Yes most of goddess post is true. It been hard dealing with the monster sence jan 06 butt the problums we have with the group is the fact thay hold so much back from me and lie to me. It beyand funny. The upsets I get are usuly out of thangs thy don’t inclould me in or. What’s good enought for thim is not good enought for me the swithcing of night schaduls to not leeting me in on inportent info that effect the group to telling me one thang and doing the other. This quid used to be open and shared info freely now I have to pry it out of them thay say if it not my responcablity then why should I know. Well that is a thaught. Does the bills not consern me does the house not cansern me does the group shedule not consern me the plan to go to dinner or sleeping shedule. It all conserns me in a quid setting just like it would in a 2-3 setting info shared is a big part of this life we live to cut out one from the group does effect a ripple. What thy and I do with it matters and when your told and shown that your not part of the the big. Info line or find out days later it does make waves. The walls that are put up to protect them selfs are there from there’s and my bad choces. The ? Is what will thay do and what will I do to breack thim down to get back to what this quid was about. Fix

I live in a family of my choosing. I believe in for better or worse, even if I didn’t take those vows with all of them. But lately I keep asking myself where one draws the line between loving unconditionally and protection of the innocent.

Everything in life seems to be a trade off; every action has a consequence; every attitude a ripple effect. No matter how cautious one approaches decisions, fall out is likely to occur somewhere along the line. The adage that you can’t please all the people all the time is ever so much more true in family situations. Despite the bonds of love and blood, people are still individuals with their own set of scruples, values, and mores.

As for me, I value serenity and harmony. I long for peaceful communion. I think the highest and best calling for anyone is to put those you love ahead of one’s own self. And in as much as selfishness is human nature to some degree, the effort we as people extend to putting that aside in favor of service and edification shows our true character.

Our blogs have been semi silent on the topic of Fix and some of the issues our family is trying to overcome. For the most part I have not written about this subject because I either didn’t have anything to offer, or I couldn’t put any type of positive spin on the situation. Yesterday afternoon he (Fix) walked into my room and asked why it was we (meaning the other three of us) never blog about him. He seemed to feel that all our blogs left him out.

I am probably one of the most non-confrontational persons you’ll ever meet. Confrontation is in direct opposition to my need for calm. For me, the long term negative energies cultivated in attempting to resolve any chronic challenge usually far outweigh the heat of the moment. But at some point, my need for calm is overwhelmed by attack, and my fight or flight response flairs. I call this my switch; it’s the point in which I go from flight to fight. I have rarely hit this switch in my near forty years, but once I flip, I find it hard to go back to the place where my calm resolve is first instinct. This is now the case with me and Fix.

I love Fix very much. He touches places in me untouched by any other. He is one third of my Eros heart. Unfortunately, he also has a lot of past baggage, he has some distorted views on propriety, and he has some very inappropriate ways of expressing his displeasure. As someone I love, he has a protected place in my life. In the same way I do not go about spitefully slandering those I care for, I have been withholding blogs and dealings with him that I felt would cast an unsavory shadow upon his image.

However, so as not to be negligent in that which is asked of me, (“How can you talk only of others and not ever mention me?”) I will endeavor to share with dear readers that which is merely my opinions and feelings concerning Fix, his issues, and our life together.

As long as I’ve known Temptress, I have known of Fix through her. I fell in love with him through her eyes. I saw in him the man she loved. Not until she and I began discussing a quad scenario did I have direct dealings with him in any way.

From the beginning, he had a kind and thoughtful approach that warmed me. His eyes transfix me and could see into my soul things that I never realized. He can be a most tender, yet passionate lover, many times leaving me breathless and spent after our intimate time together. His ability to repair and maintain amazed me, and both Temptress and Big used to tease me about how excited I could become as we sat around dinner hearing him regale us about pipe fusion and conduit systems. The way he would attend to the details of our home made me feel secure and safe.

These positive behaviors extended well past his breakdown in January of 2006. After a week long stay in a local mental health facility, he was diagnosed with severe depression triggered by both long term and short term Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). During the early months of his subsequent therapy, medication adjustments, and behavioral inconsistencies he still maintained his ability to control that “monster within” as he called it. He wrote in his journal daily, he carefully followed doctor’s orders and therapist recommendations. We saw in him a genuine desire to explore the depths of those past issues that haunted him, and we did everything in our power to make life as easy and stress free for him as possible.

Within six months time, he’d changed jobs twice, changed therapists twice, changed medications twice, and no longer wrote in his journal or read his affirmations. Nothing made him happy; no one could do right by him. Temptress was the most frequent target of his cyclic tirades, and we began understanding that his unpredictable and volatile behavior made a most erratic and unpleasant home life. It was up to the three other adults to “cover” the children and shield them as much as possible from his stormy mood swings. Only occasionally did we see glimpses of the man he once was, and that which he claimed he could never recover.

That was over a year ago, and I can say we’ve made only diminutive progress. We have good days and bad days. On a good swing, we can go two, four, or six weeks without so much as a scowl or a cross word, but the longer we go without incident, the more our guard comes down, and the more harsh the cycle feels when it hits. In the words of our therapist we are in the midst of a very “FUBAR” (don’t make me spell that one out) situation that will take “years of counseling to unravel” and make right; as right as possible and it won’t be anywhere near perfection.

The point is we’ve tapped danced around and only alluded to Fix’s issues and the challenges those have created for our family. In our eyes we’ve been trying to protect him from the callousness that can be found when something is discussed in a blog forum. I didn’t want to taint anyone’s opinion of him based on our frustration and hurt feelings. But now I’ve been told he doesn’t want our protection. All he wants is what he “deserves” and what is “rightfully” his. Despite the fact that he hasn’t explained exactly what that is, nor can he tell us what he does want.

He can be a genuinely wonderful guy at times. When all is right in Fix’s world, we laugh together; enjoy watching movies, plan for the future, talk about the children, and what’s going on in the world. There are days I look into his eyes and wonder why I ever doubted the man he is inside.

At other times we get hurtful barbs, glaring stares, and what I refer to as his “exclamation point.” This is when his parting pot shots are accentuated by an action meant to show just how upset he really is at us – the stomping of feet (er, excuse me, “walking hard”), a screeching tire as he drives away, an object hurled in defiance, or the ever popular door slam. He can spend days on end holed up in his room coming out only to take food back to his sanctuary. I feel like he uses our home as a hotel, leaving for work without so much as a goodbye and never knowing what time he’ll return. He says he has neither control over his schedule, nor any options in life. He abdicates any preference he might have, and then complains about how he has no life. He expects he can verbally vomit on us and we’ll go on acting as if everything is as it should be; that no one should feel the unintended emotional strain.

The problem is with every damaging episode, every bad that follows the good, it chips away at our patience. In a home where verbal debates at midnight (or later) can occur without warning, where we never know what might set him off, or how to help him get back on track; we find ourselves feeling like three and one – I am not at all surprised that he feels the same. The difference is he feels we’ve done that TO him. We know he’s done it to himself. What we want is a stable and contributing quad of four; what we sometimes get is a 40 year old male who acts like a floundering pre-adolescent demanding to be treated like an adult.

I don’t think it’s too much to ask for someone, anyone, to treat others with respect. To enter their home in a calm and courteous fashion. To know themselves well enough to communicate their needs and wants in a rational manner. Regardless of one’s personal issues, we can always play nice.

No one wants mental health challenges. No one asks to be born into a dysfunctional family. No one wishes traumatic events upon themselves. And none of us think for a minute he chose these difficulties. But what we do know from being adults ourselves and from our months in therapy is that every day is a new chance, every minute a new choice. Depression causes those choices to look severely limited despite how limitless they really are. I know things are tough for him, everyday. But there are thirteen people in this house that we have to protect. Selfishness is not a disease, it’s a choice. At some point, the good of the many outweigh the needs of the one.

~the laundry goddess, October 22, 2007

this posting has up rooted some hard feelings by tempress on the fax that i am righting in the post and she wants her computter back  to do work on but i know it becouse iam wrighting m feeling on the post like thay have meny times before.. butt i guess its not my site and thay can post there side . butt it has mad upset that iam doing this …  the opl is not as it seems when you only get 3/4 of the story all the time     fix

been a long time sence you all have heard from me  well just doing what i do   work and work a lot.. so whats new   same old same old .  i work and come home and get the brush off  after two days gone.  i got up set  becouse i dont get the time with the quide like i should manley be couse i work away frome home all the time see  the three of thim stay home  .. mr big works for him self so  he can make his own time with them all he wants.  so after i got home i came upstarrs and said hello and told them i was going to take a shower and do my paperwork about 15 mins time  tempress came in at the end of my shower and told me good night there going to bed at not even 900pm i said what no time tonight  she said where tird and we want to go to bed and got the brush off for the night i got upset that i just got home and nobody wanted to take a few minet to talk and let me know what was going on ..then goddess came in to say good night . i said good night and shut my door.   45 minets later ther still up and temperts is in the family room with big between his lags watching tv goddest is down stars in the kitchen   i come out after watching some tv  and said thaught ou all were going to bed ?  in steed we could have talked  i got pisst bye this time/.. the next day i get home after work  same time 830 at night . I went to  my roo m where i stayed the rest of the night .course this was not a good thaing becouse now i am withdrawing from the groupe.. thow i told one of thim that if i dident deserve the time when i got home after two days away. then why would tonight be en differnt. well i slept alone again.  the next day i go too work  we talk on the phone with ok conversations. Temperts  asked when i would be home i told her about an hour. well guese what i get home  thay left 5 min befor ,  then my little miss told me thare going too dinner .   oook   well i geuss iam not invited. i called thay said thay didnt want to be imbaressed bye me.  then that night i found out that some thing very impotent news that would effect the qouid and family   when talk to them thay knew for two days  butt didnot feel that i needed to know at the time this is the second day back from my trip.eny way thay had a dinner .and  i had a emrgency from work that i took little miss with sece she was left home alone ooh by her choseing.  eny how i worked late got home late found a note said didnt know what time you would be back other sleeping arrangments been mad see you in the morning.     ok     now for a while i get the fellings that time to time i am not part of this quad fact its reminded too me in thangs that happen like this that my part is not the same know thay will tell you it is butt becouse i have issues with the not sherring of the info when it comes in or gevin the time to be filled in after a trip.due to the fact that the night i was blown off after i got home from the trip  was the gils night i feel thy should have takin time  with me  and thay sould have respected the shearing of info i thank i have the right to be upset butt thay feel i am being infentile over this whole thang.i have issues like enone else. butt the three of them spend soo much time togater i thank thay take it for granted …

In the course of a normal day, I doubt most people give any thought at all to where they will sleep that night. But for the last several months, it’s been on the forefront of discussions between me and my quad mates.

We’ve had a calm 2 day rotation going for the better part of the last year. The spouse got two nights, and the spice got two nights on an alternating schedule. It isn’t the ideal for all of us, but it was the best solution we could come up with that was acceptable to the group at large. Trouble is, four of the dyads were represented with that arrangement, but one was left out.

Temptress and I have always been relatively demure about our relationship. We’re great friends, yes. We’re fabulous co-Mommies, yes. But the private romantic aspect of our togetherness has been our special connection, something sacrosanct that we neither flaunted nor advertised. We spend time together most days by minding home and children, neglecting to spend that solitary bonding time that supports the foundation of any love.

Most any intimate alone time she and I have ever gotten, has been by chance or happenstance (“HEY!! We have an hour alone.”) Only on rare occasions have we had planned and awaited quality time, until recently. After nearly 20 months under the same roof together, we lobbied for, and were gifted, a once-a-month overnight together in our wonderful room – just the two of us.

Before I go further, let me brag a bit about “our room.” When we found this house and walked its floors the first time, Temptress and I were delighted to discover the master bathroom had two walk-in closets. I’m assuming based on the configurations, they would have been considered his/hers, but knowing we could make do with much less closet space, she and I put into action a plan to have some devoted space of our own. It was only fair – each of the men had their own rooms which they “shared” with the wives, but with a 2 on- 2 off rotation, neither of us could actually lay claim to either of the master bedrooms as our own.

Temptress and I dismantled the closet system, painted the walls, and moved in all of our special treasures. It is a cozy space just big enough for a bookcase, a trunk, a small alter, a broomstick in the corner, and a queen sized mattress which rests on the floor. We hung a canopy from the ceiling, our favorite prints on the walls, and my collection of hand blown witch balls from the tiny window. All of our more personal reading materials are in there, as are sentimental items belonging to our beloved ancestors. We burn candles and incense, and play meditation and nature-scape instrumentals. All those things we had to hear the men complain about for years occupying “their” space, or getting in “their” way as they walked past, now have a home in a cherished and sacred place that T and I refer to as “The Mediation Room.”

We have very strict rules about that space – only she and I are allowed in there. Because of its placement, only a couple of the children even know it exists. And the men come to the door, but do not cross its threshold. Honestly, I’m not sure they could actually stand up straight in there without bumping their heads, but that is not why they stay away. Despite their initial objection to our request that only our two energies reside there, I think they have come to a place of understanding, if not tolerance, of our need for private intimacy and communion. That room has become our safe haven, our place of rest, and of peace.

So after all these months together, Temptress and I not only have a dedicated space to be, but a dedicated time to be there. I think somehow the “you don’t miss what you don’t have” analogy must have applied here, because after only two months of our once-a-month sharing, I suddenly was no longer interested in being “granted” anything. This time I merely stated, “I want once a week.” There was no lobbying, no asking, and no pleading. I had no intentions of making deals or hoping for anyone else’s permission. The only discussion to be had was which particular night was best for everyone.

I can imagine that looks a little selfish by some standards, but it wasn’t the demands of a petulant child. Temptress and I have a relationship within the boundaries of our existing quad, and that relationship deserves some quality time other than Mommy Duty. I simply came to a place where I was comfortable stating that I needed exclusive time with her, and that at the convenience of the other family members, we would be sleeping elsewhere one night a week. I feel that is a totally reasonable desire.

In a perfect world, there would be no backlash for sensible requests. But this is not Vulcan and we are not totally logical creatures. All manner of emotions and insecurities can pop up, even when we don’t want them to; especially in the world of polyamory. So the questions remain: When the needs of two (or three or four) people diverge, who gets the high road, who takes the low road? How do we as people who claim to love and respect one another come to a place of compromise and mutual understanding? And under what conditions is it fully acceptable to put one person’s “must haves” ahead of another’s “can’t handle?”

I’m certain there is no right and wrong across the board. This situation, like everything else in partnerships, must be continually revised until concession is reached. Unless everyone is happy or at the very least bearable of the outcome, we are still working within a win/loose model. Honestly, does anyone really win in those situations? There is no victory when the battle becomes bloody. And any prize won really isn’t a gift at all.

I don’t want to be the person that “wants what she wants” at the expense of someone’s inner child. Nor do I want to be the person constantly resentful that basic needs are allowed to go unmet. So somewhere on the continuum of differing Utopias we need a reality check.

I’m wondering if anyone knows the secret formula for compersion. I’d love to be able to hand it out when people are hurting. When I feel good about where I am and whom I’m with, it’d be nice if I felt like I didn’t have to slay any dragons to get there. But like the princess in the tower, when I fall asleep in the arms of my Temptress, I always have sweet dreams.

~ the laundry goddess, October 15, 2007

Apparently I did not make myself clear in my blog “Bits and Pieces,” so I will try to do so once again.

Do not be taken in by all that you have read. Each blog is an interpretation of feelings and thoughts and events as understood by the author. There are still at least one or more individuals involved. What you read is a two dimensional view. You need to have all of the information and input in order to see the big picture.

Occasionally we get comments on our blog, sometimes we get personal IM’s or emails offering support, criticisms, cyber hugs or worse yet cyber slams.  This morning I awoke to an IM and an email – both of which seem to be the final straws for this camel.

When I discuss my feelings concerning Big’s desire to branch out in his relationships, I hear about being controlling, confining, or not understanding of his needs. Or I hear about how he should understand my feelings and stop treating me like a secondary…  

When Big discusses his feelings about his need for friend-girls, we hear similar comments…  He is whining, being selfish, he should be happy with what “you have.”  Or  that Goddess and I are wrong in our need to uphold the agreed upon poly-fi status, we should see his side.

YADDA YADDA ….. really its always the same….. the commenter’s either support or defend.

I have not hidden my personal spiritual beliefs in my blogs, but in case I was too vague let me spell it out.  I consider myself a Christo-Pagan. And I tend to follow the path of a hedgewitch. ( If you want more info on what exactly that means, that info is for another blog) That said… I was truly appalled that a member of not only the poly community, but one who professes to “harm none,” left an IM for me to find this morning that said that I was being mean and confining to Big and that he should find a Pagan who would do a banishing spell on me for him.

On the other hand, I have received two emails, one from someone I have corresponded with off and on since June and another from a person whom I only know from seeing his moniker in poly email groups. Both emails have been along the same vein, with permission from “W” I copied a portion of his email below…..

“Wow ,umm how old is Mr. Big? He says he tosses and turns when he sleeps alone on the girls nights? I am assuming you ladies are still in the house, not at a hotel somewhere. Really from all I have read I only see a lot of woe is me from him. You ladies seem to love him very much and love each other, and his comments in his last paragraph seem like digs to you, poking at you to make you feel guilt for wanting time to yourselves. That seems very selfish on his part.” 

Thank you for your thoughts “W”….. I sincerely hope that Big was just stating his feelings and not actually speaking with the intent of causing hurt or guilty feelings on our part.

In that vein, I thank each and every one of you for your thoughts and comments, they are read, they are discussed, and occasionally they cause a change in course for a way of thinking one or more of us may have had. The mean spirited comments however, we could do without, but know that we understand everyone has the freedom of speech. We will respect your right to it, as long as you respect our right to ignore it (or laugh about it over dinner).

And for those of you who think that reaching out to ONE of us via email, IM etc and offering a supportive ear and an even more supportive voice in hopes of gaining a position; understand this…  We are a committed quad, we love each other, we plan to stay together, raise these 9 children to adulthood and honor the promises made to each other. Do not think you can get to one without going thru the others. We are honest people, we tell each other of the contacts we have made, we do not hide our friendships or conversations with outsiders from the other quad members.

I am always on the look out for a like minded friend, so if you are thinking in that vein feel free to drop me a line. If you are looking to “take my side” in hopes to lure me into more than friendship, please don’t bother.

Those that I love, I love fiercely and deeply in ways indescribable in written form. The two men and the woman in my life fill me to completion. I have no desire for any other “deeply emotional” relationships nor other sexual relationships. And honestly, with a business to tend, 9 children to raise and 3 loves in my life, I have no real time left to offer a relationship such as those without taking time from my family. Friends, however, I am always on the lookout for, especially those that are willing to be friends of us all. Because quite simply, I am not a single… I am a package deal, as are we all.

~Temptress

I’ll get back to the title in a few minutes. I need to lay some groundwork first. At the suggestion of our Poly family counselor, each member of the OPL quad is taking a personality test. I’ve taken many in the past and like finding out why people act and react so differently to life in general. This test, http://www.kisa.ca/personality/ , breaks things down more than most of the models I’ve studied before. Where most test show strengths and weaknesses, I found that this test tends to dwell more on you’re soft spots. If you want to make me feel bad about myself, memorizing their description and parroting it back to me will get the job done. I am an ENTP http://typelogic.com/entp.html . Allow me to share a few of my favorite painful daggers.

“They tend to have a perverse sense of humor as well, and enjoy playing devil’s advocate… on occasion; however, they manage to outsmart themselves and are known to cut corners without regard to the rules if it’s expedient — or simply in the collapse of an over-ambitious juggling act…very fond of “toys”, the more sophisticated the better. They tend to tire of these quickly … tend to become extremely petulant about small setbacks and inconveniences. (Major setbacks they tend to regard as challenges, and tackle with determination.) … ENTPs have little patience with those they consider wrongheaded or unintelligent, and show little restraint in demonstrating this. ENTPs are also good at acquiring friends who are as clever and entertaining as they are. Aside from those two areas, ENTPs tend to be oblivious of the rest of humanity, except as an audience — good, bad, or potential.”

Ouch! But if you know me, you’ll see all of these traits within me. Go take your own test and get a little beat up yourself before you judge me too harshly. The cornerless, overly ambitious juggling act fairly describes any past business failures. I keep trying to surround myself with others who can keep my creations afloat once I give them birth. My appreciation to those of you around me in that thankless task currently. The pebbles in my shoes definitely cause me more grief than the boulders falling from the cliffs above.

Most of the other jabs affect relationships. I’m told that I approach new relationships much like the “toys” above. Huge energy is expended while they are new and shiny but I tire of them quickly and begin looking for the next new and shiny thing to play with. I don’t toss them away at that point or anything, but the roles played change and settle in. Woody was worried about Buzz one year, then the two were best friends worried about the new puppy the next. By the next movie, the puppy was part of the clan and they were off on an adventure together. I would rather be a friend than a “new and shiny” forever. I think it is some subconscious need to keep finding new audiences and new friends (each new friend starts as a “new and shiny”). I do like others who are clever and entertaining. We can take turns being each other’s audience. If you are not clever or entertaining, you don’t need a turn on stage. Don’t fret; we need people to clap and cheer desperately.

I thought that a look into my warped psyche might be a good lead into the ongoing quad battle of friend-girls. It got bad enough last week that I went to talk to the therapist alone about it. There’s something about a 2353 word blog written through tears of pain caused by yours truly that sends me running for her couch. After talking about this need I have for a close friend outside the quad, the therapist’s recommendation was to find a lesbian. My thought as I was leaving her office was that practically every woman I know seems to be heading that direction depending on just how much crap they have had to take off of ol’ what’s-his-face. On the flipside, I loved a comedians line about “no matter how good looking she is when you meet her, remember that there is some guy somewhere that just couldn’t put up with her sh*t for another day.” (Another good thing about being in the audience is that it gives you great material for the next time you are back up on stage.)

Are there such things as pure lesbians that can still be friends with guys? Sort of a reverse “Will and Grace”. Are all true lesbians just that sick of putting up with enough crap from enough guys that they have just sworn off the whole gender all together? I sort of understand the “fall in love with the person, not the body parts” mentality, but I can’t imagine feeling that way personally. No guy has ever looked appealing to me at all physically beyond a “cool, I wish mine looked like that” kind of way. I guess there could be some women who feel the same way about men out there somewhere.

Both women in my life have issues with friend-girls for different reasons. LG seems more afraid that I will stray physically while Temptress seems more concerned with me bonding so strongly that it will bump her out of my heart. They both liked the idea of a lesbian friend-girl though. It seems that such an elusive creature does not pose such threats, so I have an opening. If you know of any currently living in the Southeastern US, please alert me immediately. I have two lovers and am not willing to take on another at this point in life. I’m looking for a close friend to be able to talk about all of the insanity brought on by “our poly life”. I still like the Moonlighting/ Bruce Willis/ Cybil Shepard model. Sexual tension without sex really made the show what it was. The few women who have seemed to fit that mold pulled back rather abruptly when they got around Temptress and LG. Maybe I misread the original intentions, maybe my “new and shiny” wore off and I got sent out into the audience, and just maybe they realized that they would have to back down to just a friend of the entire quad to have the acceptance of the women in my life. Both can make their concerns known very quickly when any threat is perceived.

Guys don’t seem to bond in the same way. They aren’t as vocal, vulnerable, or open. I’m not any different with other guys myself. There are some roles that other guys just can’t play in my life. A post on the PSE list yesterday mentioned joining Paradise Valley Resort, a clothing optional resort in Dawsonville north of Atlanta. The idea intrigues me. I would like to spend some time in an environment where nudity becomes comfortable and is not looked at strictly as sexual. Laundry Goddess has no interest in being in such a place. Temptress has agreed to go “one day” but I am not sure if it is of interest to her or if she would be going out of fear of me meeting naked “new and shinys”. I could probably drag Fix or Firegod to such a place, but I’m sure we would be looked at a little funny and I don’t want to look at their hairy butts all day. In my imagination, my lesbian friend-girl would like to go as well and would have the blessing of my lovers.

Sleeping schedules has also created issues since day one. I hate sleeping alone. It feels like I’m being excluded and sent away. I got to a point two weeks ago where I realized I had become one of the whiney little kids pulling on LG’s apron strings begging for more attention. The women have been asking for nights alone and I have agreed to try a night a week by myself. I of course have the option of sleeping with the children or Fix if it bothers me that much but no thanks. If I don’t want to see his hairy butt, I definitely don’t want to spoon with it. I stay up late watching TV to avoid going to bed alone and then toss and turn the other half of the night. I do OK when I’m away by choice, but feeling abandoned and kicked out while not being allowed to have others in my life that might fill those holes, pains me. Maybe my imaginary lesbian friend-girl will be allowed to stay over, watch movies, and fall asleep on the couch with me. And maybe while I’m dreaming I should ask for a pony too.
~Mr. Big
4 OCT 07