In the world of polyamory, there seems to be many different ways of defining as well as actually following (or totally rejecting) hierarchical systems in polyamorous relationships. I hardly posted anything during the month of September because of the turmoil this very issue was creating within our quad. I guess its time to throw my concerns on the table and get some constructive criticism. Within the community, I have found very few supporters of a primary/secondary system when you all live under one roof.

When we first started considering poly just over a year ago, going against four decades of Christian monogamous training was frightening. As many issues as exist in traditional marriages, well functioning examples of relationships working well were plentiful enough to give us hope. One of our biggest reasons for starting this blog was to send out a flare to try to find other functioning cross coupled quads. Plentiful examples there are not. After a year I know of less than a half dozen and most of those are the same age as ours. We are quite strong but still human. If so few other tribes had pulled off what we are attempting, what makes us so certain we could do it?

It’s difficult to work toward forever but still plan for all of the “what ifs?” I like the idea of if something goes right, I can work it in. I want to be in Temptress and Fix’s lives forever. I want the four of us to grow old together. But if in trying to have my poly cake and eat it to, I ever risked my relationship with Laundry Goddess, then this whole path would have been the biggest mistake of my life. My only attempt at a solution to this was her word that if I could not handle being poly and involved with the quad, that she promised that she would pull back with me. From the beginning, the entire quad agreed to a hierarchical system. In my mind, a primary is not loved more, but they are given a priority in needs and time allotment.

I know that this solution has a thousand holes in it. I know that if I ever pulled her away from the people she loves, that she would be a shell of her former self and would only be coming out of duty or obligation. I know this is full of possession issues. I know that I have many miles to travel to get to a point where I am strong enough to release her entirely no matter how many times I think I tried to.

Past mistakes of mine pushed her to look for the security of multiple relationships. I feared that it would be easier for her to focus on others with whom she had a clean slate. I’ve seen her relegate other important relationships in her life to more of a need to know basis when the other party transgressed in some way. I was fearful that she had given up on ever trusting me again. The ladies have assured me this is not the case. Jealousy got me to a point where I wanted the quad to continue, but the sexual relationships had to stop for a period of time. She took back my right to ever pull her away. I needed Goddess to return to me before I could try to return to some level of normalcy.

This is not a side of myself that is easy to share in an open forum. I felt I had nothing left to give. The more I pulled on her, the more she pushed away. I knew the moment that I requested this freeze of activities that I was going to push her away for a time. I’ve never been more fearful of making a choice, but had convinced myself of the outcome of the path we were on. Ten days later, Goddess did something wonderful that I could not seem to do myself. She came to me and said, we’ll do it your way. I woke up the next morning to her doing everything she could to meet my needs. I have been trying to do the same for her ever since. She gave me something and suddenly I had something I could give back. I am quite comfortable sharing out of abundance but am lousy at it when I feel everything is about to be lost.

You can imagine how much I hurt Temptress when I pulled away from her to try to strengthen my relationship with Goddess. I hated seeing walls start going up between her and Goddess. I still have issues with secondaries being close when primaries are having issues. I believe that it takes away some of the holes designed to pull the primary couple back together when the secondary relationship can so easily fill them. When Temptress and Fix argue, I am torn between being there to comfort her and wanting to push her towards reconciliation with him. I know this is when she needs me most.

I love the poly ideal of floating from one love to the next and everyone’s needs being met. I want to be so secure with my self and our choices that this is assumed to be how we all behave. I hope over time I mature to such a point where hierarchies are meaningless to me. Until I do though, to my own family I say thank you, thank you, thank you for allowing me to grow at my own pace and for putting up with all of these quirks. I’m trying to get there.

~Mr. Big

The sky was blue and clear with just the right amount of white fluffy clouds.  The air was crisp and cool.  The sun was bright and warm.  It was a picture perfect autumn day.   

Our quad, along with all nine of the children, a friend, our nanny and her fiancé loaded up our bus and headed out for an afternoon and evening of hanging out in the great outdoors:  we headed to a local park for a picnic and a light and fireworks display.  It’s not really the kind of thing a person gets all worked up about.  In fact, it was rather spur of the moment decision to attend, but we’d been looking for an inexpensive outing with the whole crew, and this seemed to fit the bill. 

Armed with blankets and quilts, folding chairs, coolers, and plenty of fried chicken, the sixteen of us sang merrily (yes, we sang – a little corny, but fun none the less) most of the hour drive across town.  It began with a teenage version of “100 Bottles of Soda on the Wall” and we went full rounds of the new family show tunes.  Those are the songs the children have each made up about our family, with recognizable TV tunes such as “The Addams Family” and “The Flintstones” theme songs.  Apparently, Gomez and Morticia are not the only ones who are creepy and kooky.  And we aren’t the “modern stone age family,” we are, in fact, a “uniquely blended family.”  You just gotta’ love creative tweens, right? 

We arrived in time to carry our belongings to the grassy knoll and stake out an acceptable site for eating, playing, and viewing.  Each older child held the hand of a younger one, each parent had a box or cooler, and the ones stuck in the middle were keepers of the blankets.  Once we claimed our spot, the child pairings began heading off to explore.  They climbed on rocks, threw stones into the lake, watched a train go by, and rolled down a very nicely manicured hill; all to the contentment of some now hungry children. 

We had a low tech afternoon, followed by a picnic and some high tech entertainment.  Everyone was tired by the time we loaded the bus to head home, and we rolled into the driveway about 10:30; well after the children’s bedtime.  During the drive, six of the ten children had succumbed to sleep and although we still were singing (to a CD this time) it was quieter and we had more chat time in between. 

What’s so blog worthy about a peaceful afternoon out with the family?  Not really a lot.  The point is we are having some quality “normal” occur.  It isn’t like we haven’t gone places and done things before.  But that day, with things from our quad more in synch than they’ve been in months, our little spontaneous excursion gave me the feeling that just one more thing was going right for us. 

It is a wonderful day indeed when we can take time to smell the flowers, skip rocks, and enjoy a meal on the grass with people that you could easily enjoy 24/7.  The busyness of our lives and daily schedules sometimes precludes us from fully enjoying what we have in this life.  Days like these don’t come around all that often, and I’m simply reveling in our special autumn togetherness. 

~Goddess, 10-17-06

Our quad has been undergoing some interesting renovations lately.  I think we’ll be better for it in the long run, but like any worthwhile exercise, sometimes the “getting there” isn’t as pleasant as the end result. 

I’ve heard there are seasons in any relationship, and that it cycles from good to bad and back again with the settled calm in between times.  This past summer was definitely what I would consider a “winter” in our quad, but I see signs of spring, and boy oh boy, it is a wonderful thing indeed.  Please overlook the obsessive use of metaphors in this writing, but I feel as if I’ve been holding my breath for months, and finally I’m able to exhale slowly and smile as I suck in a lung full of fresh air.  There isn’t really a huge amount of information to share here, other than I am ever so much more in touch with my optimistic side again.   

Big and I are doing really, really great and I’m feeling like we’re relating like newlyweds again.  We went to dinner the other night and we just couldn’t stop talking.  He said to me, “This is when I know we are ok – we never run out of things to talk about.”  Ya, it was a nice moment.  It gave me the tingles. 

Fix is about 60% of the way through a whole series of medical issues and procedures that will make his life (and ours) a lot more comfortable.  The newest addition to his arsenal was diagnosis of his sleep apnea and the forthcoming arrival of a CPAP machine, guaranteed to keep our Fix alive all night long.  Something about 15 years of sleep deprivation can effect a person, so I’m anticipating a long weekend of a sleep induced coma for him, followed by much more restful nights and energetic days. 

Temptress and I are once again centered.  She and I are so alike, and when the going got tough, we each began to shut pieces of ourselves away in a miserable attempt to protect the other.  The honest truth is, when she is distanced from me, I feel like a part of my soul is missing.  Now that Big and I have settled several issues between us, my availability to Temptress is once again unencumbered and we have been clinging to each other for days; making up for lost time. 

On top of all of this, the heavens are graciously gifting us autumn’s abundance.  Fall is my very favorite time of the year.  The air is crisp, the leaves are beautiful, and I feel energy in everything around me.  Hope has come to me again and I do not have to work so hard to protect my buoyancy.  This doesn’t mean everything in my life is perfect, but I love the feeling of being high on life again. 

~Goddess, October 12, 2006 

What’s a girl to do when she finds herself helplessly torn between what she wants (or needs or craves desperately) and what is expected of her??  For many years, I walked a straight and narrow path.  I was the good girl.  I did as I was told.  Everyone could expect the best of me.  And I never let them down. 

Growing up I was a straight A student.  I was the head photographer and photography editor of my yearbook for two years.  I rarely dated.  I always obeyed my curfew.  No drugs, no drinking, and I was a virgin when I met Big.  We dated for over two years before getting married at the tender age of 20.  We bought a house.  I planted flowers and grew vegetables in the backyard.  I graduated college despite my Mommy status for the last two years of my education.  There was no partying; no vices.  We attended church regularly.  I produced the first of the grandchildren (natural childbirth, of course).  I rarely missed anyone’s birthday or anniversary.  I was the classic overachiever, conforming to the standards of those who needed me. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am not perfect by any means.  I have my share of personality quirks and irritating habits.  My OCD tendencies alone are enough to drive anyone to the brink of insanity.  I can be snippy and crabby and moody as hell.  And for the last several years, I’ve been bitter and cynical.  I have lived at the edge of my reasoning.  I permitted myself to fall into the rut of existing without really living.  I accepted my chosen course and allowed it to define me, rather than being true to the nudges I pushed further down inside me.  I became jaded.  I was a shell of a woman, half heartedly doing my job as a teacher, a mommy, and a wife.   

Temptress and I have been friends for over seven years.  She’s seen me grow and change and evolve, even when my evolution was ugly or painful.  When she and I began our discussions last year about altering the nature of our relationship, I saw a light at the end of the tunnel.  For the first time in a long time, I began to have feelings of awakening.  Those twinges lit me up inside.  They gave me reason to dust off a lot of the old me and breathe life back into the things that created a unique individual rather than a ghost.  It was like standing at the threshold of a new era.  My thirty-something self was finally reaching out and rediscovering who I really was inside. 

Of course, I have to pay homage to the “it isn’t just about the sex” god.  The truth about my poly conversion is that I had people in my life to share and encourage those parts of me I had put on a shelf before.  Unboxing those items felt good; really, really good. 

Temptress sees, and has for years, the real me and loves me in spite of all my oddities.  We share many meaningful commonalities, including our passions (family, spirituality, and purpose).  When I’m with her I feel like I’m whole.  And I feel wholly understood.  As much as I’ve tried before, I cannot summon any words that adequately express the depth of our relationship.  But I’m certain if we were on a deserted island together, we’d never be lonely or bored. 

Fix brings out the part in me who loves to know how things work; the part of me that still loves

because they show those cool clips of the crayon factory.  He explains things to me in terms I can understand and is always willing to give me a chance to experience the tougher side of life in a safe environment.  He has given me the chance to weld, and rewire, and while the day away tinkering with grease and power tools.  He empowers me to be more self sufficient and I feel a certain security in his presence. 

I was so taken with the me my new loves exposed, that I lingered too long in the reverie that comes with captivating discovery.  I enjoyed the glow, the mental stimulation, and the challenge of figuring out what made them tick.  I took all the great and wonderful things I’d shared with Big for granted.  I became the thing I despise.  I immersed myself in what felt good and took every chance I had to indulge myself in the luxury of my adrenaline rush.  I got selfish.  And in some sick way I felt vindicated in those choices.  I incorrectly assumed that I was due some sort of liberation based on my years of respectable living. 

In my egocentric haze, I forgot there were others around me with needs and feelings too.  Actually, I didn’t forget at all, I simply encouraged the hurt part of me to rule my rational “should” self.  Normally, my conscious presides over my actions, but in the last months, I have pushed that small voice away in the name of my wants and my needs.  I have run head long towards personal fulfillment using ancient excuses to dictate flawed thinking and self centered behavior. 

This past summer I found my once solid marriage limping along on nothing more than its own former strength.  We were six months into our committed cross coupled cohabitation, and I had violated rule number one (primary pull).  The problem was, I no longer wanted to play by the rules we had originally agreed upon.  I was using my arsenal of past grievances as levers to try and illicit greater liberty from Big.  No matter how wonderful a person is, in twenty years there is guaranteed to be plenty of “how could you?” incidents. 

Big is a great guy.  Always has been.  I was crazy about him from the first date.  He was unlike anyone I had ever known.  He is a visionary, a broad thinker.  He was a risk taker.  He was bold and daring.  He was intellectual.  We could talk for hours and hours.  I was lured by his presence.  I was drawn to his enthusiasm.  I saw amazing potential in him.  I fell totally and hopelessly in love with him.  And our future together looked incredible.  Really, it still does.  It’s just a much different future than we envisioned 19 years ago. 

In the midst of thinking and sorting and learning within our refurbished life,  I have been reminded of a line of thinking I firmly believed once upon a time.  And that is when I attempt first to serve the needs of others I am filled in a way that does not require selfish seeking choices.  When those that love me are safe and secure and happy, then more of my liberties are granted.  I think I remember someone blogging before about “freedom within the boundaries.”  Oh ya, that was me!  Maybe the prodigal’s wife can find her way back before she squanders the chances for having everything she already had.  And in the process, perhaps all things great and wonderful will come back to me in threes. 

~Goddess, 10-5-06