Bright lights, slot machines, indulgent buffets, beautiful show girls, all night action…  Vegas is a hot spot for tourist and conventioneers alike.  This time we headed out for a work related convention Big and Temptress needed to attend.  Considering the time frame, it seemed to be an excellent opportunity for the four of us to get away together, give Fix and I some much needed alone time, and have a great adult only vacation at the same time.  Only nothing went as I anticipated. 

We had some group goals for this week.  Our homesick desert boy wanted to take a drive back to the home town some hours away and experience a trip down memory lane.  The two working stiffs had the better part of the week in conferences.  That left the quad with a full weekend to enjoy a
Las Vegas where practically nothing is frowned upon and we would be free to enjoy ourselves with the freedom that rarely presents itself. 

The first day was positively enchanting.  Although Big was already involved in some client training, the three remaining had the chance to unwind and spend the day enjoying some time shopping and lazing by the pool.  Even in a town with a name like “
Sin
City” there were some visitors not quite prepared for our type of Sodom and
Gomorrah.  Not like there was any perverse behaviors going on, but the sight of the three of us holding hands, hugging necks, or *GASP* kissing left some of our observers obviously horror struck. 

***ok, a little disclaimer here about the kissing comment… there was no tongue at any time, and no three-way anything going on.  We were surrounded by kids at the family pool.  Merely a peck on the lips from Fix to both of us intermittingly,  making it obvious to all who followed us that the three of us were quite together and perfectly ok with the whole concept of sharing.*** 

We had people not only watching casually, but some practically gawking and pointing.  Not normally being a very self conscious person, I had to get a grip on myself pretty quickly and remember it was my vacation too and I wasn’t doing anything different than what many of the mono couples were enjoying without concern.  Actually, after a few minutes I began taking secret delight in the shock factor of those unscrupulous enough to begin case studies of our frolicking. 

Over the rest of the week, we did the normal tourist things.  We played some slots, saw some shows, took a day trip in a rental car, did a little pool side sun worshipping, took lots of photographs, ate at some cool themed restaurants, bought souvenirs for the kids, splurged on a few exotic cocktails, and did our fair share of people watching; all the while enjoying the company of those available for the time. 

Big and Temptress spent many long hours sitting and listening and trying to disregard the hard truth that Fix and I were vacationing and they were working.  By the time they arrived back at the hotel each evening, Fix and I were tired (we’re not so much night people anyway) and my fear that they would feel somehow left out became a reality. 

I know they wanted us to enjoy ourselves.  I know everyone was aware from the beginning the discrepancy that would exist in our schedules and freedoms for the week.  But accurate expectations can’t always save one from feeling the pinch of having to watch someone else have something you want.  The conference end could not come quickly enough for any of us.  Fix and I talked all week about the things we would do with quad, all the cool things we wanted to share with Big and Temptress once they were available. 

Unfortunately, there were some extenuating circumstances regarding our day trip (not mine to tell) that had come to bear on our Fix leaving him restless and processing a great deal of emotional information.  In addition to that we can add Big’s inclination towards fluctuating neediness, Temptress’ easily wounded sensibilities, my bad habit of recessing inward in the face of turmoil and our expectations of a good time being had by all came to a screeching halt. 

It wasn’t like we were miserable the entire trip.  We had our bright moments.  But I was not prepared for the roller coaster our week became.  All in all it was a very good learning experience.  I know in the face of adversity we are still committed to working things out; that regardless of our occasional hurtful words we still love and want the best for each other; and none of us are too proud to utter apologies and expressions of healing when we know we’ve been the source of someone else’s pain.  I know what they say about that city, but this time, what happened in Vegas doesn’t stay in Vegas.  It gets tucked carefully for safe keeping in the pocket over my heart. 

~Goddess, 6-30-06

In my many years of being accused an eternal optimist, I’ve rarely encountered a situation that looked so dismal that I couldn’t pull out a ray of sunshine on some level.  Consider me a perpetual Pollyanna because I just don’t see the point of focusing on the potential negative outcomes of any situation. 

The way I see it, it’s all about expectations and self fulfilling prophecies.  Perhaps it’s the years of professional training in the “positive mental attitude” camp, but I firmly believe you have to create the future you want for yourself and that begins with the seeds you plant in your own fertile mind.  Don’t like the direction something is going?  Erase those pathways and create some new ones that go down a different course. 

I’ll give you the fact that it’s all easier said than done.  Many times we have all this baggage from years of doing it wrong, or having it modeled wrong for us when we were children.  Bad habits ingrain early and stay late.  Of course backing up and redoing many years of negative ways will be harder than “letting sleeping dogs lie,” but I know from experience, those dogs you let lie wake up as tigers, and when they do, their appetite is voracious.  It boils down to taking control of your life or letting your life control you. 

What I know is that no one promised this life would be fair, or even easy.  At some point you have to take responsibility for your own attitude and take steps to steady the position you choose in life.  There are consequences to every action, whether good or bad; whether immediate or delayed.  You can’t always see them coming, but generally, you can surmise the possibilities.  With a little forethought you can avoid a lot of pain and in the process build yourself the dreams you said you wanted.  

I have heard said, “If you don’t get what you want in life, either you didn’t want it badly enough, or you quibbled over the price.”  I cannot begin to emphasize the truth in that statement.  I’ve found it to be accurate more times than I care to count, even when I didn’t want to acknowledge its truth. 

But in this instance, I want what I want far more than I want pride or righteousness or self gratification.  I have forever on the brain and I’m not the kind who thinks quitting because something gets complicated is an option.  I know we have what it takes to make it, I am willing to do whatever it takes on my part, and I’m betting my loves feel the same way.  I’m not going into our new arrangement with a “let’s see if this will work” kind of attitude.  I have a “do or die trying” mentality.  And in the immortal words of one heck of a wise little green man, “There is no try, only do.”  Good thing we’re all Star Wars fans. 

~Goddess, 6-29-06

I’ve never considered myself one of those people full of irrational fears.  I am afraid of some things – snakes, loosing a child, death by drowning – but they don’t control my life and generally I’m able to keep those fears at bay and live my life without too much interference.  However, recently I’ve discovered that in addition to other concealed aspects of my life, I am a closet Claustrophobic.  It’s not that I can’t get onto elevators, or that I’m afraid of small dark closets, it’s just that in some situations I begin feeling like I can’t breathe.   

The first time this reared its head was on a very long cross continental flight from the East Coast to the middle of the
Pacific Ocean.  I was thrilled at the prospect of a non stop flight; no changing planes, no chances of missing a connection, just get in, enjoy the ride, and get off in some exotic locale.  About 7 hours into our 14 hour trip, that gigantic metal tube we were inside started to get a lot smaller.  By hour 11, I was pacing the aisles and staring out the windows gasping for breath.  I even unnerved the flight attendants who tried without success to guide me back into that straight jacket they call a seat.  From then on, layovers and connecting flights were no longer an inconvenience for me. 

Now I sense the tightening of my lungs coming on me in large moving crowds (think sporting events and airports), when I lose sight of my children, and when the ones I love are fighting.  It’s a painful process to watch two people who are both obviously so right and so wrong at the same time hash through issues long past due an overhaul.  It’s painful to realize it’s not my place or responsibility to make things right between others.  And it’s painful to be in a place of no escape to have to be still and listen to two people tear each other to pieces. 

I’m no angel and still very guilty of finding myself amid quarrel with someone who is very near and dear to my heart.  There are those times when there appear to be no real issues, yet that unsettled and argumentative side of me seems to be ready to tussle over the least annoyance.  Those times pain me more than when there is a real situation to resolve, because it is then I feel even more responsible for the lack of harmony in the home.  Any one (or two) of us in struggle effects all of us; each in very different ways.  The ripple effect in the waters of contention are long lasting. 

The thing I’ve come to discover is that no matter the severity of the issues at hand, it takes two to tango.  As individuals we have the opportunity to dissipate tension with calm words or attitude changes.  Any little quip only adds intensity to the fire and those flames of hurt escalate so very quickly.  No one wins, and everyone looses a piece of the ideal that new beginnings create. 

So today I sit on the sidelines with a vested interest and a morbid curiosity in the sparring match that surrounds me.  I clutch my chest, hold my breath, and wait… to exhale. 

~~Goddess, 6-28-06

In our modern world of preached “tolerance” I’m constantly amazed at the double standards that still exist.  How a person can say one thing and then act in a different way confounds my logic.  Yet, in society we still must deal with the repercussions of living an alternate lifestyle. 

As many of you might know, Temptress and I met within a group of ten women, all pregnant and due to deliver babies near the beginning of the new millennia.  Happily, those friendships grew past our bulging bellies and once the babies had all arrived safely, nine of us remained friends and in (almost) daily contact for many years. 

One of the main things that always impressed me about this group of women is how regardless of our pasts, our differences, our unique lifestyles, what seemed to hold us together was our love for our families.  Many issues and challenges had arisen over the years that were overlooked in the name of maintaining friendships.  We shared our lives with each other and at one time I would have considered most any of those ladies closer than family. 

After some discussion, Temptress and I decided it was time to “come out” to this group and let the cards fall as they may.  It had come to a place where we felt to continue being a part of the group without sharing the truth of our new living arrangement would be living a lie.  She and I talked about content and then I drafted what I considered to be a reasonably thought out and carefully worded letter.  We didn’t expect everyone to be in our corner, but the backlash we received was, to be honest, shockingly hurtful. 

From our group of seven friends, we had one already openly living a poly lifestyle, two gals willing to “accept without approving” and four that felt like our admission was free license to hurl all manner of insults and accusations in our direction.  Now without laying any blame in the direction of organized religion, all four of our stone throwers were self proclaimed highly religious (even though their behavior didn’t always synch with their stated values).  It was the ability they had to point at one standard and tell us that we are not measuring up.  We are wrong.  We are doing damage to the families they felt we had been so dedicated to raising “correctly.” 

Now most of that dialogue I could have anticipated.  What shocked me was the admittance by most all of them that they suspected or had sensed something was different; that they almost had come to our conclusion for themselves.  So I ask you this…  Why is it okay for them to continue being friends with us when they suspected and we stayed quiet, but not okay for them to be friends with us (yes, the four of them suspended contact over this) once we admitted the truth.  Was it just too much for them to take?  Are we too out of the ordinary?  Too far from their standards of righteous living?  They have apparently enjoyed their rose colored glasses and choose not to take them off. 

I would like to think that will be the end of this issue, but we all know we’ll possibly encounter these same rebuttals with every group of people we choose to tell.  I wonder what this means to all those people we have considered friends over the years.  I hope that in time our society will embrace those teachings of tolerance and diversity without feeling like we’ve given over completely to anarchy. 

When do we go from living our own lives to trying to direct the lives of others?  When are our rights to live as we choose infringing on the rights of others to live as they choose?  When are our standards in such conflict with those around us that not only avoiding the truth, but in some instances hiding in fear of negative consequences, is an preferable way to live to those who just don’t want to know the gory particulars of our “deviant” lifestyle? 

We don’t march down the street waving any poly banners, and we don’t post any graphic detail of our love lives.  All I want is for those people who knew me “before” to comprehend I’m that same person, regardless of who I love or how. 

~Goddess, 6-26-06

( you know the song)
Don’t know when I’ll be back again……

Ok, so our little quad is of and gone for an entire 8 days !!!
Our 4 eldest are all off to summer camp. The sitter is happily settled here with the 5 littles, and we four are preparing to jet away this evening for a business/vacation trip in an exciting and exotic local.

Not sure how much we’ll be able to upload any blogs written, so they may trickle in or you may find a whole slew of them posted upon our return the 4th 

We have some exciting things in the works for our site visitors and we can’t wait to let you in on our happenings.

Thank you all again for the wonderful comments and emails we have received.
And special “ Hi and thank you” to the DuMa quad. Hugs you guys !!!

Temptress, Goddess, Big and Fix

For some time I have been in my own little world. To take on a poly lifestyle is truly something new. I did the best I could to provide for my family and take care of the things I need to do as well. But, to deal with one family is not the same as two; to come home from work is a real challenge. For me that is.

You see, I am not much for the “Leave it to Beaver” dad. I used to come home and kiss the wife when I felt the need and say “hi” to the kids and hug the baby. Then I would head to the chair and plop my ass there till I felt like getting up to take a shower. Monday thru Friday that was my routine. Saturdays and Sundays I would do the yard and a few things around the house, but made sure I got my nap in when the race started. That was life as I new it.

Then one day I was working out in a field looking over the destruction from the hurricanes in New Orleans and it then hit me like a brick. I hit the ground and cried at the thought of what I had done to the ones I love – how I hade neglected and brushed them off too many times. Then I realized that if I were to be in this type of setting would my family stand beside me or let me go? I could not answer this truly for I have done some really bad things to them and others. I felt I didn’t deserve the love of them. During my weeks on the road and going from place to place repairing power to the people, I had lots of time to convince myself that I was not worthy of my family. Then out of the blue the wife talked to me about this poly lifestyle with our friends. I thought this could be the “out” I needed. Boy, was I wrong!

Instead I fell in love and have felt it all over again like I did years ago with Temptress. My head would not stop spinning with all the thoughts. Then came the guilt over the feelings I had for Goddess. It made me remember how I hadn’t been there for Temptress before. I couldn’t believe how much I lost my focus for Temptress… My head would not stop spinning with all the thoughts.
I had been in the worst situations for the past 6 weeks I didn’t know how to express myself to Temptress so one day we moved to be nearer Big and Goddess. Then the pressure really started – the more kids, the more demanding the need for me was, the more I felt trapped in something I didn’t know I could do. Then one day I had a incident with my son. That made me realize I was not that kind of person and it was the last straw… I felt like shutting down. And I did in the worse way.

I had some trauma when I was a kid and I shut down then also. I regressed and I found myself back there before I knew it. Then one day I woke up in the hospital; scared. I am told I had a nervous breakdown, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from my past issues and the horrors from the things I saw while working hurricane relief and spending 3 months away from my family.

I knew it was the end, but one thing kept telling me over and over in my head I was better then this. This was not the person I wanted to be. My life flashed in my eyes for days. I could not get out of my head all the bad things I have or haven’t done thru the years. I missed my wife and children and didn’t know if I would ever see them again. I don’t believe in therapy or drugs to cure one’s self. I do believe in self-curing. While in the hospital they wanted to drug me. With time I tried it. We had a lot to workout between Temptress and I and I knew this would help both of us, soooo…

I have been out of the hospital and recovering for 5 months and we have been thru a lot of counseling and lots of talks. Goddess and Big and Temptress have been there for me all the way; in the good and the bad days. You see, this medicine helps, but it is not the cure. The cure is for me to find myself. And I am still working on that. I have made a lot of ground, but I still have a ways to go.

To tell you that I still don’t struggle everyday would not be true. I do. But one thing that keeps me pushing forward is my love for my family and my love for myself. I don’t sit in my chair any more, I don’t watch TV that much except to watch with the four of us on movie night. All the children greet me when I come home and I’m greeted by both wives and my friend. I have a list that never stops and I hope it never does because with out them, I am not me… and today is a good day.

~Fix~

Being the ripe old age of 39, I know how fast time can go by. I’ve spent many years wasting my time on dead end jobs and sacrificing time better spent with my family. Temptress and I have been married for fifteen plus years. I’ve been your average trade worker, traveling throughout the country bringing warmth to your life, light to your life, and I’ve probably cleaned your car a time or two. I’ve done a little bit of everything under the sun. I’ve learned how to fix just about anything and everything there is. Some people call me McGuyver, and some people call me Mr. Incredible, but I’m known at home as Fix. Through life you learn how to take apart things, put things back together. You can weld it, put a bolt in it, but some things you can’t fix. Hearts are one of them.

Hearts break. You can glue them back together, but the scars are always there. And believe me, I’ve left a few on Temptress. But we’ve always been able to work things out through love, patience and time – precious time. As Fix I wish could I could fix the problems she has with Big, but as relationships go, they need time to build and grow and it takes a part of both to work through the rough times. I understand that Big has a spiritual dilemma over the conditions in which our new lives have placed us. I know he’ll come through eventually. So for this I stand back, be quiet, and let time work out the problems. We all have our ups and downs; some more than others. But that’s the point of going with the speed of the slowest and it’s working so far. But until then, there are times when it’s hard for not only just me, but Goddess as well, to keep our mouths shut.

You see, Goddess and I are two peas in a pod. Everything between us worked out perfect and smooth. We can talk without talking, and we listen to each other and sense our needs and desires. Finding time is the toughest part when the other half of our quad is in turmoil. For Big and Temptress, they have business related events, drive times, and the like which gives them hours of alone time. For Goddess and I, due to my work schedule, we’re lucky to share an hour in the morning to ourselves. Occasionally, we have some time every week or two when an evening meeting runs late for our partners. We knew this would be the way from the beginning, so time is precious for us too. That’s why we make the most of every minute.

~Fix~

Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. (NRSV, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

This verse seems to be the thing I cling to each day now. It is my guide, my compass, my stalwart companion.

Love is patient….. and patient I am trying so very hard to be. I awake each day with hope and fear. Hope that this will be the day the switch flips, that he gets it.. that everything is now right with his world. And fear that rather than finally stepping thru the door he has realized he can’t do this after all.

Love is not envious or boastful……. Something new has sparked his interest, it takes much of his time lately. He smiles and enjoys the time spent in this new endeavor. I am envious ….. this is time that I wish was mine.

It does not insist on it’s own way; it is not irritable or resentful ….. I want to stamp my foot like a petulant child and demand to be seen… to be heard. And yet the grown woman in me reminds me of my promise. I promised space, I promised time for him to grow in understanding.

It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things …… I believe in this.. I believe in us. I have hope that one day this road is behind us and we walk a smoother path. Life is not to be endured… but to be savored, cherished… lived and enjoyed.

Love never ends ………… and this…. this is what is worth waiting for. The truest of loves…. The kind that indeed doesn’t end.

I have a dream…. Or is it an expectation?

I was told once that dreams are useful for creating vision in the direction you want to go. But in order to see that vision become a reality, you must make it an expectation.

So I hover in my dream state, wondering if creating expectations will lead to disaster rather than reality.

In my perfect dream like poly world there is equal time between all of the interwoven relationships of our quad.

In my dream if one of our quad feels the desire to slip softly into the bed of two who are otherwise occupied.. then that person may do so without the fourth taking issue.
Or better yet, they both feel the desire to join and do so.

In my dream there is no need for one of our members to feel torn between the choice of whom to spend the evening with. We can move amongst each other with the same freedom a couple 2 can.

In my dream little green monsters do not exist.

In my dream there is no mine or yours……. just ours.

In my dream the amount of time I desire to spend with my spice is reciprocated.

In my dream I am not a fill in…. but rather and equal.

In my dream…. My spice is not overwhelmed with an average 4X per month swap ratio.

In my dream my spice has come to peace with the choice made.

In my dream quiet moments with my spice is spent in gentle conversation or sweet intimacy, not wiping tears ,smoothing hurts and combating fears from a situation with their spouse.

In my dream love is all that really matters.

And so…. Do I hold fast to these dreams? Or do I make them expectations.
Do I say to my 3 counterparts… THIS is how I expect it to be. And work towards those expectations.
Or do I continue to paddle along this chosen river… looking behind myself wondering if my spice is still barely afloat behind me…. Or has the choice been made again to step out of the water and sit on the shore for awhile.
I do wish I could move past the feeling of uncertainty. I question now.. what are we doing… is it worth it ? I can no longer imagine my life without all of my loves in it and yet the turmoil I see in my spice’s eyes and the amount of struggle I observe makes me question…. am I selfish. Should I throw up my hands in surrender. Of late the pain I see both of my spice’s struggling with as they work through this quagmire of our making… almost hurts more than I feel I have a right to put them thru.
Love is not the issue with us…. Is has not been from the beginning. Commitment is not the issue.
Then what IS the issue you may ask…. Well in all honesty…. I truly wish we knew.

Temptress

Dictionary.com defines a pattern as “a model or original used as an archetype” or otherwise as “a consistent, characteristic form, style, or method, as in a composite of traits or features characteristic of an individual or group.”  Of course, there are other entries found, but the two above more accurately demonstrate my point.  And my point is this:  We teach others how to treat us and we learn from others how to behave. 

In any important relationship, most expressly our life mates, we come together as individuals and meld into a new entity.  When done correctly two become three, three become five, four become seven… it’s not mathematically precise, but what I’m trying to say is when you form a new association, you have yourself, the other (or others) involved, and the new relationships as they relate to each other. 

Before you accuse me of talking in circles, understand I’m simply giving life to the extra bond of the individuals making new establishment.  In biblical marital terms it’s called “one flesh.”  But that same ideology can be applied to all new relationships.  It’s who you were before, and who you become together. 

Now, consider a union of two young and idealistic souls both fervently committed to overcoming the odds and “making it” for the long haul.  We didn’t have appropriate role models while growing up for what we wanted to see in our marriage, but we talked it out.  We discovered together what we wanted our marriage to look like, to feel like, and to be. 

Big likes to joke that we raised each other.  The fact in that humor is that we struggled and searched for patterns of behavior that worked for us.  We tried on many attitudes and approaches and over time came to an arrangement that worked for us.  What being involved in Polyamory has taught me so far is that those arrangements, those behaviors – what worked for us in that time – was within the parameters of a closed monogamous Christian marriage.   So here we are years later, finding ourselves nine months into our “first year” of Polyamory and knee deep in transitionary issues and challenges.  Go figure. 

Do I want any less for my marriage?  No.  Certainly under our new conditions I see more for our relationship(s).  I feel more love, I perceive more strength, and I expect greater potential than ever before.  And I sense many of our old patterns of relating are getting in the way.  Who I am as an individual has changed, what I want has changed, and what I need has changed, so why wouldn’t the dynamics of our relationship together also undergo the forging of new patterns? 

For one to expect an area of life to change in such a drastic manner (in our case, from faith based monogamy to polyamory) and not also expect everything else in your life to feel the effects of that, is, in my never to be humble opinion, ridiculously foolish.  So if we fail to understand the rise and fall of each new crisis for what it is – evolution, progress, growth – have we set ourselves up for hurt when all we needed to do was realize it’s all a process? 

This is when the commitment part becomes super important.  Without commitment, it’s easy to wonder which partner is going to give up first.  Which one will buckle under the stress refining the relationship can create?  No one will.  You see, my loves and I all have another wonderfully compatible pattern that we brought with us from our marriages… stick.  We have each proven it time and time again in dealing with our primaries.  It’s not that one relationship is easier than another.  They are all difficult in different ways and at different times.  But my mind never waivers when the heart begins to doubt.  I’ve heard them all commit to me, to each other, and that is a pattern in which I can put my trust. 

~Goddess, 6-21-06 

Why is it just when you’re feeling all full of yourself and on top of the game, something brings you quickly back to earth? That ego deflating, gravity driven incidence this morning took the form of sick children. And not just regular “mommy I don’t feel good” kind but the kind chock full of substances that make my title as “Laundry Goddess” spring into action and kick the washing machines into high gear.

We were all feeling good today, rather confidently smug after an all night exchange to spend time with our opposing mates. It always looks something like Scarlett O’Hara’s morning after smile from all of us when we’ve been able to successfully fall asleep in the arms of the spice for a night. We let our guards down – we were feeling like people and forgot for a moment we were parents. That’s when reality gets you. I heard that sound no mother can mistake, followed by, “MOM!!!”

When dealing with a sick child in a family the size of ours, neglect can overwhelm even the best of well oiled machines. In other words, never turn your back on them!  Quickly we settled in the two sickies – LM 13 and 2 – along with appropriate protective attire and called an immediate family meeting. Goddess began…

“Take note, dear children, that two among us have fallen to the dread stomach virus… Any further feelings of ill including, but not limited to, queasiness, hot flashes, sudden fatigue, or stomach cramps shall be reported to a mommy, and hereby take possession of your bucket (just in case).” Upon that, the older children lined up for germ warfare duties and the younger ones tagged along for the fun of it.

Within a few minutes, all door knobs, light switches, and faucets had been disinfected; there was a large stack of bowls and buckets on the kitchen counter; and our joksters YM 11 and 13 were passing out paint masks to act as germ shields. YM8 decided a bucket should his companion regardless of how he actually was feeling (fine, apparently, by how he was running like a wild child) but after a while said bucket ended up acting as a battalion helmet instead. And soon we had a gaggle of children dressed like they were part of the EPA and running around in mass through the house yelling, “I’m sterile!… I’m sterile!…”

One thing I know for sure, in this house, even calamity can be met with humor and grace. As long as we keep our perspective and sense of humor our life will be filled with sweet memories and laughter in the walls.

~Goddess, 6-16-06

If asked why have I chosen this path, or to “defend” my choice. Can I do so in a clear and concise manner ??

I suppose I would have to begin by clarifying who I am personally and my beliefs.
I believe in God, in an Almighty…. A holy deity . But I believe as with everything there is a male and female aspect. Just as animals have male and female… as well plants and other living beings, there is a male and female aspect in the deity.

I believe the earth was created with a reverence for all living things, and that as humans we were given the knowledge over time to be the caretakers of this earth, not masters of our domain. All living creatures are deserving of our care and respect. All of nature, as it is what sustains us as humans, is also deserving of our respect and care. The creators of life have given us the ability to love, to love without limitations or bounds.
I am not a deeply religious person, but I am spiritual. And I feel the spirit of God/dess in all I do and see each day.

With all of that said. I can first say that my choice has no religious basis or ramifications. I do not fear recrimination from “God” for my choices. Any judgment that I may receive at the end of my life, will be of my own making. Not of my deity’s.

I believe that human form is simply a living vessel to house to energy of each life, the soul. The soul is the essential part of each living being. I do believe in reincarnation. I believe the soul has lessons to be learned as it makes it’s way thru time. As each life is lived these lessons are learned and the soul grows and expands in love and knowledge. I believe the soul makes it’s choice to return to an earthly form or not. If it chooses to return, then possibly that soul feels it is in need of something. When the journey of the soul is complete then I believe it makes the choice to remain in the hereafter with Deity. I also believe in soul mates. I believe that for each of each of us there is 1 or more “mates”. I feel that the soul is like a puzzle piece with many sides. There may be a piece or a “soulmate” that fits in with a particular soul and in fact there may be more than 1 to fit to another “side” of the soul.

My choice… this path….. to simply say I believe we all have the right to “love more” is really a non-explanation. I believe deity has given us the capacity to love without limits placed upon us. As each child is born to parents, we question, “will we love this child as much as the one before?”. Of course….. you may love each child in a different way, but the love is there. The capacity to love each child born to you or gifted to you by circumstance is there. So what makes the ability to love a spouse or partner any more limited ?? Can we not have the same depth of feeling for more than 1 partner ? Is there some little switch in our brains that locks out the ability to love another once you have taken vows of marriage?? Of course not.

As time went on I realized I had a good marriage. A marriage that was tested often by circumstance and life lessons and always found to be strong and steadfast thru each lesson. It was not a matter something missing or wanting more for myself or for our marriage. It really was the pure and simple fact that over time the love of friendship that I felt for another I realized had grown beyond it’s term of “friendship”. It began to feel as if the word “friend” was lacking in some way, as if it was almost derogatory when used in reference to the relationship. I questioned myself often… “how can I feel this way, what gives me the right to feel this way” and even more so I questioned this because even though I feel we all have the right to love as we feel the need. I never really understand how a “same sex’ relationship could be “as loving” or “as right” as a heterosexual relationship.

I know now it has absolutely nothing to do with gender. It has to do with heart, with soul and with love. With how the heart responds to an individual. It has to do with the soul and how it speaks to the heart in what it needs and desires. It has to do with love and the ability to allow it to be ever growing.

For years I was a “friend”…… over time my soul spoke to my heart. At first it was delicate whispers… softly nudging me closer. Telling me this person was special….. causing the label of “Best Friend” to be given. As my “Best Friend” moved thru joys and sorrows, my heart responded to each in like kind. One day a photo was sent and my heart jumped in response. The whispers of the soul grew louder, and became full voice.
The boundaries of the mind hushed the soul and caused the heart to turn a blind eye.
Then a package was received… and smells of love and home wafted from the inner reaches of the box. And again the heart jumped in response. And again the boundaries of the mind were strong enough to turn the heart away from the calling of the soul.

Then my friend was hurt…. Was hurt in a way that the soul called out in pain and my soul heard it and for once stood up to the boundaries of the mind and told the mind that love did not require boundaries or labels or limits. It simply required the ability “to be”. And my mind thought long and hard. And explored what it really believed and what it truly felt love to be. And my mind realized that what the soul had been saying all along was right and true. Love is boundless, and it has no limits. Love is strong and true and given freedom can bring the greatest joy known.

Once I opened my mind and allowed the thoughts of “loving more” to be acceptable. I reached out for more and found once again the whisperings of the soul to be accurate.
I found a 3rd love, another facet of my heart and soul was found. And with the addition of such, the total combination of the 3, I received the feeling of fulfillment and joy that can not be described… only felt and relished with great joy.

With that said…. Can I defend this path. Can I defend this choice ?? Yes…. Emphatically yes. I have bound myself in the eyes of the law to one man. The father of my children, the love of my life. But I have also bound myself in the ways of my soul to 3 loves. To 3 people who my souls responds to, who my heart reacts with. And who my mind has come to recognize as parts of myself…. Parts essential to the happiness and well being of my total self.

Temptress

I’ve been looking forward to getting to a point where I could write this blog. The challenges the last couple of weeks were between my ears. When you fight with yourself, you don’t know if the battle can be won. When you do emerge from the other end, for better or worse, you are a changed person.

As we began this adventure, we all agreed to move at the speed of the slowest member. Somehow, I found myself in that position within the first few hours of our first weekend together and have yet to relinquish it to anyone else. I feel like the youngest kid in the neighborhood that try as he might, can never keep up with the big kids. Every time I needed them to stop and wait for me (or come back and get me), I could almost hear those older kids saying, “What? Him again!?!?” I’m not sure why I have had the farthest to travel. I seem to have experienced more challenges than all the others combined including jealousy, sharing, shedding past training, isolation issues, and fears of the unknown.

This past week or two my doubts took a different form. Different messages crossed my mind from many directions. Like conversations with other Christians, snippets of movie lines, and emails that caused me concern as to whether I would ever be able to justify this lifestyle choice with my faith. Does Polyamory fit in God’s plan for my life? Was I just in the closet trying to choose between one door that is Godly and another that is poly? Was there a way to blend my worlds?

I arrived at the point where the doubts and concerns were eating me alive. I had to take a hard look at what things would be like if I felt I had to back away from the quad. It turned out to be a bad idea to verbalize those doubts to Goddess. It sent her into a tizzy that she immediately shared with Temptress. The resulting commotion was akin to throwing firecrackers into a chicken coop. (Try it sometime. You’ll see what I mean). As I went through these questions, I pulled away from Temptress and tried to pull closer to Goddess. Goddess unfortunately responds poorly to being pulled upon and hates when I hurt Temptress by pulling away. It was a long and lonely week or two. So much for “clarity of thought” in making these decisions. Poly people, as a general rule, make terrible celibates.

As things are returning to normal, I wonder how much of this issue was brought to light because I thought I had reached my point of no return. I had crossed over and then set the bridge on fire behind me, but I knew I had a brief moment when I could still run back across it before it became smoldering embers if I hurried. I needed to plant my feet firmly in this camp and I needed to be able to defend my stance. As I research related topics, I was reminded that “when two or more are gathered in His name, they’ll find something in the Bible to disagree about.”

We’ve decided to stay in the closet with most of the people around us; they are too young or too peripheral to need to know. There are other people in our lives that will not understand, but need us to be open and transparent with them all the same. For me this meant it was time to discuss this journey with my parents.

My dad had to be first. He was going to have the hardest time with our choices. During my college years, he transitioned from agnostic to Christian to Ordained Minister. I get partial credit for inviting him to a church choir performance in which I was singing when the message he needed to hear was being preached. He is now quite convinced that I am fighting a battle with Satan himself as I carry my family down the wrong path. I knew he would hit me with information that would strengthen my resolve in one camp or the other.

I do not want to ever be at a point where I stop searching for truth. I find however, that as I have researched any concerns for this decision that I got more and more comfortable with it. When I become more convicted of bad choices is when I find I have generally made my mistakes from which I must back away. Truth is out there somewhere if you are willing to search for it.

My Mom was a bit more understanding, but quite surprised none the less. Her biggest concerns were for the kids. Even though it goes against everything she was taught, she saw some of the benefits from such an arrangement. Moms are great. I’ve always been a fan of the idea that “yes, you need to grow and change; only your mother will love you as you are.”

Goddess pointed out that I won’t have all the answers before I make my decisions. I didn’t have any clarity to speak of when I promised forever to her as a young bride years ago. I’m reminded of the scene in “What Dreams may Come” when Robin William’s character decided to stay in purgatory with his wife. After all Goddess has been through with me, as well as all she has forgiven me, I choose to follow her on this adventure. I would rather be in an environment not necessarily of my choosing and be with her (and no I am not saying poly is hell- that can be a future blog) than be in a perfect place without her. I’m even hoping that clearing these darkest fears from my mind will free me to eventually love Temptress as she loves me.

~B

As relationships go, most of the time you’re building.  Building trust, building respect, building on the ability to understand what the other person is thinking or feeling based on their words or actions or lack thereof.  But in this case, we’re about to start tearing down. 

When our loves moved in, there was plenty of space, but it wasn’t being properly utilized to house a family of 13.  Between our notions of what we needed and Fix’s ability to “weekend warrior” our spaces, we put the kids in temporary shelters and began the feat of moving children around to accommodate everyone’s needs and wishes.   

We’re still in process of completing renovations as time and materials can be afforded, but I’m thrilled that of our 9 children, only LMs 4 and 6 need share quarters.  Everyone else has their own space.  That is very nice for parents as we can more appropriately enjoy our “adult time” which runs from 9 pm until 7:30 am when each of the children can retire to their own space for quiet time in the evenings. 

The one most recent change which thrills me to the tips of my toes is the relocation of Fix and Temptress.  When they first moved in, they situated themselves downstairs in the guest suite where they would have some seclusion and a private bath.  After six months of dodging children on the stairs at wee hours, Big had a most incredible idea! 

So, within a few days we were knee deep in spackle and paint as we completed another four bedroom fruit basket turnover.  Our loves now live upstairs right beside us with only the three youngest LMs to share our level.  The four YM and two older LMs are all now downstairs in what’s lovingly referred to as the “kid’s floor.” 

And what’s the glory in this?  Well aside from closer proximity, our two bedrooms share a wall.  And in that wall lie two closets with another common wall.  You got it – a soon to be created secret passage that will link our two bedrooms in such a way to make movement from room to room much more discrete and easier for all.  I’ve been kidding Fix about busting a hole in the wall to have better access, but he insists what will happen is something more akin to “surgical removal.”  That term in itself speaks for the skill and precision he uses with every task he undertakes. 

While our family is under construction figuratively, we’re also quite literally completing construction on our family’s living space; tearing down to rebuild, so to speak.  It’s a slow change, but is working well all the same.  We’re learning to trust, rely, and lean on one another.  The kids are developing sibling bonds with the opposing kids.  And we parents are maturing past the honeymoon stage and into that mature, comfortable, and contented type of love that builds family ties and leaves a legacy of love. 

~Goddess, 6-15-06

I’ve never considered myself a writer.  I was never very good at it in school.  All those creative writing assignments sent me screaming for the safety of subjects I could sort, organize, and understand like geometry, trig, genetics, history, and my favorite – photography.  Until one day in college I found myself totally overwhelmed with emotions I could not any longer sort or organize in my head and headed for a small journal that had been gifted to me upon my graduation.  In this book I began to pour out my feelings in stream of consciousness style, and when I came to the end of my thoughts, felt a thousand times lighter on the inside. 

I quickly learned that my writings, or “journaling” as I came to understand its more appropriate name, took on a life of its own once I sat down with pen and paper and allowed the subconscious to run free.  I found the writing process to be better than paid therapy sessions because I didn’t have to suffer the embarrassment or indignation of having to tell another soul the deepest and darkest places I held inside.  And the best part was that there in black and white I could reconsider my thoughts at a latter time.  I realized a lot about myself in those beginning years, simply by rereading from time to time how I felt.  I was able to reason with hindsight how well I did balancing fact and feeling. 

Fast forward twenty years later…  I’ve continued to write occasionally through the years.  Mainly for my enjoyment or when my brain could no longer contain the quantity of thoughts bursting forth.  But a few years ago I began a letter writing campaign and then an email loop of people with whom I wanted to stay in contact.  I found that detailing my daily regime and reactions to life gave me great outlet.  These friends would tease me about my “novelettes,” which always began with a simple thought, but would parlay themselves into torrid streams of philosophy before ending.  Sometimes I wouldn’t even recognize I felt a certain way until it came from the tips of my fingers and onto the keyboard. 

And now, as we have begun this site and blog, I find myself “speaking” to an unknown audience.  We have been greeted by some of our readers, and some have even left inspiring or gracious comments for us.  But by and large, I write not knowing who might chance across our site, not knowing who will find meaning, not knowing who will relate.  This is where I learn to trust the writing process and remember that the world, however large, is smaller than I think. 

~Goddess, 6-14-06

Being the ripe old age of 39, I know how fast time can go by. I’ve spent many years wasting my time on dead end jobs and sacrificing time better spent with my family. Temptress and I have been married for fifteen plus years. I’ve been your average trade worker, traveling throughout the country bringing warmth to your life, light to your life, and I’ve probably cleaned your car a time or two. I’ve done a little bit of everything under the sun. I’ve learned how to fix just about anything and everything there is. Some people call me McGuyver, and some people call me Mr. Incredible, but I’m known at home as Fix. Through life you learn how to take apart things, put things back together. You can weld it, put a bolt in it, but some things you can’t fix. Hearts are one of them.

Hearts break. You can glue them back together, but the scars are always there. And believe me, I’ve left a few on Temptress. But we’ve always been able to work things out through love, patience and time – precious time. As Fix I wish could I could fix the problems she has with Big, but as relationships go, they need time to build and grow and it takes a part of both to work through the rough times. I understand that Big has a spiritual dilemma over the conditions in which our new lives have placed us. I know he’ll come through eventually. So for this I stand back, be quiet, and let time work out the problems. We all have our ups and downs; some more than others. But that’s the point of going with the speed of the slowest and it’s working so far. But until then, there are times when it’s hard for not only just me, but Goddess as well, to keep our mouths shut.

You see, Goddess and I are two peas in a pod. Everything between us worked out perfect and smooth. We can talk without talking, and we listen to each other and sense our needs and desires. Finding time is the toughest part when the other half of our quad is in turmoil. For Big and Temptress, they have business related events, drive times, and the like which gives them hours of alone time. For Goddess and I, due to my work schedule, we’re lucky to share an hour in the morning to ourselves. Occasionally, we have some time every week or two when an evening meeting runs late for our partners. We knew this would be the way from the beginning, so time is precious for us too. That’s why we make the most of every minute.

~Fix~

To all of our wonderful readers…….. to those that have left comments or contacted us directly via email…..

We would like too thank you for the encouraging, thoughtful, inspiring and at times, though provoking
missives.

Temptress, Goddess, Fix and Mr. Big

Time can be viewed in many ways. As children the summer months can fly by as school starts seemingly the very same week it ended. And in the same manner from one Christmas to another can seem an eternity.

As adults we know our baby’s first year zips by at the speed of light. And as we and our children age time seems to speed up with each passing year.

Time is a constant and yet can feel hurried or lingering. The last several days have been particularly trying as Big does his best to work thru his questions and tries to find a place where he can come to terms with the choice we four have made. As he ponders his issue he has made a request of me. And that request is for time. Time for him to find the answers he seeks.

I have agreed to give him that time… but I admit grudgingly, not because I don’t want to. But because really I have no other choice. If I were to stamp my foot like a toddler and demand he resolve his issue immediately, just how far do you think that would get me.
I am not childish, nor selfish. I am not unfeeling of his quandary.

But I am in love…….

Sharing this home, working by his side, seeing him everyday, knowing he can’t bring himself to be with me is really the kind of test of my love…. Of our “relationship” I never expected to partake in.

I have to tell you… sex is something I have had only a few times in my life… and found it distasteful. I do not participate in sex…… rather I choose to make love to my partner. I share of myself in the most trusting and intimate manner. What Big and I have is not built on sex, it really is a small part for me….. but I would be lying to say I did not miss him. That I did not miss our quiet and special time together. I miss laying in his arms, I miss having the opportunity to please him….. I miss…. Well, the list goes on.

In the scheme of time I hope, that the time it takes him to come to terms with his questions, is like the first year of a child’s life……. I hope to blink, and find a walking talking toddler standing before me.

And I hope as well he finds the answers he seeks…. Because for me…. Well, that’s just not a situation I’m ready to consider.

Temptress

If we truly are committed to our partners, we’ll spend more time with them than any other human relationship in our life.  Big and I just passed a milestone in that regard; we have now been together longer than we’ve been apart.  In other words, our eighteen plus year union is now older than I was when we began. 

The secret to our long and happy marriage isn’t an absence of conflict, it’s the presence of commitment and a desire to work through whatever life threw our way.  Too many times I’ve heard people say, “I just can’t stand it any longer.  It’s too hard.”  Well, guess what?  Life IS hard, get used to it.  Aside from abuse, abandonment, or flagrant, repeated, and unrepentant adultery, “irreconcilable differences” is just the easy way out.  Big and I are both products of broken homes, and we swore to each other very early in our relationship, that which was strong enough to  bring us together, should surely be strong enough to keep us together.  It was a decision to stand strong and fight outwardly (not inwardly) at those demons which would seek to destroy our oneness. 

It is implausible to think that along the way to lifelong companionship that we won’t make some mistakes, hurt some feelings, and cause some pretty deep scars with one another.  I know there have been times when my neglect or selfishness caused Big a lot of pain.  And he is fully aware of the mistakes that grieved me as well.  My question is, where along the line does pain lead to permanent changes in the dynamics of a relationship? 

There must be some point when you look at your spouse of what seems like a million years just slightly more jaded than you did that day you said, “I do.”  As strong and as deep as my love for Big, there are some wounded places inside my soul that were caused by him.  Perhaps those scars have healed in time, but their mark still remains.  I often ask myself if along the way to forever, if all of me managed the journey.   Did somewhere along the path of forgiving and forgetting my subconscious decide a wound simply hurt too much and merely shut down out of self preservation? 

So, enter Temptress and Fix – fresh and new and smelling like roses.  Sure, they’ve had their share of personal conflicts as well, but not with me.  Here is an opportunity to start anew; to begin again a little bit older, a little bit wiser, and a whole lot more educated on how to handle difficult situations.  It’s not really fair, but it is reality all the same. 

Big and I are movie buffs.  Almost any situation that comes my way, he or I can find a classic movie scene or quote that more clearly demonstrates my position in any such matter.  My case in point:  the

movie
City Slickers starring Billy Crystal.  An overwhelmed mid-lifer is taken somewhat against his will by friends to a working ranch for “vacation.”  Along the way, they find meaning and purpose in their ordinary lives.  If you haven’t seen it, you should, it’s chocked full of humorous thirty-something truths.  At one point, they speak of life offering a “do-over.”  You know, like when you’re a kid and someone knocks the ball over the fence.  You just call a “do-over” and keep playing. 

In a lot of ways, our later-in-life poly conversion has given us each a do-over.  We’ve been able to focus heartily on others with all the gusto of someone who has learned many life lessons the hard way.  I can look at Fix with the same stars today that I gazed upon Big years ago – long before hurts and tough times made me cynical.  And this time around I get to do things right; at least more often than I did originally.  It hardly seems right that my primary relationship could suffer for its years of commitment, or should be penalized for its comfortable status.  But here I stand, on the threshold of a new dimension of our life and I see this chance to make old wrongs right again, if even with someone else. 

There are moments when I sense Big wanting, nay, needing me to once again idolize him the way I did when we were first together.  But I can’t – it’s just not in there any more.  I love him deeply, with all the emotion bound up in almost twenty years of joys and sorrows; pregnancies, births, and emergency room visits; comfort, trials,  and passionate exchanges.  All the things I loved about him in the beginning still exist today.  He is a visionary.  He is sensitive, yet still assertive.  He is willing to work hard and do what it takes to provide for and protect our family.  He talks to me in a way that makes me feel like I’m intellectual and articulate.  And when he’s truly humored, he has this infectious laugh that would put a smile on the face of anyone who hears him. 

I’m afraid with all the “bad press” due him lately in our blogs, some even of his own admission, he comes across as some workaholic tight ass.  He’s not at all.  He can be tender and loving and kind.  He’s magnetic and charismatic.  He’s the man who stole my heart nearly two decades ago, and still resides in a very large part of it.  So why do I need more?  I’ve asked myself that question many times in the past few years. 

Through my catalyst of change I’ve come to discover an important concept I never considered before.  Rarely will you find love if you go searching for it.  Love is a gift, and usually, quite unexpected.  One day you just look up and find something awaiting you to discover it.  And once you untie the ribbon and open its contents, you’re never again the same person you had been before. 

Oliver Wendell Holmes is quoted as saying, “Man’s mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.”  I feel this is also true of the heart.  For a very long time, only Big could fulfill me.  The very air that I breathed must have him in it for me to survive.  But now things have changed.  I’ve been shown a world where I can have not only Big, but two other loves that make my heart and soul whole.  Fix and Temptress each in their own way have awakened in me places I’d purposely put away, places I hid, or places I denied even having.  Only when the four of us are together am I truly complete.  And the joy and peace that comes from that sort of satisfaction is incomparable. 

The only sure thing in life is change.  It can come fast or slow, in trickles or heaped upon us, but it will come.  How well we survive those changes has everything to do with what our attitude is like and how we handle ourselves in the midst of uncertain times.  The trick in any relationship, but most importantly with our loves, is to endure with patience, love, and a compassion that seeks to understand before demanding we ourselves are understood. 

In the scope of “the rest of our lives” twenty years seems like infancy, so I’m expecting with time this NRE (new relationship energy) will diminish, relationships will balance amongst the four of us, and we’ll all have this equal footing with each other.  Until that time, the fact that less water has passed under the bridge with my new loves than with my primary must be heeded.  I am more free with them, I have less “here we go again” attitude with them, and yes, I have much fewer scars.  That will undoubtedly affect how I relate.  Until that time, we all need to remember what makes us real is a lifetime of loving and being loved in a manner that gives us substance and purpose. 

~Goddess, 6-9-06

As we have stated before, we are a closeted quad. We live in an area where religion is tantamount and any oddities are not only frowned upon, but in many cases .. shunned.

With 9 children still at home and involved with band, sports, scouts and the like, we want our children to enjoy there lives as kids, not explaining why their parents are out of the norm.

Also, Big and I are in a high profile sort of career, where business contacts and their acceptance can make or break us financially. With this huge house, large number of kids and our grocery bill that rivals the mortgage each month… we can’t afford to alienate those contacts.

So again… I state….. we are closeted for the well being of family, not because we are ashamed of this lifestyle or our spouses.

Business acquaintances have come to know me as Big’s executive assistant. My usual flip comment is that “ his wife sends me a long to clean up his messes and keep him working hard”. This is usually met with laughter . Seeing me at his side is becoming a regular thing for our business and his family which live nearby and are also a part of the company.
Goddess and I have discussed how I would handle being asked by his family if he and I were having an affair. That is an easy response…. “I’m shocked you would ask, I am “Goddess’ ” best friend and I can assure you there is nothing happening that she is not aware of and in agreement to”.

Ok… so I am prepared to be questioned by family and associates. I am not however prepared to be blindsided.

Our family has been on a hunt for a Dr. closer to us. With new insurance due to be in effect soon, we found one in the ins. Directory. Perfect timing !!! Both Goddess and Mr. Big developed strep. So in they go… each seeing a Different Dr. in the same practice. He sees Dr. E. she gets Dr. L
They like the Dr.’s, so it is agreed that since they are family practice then that is who we will now use. During his office visit, in the course of usual conversation, Big has found that Dr. E. needs the services we offer. So he has set up a meeting to speak more in depth with him. Fast forward a few days…. LM(2) has developed and ear infection.

So I take her in to the Dr. to be checked. Since this is her first visit, the nurse takes the usual history, which includes the household members. She writes the words “Blended Family” on LM’s chart. Several moments later in walks Dr. E. We strike up a conversation. He asks why we chose to use their practice. I explain the reasons as I stated above and make the comment that my “house mates” had already been to see them for strep a few days prior. He makes the association and we chat about my work for awhile and then he scans LM’s chart and the nurses notations. Then he looks me in the eye and says “ A blended family eh?…. do any of the adults in the house have a relationship with other beyond marriage?”
I blinked in shock a few times… and then did what any good American Democrat would do. I pulled a “Clinton” and lied. (** * see footnote)

“ A relationship ?.. why no… we are all just very good friends.”
Dr. E smiled smugly and said “ I see” in a tone that told me he new I lied but wasn’t going to push the issue.
We concluded our visit and LM(2) and I left with a scrip in hand for her aching ears and I promptly called Goddess in a tizzy, she didn’t answer, so I drove home in knots and then promptly spilled the entire conversation to her upon my arrival. “ OMG… I just lied to the Dr., I wasn’t expecting it.. I knew Big has a business meeting with him soon… I was trying to cover…. OMG I just lied to the Dr…. straight up. Big is gonna wring my neck for outing us !!!! “
Goddess giggled at me and told me not to worry it wasn’t a huge deal… but then she says “ You need to call him and tell him. He sees the Dr. tomorrow, he’ll do damage control”

I felt like I was walking to the guillotine as I dialed Big’s cell number. He actually sounded rather un-phased when I retold my story. And said he would talk with Dr. E at his appt. the next day and would explain that I was blind sided and that I lied to protect him ( Big) our biz and the children. And in fact that is pretty much what happened the following day. I am told the Dr. was relatively unruffled about Big’s admission and dropped the subject quickly to move into other conversation.

So this happened a few weeks ago…. Why now am I bringing up ??
Well… LM(2) has a recheck coming up in a few days and I get to face Dr. E again and make my apologies for my of lack of truthfulness. I do not handle eating crow well…. So this should be interesting. I guess as time goes on I will need to create a better repertoire of no truth/no lie responses or become a better liar….. the latter of which sits badly with me.

Temptress