If i can see thangs the way thy see then i will be at a better place in me the quiston is if i see what thy want then can thay see what i want. Fix

Does it make me wrong to see thangs differnt then most. My view of thangs are different then others. The point is does what i see make a differnce too others. And can thay see my side too and can thay make a differance. Fix

As usual on Christmas Day, I was up before daybreak. Being a morning person by nature, I laid awake for nearly an hour listening to the children try to be quiet with their stockings before my nervous energy got the best of me. I finally crawled quietly out of bed and put on my festive dress for the day, even primping the hair and make up, which is something I rarely do without cause.

Fix was supposed to spend the day with us, and I was very much looking forward to having him here with our family for this day. Knowing his sleeping patterns are similar to my own, I figured he would be here early and I was right. The doorbell rang at 7am sharp. The kids all ran to the front foyer excited to see him. He was surrounded with small arms and greeted with sweet affection. I stood on the stair landing watching with much delight.

I miss Fix, so I love having him come by the house. I love who he is when he is balanced and steady. Especially on a special day like Christmas, I was hoping he’d want to stay all day. Instead he was with us for Santa time and presents then abruptly gone with a quiet, “thanks for having me,” by 10 am. He left both women and a few of the children in tears wondering exactly what we’d done this time to drive him away so quickly.

He has said he feels like a guest here, and thusly feels uncomfortable when he is here. I can understand that point of view, but I see it much differently. Feeling disconnected in our particular situation is expected, but there are so many ways to overcome that feeling. I feel like he keeps us at arms length to further punish us for asking him to seek help outside our home.

Fix is generally so uncommunicative, I find myself projecting what he might/should/must be feeling from day to day. Unfortunately, I have only two things to base my judgments; that is my own feelings (certainly not akin to many of his) and my experience of knowing him intimately for the last two years (also another unreliable source for interpreting his moods.)

Maybe my problem is I feel as if I shouldn’t be forced to interpret for another adult. I resent the amount of energy I have to spend deciphering and dealing with the mood fluxes in our home. I want others around me to tell me what they are thinking and feeling and why; I expect them to speak their truths to me. I just don’t believe this is something Fix is able to do at this point.

The trouble is every negative mood and emotional situation seems to manifest itself as anger. Whether he is sad, depressed, hurt, mad, confused, frustrated, feels deceived or betrayed – no matter the real emotion, he behaves in a hostile manner. Situations are good or bad with him; all black and white, with very little gray. I know some of this is coded within him from his upbringing, some is basic personality, and some is the PTSD and depression festering its way to the reoccurring boil over point.

We want Fix healthy, happy, and whole; and eventually, home. To accomplish that will take more than a few visits without incidence. We’ve collected information, found him apartments, and located therapists. What we need him to do is make a phone call, set some appointments, and follow through. We’re not looking for perfection, just a consistent and valiant effort.

What we’re afraid is he’ll take the easy way out – do nothing and just let us slip away with nothing more than angry words of blame and repugnance. And that is what hurts the most. People tend to spend their time and money on what is important to them. So don’t speak to me of your plight or intentions, just show me your checkbook and your calendar and I know volumes. Lots of people work long work weeks and still manage to have a full life. It just comes down to making choices instead of making excuses.

Doesn’t he see how much we love him? Doesn’t he see how his enduring misery affects all of us? Doesn’t he see how much his antagonistic words and actions hurt us? At any time is he able to realize he has responsibilities for his behavior? Or does it all boil down to how we’ve hurt him, how victimized he is, or how much we are to blame for his woes? What changes must transpire inside a person to allow them to comprehend the perspective of another?

I can see both sides of the struggle; the challenge now is how to illuminate fair accountability through the therapeutic reconciliation process and bring our family back together in peace and harmony. But maybe that is a vision only I see.

~the laundry goddess, December 26, 2007

Over these last weeks since Fix has left our home, I have been resolutely silent. I am not certain why. Maybe it was because I felt I had said everything I needed in previous blogs. Maybe I hoped my silence would buy peace, maybe it was best to not air that particular “dirty laundry”. But, really all my silence did was allow questions to be formulated and keep things rolling around in my head until I felt like it would explode.

I have had to make many difficult decisions throughout my life. I think I can say for the most part, the choices made were generally the correct ones.
I was recently however faced with a decision where there was no right or wrong. No correct decision. All paths led to heart ache, strife, emotional wounds, and guilt.
Sounds like an odd combination, but in truth that is exactly what has been laid upon my shoulders. And the most difficult part of it all is that while those around me can offer thoughts and advice and be my support system the final decision was one that I alone had to make. It took every ounce of strength I had, but I came to the very difficult decision that Fix and I needed to separate for awhile.

We all make promises, some are made lightly, like promising to not eat the last 3 chocolate chip cookies on the plate. Others are more monumental, such as promising to care for a friends children in case of their demise. All promises are important, but I think those made in love are the ones that should never be made unless you plan to live up to that promise in full, not just the spirit of it.

I have given promises of love and commitment to Fix, Goddess and Big. It is my intention to stand by each and every one of them. Some of the promises made to Fix however were ones made in the form of matrimonial vows. For the last almost 17 years I have taken those vows seriously and I have meant each and every word of them. The last two years I feel with Fix’s consent and acceptance that I have continued to be true to those vows while living in a polyamorous relationship.

Between mid-July and Christmas of 2006 issues with Fix and his inability to control his anger, both physically and verbally, came to a point where I began to question whether or not remaining together was what was best for all of us.

Then for a period of a few weeks he calmed down and we had several weeks of calm and peace and almost normal behavior. Then something minor set him off again and we spent weeks with him thundering around, staying holed up in the bedroom watching TV and coming out only for meals and work. Then he would calm down and peace would reign once more. Thus began a roller coaster that kept us all on edge for the next 11 months.

Goddess has detailed in previous blogs some of the troubles we have been having, so I won’t re-hash them again here. But I will say that the toll being taken on our family has now reached our children. That’s not to say they had not been affected over these last months, but now they are beginning to manifest behaviors we can see. Such as preferring to spend time away at grandparents rather than home, scattering like roaches when Fix walks in the door and generally avoiding him, just to name a few.

A term had been introduced to us that we felt the need to look into. Therapeutic Separation. We took this idea to our therapist and she began to call the idea an “intervention”. I finally felt I had reached the end of my rope, I was torn, I found myself deeply in love with someone I felt I could no longer live with.

With Goddess’s help a list was formulated that detailed what I needed Fix to do for us to reconcile. The initial plane was that we would all come together at the therapist’s office and tell Fix I had come to the end of my ability to cope and we needed serious and immediate change. We intended to suggest that he move out for 3 to 6 months and take time for himself to work on my list of “requirements”. Unfortunately, that is not how things worked out.

Several days before the appointment Fix found a reason to end the good mood he had been in and once again took us on a trip on the low end of the roller coaster where anger and explosive behavior was the norm. After a few days of this I found myself Sunday night ( 4 days before Thanksgiving), once again embroiled in an argument where Fix could and would see no reason. And before I could stop myself I blurted it out… I told him my intentions, that I could no longer continue like this and wanted him to leave for a time. Things got pretty ugly, he left for the night and the following day ranted and raved over numerous phone calls he made to me. Finally he advised me that our therapist wished to see us together that night and I was to be there.

I won’t recount everything, but I will say the appt. did not go well. He ended up storming out and going back to the house to gather his belongings. The following 7 days were nothing short of hell for many reasons.

Now here we are 4 weeks later. Just like when he was here daily, we have a roller coaster of good days and bad. He can go days being wonderful, just like the man I know him to be in my memories, telling us how he is trying and he wants this to work and he will do whatever it takes and then one thing will happen that will set him off into a rage and we endure phone call after phone call of yelling, berating, being hung up on and his general nasty disposition.

Christmas is in less than 36 hours away. December is a special time of year for us. Our relationship and wedding is something made from fairy tales, love at first site as most people like to say. We met ( over the over the phone, 2 states away) on the 3rd, he proposed on the 5th we met face to face on Christmas eve and married the 28th. .

Friday is our 17th wedding anniversary, this is not the way I wanted things to be for us. Two years ago for our 15th anniversary we stood on a sunny beach in FL with Big and Goddess, our children and friends by our side as we renewed our wedding vows and prepared for a new life as a combined family. I had wonderful hopes for what lay ahead of us. I had no idea that in two short weeks Fix would have a nervous breakdown and our lives would be turned topsy turvy. Over the last twenty two months since Fix had his nervous breakdown our quad has had to learn about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
(PTSD), depression, and recovery. It has been a very long road and we are no way near the end of it. In fact I believe in many ways we are still at the beginning.
I want this to work for us, I want Fix to be whole, happy and healed. I hope that over the next several months we can all work together to help him achieve those things.

I love him, I need him, I want him home with us where he belongs.

Temptress ~ 12.23.07

Its funny how its so easy for some titles of one can give the whole outlook on a person even if you don’t know them. Hi am a monster. A asshole. A son of a bitch a basterd. A two face lire. Just remimber there are always two sides of a story. And two sides of feelings. And two sides of what right and wrong.

Fix

I’m finally getting all of the ‘06′ blogs up today…..

Temptress

The other morning I had the privilege to make love to the woman I love. I woke up with her beside me, the sun was shining in the window, her hair was flowing across the pillow, and her soft skin was pressed against my bare chest. I looked over at her and I was so overwhelmed with love and gratitude the emotions overtook me.

I can’t explain the tie I have with Temptress, even I don’t understand it. She is my best friend. We can finish each other’s sentences. I feel so connected to her that my heart beats faster when she stands close to me. Even after two years of having her around on a daily basis, I still find myself catching my breath when I notice her across the room or catch her smiling at me. And when I make love to her, it isn’t about me, it’s all about her.

I haven’t had a lot of sexual experience as far as raw numbers goes. I was a virgin when I met Big, and with the exception of Fix and Temptress, there has only been one other lover in my past. Because of this, I don’t consider myself much of an expert, more of a hobbyist. But it’s a hobby I thoroughly enjoy, so I work pretty hard to make myself a student of the person with whom I’m with.

Maybe the most important thing I can say about making love to Temptress is that I simply love the process. She fills my senses, she invades my entire being; I cannot ever get enough of her. When I have the opportunity to be near her, to touch her, to seduce her, all I want is to please her. My goal is to make her feel special, not to get her off. And I find when I am focused on the progression of each sensation, it seems to be ever so much more satisfying for both of us than when I am concerned with the outcome.

As I ran through the content of this blog in my head, I thought about all the things that make Temptress so easy to love. I thought about her warm smile, her laughing eyes, and her precious giggle. Then I thought about all the things that I enjoy: running my fingers along her spine, softly kissing the nape of her neck, encircling her breasts with my tongue. But the idea of exposing the inner sanctity of what the two of us share is beyond any words.

Some might argue that there is an innate understanding between lovers of the same sex; that pleasuring another made so like oneself is more easily understood. I’m not willing to rule that out as a theory. I cannot speak for others, but I am certain I was just as nervous and inexperienced with each of my new lovers, regardless of their sex. Maybe it is a result of Hollywood or the countless media interpretations of what romance is supposed to be, but I think I was more confident with the men. Each relationship had to develop on its own; each dyad and triad coming to settle into a symbiosis that worked for each of the partners.

I cannot explain the fullness I feel when I have the opportunity to spend time with Temptress. It never feels like mere sex. What happens between us when we are alone transcends the physical realm. I am allowed inside the heart and soul of a creature so enchanting, that I am humbled by the fortune to be trusted by her. I respect that privilege with reverence. It’s not only a bonding experience or a time of mutual pleasure, my intimate moments with her are more like sacred acts. I consider it an honor above all others.

~the laundry goddess, December 17, 2007

A few months ago our quad headed out to a local poly meet and greet. We expected a larger crowd than normal due to a piggyback group meeting together with our normally smallish crowd. In fact, there were so many more people in attendance I was slightly overwhelmed.

We arrived after most of the others were sitting down, so as a wallflower will, I slid into a tight corner, followed by Temptress and Fix. Big, of course, chose to play social butterfly and flit about the restaurant. Occasionally I’m glad he’s the one so unwilling to accept what is handed him, as this time he stumbled upon a quite delightful discovery.

I don’t believe in coincidence. This blog’s title is merely there for the irony. I firmly trust that sooner or later, all is as it should be. Some call it fate, or destiny, or providence. Whatever you may choose to call it, we met some wonderful people that day that have come to be very important to us.

During the meeting that day, Big introduced the rest of us to a triad he had just met. We were thrilled to meet them and they seemed genuinely pleased to meet us as well. As it turned out, this group had been on our site, had read our blogs, and lived a mere 2 miles from us.

The seven of us sat talking for what seemed like hours after the rest of the group had dissipated. One of our new friends kept saying, “now tell us again the story about the time when you…” It was a bit on the freaky/neat side to have someone we had just met know so much about us. Perhaps that is one side of our very public forum that I had not really taken into consideration in the past. But for whatever reason, we all seemed to click.

Before we parted, we did the “let’s trade numbers” thing and promised to get together soon. We’ve done that part a lot, but since we aren’t easily detached from our gaggle of children, I wasn’t too sure we would be able to follow through on that agreement. But within the month, they were sitting with their children in our living room.

We had a great first full family gathering. With burgers and dogs and a wonderful couple of grill masters, we feasted with new friends. Our kids seemed to do quite well together, and we had fantastic conversation. And of course, they were invited back.

In our partially closeted life, there are not many people with whom we can truly be ourselves. Either people don’t know, and we have to be ever so careful; or people do know, but aren’t too supportive, then we have to be even more careful. But to find friends with whom we can just relax and BE together is wonderful. We have a small handful.

In the months since, Temptress and I have had some girl time with the other two ladies. We’ve had a chance to recount a lot of stories and get to know them better. We have discovered so much in common. Not just in our alternate lifestyle choices, but also in our histories and personal experiences. I even share a name and a birthday with one of them! Now how cool is that?

After Fix moved out, they called us immediately. They offered love and support. They asked us what they could do to help. They gave us hugs. They brought us fudge! It has been so amazing to have these new friends, so close, and so connected.

Tonight Temptress and I managed a few hours out of the house. Alone. And not during school hours. We called up our friends and arranged to go hang with them over some nibbles and a glass of wine. It was only a couple of hours, but it was a very nice and needed sanity break. We talk so easily; there is rarely a quiet moment. In fact, it seems we are all four so eager we usually find ourselves tripping over each other in conversation.

On the drive home T and I chatted about the serendipities we’ve discovered through our new relationships. I can sit on the sofa next to my Temptress, I can hold her hand and run my fingers through her hair. She can gaze longingly into my eyes, and if we feel so led, we are free to enjoy a sweet kiss. These ladies understand us, our life, and the challenges we are facing. They have a few more years of poly experience under their belts. And it’s nice to hear them say, “We’ve been there, we know how you feel, and we’re pulling for you.”

Coincidence? No way. I’m calling it Divine Providence.

~the laundry goddess, December 5, 2007

About a month ago our Little Miss (age 13) had podiatry surgery. It wasn’t a major undertaking as procedures go, but still important that it go well. As Temptress and LM14 drove out of the driveway at twilight with our pre-operative patient, I was left in the middle of the driveway with a highly agitated Fix. He was supposed to go with them. He had taken the day off work. Then at the 11th hour there was a debate over what was in the best interest of the girl.

Without going into a lot of detail, I will try and be brief when recounting that LM13 was uncomfortable at the possibility that Fix would be in a less than jovial frame of mind. And she was right. All her concerns about his potential behavior were proven correct before they even got out of the driveway. The main difference this time is that in addition to Temptress and myself, his anger and hostility was aimed at the vulnerable daughter on her way to the surgical suite.

There have been times in the past two years when Fix has had altercations with Young Man (now age 15), some of which have turned physical. For the most part, the adolescent is guilty of belligerence and this puffed up “You think I’m afraid of you?” rebellion. But Fix has been equally guilty of playing the domineering father role; which comes quite easy for him with his towering posture and his icy expressions. But it usually ended there and rarely did he reign that countenance upon the girls or the younger children.

I can say for certain that his ugly display of over stimulated super-ego frightened both young ladies that morning, and it didn’t settle well with Temptress or me. It’s understandable, albeit not tolerable, for his anger to fester and explode upon the adults, but to be so out of control or unconcerned for the children’s psyche that he would not hold his diatribe for more suitable audiences was, for me, a final indicator that his internal challenges had come to a place where our family was not detached from the demons he fights.

As a self-proclaimed peacemaker personality, I zoomed in on LM 14 once they arrived home from surgery later in the day. I asked her how she thought LM13 handled the incident from the morning. Her reply to me was, “She didn’t cry too long. And I think she’s ok. We’ve both been in ‘evac mode’ for a while now.”

I sat still on that bed for a moment or two totally absorbing the depth of that statement. Then I asked the fateful question. “What exactly is Evac Mode, hon?”

“Evac Mode is the code we [the two older girls] use when things in the house get too heated and we have to shuttle the younger kids out of earshot or tuck them away for safekeeping,” she said plainly.

Now I admit there have been a few times when the adolescent and his father were sparring that we had asked the girls to take the young ones downstairs or outside for distraction, but it was not anything we ever ask them to do on any type of ongoing basis. And apparently, Evac Mode was something they came up with on their own, not only with YM15 was involved, but as a precaution anytime there were intense interchanges.

I grew up in a peaceful household. Big says that is simply a product of the single mother-only child situation, but I know it goes beyond our personal household and extended into both sides of my ancestry. Never in my entire life prior to two years ago had I ever witnessed the verbal tearing down of ones professed to love. I’m told that is “not how most of America lives,” so if you want to say I’ve been spoiled in that regard I can accept that opinion.

I must say, however, that peaceful conflict resolution has become a standard for me, something I’m not willing to negotiate. To me, how you treat others is a sign of respect, not just for the other, but for yourself as well. This time however, it isn’t about me. It isn’t about my principles for personal relationships. This time the issue slides right up underneath my Mommy Armour and just shakes the core of what I think protective parenting is all about.

As I think back about that morning, all I can remember is the look on the faces of those two girls. The fact that children felt so insecure about the stability and harmony in our home that they took it upon themselves to come up with a premeditated path to safety “just in case” is absolutely telling about how the children feel about the course their life has taken.

As much as I love Fix and as much as I want our lives together to work, it absolutely cannot be the way it has been. Under no circumstances do I want my children living in fear in their own home. The yelling and stomping and slamming of doors must stop. The loud and purposeful retorts within the sound of small ears must be controlled. And the ability to take responsibility for one’s actions without throwing blame towards the justification of poor behavior has to be paramount.

I know there are things we all need to work on and change, but a lot of the change will fall on the shoulders of Fix. I hope for all our sakes he is willing to make the effort and that our family is worth all the work and difficult choices that it will take to make our home safe and secure. It is what our children deserve.

Evacuations should be practiced for fire drills and hurricanes, not families.

the laundry goddess, November 30, 2007