term comes from that feeling as the love you have for someone grows and expands within your heart. That “hurt” is of the sweetest kind…the kind that makes life mean so very much and your world change and expand in an instant.

Mr. Big and I work together. On occasion our work requires an overnight. Generally it is spent dodging co-workers so they don’t suspect we are rooming together. Big and I are becoming adept at hide and seek as well as putting on our “work faces” when we step out from the safety of the closed doors of our hotel rooms and home.

One day per week usually finds Mr. Big making a several hour trek on his own to deal with business holdings in a neighboring state. This week I was invited along. But instead of leaving in the morning and returning at night as was his usual routine a room in a lovely B&B was secured for the evening before, where time could be spent far from the eyes of co-workers and anyone we might possibly know. We arrived as Mr. and Mrs. X, and left the following morning as such… A rather new experience for us.

We had dinner together, made our way to the inn and spent some time by the lake, whereby my first little twitch occurred. Standing on the dock in the tranquility of the shimmering lake water and barely set sun, and no other soul in site except a lark or two, Big pulled me to him for a kiss with a sly grin on his face and said something I have heard him say to Goddess a hundred times, “Hello Mrs. X ” It threw me for a moment, but I recovered quickly and hid it well. I could feel my heart pound as the realization of where we were, our situation and the entire choice of our lifestyle sunk in to my heart and firmly embedded itself there. For that moment, that space in time, I was Mrs. X.

All of sudden and in the blink of an eye I went from poking this choice with a stick… playing “at” this lifestyle… to finally and fully making the realization that the man standing before me and the woman waiting at home with my “legal” spouse were indeed my spouses as well. This was not a fly by night experiment. These 3 people are the loves of my life. They each have a firm hold on my heart and my life.

So in his sweet and half joking manner Big had uttered 3 words that sent the truth of my reality straight to my heart. For a moment I had that “I can’t breath feeling.” You know the one… the one that comes when you realize for the first time how truly deeply you love someone. The one that many mothers can equate to the feeling of having that new baby laid in your arms… that sweet, strangling, overwhelming feeling of pure and honest love. Well there it was… only as these thoughts passed through my mind in that blink of a moment… It was love times 3 that wrapped itself around me.

We retreated into the mosquito free inn in fairly quick order and took some time to check email on our laptops. I took that perfect diversion as time to calm my racing thoughts… Or so I believed. Upon logging on I found the Blog that Goddess had left earlier in the day (Sweet Compersion) and the words that she wrote touched me deeply and echoed much of what I had been feeling on several occasions. Her words coupled with my newly enlightened feelings were really a bit much. I made a fast getaway to our room where I am very sure Mr. Big suspected nothing amiss. I had a short but relieving cry. The good kind of cry… the “I’m so happy I think my heart may explode” sort.

I made a short call to Goddess afterwards… and found myself unable to say what was in my heart and all that I really wanted to say. So I made chit chat and the usual “I was thinking about you” conversation, which seemed to satisfy Goddess as to my reason for the call. Within short order and unaware of the most recent events playing out in my heart and mind……Big joined me in our room. A shower was proposed, to which I happily agreed. A little shower play took place and my already tender and swelling heart was about to be dug into once more.

Big is tender and loving and exciting. Wild and passionate are not words I generally would use…. But he has his own style that does not require wild and passionate to be exciting and at times erotic. Big is also short on words… He uses that silver tongue of his in business, but pillow talk is not usually his style. Most of his words of endearment are generally few and usually saved for Goddess, lest that habit with me cause a slip in public.

That said… when I reached a point in the shower where I thought my knees would give way from his lovemaking he wrapped his arms around me, pulled me against him, tucked me against his shoulder and whispered “ it’s ok Baby, I got you.” Sigh… That was all the prompting I needed. I could see his usual persona has been cast aside for what Goddess refers to as “Vacation Big.” Ok… Melting point 3 for the night, shall we make it 4??

After we retired to the bed Big began a mission… a mission he accomplished in a manner I can only describe as the sweetest of lovemaking lest this were to become an X rated blog. His kisses on my lips were tender and passionate and at one point they changed from what I have become accustomed to as his normal style to one that was enticing and exciting and deeply sensual and yet the gentleness and feeling he put into it touched me deeply in many ways.

Goddess said in her blog she was hoping this get away would give us a chance to “bond.” I can not and will not speak for Big, but I am bonded beyond belief. That night as I watched him slip into sleep I gazed at our fingers intertwined. I would drift off into a light sleep for a few minutes and then my eyes would open….. each time waking to gaze at his sleeping face in wonderment. My mind spent the majority of the night thinking thoughts of my loves, and our “situation”…. And this life we have chosen.

The soft and gentle love I had felt for Big has changed. In the course of an evening, my friend and my lover has become so much more. He has been elevated to husband of my heart. The law will never allow him that place legally and we have in jest and in half seriousness made references to that of “other” husband/wife, etc. But until now they were words… I now feel connected to him in a way I did not ever expect to be.

When we returned home in the late, late hours of the night Goddess was already gone for a weekend get away with friends. That left 2 men alone in their beds… And for once when given that choice my heart felt pulled. The choice was not for sex… it was for simply cuddling up next to a man I loved and sleeping. I couldn’t make that decision nor did I want to. I had no desire to choose one over the other, so I allowed Big to choose for me. With his choice made, I slipped between the sheets of my bed, snuggled next to a sleeping Fix and for the second night in row found myself spending the night gazing at the sleeping form of a man that I loved beyond all imagination.

So now my quandary… Six months ago I stood on a beach, looked Big in the eye and took a leap of faith. I had to admit to him that I loved him when I thought I would not ever really “love” him. After years of feeling that Fix was the only man I would love, I admitted to Big and to myself that he had captured my heart as well. It was a tender sort of love, not an all encompassing love such as I have for Fix.

I have said to Big that I understand his need for the primary relationships status, rather than an “everyone is everyone’s” sort of arrangement. And most times I agree why this is a good thing for our quad. He has said on at least two occasions he feels he is “shorting” me because Goddess holds her place in his heart as primary and no matter his love for me, he will never love anyone (me) in that manner. I am good with this. It is as it should be for him. It is as I expected I too would always feel about Fix or my ability to love another man… and I have voiced this sentiment to Big. As I said, I am very much at ease with the “relationship” we have. By that I mean it is as it should be for what gives him peace of mind and heart. And if he is at peace, then I am happily accepting of his need for “separation” or “elevation” of primary status as it were. However, I can not say that separation exists for me any longer. I love the 3 of them as equals. They each bring me great joy and even greater love. But now, I feel so much more. I can’t begin to describe the feelings running thru my head and my heart.

Big is good at reading me. He has gotten adept at that in fairly short order. He may not always know “what” is up…. But he usually nails that there is something at least. I need for Big to understand that even though my feelings have changed, or rather evolved…. I do not expect his too. I am still very happy with the position with which he has placed our relationship. And I don’t wish for him to feel any pressure because I no longer feel a separation. I want him to carry on status quo and to just continue loving me in the way that feels most comfortable for him.

So now to find the best way to explain this to him… because when confronted I tend to clam up. I find myself tongue tied and unable to coherently say the words that need saying in a manner that is best understandable by the husbandly sorts… I suppose I simply need to tell him that yes, I love him, but now I am deeply and irrevocably IN love with him.

Temptress

On the road to “do no harm” to our children and their world, we’ve chosen the path of least resistance; at least for now. We never thought we could hide the true nature of our poly existence forever, but we knew age and maturity would help their understanding of the more complex and grown-up nature of the full story. The old expression “you can’t fool the feet under your own table” rings exceedingly true with children. They are great detectors of fishiness. They may not be able to identify the actual truth, but they know when more is going on under the surface.

First, let me defend our original plan to reserve adult matters for behind closed doors. The main reason we didn’t come right out and admit to our cross coupling was for their protection. There are people in our lives and in our small community that would be less than supportive and we didn’t want contradictory propaganda being secretly funneled to the children. The last thing on this earth I want is for my children to feel the need to defend their parent’s choices. Those are my battles to fight, not theirs, and definitely not at this tender age.

Because of the age spacing of our children, they seem to be divided into two sets: The Olders (all middle school ages) and the Youngers (early elementary and below). We are certain that the younger set will grow up thinking two families sharing space is a perfectly normal thing to do. The older set, however, has the single family mindset from the past decade to resolve. It’s a small leap, really, because we are such a large family, to be able more easily to double our numbers than if we had been a family of three or four in the beginning. To the kids, we’re now just more friends to play with and more people with whom to divvy chores.

We had the obligatory “we’re blending the families and it’s a good choice for us and it’s a long term commitment” conversations over the first few months. After that came the “I understand it’s disrupting what you’re used to, but we’re all making changes together and we’ll just have to work it out as a team” talks. This last talk though, surprised me. I didn’t think we’d have to have the “nobody’s sneaking around doing anything and everybody is okay with that” conversation for at least a few more years. But with summer coming and school not a decent cover any longer for some of our extracurricular activities, the quad had come to the conclusion that we’d either have to scale down our togetherness (not a choice we favored) or be proactive on the public displays of affection. We called the Olders to a family meeting.

So there we sat; the four of us and the four of them. I’m not sure who was more anxious over the conclusion of the discussion, but the time had come to present a unified front. Big started out, “The adults feel like we’re being followed…” Immediately the kids eyes dropped to their laps and the chairs started swiveling. Busted – they obviously had suspected something. Although they all swore they suspected nothing, their tells gave them away. Without giving immature minds any more fodder than they were able to handle, Big concluded with this blanket statement, “We just want all of you to understand… NOTHING is going on here that all four of the parents aren’t both aware of and in agreement about. Any questions?” At this point, not one of the kids dared looked up from whatever was so interesting on the floor and the tension in the air was so tight the only way to respond was the knowing and humored glances between parents.

So, it was done. We’d pulled back the covers just enough to let some light shine in. The quad sat around that table for quite a while after the Olders were dismissed to bed. Tomorrow we would each corner a child respectively and do a little further probing. As it turns out, one was oblivious, one was naively in her own little world, one was suspicious, and one thought he had it all figured out. The parents neither confirmed nor denied any allegations but stuck firmly to our bottom line. Our life is a choice. It’s not like anyone else’s. We did this on purpose, for many reasons, but where there is love and commitment a family can be whatever you decide it to be. It works for us and it’s a very, very good thing.

~Goddess, 5-25-06

You might think that one day you have to leave the nest and go on a long trip for the Workgod. I had to go out of town on a week long trip for the new boss. I had to prove my worthiness to him. So I worked all day and headed to the motel. I got the bags out and checked in. I told the guys I’d see them in a bit. Then I went for dinner at the local grease pit. All I could do was to get back to the room and get plugged in to call the wives and get web cam going. The first thing is the “miss you” and “how’s everything going.” Then the kids line up to talk to dad. Well, I listened to every word and sound… wondering if they’re really ok and knowing that I hurt the wives by leaving. When I left, one cried at the thought of saying good bye that morning and the other one cried when she thought she could be strong and could not, but failed. So I said goodbye and headed out the door… during the 250 mile trip I wondered if it was the right thing to do. “But its only 5 days and 4 nights,” I kept telling myself.

What’s one to do?? Well, I go to work like millions do. You hug and kiss the family and tell them how much you love them – And you go with a smile on your face. Then as soon as you get out of sight, you wipe the tears away and head down the road. You get to work and do your job, but I’m thinking of the quad and the kids, worrying about them all day.

You see, the kids and the wife gets on the web cam and you see she is upset and you do the best you can do knowing you can’t make it better than what it is. Then both get on and then you are really missing them now. To see them together, holding each other on the screen, I get this feeling all over that they are good and safe. You know that Big is there and that the wife won’t be alone in bed and she will get loved and held all night so the boogy men stay away. That’s what this is supposed to be – knowing that life can go on with out fear. Right??. Well you know that the face you see on screen is a lie. You know that they are worried about you getting home, driving back, making it home in one piece, and that you come back as you left.

Its harder now to leave for long times. I did not expect this; the rush of feelings that go with having a quad relationship. You know that you love them, but you don’t get to feel the full affects till you leave and sit in a room by yourself and knowing that you should be home and wishing it was Friday noon and on your way back. Leaving overnight is one thing but this long week is too much, at lest for me. Getting to see them on the screen is not good enough. You feel that your not part of what’s going on… and you’re lonely. You’re wishing you were part of the hugs, helping settle battles with the boys, and listening to the girl’s drama queen important stuff. It’s seeing the little ones first something, worrying about the drip in the garage and under the sink that you couldn’t get to before you left. Its normal life stuff you would not think about – at least I didn’t for years.

But one day you grow up and feel the love the world can offer and it’s a lot if you open your heart up and let your feelings go… so what is one to do? I don’t know about you but I going home when my job is done here and I’m never leaving again.

Fix, 5-25-06

You’ve heard the old joke…

1. If I like it, it’s mine.

2. If it’s in my hand, it’s mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.

5. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I’m doing or building something, all of the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks like mine, it’s mine.

8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If it’s broken, it’s yours.

Any of you who have ever had a toddler will understand how NOT funny it really is.  Big and Goddess felt that way about a Cartoon strip by the title Calvin and Hobbes written by Bill Watterson.  They always loved the devilish and trying nature of Calvin until they, by no fault of their own, birthed such a child who challenged them at every turn and continues to do so to this day.

The point is, it’s easy to laugh at the outlandish and implausible conditions that we theoretically say, “Can you believe someone would actually act that way?”  But then again, we turn around and something in our adult reality makes that beguiling childish behavior not only understandable, but something akin to quicksand.  You’re not completely sure how you landed in it, you hate being in it, and you’re not totally sure how to escape it.  Sharing freely is a tough concept.    Even for mature adults.  And when the “item” in question is a spouse, then it’s a larger hurdle indeed.

Jealousy has been linked to other emotions like fear and insecurity.  Question becomes then; What are you afraid of?  What am I afraid of?  For the most part, it is childish reasoning.  “If I don’t possess it, then it won’t be mine.”  Perhaps once we fully realize that only by letting something free can we be certain it’s “ours” by choice.  Otherwise, it’s caged or trapped.  And feeling like one HAS to be somewhere is a pretty poor existence.  It takes away the ability to give without restraint and the joy of serving.

The good news is these immature behaviors can be eradicated, or at least severely reduced, from our lives with a firm decision and some tenacity of purpose.  That doesn’t mean that jealousy won’t tempt you at times to slip once again into that quagmire, but what we do with our emotions is a choice.  It’s all about viewing the option to “love more” in the terms of what you’ve gained, rather than what you’re sacrificing.

Our quad made the decision to blend with our eyes wide open.  We talked at length about how things would work, where our lines were, and what we expected from each other and this relationship.  Even with all that preparation, some moments have taken us aback.  Suddenly and sometimes for no reason, the Green Eyed Monster makes his appearance.  What we’ve learned to do is back up a few steps and deal directly with the heart of the issue.  After the immediate crisis calms, we learn to be more proactive at keeping our communication open and being transparent with each other about how we’re feeling.  No matter what someone claims, it’s difficult transition to now share what once was yours exclusively.

Another way this can affect you is to want more of something someone else has, even if it’s not yours.  That can more easily be labeled greed or selfishness, but it’s a childish response all the same.  Goddess is perfectly honest when admitting she has had certain pangs watching Fix and Temptress in their quiet and alone time; it is hard to stand afar and watch something so enchanting without wanting to be in it’s midst.  Then we must remind ourselves in the moments of twos and threes, each coupling needs time to just BE.  Just because we’ve entered a new phase of togetherness doesn’t mean we’ve lost those original ties, or that we are joined at the hip.  It’s all become a balancing act of spending time with the one who needs you most right then.

Actually, the times that are most fulfilling are when the four of us are together.  Abandon your preconceived notions of full time orgies, because the thing we seem to enjoy the most is snuggling up and watching movies together; sometimes with chocolate and sometimes without.  We try to go to dinner without the kids, or find a cool fair or festival to walk about.  Staying close is all about time spent playing together, having fun, and removing ourselves from the task of parenting, mortgages, and household maintenance.  It’s about making memories.

It has been said within our little quad that jealousy has no place here.  And while that may be true, it is human nature for that emotion to appear even in the most innocent of settings.  It could be something as silly as the making of a lunch that can cause the monster to appear.  Temptress has made Fix’s lunch for 15 years, generally standard lunch offerings and the occasional sweet treat or love note. Goddess knowing Temptress’s absolute distaste for waking in the wee morning hours has taken over that chore and has prepared the most scrumptious of fare that generally includes a banana with a message of love scribbled on the skin.  Amazing how such a small act of love could entice that little green monster from his hiding place.

Once the issue was identified, the solving came in the form of a simple conversation between the two women. It was not that Goddess was trying to “out do” Temptress.  It was simply that Goddess felt when one is entrusted with something or someone that belongs to someone else, it’s an imperative that  you care for it in the most precious of ways.

By his own admission, Mr. Big has admitted to be lagging behind his 3 counterparts in the total acceptance and sharing ability of the quad.  Big has said that he wants this. He enjoys the closeness and camaraderie of the two couples. He sees the benefits of a blended family. He is in love with Goddess and yes, he loves Temptress.

Fix has basically said that Temptress has rights to make her own choices; she is not required to ask his approval before time is spent with Mr. Big.  Goddess however does not yet feel she has that same freedom. She feels that time with Fix must be “arranged.”

It is not that Big is uncaring, or being difficult. It is simply that in the evolution of moving from a monogamous marriage to a poly amorous marriage he has been unable to cross that final hurdle.  We see each day that he makes progress, but its in baby steps.  2 steps forward and one step back. And while this is a slow and oft times frustrating way of going, we know that in time he will join us “on the other side.”

Even in giving Temptress free reign, Fix is not without his challenges to overcome.  Driven by his work schedule, the available “play time” is limited.  When compared to the flexible days Temptress and Big encounter, it’s hard to hold back creeping resentment.  It’s really a matter of opportunities.  Sometimes they present themselves, but sometimes they must be carefully crafted.

The point is, none of us are immune to human nature.  If it is a battle we are to fight, turning our back on our foe is dangerous.  Keeping an awareness of which matters make you twinge is a good start.  Communication and true transparency must be the cornerstone of your commitment.  Make a decision to put your childish things away and walk into your adult world prepared for your inner child to occasionally tug on your sleeve.

~Goddess and Temptress, 5-25-06

In a recent survey, 95% of men admitted that their biggest sexual fantasy is two women at one time. After further research, the other 5% were found to be dead, lying, or deaf. When I start trying to explain to the women in my life why it was such a holy grail, I fall short. How do you explain the male sex drive to women? From puberty until, a young man tries to imagine finding a girl who might actually do “it” with him. Like all young men, a lack of any finesse, actual knowledge, or good pick-up lines proved a bit of a deterrent. After searching for years, some soft creature takes pity on you and you think you found heaven on earth. The idea that you might rate the company of two of these creatures simultaneously is unfathomable.

Of course, the fantasy is always what the first time would be like. If it ever happens, it will be her idea and at her invitation. If it happens once and she approves, realize it will probably happen again. After a half dozen encounters or so, you realize there’s not really that many things you can do with two vaginas that you can’t do with just one. Any position you imagine in these fantasies can be done in two steps with just one lover.

After the first few times, you are in for a few rude awakenings. You probably won’t remain the main attraction for long. At some point their cycles sync up, making life even more of a roller coaster. You’re also about to learn that you don’t know as much about making love to a woman as you thought you did. Remember the Seinfeld when Elaine tries to convert a guy to heterosexuality? She decides she doesn’t stand a chance because the other team has access to the equipment all the time and she only has access for an hour or so per week. Trust me, you don’t hold a candle. The most important thing you bring to bed at that point is a willingness to learn and a pen and paper for taking notes. I used a technique shown to me the other day and set a new personal record for partner pleasing. The rest of the guests at the B&B with the thin walls put us on the ‘Liars or Legends” bulletin board. I’m not sure if we’ll be invited back for free or banned from there forever.

I tell you all this because the biggest reason most guys come down this path is the sexual expectations. Like most things in life, you probably built it up too much in your head. I came into the poly community this way but I have chosen to stay for much different reasons. A wise person learns from others experiences as well as his own. You may be on the outside considering coming in or inside thinking of leaving. As you make any decisions, know yourself, your options, and your reasons. Choose your path wisely.

~B

Once in a great while, a man gets to put down his thoughts onto paper with the clarity that can only come from simultaneously having a very full stomach and EXTREMELY empty seminal vessels. At first you feel a bit dazed since you’re not on the hunt for your two basic life necessities. From this vantage point of abundance, I sense that I have pursued some things as if they would run out when that is not even in the realm of possibilities. For instance, did I really need that third plate of food at the Buffet? Do they ever actually run out of food? I may have gotten more food for my money, but did I spend less on food that day because of it? I probably spent more money having to buy bigger pants because of it.

Time is the only limited commodity and all you really control is the current moment of your existence. I remember having such a paradigm shift years ago but seem to have slipped back into limiting thought patterns over the last few years. If I could hold on more loosely to what’s “mine” and imagine what is possible, what can I achieve? How much does worrying about past moments eat away at right now, not to mention the doubts it can create? Does this scarcity mentality create most of the feelings of jealousy I find creeping up on me from time to time? When I feel like I can’t get enough of my spouse, I begin to try to pull her towards me. As I pull on her, she pulls away from me. Of course I feel slighted when she is at the busiest points of her day, week or month. She wants a little time to spend with all three of us and I start operating under the guidelines of the property laws of a toddler where everything is “mine” and I can’t share. Actually I still see Temptress as Fix’s at that point in my mind. When I should be focusing on her (since Goddess is busy), I actually find myself totally ignoring Temptress. Not much good is going to come of the day. I can’t imagine why both girls don’t like me that way.

The women in my life are much more drawn to me when I see life as abundant. If I spend time working on projects that make me feel stronger, I like myself more as well. A little absence should also make their hearts grow fonder. I could even argue that the abundance would increase if I were less available. I wish I could hold on to this attitude on a permanent basis. If only my stomach wasn’t emptying as my vessels were filling.

~B

I’m not sure how I got here to be perfectly candid. I consider myself to be a conservative, Christian, republican, entrepreneurial, family man. Now I’m adding oldest poly-fidelity clansman to my roster and I’m not certain how it fits. I had enough to worry about with my health, businesses, and family with my oldest kids entering their teen years. I had mapped out a future that included seminary and international business. I took a turn around a corner and fell down the rabbit hole into a magical world that makes me question everything about myself and my life.

I am accustomed to being totally transparent with everyone around me. What you see is what you get. Now I’m living a secret life as well. Most of the people in my world to date would not be able to mentally process the changes we’ve chosen for our lives. I’ve studied enough material to defend my choices and how they fit in my faith within my own head. I’m still not ready to try to argue said choices with conservative friends and family. I have an incredible group of wise, silver-headed mentors I rely on with my businesses that would probably chalk the whole experience up to demon possession. I have no interest in trying to change their perspective on life. With an average age of 65, these men see life through their own glasses. Most of my views fall in line with theirs, but I do find that some Christian beliefs are created by the more current cultures carrying on traditions rather than on actual biblical teaching. That subject can be a blog for another day.

I thought I had outgrown toddler possessiveness a few decades ago. Fears, doubts, and jealousies can rear their ugly heads when you least expect them. I know we’re still in the honeymoon phase of this relationship. If one relationship between the two of us created the challenges it did, what kind of pandemonium can the six relationships (five of which are romantic) between the four of us create

I find I have much further to travel than my three counterparts. Most of the journey takes place in the six inches between my ears. The lines between genius and insanity grow thinner and more blurry by the day. I don’t think there are many people to whom I would suggest this journey. I’m not sure I would take it again. But now that I’m here, I don’t want to go back. I’ve always liked the saying “what doesn’t kill you, will make you stronger”. I feel like I’m growing by leaps and bounds through this process. .

~B

Morning has broken, like the first morning
Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird
Praise for the singing, praise for the morning…
Ok… I admit it. I’m a Cat Steven’s fan. Always have been. I find it odd one of my favorite songs of his is about my least favorite time of day.

I have by no stretch of the word ever been a morning person. Most especially when “morning” comes well before the rising of the sun. But of late, that time just before the sun rises when the house is still dark and quiet and the birds are not yet awake, has become a time that I actually look forward to.

My darling husband slips from the bed softly so as not to wake me while he prepares for his day at work and then after a soft kiss on my cheek heads to the dining room for breakfast with our Goddess. She, like hubby, is a morning person. So his breakfast awaits him as does his packed lunch for work. They enjoy a few minutes of conversation while the rest of the house slumbers. On some rare but wonderful mornings after he has driven away I hear the soft click of the door and gentle pad of feet as Goddess makes her way to my bedside to slip in between the sheets and wrap her arms around me.

There we lay, talking softly and cuddling, reveling in the great joy we have in being a part of this relationship of four that has brought us such great joy. And just as the sun is about to break she slips softly from the room and goes to wake the children to begin their day for school.

I usually lay there a few minutes more before I drag myself from the bed in such of great quantities of caffine. And during that time just as the veil of darkness lifts I think how lucky I am to have not only the love of my darling husband. But also that of Goddess and Mr. Big.
My heart is full and satisfied.

Life just doesn’t get any better than that.

Temptress

I stood there in the garage and watched them drive away; my husband and our Temptress.  They are going away for business, but I know there is ever so much more planned than those meetings on the agenda.  I smiled.  I felt all warm inside. 

It’s something I’ve felt before, but never had a term to describe it.  Like once when I found my lovers asleep in each other’s arms.  And another time when I happened upon a quiet stolen kiss.  It’s not a voyeuristic rush, but rather this soft glow; comfortable, familiar, satisfying.  I also feel it when Fix reads our girls a bedtime story.  Or when my boys slip and call one of my lovers “mom” or “dad.”  It’s the peace I have that means we’re doing the right thing, that the ability to love more can’t be wrong, and that there is, indeed, a certain security in numbers. 

I found this word, compersion, quite by chance just recently in my poly research and it struck me how ironic a feeling that must be as old as human emotion itself only had been named in the last several decades.  It is defined below (taken from The Polyamory Society Compersion Index, www.polyamorysociety.org) 

Compersion n : the feeling of taking joy in the joy that others you love share among themselves, especially taking joy in the knowledge that your beloveds are expressing their love for one another, the term was coined by the Keristan Commune in San Francisco which practiced Polyfidelity, Kerista disbanded in the early 1990’s. 

When I “googled” the term compersion, I unearthed more than 23, 000 websites on the subject.  So obviously I’m not the first one to come to a place where I’m happy when others I love are happy.  But this word is definitely the opposite of jealousy – another undeniable human emotion. 

They looked so cute backing out of the drive; kind of excited in a nervous sort of way.  It will be their first time staying away as “Mr. and Mrs.” As new as our situation still is, we haven’t had a lot of occasion to be together away from home.  It’s really hard for us to cross couple weekends away because of the combination of our kids and our closeted status.  We are not ready (or, rather, the kids are not ready) for a full-blown “run screaming from the closet” poly conversion, so we wait for those concealed moments to come; those natural opportunities for two of us to slip away. 

Hours later, I can’t stop smiling.  I’d been hoping they’d have a chance to get away for a while.  Maybe it’s because I know how much fun they are about to have.  Perhaps it’s because I know how important the bonding process is.  I’ll even go so far as to say that I feel the more they love each other, the larger capacity for love they’ll in turn, have for me.  I could argue that compersion is not an altruistic emotion at all, but rather, a selfish one.  All I can say for certain is that two people I love are enjoying loving each other, and it’s an extraordinary feeling. 

~Goddess, 5-3-06