Father or Husband
Whenever they hear we are blogging the men generally get a look of uncertainty in their eyes. They are of the opinion that we only blog when we are angry. Not so. Goddess and I blog not only when we are angry, but also when hurt or when the frubbly compersion we feel is bubbling over to the point it needs to be put onto the written page.
Well it just so happens that today, I’m not angry, not hurt, not frubbly even. Just a tad perplexed.
Goddess and I grew up very similarly. Her parents divorced when she was barely in pre-school. She saw her father on occasional holidays and was mostly raised by her mother who still to this day has remained un-married.
I on the other hand was the product of a divorce before I was even born. I didn’t meet my father until I was 9, and then created a relationship with him via short and sporadic visits. My mother led me thru a string of step-fathers and boyfriends, really to many to count, until the point I became bored and disinterested with the process.
Goddess fashioned herself the “good girl” always striving to be perfect, to be worthy of her fathers love, and always feeling she in some way fell short. She was always seeking the approval of her father and few men in her life, willing to mold herself to the situation to be what or who they needed from her.
I on the other hand went the opposite direction. While deep down I truly wanted acceptance and love from my father I gave off the air of independence. Seeking no man’s approval for who I was. After an incident when I was 13 where a man in my life literally held the fate of my life in his hands, I came away from that with an even more firm resolve that I would not be “ruled” or parented by any man. I took any man who tried to have authority over me and instantly discounted them.
Goddess and Big married very young, they like to say they raised each other. Because of Goddess’s need to please, she fell into the role of being a willing and moldable wife to Big. She became used to following his wishes and directives and thereby a pattern was created for them.
Fix and I on the other hand operated differently. Fix became so absorbed in his work that the needs of day to day living fell to me. He was more than willing to place 98% of the household decisions in my hands. This created a partnership between he and I. If I needed his input it was given, yet the ultimate decision was usually mine. I never in our entire marriage felt as if Fix was acting as my Father. I always felt we had a partnership where we made decisions based on who had the experience with the issue.
Now, put Big and I together. He is used to compliance and being the main decision maker. He tends to take a tone of an authoritative father when he expects his wishes to be followed. Many times over the last year he has taken this tone with me. Generally in the scheme of things it is usually such a small request, but when handed to me in his Fatherly tone I tend to go ballistic. I have a father thank you very much, I don’t take that tone from him, and it will be a cold damn day in the underworld before I take it from the other men in my life.
Big and I have an ongoing debate, due to poor customer service he considers Dell to be as heinous as the Devil himself. I on the other hand am against the monopoly created by Bill Gates and his Gateways. This morning in general discussion Big popped off with “I forbid you to by another Dell.”
EXCUSE ME… You WHAT ??!! FORBID ME??? !!!! I don’t flaming think so!
So the question… how do we meld this extreme chasm of differing styles? How can I help him to be a partner – and how can he help me be a team player :?:
