Dark chocolate.  Full bodied red wine.  A good book, a warm quilt, and a cozy fire.  Precious metal inlaid with diamonds.  The laughter of children.  Classical piano. Winter’s first snow.  Cinnamon rolls in the oven on holiday morning. 

There are certain things in life that the mere mention brings a certain feeling to your senses.  Whether its good times or warm memories, there are things in each of our lives that bring a definite glow to our heart. 

Growing up my parents trained me to deal better with “feast or famine” than with balanced budgeting.  Big has oft accused me of being a high maintenance woman.  I can’t and won’t deny either notion.  In the immortal words of Sally (of When Harry Met Sally fame), “I just like it how I like it.”  This statement is true of everything in my life.  This is also true of everybody in my life. 

Some might say it’s because I am difficult to please.  I don’t think that’s it as much as I am so much easier to displease.  I am not sure which is worse, but I made excuses and apologies for my peculiar relationship standards for a long time before I came to the conclusion that this is my life, and it’s too damn short to be putting up with intolerable people. 

There are few people I’ve encountered in my days that I was neutral about.  Most fell into the “enjoyable at arms length” category.  A smaller number fell into the “no common ground, no thank you anyway” category.  An even smaller number were added to the “very special inner circle, let’s spend more time here” group.  And less than a hand full in my life have been delicately hand placed into the very special position I hold in my heart for people so extraordinary I can’t adequately give them a category. 

Three of those I am lucky enough to spend my days and nights with.  I count my blessings daily for the life we’ve created, regardless of its potentially controversial and irrefutably unconventional status.  In the last few months, our quad has made no pretense of hiding any ugly truths from our dear readers.  In fact, we’ve actually had one reader ask to be removed from our blog because we were “too painful” to watch.  I presume that person was referring to the constant up and down struggle we’ve had of late.  I only have one metaphor in response to that. 

I marched in my high school band for three years.  Not a long run, but enough to get a really good taste for competition drum and bugle corps.  We never placed nationally, but we did many regional and state competitions, and we rarely left without some sort of ranking.  I learned quite a few life lessons from that experience, most of which are not applicable here, save one.  “The better you get, the more obvious your flaws.”  Our director used to slam us with that half baked compliment when we were in pre competition drills.  Basically, in the beginning when we were all learning and our steps were all over the place, we just looked like a blob.  But as we improved, each out of place instrument, each fractional misalignment, each knee not at the right level, began to stand out more and more. 

It’s not a totally perfect picture of our quad, but it’s the best I can do on short notice.  The thing is, yes, we’ve had some rough patches that I still attribute to transitions and some way back ancient history, but overall, we’re still really great.  I am living a life that few can imagine.  I am surrounded day and night by not one, but three people who claim their unyielding affection for me.  I have a family of nine wonderful (notice I did not say perfectly well behaved) children.  Our home is loud and messy and full of activity.  Love lives here. 

Each of us fill some needs, have a place, make a difference.   All of us together are a charismatic force.  Individually, our strengths can more than take care of anything we might encounter.  Together, we can overcome our weaknesses with the power of our unity.  A few challenges do not mean the end any more than shallow victories make us heroes.  So for those of you who are faint of heart, take note.  Just in case we haven’t made ourselves clear in the past- we’re not going anywhere. 

My life is only complete with the loyal visionary Mr. Big, the mechanically brilliant Fix, and the distinctive style of my soul’s sister Temptress.  They are the finest things in my life. 

~Goddess, 9-12-06

I miss the simplicity of monogamy. Whenever I start to feel like I’m leveling off and moving on, the turbulence from the unknown of polyamory sends me into a tailspin. When LG and I were a party of two, we did many things together. Many of them we both enjoyed such as dinner and a movie out or on the rare occasion we found ourselves childless for an evening, staying in to play cards or enjoy a fire. Dinner and a movie in on such an evening even allowed for a much more relaxed dress code. Often we would do things that only one of us enjoyed. As long as the other party could tolerate the activity, it was well worthwhile just to spend the time with our mate. She enjoys shopping, arts and crafts, and anything having to do with making her nest more cozy from cleaning and repairing to rearranging. I’ll do those things with her if she makes me because I love her, not the activity. I have a similar list that she feels the same about that usually center on business activities and anything outdoors. The few activities that exist that one of us absolutely despised were to be done alone, with others, or absolutely dropped all together.

Our quad seemed to be the perfect balance. The wives, who are so much alike, were totally opposite in one specific area. One’s “barely tolerable” list was the others “I can’t get enough of it” list. Fix and I are opposites on most everything except our values so we balance each other out. Suddenly, we each had a love in our live that wanted to be involved in those “barely tolerable” parts as well. So many of the parts of each of the women that were buried for years to meld to her man were now coming out and bursting onto the scene. All of those gaps and rough edges were being rapidly filled in and smoothed out.

So where is the poly challenge? I have found a few. It turns out that all of those gaps and rough edges made it much easier to hold onto one another. One of LG’s love languages is “acts of service” and I will add to it “with a cheerful heart.” All of those things I use to do that I could only tolerate were the way I told her “I love you.” Suddenly, someone else is doing them because he actually likes them and is good at them. How can I compete with that? He is so good at them and does them so quickly; they aren’t even there for me to tolerate doing them anymore. In fact, she has grown pretty accustom to the things I was already good at or enjoyed and takes them for granted. All I am left with is the list of my faults and weaknesses. Fix is going through the same thing in reverse from what I can see. We suddenly have plenty of activities and interest to enjoy with our SOs, but what about our spouse?

So I start to look around for things I can do with LG that we will both appreciate and enjoy. We have tried lots of activities and interest over the last few decades and frankly I’m stumped to find great new ones. All of the activities we use to enjoy doing together seem to be things all four of us enjoy. Travel, movies, and dinner are now “all for one and one for all” occurrences. Other than going to bed when you can’t hold your eyes open for another moment, do I ever see her alone? Even then, if I would agree to all of us in one bedroom, she would have us together in a heartbeat.

When you take away any activities that belong to the two of you and you’re being compared to someone that brings all of these new pieces to the table, its painful to see where your relationship starts to head. Instead of seeing strengths I bring to the relationship, she seems to be overwhelmed with mistake and pains I’ve caused in the past. I feel like Woody when Buzz enters the scene in “Toy Story.” Maybe the newness of the new toy will wear off. Maybe things will go back to how they use to be. Maybe she’ll still love and need me. When you are going through these feelings, it is easy to imagine that your relationship and primary status will dwindle down to a part-time roommate situation. I don’t want to ever be one of those couples saying “we just grew apart.”

I do know she loves me. I know she want us to be strong. She wants me to fight for the quad with her and stop blaming its existence for our problems. The odds are that she will forgive me, learn to trust me again to call the hard shots, and remember why she married me originally. I just don’t want to play the odds. She needs me to totally let her go and release her and I’m scared to death what COULD happen if I do. But as she is so quick to remind me, she doesn’t belong to me. In monogamy, you belong to one another and no other earthly relationship is more important than that one. Now I’m participating in a game called Poly where the stakes are everything I hold dear and the rules get made up as you go.

I don’t like feeling scared and alone, If you see my wife, please tell her I miss her and love her very much.

~B

As a woman, I like my shoes.  I never was one of those self proclaimed shoe lovers, but I’ve come to realize due to the amount I own, there must be something that draws women to shoes.  And as crazy as this sounds, within each shoe lies a essence that speaks to me. 

I have many more pair than our guys do.  They need just a few pair – business shoes, dress shoes, work shoes, and workout shoes.  Somewhere between four and six pair easily covers all their needs.  But that won’t come close to covering my needs, not even close. 

I need heels in several colors.  Heels are a must for slimming your calf and making your legs look longer.  Most women will agree that blue, black, and some sort of toffee to go with all those lovely chocolate numbers that are so popular today are a wardrobe must.  I need mules and clogs.  These are positively my favorite in the cooler months.  I can easily slip in and go without a lot of worry over when my last pedicure occurred.  Sneakers, certainly, some to go with shorts and tops, some for really working out, and some to use for the gardening (those would be last years work out shoes!).  Then there are sandals.  Probably my most adored shoes.  They come in so many colors and styles.  I know most summer seasons, I can easily accumulate upwards of six, eight, or even ten pairs of sandals depending on how many survived the previous season. 

My feet have been the same size since I was in the eighth grade.  Even at a purchase rate of three pairs of shoes a year, over twenty five years, that’s a
LOT of shoes.  I tend to be a pack rat, even worse so if I think I “might need that one day.”  And shoes definitely fall into the easy to accumulate category.  Shoes that are purchased for special occasions or are infrequently worn because they match only a few items can have a life of a decade or longer. 

But no matter how much I adore a shoe, no matter how cute they look with their coordinating outfit, no matter what a great deal I got on them – eventually I’m ready to trade them in for the comfort of my slippers.  Ah, those slippers are nasty ugly things, they’ve been washed a hundred times, but I love them anyway.  They are soft, and protective, and they tell my feet it’s ok to relax – we’re home now. 

I’m sure this is a blog only a woman can appreciate, as Big will frequently stand in the doorway of my closet and merely shake his head at the pile of mismatched foot adornments and ask, “why is it you need all these again?”  But I see you all shaking your heads, nodding in agreement.  You understand.  A woman and her shoes is a special thing indeed.  If you make a bad choice, you can pay dearly for it. 

So, what does all of this have to do with our poly life?  Not really a lot.  But it can be applicable to any relationship.  There are those people in your life that make you look good, make you feel good, or make you wish you had three just like them. 

~Goddess, 9-7-06

I’m the type that will apologize for anything.  “I’m sorry your dog died.”  “I’m sorry you got a speeding ticket.”  “I’m sorry you cut your finger.”  Those aren’t statements of assuming guilt, merely a heartfelt caring for someone who’s hurting. 

There are other times when a true and sincere apology is needed.  This is when I’ve been the cause of the hurt, when I’ve stepped across a line, or when I am responsible for a negative effect for someone else.  Of course, no one wants to admit when they have done something wrong.  No one enjoys having their faults pointed out.  No one wants to be blamed or criticized.  But is this enough to avoid making amends?  Of course it isn’t.  It’s an opportunity to step across your comfort zone and do the right thing. 

I was always taught as a child that apologies were liberating.  When you confess yourself to the person you hurt, there is a healing and a bonding there that can normally transcend whatever the original pain.  Why then is it so hard for some to apply?  How is it being wrong is so terrible?  Why is it appalling to admit your mistakes?   

Big is a believer is both parties apologizing for their role.  The old adage “it takes two to tango” doesn’t only apply to dancing and sex.  It also fits nicely with arguing.  If one person is blatantly inflammatory, how does the party of the second part fit in to making things right again?   

What hurts worse than no apology is the idea that the victim is somehow to blame for the actions of the offending party.  Since when did admitting you’ve hurt someone become such an ordeal, that a person must redirect the blame?  Blame shifting is one of those things for which I have severely little tolerance. Exactly what does a person gain by playing a “dodge the blame” game?  Nothing screams “childish” more than an adult who refuses to admit they messed up – especially when another’s feelings are on the line. 

However, what about those times when two people are at odds, both feeling wronged?  How does one determine who needs to apologize?  How does one determine if either needs to apologize?   

I’ve always bought into the idea that the bigger person will make the first move.  I considered that whoever wanted to end the fight badly enough would stick out the olive branch and ask for a truce.  Those were the beliefs of someone who had yet to be hurt so very badly.  I can say over time, and with enough hurts; wounds may scab and heal, but the damage is always there, and the sensitivity never really returns to the pre-hurt neutrality. 

Maybe this was an exercise in futility; perhaps I’m no different than a dog chasing its tail.  Maybe it’s our human nature to avoid embarrassment that comes with having to be humble.  Maybe it’s just easier to pretend nothing ever happened.  Maybe if we close our eyes tight enough, the person we hurt will just forget all those mean and nasty things we said.  Maybe, that thing we did will fade with time.  Maybe, but not likely. 

~Goddess, 9-6-06 

I’m finding myself to be the slowest of the quad again. Actually it is not slower, it feels as if I have taken a slightly different fork mentally from the rest of my quad. As I studied polyamory, I became comfortable with the idea of my wife having other loves primarily because of the idea that humans are capable of loving without limits. I liked the comparison that when a second or third child is born into a family, the first child(ren) are still just as loved as before. By seeing relationships with other women in this way, I felt freed. I had always avoided even friendships with members of the opposite sex and asked the same of my spouse all in the name of monogamy. The couple of times that anything more developed at all had proven to me that I could not honor my promises to my wife if I allowed females to be more than a passing acquaintance. I was trying to control my heart. The only exception seemed to be other couples we knew as a couple. Somehow, they seemed safe since their spouse was with them.

Laundry Goddess, Temptress, and Fix seemed to be in love with one another from the day we first discussed the quad. Temptress and I spent long hours together to develop our relationship and I do love her. But to mentally steel myself for the imbalance in the strength of the bonds within the quad, I adopted the unlimited loves concepts I mentioned above. The others chose poly-fidelity or nothing at all. I chose poly-fi because my loves requested it. If Goddess requested monogamy or pure poly, I believe I could turn to those camps with about the same degrees of difficulty as I have to poly-fi. In my heart I am poly with yearnings for the simplicity of monogamy. When this difference came up with the others, it was not received well.

I have no one specifically in mind. I have no intention of developing that type of relationship yet I agree that those stages of a relationship can move very rapidly especially when being carried on the waves of NRE. I refuse to ever have a relationship that is hidden from my loves. I can’t image the logistics required to have such a deceptive affair with two women in my home already. I am committed to the fidelity of the quad because the others ask it. I still wanted the freedom to not relegate the women that come through my life to a level of passing acquaintances only. I no longer wish to run away from every relationship that approaches the level of “friend”. I need my loves to be involved with such other women. I want them to tell me if I’m heading the wrong direction or if I’m suddenly blinded by NRE. Can’t such a woman just be a close friend? I do not believe that all such friendships have to become sexual or fade away to nothingness.

By moving into a realm where we have to make up the rules as we go, I find myself uneasy and unbalanced on less than stable terrain. LG is so far ahead of where I am that every step I take forward makes her want to pull me even further and faster since I’m moving already. She seems to be trying to find herself in this process as well. When there was just the two of us, we had day to day challenges to overcome as any couple does. One of us might isolate ourselves for a while, but we would make amends and appropriate apologies and work on intimacy together. When others are in the relationship who can offer affection and conversation, there is no isolation to push you back together. The fact that none of the painful hurts and fights exist from the past with these others makes them all the easier to turn to. We seem to get plenty of one-on-one time with our opposites due to work schedules, but we don’t take that time with our own spouse. Suddenly, I feel as if my primary love can fall into nothing more than a roommate situation if we don’t find a way to spend the time together to build our relationship. I know that neither of us wants this. The catch 22 seems to be finding the fine line between pulling on her and ignoring her. When that line gets to blurry or hard to maintain, I find myself wanting to seek out Temptress just because it’s easy to spend time there.

Why is it something I normally enjoy doing is corrupted by a deadline?  Why is it when I HAVE to do something the joy is stripped from the process?  Why is it I have this monster inside me that awakens in rageful vengeance the moment some project turns from an act of loving service into a demanded requirement?  Most people do well with deadlines; it makes them think faster, or better.  For most, positive pressure can be a good thing.  So why is it that I shrink cowardly away from those things that rank a “must do” heading on my “to do” list? 

I consider myself a fairly active and together person, most of the time.  In fact, I think I’ve been accused of being the “Earth Mother’s answer to Martha Stewart” from time to time.  (Occassionally that makes me shudder, but most of the time I consider it quite the compliment.)  But right now I’m standing at the bottom of a large mountain, looking up at the pile of things that are demanding my time and attention.  In all honestly, it’s nothing more than the normal ups and downs of life, they just all seem to be converging on me at once:

• My bedroom and bathroom are a mess and in dire need of reorganization
• There are more toys out of place than in place
• I’m behind on laundry
• I’m facing the annual “changing of the clothing” which comes at the season shift, along with boxing and sorting for storage vs. donation
• My desk is such a mess I’ve taken up space in Big’s office with my laptop, which is now doubling as another desk that I’ve allowed to accrue clutter
• It’s time to pay bills and I’m not even sure I know where they all are
• The kitchen cabinets are once discombobulated and need to be culled and cleaned
• The kids school boxes need sorting from last school year
• I haven’t touched my craft area or my scrapbooking hobby  in months
• I’m in the middle of three very good books I can’t seem to get back to
• …and we have a column due in a few weeks.

Oh, and I did I mention I volunteered to be the room mom for LM4 and I’m about to find myself a single parent for most of the month of September? 

On top of the household tasks, there have been some emotional and mental challenges between some family members, a few of the kids, and some sticky situations among my loves.  I feel like I’m out of touch with what I need to do for me, and thusly I’m not being the kind of mother, wife, or spice that becomes me.  In general, I feel unprepared for the tasks and relationships set before me.  It’s not really a new feeling.  I get overwhelmed from time to time.  Actually, most likely, it happens much more often than I care to admit.  Dare I say <(cringe)> that it may even be a cyclical occurrence? 

Our family (all 13 of us) are Harry Potter fans.  Anyone remember book three when those black and drearily draped ghoulish Dementors glided gloomily through the misty fog with their only intent to suck the pleasure and life from a soul?  That’s sort of how I’m feeling right now.  Like nothing really holds the joy and I’m fighting very, very hard to push back those spirits and cling faithfully to the contentment and satisfaction I’ve felt over the last year or so.  Is it too early to say “Ba Humbug?” 

The good news is this… I can usually overcome them with time and a little internal “what the Hades are you doing?” and some “Get off your ass and get moving” energy.  I can normally muster that right after I sleep for a week and wallow in a puddle of self pity.  Large amounts of chocolate, sugar, and other self indulgent actions also help.   

So, stay tuned…  my practical self can’t handle my sloth-like self for very long.  Eventually, I’ll feel ready to face my demons.  I know it won’t be long before I’ll be back in line with my annoying OCD tendencies and the well oiled household machine in no time flat.  But until that time, can somebody hand me the TV remote? 

~Goddess, 9-5-06