There was a time in my life when my eyes popped open in the early morning and my first thought was my friends. My feet hit the floor and as I passed my desk on the way to my morning shower I would hit the power button on my computer.

My computer had become my world…. Or at least my window to it.
Long , cold MI winters, a busy life as a mom and a shy personality had whittled my world down to a 17” screen. During my pregnancy with my now 6 yr old, I met 8 ladies all due with babies the same time as me, this is where I met Goddess. The friendships we all formed were good and solid. We shared everything, there wasn’t much happening in anyone’s life we didn’t know about, no topic was off limits, our lives were at one time, open books.

Fast forward now to present day, as I sit here tonight the glaring realization that the circle of friends we once had is now gone. “The loop” as is was known is no longer.
I can not blame is solely on this poly choice…. But it sure was the nail in the coffin so to speak.

It causes me to wonder, if we had continued to keep our “secret” if we had continued to let them suspect without confirming. Would the cost have been less ?? For 7 years these woman were a huge and I can not stress that enough…. HUGE part of my life. And now they are gone.

One refuses to converse with us in any manner, the loss of her friendship hurts deeply on it’s own. 3 still send emails on rare occasion where we were included in the missive, they have no desire to know about our lives together. 3 more have said they accept us and our life…. But we never hear from them unless we contact them first. Of the 7 ladies Goddess and I considered our friends, 1 in particular we were close to and she herself has chosen a poly lifestyle. But again…unless contact is made first, that friendship sits gasping for attention as well.

And so as I sit and contemplate what was lost, I am smiling gently because I sit here with my loves, and I know what was gained. And for all the people who may not understand, and whose friendships we may lose, I can say in all honesty that the love of this quad is worth that price.

Temptress

It’s been nearly two months since jealousy issues have reared their ugly head for me. They came so often and relentlessly in the past that I’ll fear getting caught in that trap again for years to come. For some reason I now feel very calm and at peace with my new Poly world. Part of it was coming out to Mom and Dad. Maybe because I burnt the ships, maybe because I’m living a life that’s secret from fewer and fewer people that mean the most to me, or maybe because I had to step up and defend this world before my father. No one is more sold in any presentation than the presenter. Selling steels my resolve in what I’m offering.

I feel more balanced and focused on health and business goals than I have in nearly a year. I can only do that when the more important things in my life like relationships are functioning well – almost on autopilot. I’m starting to see a future that I prefer to monogamy. I could commit to forever as a quad before because Goddess wished it. I can do it now because I want it. My biggest fear has been what if something happened to Temptress? I had no interest in being in a MFM Vee. At this point, I would want to renegotiate the –fi rules, but I couldn’t ask Goddess or Fix to give up their lover.

Someone joked that Poly without sex is called friends. I had always attempted to keep any females other than my wife at arms length to protect my marriage. I changed churches once because I became emotionally attached to a woman in my bible study. I suddenly feel that that’s not necessary. I can have friend-girls. I’m not fearful of how close others become in my life anymore. I don’t know if I could juggle more than two lovers at a time, and won’t be finding out since the others in my quad want poly-fidelity. There’s something freeing about not having to limit how friendly you get with the people around you.

Fix told the women that I’m not the slowest of the four anymore – that he is. I didn’t know if I’d ever catch up. Leaps of faith are not always spiritual. Goddess mentioned this morning how easy it is to take for granted all of the relationship tools we have been taught through the years from parents, church and marriage retreats, business seminars, books and CDs. We have invested so much into ourselves due to the circumstances around us. Temptress is starting to be force fed all of this PMA type thinking while going to business conferences and church with me. Combine this with living with me and Goddess 24-7 and you can imagine that Temptress and Fix are learning new ways to communicate. Some learning is painful. A pilot will tell you that most turbulence occurs when you’re going up. Maybe the more painful “lessons” make Fix feel like he is now the slowest and make me feel calm because I’m not. After a loud marital discussion between Fix and Temptress the other day, I went in and gave her a hug to comfort her. Some how, I resisted doing the snoopy dance while singing the “it isn’t me this time!” song.

~B

I remember watching her drive out of the driveway in the passenger’s seat several months ago.  I was standing on the very same spot in our garage and waving affably.  Only this time there is a different man at the wheel.  This time, she’s leaving with Fix.  I show her my smile, requesting reciprocal facial expression in return.  I am happy and sad at the same time. 

They need this time.  They rarely get both quality and quantity in the same occasion.  This is not a fancy vacation, merely a chance to spend some uninterrupted time together on a mandatory turn around trip for Fix’s job.  They’ve seldom in their past had the opportunity to escape together, so when this spontaneous moment presented itself, Big and I encouraged her to go.  One of the great advantages of having a quad is when two are gone, a “full set” of parents still remains home for the kids. 

We’ve all been so busy in the last eight months making sure the cross couples get enough bonding time, we’ve been somewhat neglectful of the primary partners and how important it is to continue nurturing those relationships as well.  Not neglectful in “the world as we know it might come to an end” sort of way, but in the way that as it stands now, we are softly divided into the “old” couples and the “new” couples. 

No one questions the value of the new.  New is shiny and pristine and unsullied and refreshing.  It’s the fun of play and discovery.  Think about how you feel when you have new shoes on your feet, or new tires on your car.  There is a certain crispness in the air when you have a new purse, or a new briefcase, or a backpack full of new school supplies.  You step a little lighter, you smile a little brighter, and your heart beats just a little bit faster. 

Now contrast those things that are “old.”  Unless you speak of priceless antiques, most people equate old with tired or worn out.  It’s a visual image of dusty, dirty, and dingy.  When I think of old clothes, old toys, or old furniture it conjures this attitude of indifference.  There is no need for special care with items that have outlived their usefulness, so we deal with them casually and sometimes carelessly. 

When human relationships are the “item” in question, we can never afford the luxury of allowing ourselves to slip unknowingly from ardent attention to apathetic consideration simply because time has passed and complacency has set in.  We must be as constantly vigilant validating the loves of our youth as we are to indulge our new loves.  One of the most glorious side benefits of NRE is how much extra energy it loans our primary relationship.  If I’m smart, I’ll use the abundance I feel with one love to spill into all my other relationships. 

So, with all that rhetoric aside, back to the dual emotions… both happy and sad.  Ah yes, I remember where I was going with that.  I’m thrilled to my toes that Temptress and Fix are taking some time away.  They need it.  Hell, we all need those special stolen moments to reconnect.  I sincerely hope that they have a wonderful time.  I hope they grab a moment to stand beside the harbor and watch the boats.  I hope they enjoy a quiet dinner for two.  I hope they get to walk hand in hand in the moonlight.  I hope they make the sweetest of love.  I hope they come back wearing the smiles that only lovers share. 

At the same time, I miss them.  I miss her.  I miss him.  I miss the scarce time the four of us have to spend just hanging out.  I found myself outside their room.  I cracked open the door and stared at the empty space.  I drew in a long breath.  I smelled their scent.  I wiped a tear.  I smiled weakly.  I found Big and gave him a longing embrace.  They’ll be home tomorrow. 

~Goddess, 7-29-06

When I was younger (think childhood) I believed rules were there to limit me, to bind me, to ruin all my fun.  I never understood where rules came from or why they were in place.  The answer to my question, “why do I have to?” almost always became, “because I said so and that’s just the way it is, now do it.” 

As I aged, I slowly came to the conclusion (through a series of unfortunate events) that most all rules, whether they are parental mandates, legal law, or the word of God are set down for our protection.  At some point along the way, somebody somewhere did something that made the powers that be say, “Hmm, perhaps we should put some limits on that activity.” 

Of course I saw that more clearly when I became a parent.  Things I never considered important suddenly needed addressing.  It’s amazing the crazy things that come out of a parent’s mouth when dealing with children, especially my boys.

• “Don’t jump on the broken glass even if you do think the noise is neat.”
• “Go get your brother out of the freezer.”
• “No, you may NOT jump off the back deck onto the trampoline.”
• “Get back in the shower and use soap this time.”

Perhaps law makers feel equally ridiculous when forced into making nonsensical legislation because the few idiots that test the boundaries of common sense like to make a mockery of those of us with the innate ability to know right from wrong and act upon those limits. 

A few years ago, Big and I found ourselves in a difficult position because we had not stayed within the confines of something we knew could be detrimental to our relationship.  For some reason the brain and the heart didn’t communicate properly and as a result, our marriage was very shaky for about a year.  That is when the undeniable truth of the reason for rules hit me square between the eyes. 

Rules are created with protection in mind.  They may not all be well written, they may not all accomplish the goal of intention, but most of them do have sincere motivation.  Of course, there will always be the persons who think they are above the rules, or that the rules are unnecessary, or that they will be the ones who can escape the possible ramifications of going against the grain.  Just like my kids tell me, “Mom, I’m not going to have an accident!” just before they ram headlong into the mailbox.  No one expects to get caught in the gap between common sense and personal rights, but it happens – it happens FAR too often. 

Now, let’s apply this argument to poly relationships.  I’ve read many posts where people don’t want to be shackled with a lot of rules.  We as practicing polyamorists do realize that we have superceded societal morays.  Perhaps it’s just the word (rules, law, requirements, take your pick) that people already bucking the system take issue.  Our quad is that way too at times.  We began our relationship with a few basic agreements:  total honesty and to move at the speed of the slowest.  Guess what?  There have been times already when we missed those goals by a long shot.  We’ve recovered, but each time we mess up, it creates a ding in the shiny smiley bonds we had in the beginning. 

What we’ve have experienced with the “let’s move along without too many rules and requirements” train of thought is someone behaves a bit more uninhibited than another thinks should be.  Some one gets hurt in the process, and the offending party gets defensive.  When someone is defensive, the tendency has been to attempt to redirect, to fight back, or to flee.  Why can’t we just realize that we’ve made a mistake, overstepped some boundaries, and apologize wholeheartedly?  What about refusing to admit guilt or accept responsibility makes people feel better?  As for me, I can’t live with the feeling my poor choices have hurt someone I love.  I think I’d rather know ahead of time what is and is not expected from me. 

Rules and boundaries can be a freeing experience.  Not all rules have to feel binding.  Case in point:  I read once about a playground in an inner city area.  This playground was without fencing and surrounded on three sides by heavy traffic.  The children who used this playground stayed so close to the building and the play set they barely used a portion of the allocated area.  Some families got together and helped install a high chain link fence around the perimeter of the yard.  From that time on, the children felt safe playing all the way up to the fence.  There was freedom within the boundaries. 

Now there is a point worth repeating:  Freedom comes from the peace of knowing exactly where the boundaries lie.  You can play all the way up to the edge without worry, or remorse, or guilt.  And after all, what joy comes from those constraining emotions?  If the goal is to learn to live life to the fullest, the first thing we have to cast aside is those sentiments that are truly to blame for our inner conflicts.  Perhaps a little embracing of some stabilizing policy is in order. 

~Goddess, 7-26-06 

We all know how quickly children grow, in the blink of an eye an infant is a toddler, then kindergarten and before you know it your seeing them off to college.

The last 12 months have brought many changes where the children are concerned. Last August we saw our LM18 off to higher learning. We had two kiddos, a boy and a girl, offically reach teenager hood. A few new middle schoolers have bloomed, and our Kindergartners are soon to take that full step into “school” and begin 1st grade. And the “baby” is a full blown, walking, talking,toddler.

Now as the summer draws to a close our 18 yr old daughter has informed us that she plans to marry. I’m a bit taken aback, but I realize despite her young age and our reservations about the situation, it ultimately comes down to her choices for her life. And so I prepare to become a mother of a married daughter.

Just before we left for our business conference in Las Vegas the end of June, we saw the four elders off to summer camp. Upon our return, Goddess and I drove up to retrieve our kiddos, minus LM11 ( soon to be 12). Fix and I used to live in the state where we sent the kiddos, and LM11 requested a summer visit to her best friend who still lived in the area.

A week after our return home, 2 weeks before LM’s scheduled return home, we received a phone call from a very homesick and disenchanted little girl. Realizing that 4 years apart had changed the best friends into 2 girls who really had nothing in common but a history was a hard pill for our angel girl to swallow.

It took another week, to get her home on reasonably priced non-stop flight, with the aid of both my father and brother who lived in the area and played host to her , brightening her spirits until we could get her home.

I went this morning to pick her up at the airport and rounding the corner at the gate I spied the little girl that has been away the better part of the summer, and was taken aback to see a young lady in place of the child who left home in June.

The passage of time has always been a thief in my eyes. Our 2 oldest daughters are moving into new phases of their lives and as a mother I stand at the side and recall their younger days when diapers and pre-school were all I had to worry about.

Over the last 24 hours the four of us have sat down with LM13, YM13 and LM11 each separately, and very clearly explained the true nature of our family status. We are taking another step from the closet. And in honesty the weight that has been lifted from my shoulders personally in bringing this out to our older kids is measurable.

Each child took it very well, and basically shrugged us off with a “ what’s the big deal, as long as every body stays married to who they started with we’re ok, do what makes you happy” attitude.

I think the four of us were very silly to think we could keep our “quad” status from them until adulthood. And now that they know , I can see a measurable relaxing in their demeanor and their responses to us in just a few short hours. As much as we wanted to keep this “quiet”, I know we have done the right thing. And in turn as each child ages, if we see questions begin to emerge then they will be clued in as well.

By operating in the frame of “we aren’t doing anything wrong and there is no need to be deceptive” I think the youngers will grow to a point of this being natural and not finding the need to “question”.

With each passing day, changes come to each of us, and watching as our children move thru life and grow and adapt to the world around them, we marvel at these young people we have created and we pray that our actions never bring them harm… only happiness.

The last 24 hours has seen a remarkable change in our household. After a bit of discussion about proper timing, our quad agreed it was time to offer a bit more information to the older two children, both nearing 14. At first we thought about having the bio parents deal with each child, and then we thought better and chose to have our talks woman to woman and man to man, respectively.

Temptress and I took daughter13 to lunch yesterday. Big and Fix took son13 out for ice cream last night. Today, Temptress and daughter13 took daughter11 to lunch (I was in class). Son11 is still agreeably “in his own little world” and just isn’t ready for the truths we shared. He along with the younger children will continue to be on a need to know basis.

We supposed that if we proceeded with the “we’re not doing anything wrong and there is no need for sneaking or hiding” train of thought, that the kids would be more acceptable to the full knowledge of the blending. I have to say the result has been remarkably calming on all fronts. The kids seem more relaxed and the Mommies are totally happy with how well our conversations concluded.

The talks went something like this, “You may have suspected something more than our families living together. I love Uncle, Aunt loves Daddy, etc… Let us reassure you the marriages are strong and healthy. This is a long term commitment, so the benefit to you is having four parents at home, to love you, to be available to you.” We figured with the typical egoscentristic nature of teens, focusing on what they gain from our choices was a good approach.

I have been so worried that their young minds would draw inaccurate or dangerous conclusions about what might appear to be hidden behaviors. But the responses we got were much more along the lines of relief. They seemed pacified to hear the original marriages were still intact and that (even though we had told them before) all the adults were in the know and nothing covert was going on. Funny how it seemed the piece that made the most impact on the kids were hearing the cross coupled person admit their love for the parent. (was that confusing??)

What we heard each of them say (each in their own way) was something like, “yes, we think it’s weird, but whatever… also, having four parents IS kinda cool.” I stumbled through the first part of my talk, trying delicately to balance the fine line between clear message and too many details. Of course, humorous LM13 was quick to confess she took great pleasure in my discomfort.

At one point I said to her, “Your Dad and I have chosen to pursue an alternate lifestyle.” At which point she said coyly… “I don’t think I needed to know that.” There was some discussion about which friends and family members were in the know; then there was some chat about why privacy and discretion are required. I was really pleased wit how well it played out.

So, here I am, feeling like a million “I told you so” comments have flooded my brain. I have been asking myself since yesterday, “so why didn’t we do this sooner?” But in a way, I’m still glad we allowed the kids to see us functioning well as a quad prior to any revealing information being shared this openly. The three kids still insisted they had no questions or concerns, but I hope our willingness to be open will set precedence for later when they will want to ask something of us.

~Goddess, 7-25-06

I’m addicted to books.  I love to read.  I read all the time.  I don’t read as much these days as I’d like, so at the moment I have many more books than shelf space. 
Reading relaxes me, transports me, and transforms me. Up until recently I read mostly in hard print, but now that I’m being pulled slowly and painstakingly into the age of technology and information, I absolutely love the availability of resources that graciously lay themselves at my feet, er, eyeballs.  So I can say I have spent an inordinate amount of time with my butt in a chair and my fingers on a keyboard with brain set on “quest for knowledge” lately. 

There is a great quote by Dudley Field Malone (an attorney known for his dynamic orations and made famous by the Scopes Trial of 1925) that states, “I have never in my life learned anything from any man who agreed with me.”  I embrace that mentality wholeheartedly, so I’m always looking for the word that makes me rethink what I thought I knew.  I like to challenge myself, to ask the hard questions, and to wonder if I really agree with something or if I’ve just heard it so many times I subconsciously regurgitate some rhetoric as fact.  If I can grow and change in the face of dispute, then good for me and my evolution.   If I remain the same, I’m more steadfastly certain of my beliefs.  In either case, that process beings peace. 

Temptress and I have been having discussions of late about how our poly journey and the conditions that led to it spiraled us into a period of analyzing and soul searching.  It was in that time when I began questioning not just the situationally relevant issues, but systematically EVERY area of acquired philosophy in my head.  It was religion, societal norms, priorities, values, and all manner of relationship issues that revolved their way through my inner filters. 

I won’t say I have come to many definitive answers.  I won’t begin to consider myself in any way a spokesperson for any vein of thought.  But I can tell you that when you look inside yourself and allow “question everything” – be forewarned.  The chance that you will emerge the same on the other side of that discovery is slim.  I can say in all honestly that 95% of everything I held true has been tipped on its side for further inquiry. 

One of my favorite quotes is this… “If we value the pursuit of knowledge, we must be free to follow wherever that search may lead us.” (Adlai E. Stevenson Jr.)  For over a year I studied and researched, queried and questioned, pondered and probed.  I stepped out of the fog more firm and more resolute and (from comments I’d recieved) less flexible and less willing to deal with ignorance and stupidity. 

My idea of family, despite how I was raised and what I at one time saw as “normal,” was dramatically changed during my reinventing era.  I didn’t discover until after I had made this shift in thinking that it’s an issue addressed many times over and by many writers and philosophers including poly’s favorite Heinlein. 

I found a very articulate statement on the PolyOrlando site in the FAQ section (http://www.polyorlando.org) that in many ways sums up exactly what I have come to embrace. 

“Polys tend to see the modern American nuclear family as a recent aberration in the course of human history and believe that larger, more complex extended families or tribes have been the natural human family structure. Polys frequently believe that children are better off when they have a broad range of adult role models to relate to, instead of a single, monogamously married couple. Polys do tend to object to our culture’s idealization of monogamy and suppression of alternative lifestyles.” 

In many ways I am still very much “in process.”  I am still searching for my truths.  I know that life is about the journey and not the destination, so each day I awake yearning to experience life to its fullest, wanting to give my all to those I love, and hoping another piece of the puzzle makes it’s way into the big picture. 

~Goddess, 7-19-06

I’ve never been a morning person, this is well known in my home.
Fix has always worked a job that meant he rose before the sun and left for his day.
His sporadic job and long hours meant he got a good breakfast ( home or picked up along the way) and a packed lunch for the day.

Our usual routine was the alarm sounding at 4:30 a.m., me pounding snooze 4 or 5 times, each time begging him to get moving for the day. Finally he would rise to shower and I would slip into the kitchen to make his lunch. He would come out of the shower about the time I reentered the room…. We would talk, make plans for the day and occasionally engage in some private time. Then as he dressed and shaved I made his breakfast and shortly there after saw him out the door with a kiss and a smile.

I generally slipped back into bed until the children rose at 7. Then the regular mommy morning routine began.

Fast forward to January of this year…..

Our quad is together under one roof. Goddess and her internal alarm clock has her springing from the bed at the butt crack of dawn. Her cheerful morning smile is truly a sight to be greeted by most mornings. It became evident early on she enjoyed the morning chore of seeing Fix fed, packed for lunch and out the door. It also became evident that this was a natural opportunity for them to get a few minutes of alone to talk and enjoy each others company. So while I missed our quiet morning routine, I did not miss the early morning rising and cheerfully stepped away from seeing Fix out the door rather I snooze peacefully until it is time for him to leave and then he comes in to kiss me softly before he leaves for the day and this has become our new routine.

Fast forward to present day ……….

The NRE has a nasty side effect and that is that anything we eat goes straight to our butts these days. We have all gained a few pounds these last few months and Fix and Goddess have decided to walk in the early pre-dawn moments while Big and I snooze.
Big is away with the YM 13 and 11 at Boy Scout Camp for 3 days. Goddess of course has been snuggled nicely in our bed with us each night where we can enjoy each others company and fall asleep together.
Fix has made an error that hurt me deeply this morning and I wonder at the reason why it bothered me so much ?
Before he and Goddess slipped from our room this morning at 5:45 he crawled into the bed snuggled behind me and whispered into my ear “ How about after I get back from our walk I come back in here and we can have some time together “?
I smiled softly and replied that I would like that very much.
I fell back to sleep until 7 when I hear LM2 singing in her crib in the nursery. I looked at the time, and wondered what was taking them so long to return.
At 7:30 LM2 had decided that was enough crib time and demanded my attention. I rose, got her up and changed, dressed myself and then sauntered into the living room expecting to see Fix at the table having breakfast…. Or at the very least to see his lunchbox gone from it’s place that would indicate he had left for work, possible receiving an early call from his dispatcher. What I was met with instead was the sound of running water from Goddess’s room. I began to fume, expecting that he stood me up for a shower with Goddess.
I opened the door and there they stood, dressed for the day. The running shower was for LM4 who needed a morning shower after to much water to drink the night before.
Fix’s hair was still damp which told me my timing was off, but my assumption was correct…. I had been stood up for a shower with Goddess.

I let my hurt feelings get the best of me…. My first words to him instead of “Good morning” were….. “ I thought you were planning to come back and join me” ?
To which he replied he thought I was asleep and didn’t want to disturb me.
I could feel tears welling and I made my exit in short order not wanting an argument to ensue or to have my raw emotions set out for display.

A few minutes later Goddess came out…. She immediately came to my side and apologized. Not knowing Fix’s whispered offer to me, she asked Fix to join her for a shower after their walk, and rather than alerting her to his plans with me, he agreed to join her. I knew immediately that I felt no anger, no hurt, and no jealousy towards Goddess whatsoever.
She was simply caught in the middle and I assured her that she was in no way the cause of my hurt.

Eventually before leaving for work, Fix came to he apologized and said he honestly did not want to disturb me, he thought I was sleeping soundly and he made an error in judgment, that he should have told Goddess of his previous plans when she asked him to join her.

I appreciated his heartfelt apology and accepted it graciously. However….. I still felt hurt, I felt “passed over”.
While I feel it honestly was not his intention to inflict those feelings, it does not change them. I have asked myself the question… if he came to me and said, “Goddess has asked me to shower with her, can I take a rain check on our snuggle”?… how would I have felt.

I wanted to answer this question honestly so I have thought on it all day long. And my conclusion ……….
I truly feel that had he come to me and made that request I would not have minded in the least. Would I have felt passed over ? No… I love Goddess too much to begrudge her one single moment of time with Fix, most especially knowing how little they get in one on one time.

So now what ? Well the day has passed and he has returned from work. He came to me upon returning to again apologize I told him I was hurt by his choice and that if a similar situation were to arise again, to please just alert me to a desired change in plans….. don’t leave me waiting for his return.

I am proud of myself for handling this calmly and without flying completely off the handle. Initially I could have handled it better….. and I’ll work on that.

Funny how after almost 16 years we are still finding new ways to behave with each other. I like the changes and the growth that we are experiencing. But most especially I like how I am learning that in loving more…. I am not being loved any less.

~ Temptress

Ever notice how everything in life tends to cycle?  L
ife and death, ups and downs, good times and bad?  If you don’t like where you are in life, just hold on, things will get better, or worse, and eventually come around again.  It seems to me that no matter which way things are heading, you can feel it coming.  There is that ominous feeling when stuff is about to hit the fan, then there is that electric feeling when you just KNOW the times are turning for you and it will be all a down hill coast for a while. 

“Let the good times roll.  If the illusion is real, let them give you a ride.  If they got thunder appeal, let them be on your side.  Let them leave you up in the air; let them brush your rock and roll hair.  Let the good times roll…”  Being a child of the 70s/80s how can you not hear the voice of The Cars sing? 

Funny thing is, I can’t put my finger on what changes.  I don’t know what sets off that string of fiery intercourses and I am just as clueless when the planets finally align and all things in my world are spectacularly right for a while.  I would really love to quantify that phenomenon so I could try and harness the energies that pull the awe into daily life.  I have more energy, I become a better parent, I’m certainly a better wife and lover, and everything around me is much more manageable.  That’s when you look up and realize for all its challenges, you really love life. 

I have learned as I grow older that I have to grab opportunities when they arise.  When I have the stamina to complete a task, I go ahead and finish it while I can.  And when things are good with our quad, I let go of all the menial tasks and spend as much time as I can with my loves.  Dishes will still be here on bad days, so while we’re all happy and laughing, the vacuum can sit and the laundry can wait.  There is this certain magic between us when all is well.  It’s magnetic.  I can’t tolerate being away from them.  I not certain how long this wave will last, but I’m going to ride it all the way in.  Let the good times roll! 

~Goddess, 7-11-06

Have you ever stood on the shore as he tide ebbed and flowed ? The sand shifts ever so slightly and if your not paying attention you’ll lose your balance.

Recently I found myself struggling to hold my balance, I was caught unawares in the least expected moment.

Something has shifted… I’m not exactly sure what. I have spoken to Goddess and to Fix and I finally mentioned it to Big today and he asked me to pinpoint what “it” was. And I couldn’t.

There has been the ever so tiny of changes in him. I can’t really even say in what way. But I feel it in his touch, I see it in his eyes. The way he looks at me now, the way he kisses me, the way he touches me, and yes even our private time is affected, that is when I felt “it” even more profoundly, and decided to speak up to him.

As we danced the night away in Vegas, there came a point when he looked at me and he smiled and in that moment I saw “it”. I just wish I knew what “it” was.

Has he maybe, finally, found a place where he is comfortable with this choice we four have made. Has he reached some sort of conclusion in his mind that makes this “ok” ?

I was hoping in mentioning it to him today he could tell me and clear up the mystery, but he says he is as lost as I am in answering that. And so until I can finally put my finger on “it” or he can figure out what it is I see and feel, the mystery continues and I’ll stand with my arms out holding my balance waiting to see what the next wave brings.

An interesting proposition was offered to me this evening. In the hopes of trying to equalize “time” with the SE’s ( significant extra’s), namely more time for Fix and Goddess, Mr. Big has brought the suggestion of “scheduling” to the table.

The suggestion was instantly abhorrent to me. I can’t clearly and definitively explain why, but it made me bristle all the same.

I guess my thoughts on primary and secondary differ from most folks.. maybe even to members of my own quad. I do not see primary as placing one “spouse” over the other per say. But I do view it to mean that the primary relationship is the one with which you have the most vested interest. I will always look out for Fix and his hurts and needs and desires will always be the ones I strive to salve or fulfill. Big will get the same tender care from me, but if the choice need be made, it will be Fix I attend to first.

I consider Big the husband of my heart. I feel the need to be with each of them equally. I want just as much to crawl in bed next to Fix and wake up in his arms as I do Big. I enjoy a quiet walk with Big just as much as back porch snuggle with Fix. As far as my feelings of love and my need to be with them, they both stand side by side in my heart.

So then… ask me to schedule my time with one. Ask me to tell you on Saturday who I want to spend the evening with in intimate contact on Thursday. And what if I tell you my choice for Thursday’s menu is Big… and then Thursday comes along and I realize Fix is the one who I desire the opportunity to be with. Do I then look at the other 3 and say … “ ummmm… I’ve changed my mind, so sorry”. Or what if Thursday comes along and I don’t feel like doing anything other than sleeping ? How will my menu choice take that change in plans ??

I realize in offering this “solution”, Big is trying to take a step forward…. He is trying to find a way to help even out the inequalities. And because of this…. because I see what a step this is for him I will try very hard to give it a fair shot.

But in my heart…. I hear the same questions being asked that have been there for months, “ why do we need to make this so complicated”,“ why can’t we just be together as we feel the need” ?
Is it really to much to ask to be sitting together in the evening watching a program and taking the person of your choice by the hand and slipping off quietly to bed without someone’s feeling being hurt, someone feeling excluded or feeling terribly guilty for acting naturally.

I suppose twelve hours in a car with three middle schoolers is not everyone’s favorite example of a nice vacation, but in this situation, it was an unexpected blast.  On our drive home we heard story after story of the kid’s ten days at camp and everything they learned while they were there.  If laughter is truly the best medicine, those happy voices were like a drink from the fountain of youth. 

Temptress and I had about 36 hours at home after our adult vacation/business trip before it was time for us to head out with the family taxi on a four day mission to retrieve the four Olders from camp.  Basically, we left out one afternoon, drove half way, and arrived on day two states away in the township Temptress and Fix had lived years ago.  “

Small
Town” (as I will call it) became our home base for a few days while we collected and redistributed children, took a little trip down memory lane, then visited with some family and friends. 

Since we currently reside in an area that has been home to both Big and myself for most of our childhood, I sometimes take for granted that ability to take a drive by my childhood home if I ever get homesick.  I get the nice perk of accidentally bumping into someone I haven’t seen in twenty years in the grocery.  One of the first things our half of the quad did once our loves appeared in our city was take the obligatory historic driving tour of our high schools, family homes, and special places.  Even though those places don’t hold specific meanings to the other half, the process of showing and pointing give us spring boards for conversation and story telling. 

While I was passengered about

Small
Town, I began to piece together the visual images with all the stories I’d heard for years.  “Here is the place where…” and “Remember when I told you about…”  Those reminiscent moments gave me goose bumps, made me feel even more connected to Fix and Temptress, and made me wonder if our home together would come to hold the same warm memories for them in time.  I asked myself in this world we live in with constant change, “What makes someone feel like they are home?”  Of course, the obvious answer is family and loving bonds, but sometimes those “good old days” are difficult to measure up to, even when NRE is involved. 

With my visions of domestic supremacy, I’ve been in search of those distinctive touches that transform each place we’ve lived into a cozy domicile.  In time we learn the area, make friends, and settle into a comfortable routine.  Now I’m the one with the history, trying to make things comfortable and pleasant for my new loves.  Perhaps it’s my insecurities coming out, but I question if our home together will ever hold the same fond memories as

Small
Town.  I know they are here by choice, when they could live anywhere they want, but it’s the pesky gnawing inside my gut that pushes me to make things extra special for them when I can. 

Even though we’re nearing seven months of cohabitation, sometimes I still feel they are guests in “my” home.  I wonder if this will ever feel like “our” home.  Fix is kind to continually verbalize that this is his home too, but my gratitude at their ability to take such ownership of our residence is heart warming.  We have talked extensively about perhaps buying some land and building a perfect poly house, but for now we’re happy with the school district, the location, and the amount of flexible space we have at this address. 

There are so many possibilities for us and our family.  Our quad has discussed not only changing homes, but cities, or perhaps even countries for a time.  Our livelihood could take such interesting directions.  So many opportunities could arise.  Our needs or wants will certainly change.  The future is yet to be determined, but as long as we’re together I’ll feel at home. 

~Goddess, 7-10-06 

Sometimes I wonder where the line of privacy is…. What is to much to share in this blog.
I would love to tell our readers that our recent trip was wonderful, truly magically and we all enjoyed it immensely.

In honesty I can say all those things. But I have to add that it was scary, emotional, hurtful and cathartic all the same.
Fix and I have had a lot if problems to work out between ourselves that were not caused by the blending of our families…. But rather were brought to light by it.
Also… fighting is never something we have done. It is a rare occurrence for us, so because of this we do it poorly.
In fact it becomes war… this kind may be bloodless, but just as painful all the same. One of us will say something, the other will take it poorly and hurl a retort and then the gloves come off. Fix has said to me on several occasions “ I don’t feel you really hear me unless your hurting and raw” Now I know this makes him sound terrible, but in all manners of truth he is kind and gentle and loving to me…. Except when we fight and I am not so nice in that manner either.

Over the last 15 years he has had demons from his past to fight. Demons that he felt unable to share with me because of fear that I would think less of him. Or because certain demons he felt would cause me pain to know of.

It became quickly apparent that Goddess and Fix were magically in tune with each other… she in her non-judgmental, neutral manner was able to draw him out and over these last months as he has healed and learned to deal with his depression and post traumatic stress, she has become his sounding board.

This is where trouble begins.

I feel like a petulant child who stamps her feet and demands to be heard.
I have slung these sentences at him in recent days….

“We have been married for 15 years and you have hidden from me, you don’t talk to me.”
“I am your wife…. Why can’t you share with me.”
“Why can you talk to her ( Goddess) and not me”

Given my love for Goddess, feeling any sort of jealous emotion in her direction is repugnant to me. The only emotion I ever want to direct to her is love. But sometimes….

Well, you get the picture.

Fix and I spent a 24 hour period of our eagerly anticipated vacation hurling painfull barbs at each other. Tearing each other down and generally wounding each other deeply.
We do not fight well because we have never learned how.. we never thought you fought in a specific way. With the gentle guidance of both Big and Goddess we walked thru the fire and have come out the other side. I won’t say we are unscathed, but we are wiser. I think we both have a better understanding of what is needed by the other. I have made a personal commitment to try to temper my tongue and hold my sarcasm in check. To understand that even though he may not be able to share with me at that moment… at least he has someone we love and trust that he can turn to.

Overall I am committed to learning a new way to deal with conflict because it really is too painful to fight in this manner. And not just for ourselves…. But for Big and Goddess to witness it.
Big is a superb negotiator, he can explain my emotions to me and help me see things I may overlooked or was to mad to really want to see.
Goddess does this job just as well….. but this is where things have turned sticky for me.

Over the last 7 years Goddess has been my best friend, my sounding board. The one I could tell me deepest feelings to. I could vent about my husband, kids, whatever I needed to. And I could always count on her to be level headed and to offer advice in the form of choices…. She would never tell me what to do, or what she would do.. but rather pose questions in a manner that would cause me to see the options on my own.

I came to a stunning and very painful realization this last week I feel like something has been lost.

After an emotional day between Fix and myself, I left the hotel room without telling anyone I was leaving. Big of course takes offense to my occasional need for a fast getaway to clear my head. He located me via cell phone rather quickly and he and Goddess soon joined me and we stopped for a light dinner. As I sat there and sobbed in Big’s arms , he and Goddess conversed about “the situation” over my head.
With his words and calm wisdom I was able to things as I needed to. Goddess on the other hand, in her need to stay neutral went back to the room.
After Big and I returned to our hotel rooms, I was prepared to make peace with Fix… instead in my desire to be non confrontational , and Fixes need to clear the air clashed.
I wanted to call a truce, he wanted to talk… neither got what we wanted. Instead we got war… war that went on for hours in a manner really to painful to describe.
In the light of day, peace and a new understanding for what we each needed had been reached.
Fix and I were at peace… and ready to move forward with thenastiness behind us.

But a new pain had surfaced. A feeling of loss swept across me. Goddess will always be my best friend, and I can always count her to remain neutral in any given situation.
But now…. Now the story is different. I can no longer vent about MY husband. He is OUR husband… I can not say that $%#^&** did this or said that. At least I don’t feel in fairness to her I can. He is now our husband and asking her take sides is unfair of me.
And so now…. In the sharing of our lives and loves much has been gained, but a teeny piece has been lost.
Goddess is still my very best friend. And I would sooner cut my tongue out than cause her a moments pain. And so with that said we find a neutral place to rest in the manners of the game of he said , she said and move forward in new ways.

Amazing how love can be so beautiful and tender. And yet bring such pain at times.

There I a word that plagues our quad…. Inequality.

Our situation is unique in several factors…. Over the last 6 months we had a routine.
At 5 a.m. Goddess and Fix would meet in th kitchen for breakfast, whereby she would pack his lunch and see him off to work.

At 7 I arose along with Big to help ready the 9 for school and pre-school. The Goddess would scoop up the two youngest take them off to pre-school where she also happened to work.

Now this left Big and I…. we work from home most days. There are occasional meetings at other locations. And once in a awhile we get an overnight for ot of town business. But for the most part, we work from home.

This is where the “inequality” began to rear it’s head. Big and I would inevitably find ourselves sharing in some private time on several of the these days where we found ourselves alone.

Fix and Goddess however, got no real alone time unless a “swap” was arraigned for the evening. This was problematic as I am sure you can guess. I got a lot of snide remarks from Fix often… “ it must be nice” was the standard one. Big and I were and are aware of that inequality…. But Fix’s work schedule really allows for little more. Of course this causes difficulties all around.

Now as the school year has closed and Goddess has resigned from teaching in order to be home full time, new inequalities have emerged. Of course with 9 kids home all day who have no idea of the full relationship there really aren’t a lot of opportunities for us to get together. But now when an opportunity arises…. Big and Goddess and I take advantage of it. While Fix will say I am glad you found time…. And I feel he sincerely means it, there is still that sense of inequality haunting him.

We had a convention for our company and it was decided that we would fly in a day early and stay 3 days late, thereby not only giving us from fun play time as a quad….. but while Big and spent 3 straight 14 our days at the convention, Goddess and Fix would have some time to enjoy each others company. We knew this would by no means level the scales if one were to keep count. But Big and I hoped in some small way it would help them to feel as if they were getting some time together.

One of the greatest hurdles is that the children fully understand Big and I leaving for business…. But what excuse do we come up with to get Goddess and Fix away for a weekend ?? It is question we have asked often.

And now the morning of our next to last full day has dawned. Fix and Goddess are the quiet souls, so when we found ourselves at a fun loving bar catering to the dance crowd for dinner, it was Big and I who began to loosen up and enjoy the time spent there. At close to 10 Fix and Goddess chose to turn in and Big and chose to remain to enjoy the still young evening. They sauntered off to the room and we stayed until 2 dancing and enjoying and out of character experience. Upon our return, a quick shower and and almost as brief window of private time was shared. And so we drifted off to sleep to the sounds of Goddess and Fix snoring softly thru the connecting door of our rooms.

Fast forward about 4 hours…..

I awoke to a rustling and thinking Goddess and Fix were just waking I slipped thru the doorway to be greeted by a unclothed Fix. This compounded my thought that indeed they had just awoke. I slid into bed and he joined me…..I was in hopes of possibly sharing time him. And then he said…” Hi Baby, we were just about to have some time together since we went right to sleep last night, but that’s ok… you can join us”

Instantly alarm bells went off in my head…. I had interrupted their time…. The precious commodity of time alone that they so rarely share. I jumped up from the bed and so ok… well I’m sill tired I’ll go back to the other room so I can sleep. I slipped into the bathroom for eye drops ( sandpaper contacts) and met a clothed Goddess. I asked why she was dressed and she replied that they had just returned from breakfast.. I said “ well there is a nekkid man in there, you should join him” and breezed out. Goddess asked before I slipped back thru the door if I would join them.
Oh how I would have loved that. But in the eyes of myself and Big… the reason we decided to make this a full vacation , not just work, was to help level those scales of inequality. So again I stated my intention of continued sleep and crawled into bed next to the still sleeping Big. I closed my eyes and spent an good 15 minutes trying to go back to sleep…. But to no avail.
Rather I laid there and began to consider this Blog….. if the 4 of us love each other we do, why then is there a need by some to measure ?? To carry the scale of equality.

My reason for NOT joining them even though I wanted to, was so as not to infringe on THEIR time…. Thereby making it our time. Sounds strange I know. But this is an issue that this quad struggles with. How to be equal, to be “fair”.

In a perfect world…. Or just maybe even smaller, in a perfect quad, this would be no issue.

Our flight was delayed by an hour… the 90 minutes we expected to wait became well over two hours, making our flight virtually a cross country ”red-eye”.
This is our company’s national convention we are heading to. This is a huge deal for Big and I… a large number of our co-workers are all over the airport and as we found out upon boarding…a few were even on our flight.

Big and I work together daily. We’re used to acting as business associates only in public. We are used to appearing distant and wearing our “game faces”.
Goddess on the other hand has been very excited about this trip. She has been expectantly waiting for the four of us to be able to leave home away from the watchful eyes of the children.
She wants to be free to hold our hands in public and generally enjoy life as a quad, un-closeted to the unknowing public of a far off city. Because of this deep desire she… we all have, we booked a hotel about 6 miles from the convention center, a small step below the “glitz” level our co-workers would have chosen in hopes that we will be afforded some privacy. While Big and I spend our days virtually ignoring each other Fix and Goddess will have some long overdue alone time.

With all that said you can imagine that the excitement and expectation level was high for all of us.
And then reality hit.

As we stood in the airport check-in… doing nothing more than sharing light conversation, and positioned as opposing couples, Big noticed a co-worker a few places back in line. He made a gentle comment to Goddess about being careful, to which she took poorly. In honesty I can not blame her. This is a vacation for she and Fix and will be for the four of us as soon as the convention ends. In the desire for freedom, this was a reminder that we are not. We are four people who have chosen to live an unconventional lifestyle that would be greatly frowned upon by the majority of people and especially by our co-workers upon whom our livelihood is dependant.

And so we proceeded to spend the next hours about as uncomfortably as I can expect any four people to ever be. Goddess became hurt and withdrew from all of us. We were seated with she at the plane window, Fix next and then myself on the isle. Big was next to me in the other isle seat.
For four hours Fix and I exchanged knowing and helpless glances as we watched Goddess try very hard to make herself shrink into the plane seat. Fix could not even get her to hold his hand in the dark of the flight, because she felt “watched”. Upon our arrival at our destination Goddess and Big had a few words, the words were heated….but there was an obvious temperature drop in the baggage area…. And thusly we began our trip on an ever so somber note.

Take heart dear reader…. All was well in the light of day. But once again…. The issue of being a quad and all that that means for us in our daily life is what we have chosen to take on. And so now we move forward with the rest of the week…. With great hopes and expectations.

I’m the type of person that hates conflict of any kind.  I was raised in a nonviolent family and there was rarely any quarreling.  The very thought of confrontation makes my stomach churn.  The peacemaker in me will do practically anything to keep my environment calm and serene.  I believe that in most cases, diplomacy can rule and understanding can come to even the testiest of situations.  But I’m also fully aware that this is not the way for everyone. 

Big has always been my problem solver.  If there was an issue that required boxing gloves, rather literally or figuratively, he was the one to put them on and settle things for me.  Financial disagreements, territorial disputes, or legal clashes were his to handle.  He doesn’t really like them any more than I do, but he handles it so much better.  It is just one of the many ways he protects me.  So its safe to say I’ve had very little exposure to the no holds barred, everything is free game, say what whatever will cause the most pain style of fighting. 

Not to begin pointing any poly fingers here, but I’ve recently been exposed to some knock down drag out mud slinging opposition.  It turns my blood cold and I don’t know what to do with that kind of (non) conflict management.  Of course, being that the people involved are so very near and dear to my heart, I feel the instant urging to jump in and offer up advice or a sympathetic ear; ANYTHING to keep the conflict at bay. 

Liaison is a term given to describe a person who communicates and/or mediates between parties.  One would need to be level headed and unbiased.  I can see where I might be good at that job if those third parties were complete strangers to me.  I could be useful if the situation didn’t stir up my feelings of fear or generate mental images of buildings destroyed or hearts lying in rubble.  From my perspective, there is no neutral middle ground. 

The ability to see both sides of an argument was great when I was studying debate, but in real life, that teeter totter between he said/she said is enough to send me running for the nearest dark corner where I can safely hide until the situation passes.  And while I’m there, I’d enjoy a valium or a sleeping pill of some kind.  And wake me when it’s safe to come out of hiding. 

~Goddess, written in Vegas 2