Funny how now its about choices that has been made and how thy affect time. You make one choice and it affect another. Iam called a monster. At times but realy. I make choices like everone else does. I went on. A trip bye the choices we made togather and came back and made choices to open are lifes. To move to join and to live but I did not want our lives to be torn apart by monsters from the past but also from the present choices been made by the fly and in hast with anger hurtfull unconsern for the future butt what we do now seems to have little effect on the future. The past is aplace that will fallow behind you and is always there the future is a place to look foward too the present is now. Now is the hardest for it shaps the furure the past is unchangable. I get blammed for liveing in the past but get told a monster in the now. I am not the only one who made choices on our lifes but to be the only one to take blame is not the way we all are to blame. But I paid the price no I thank not. I thank the price is paid too all. In one way or another we will all pay for it.Q. How do you live with the choices and how do you forgive the choices that we made togather and on our own. That what you choese is what we need to live with. How do you make it right defines who you are. Fix

Like a wounded animal it strikes

Hungry claws intend to injure or maim

Out of fear it propels the toxin called vengeance

Malicious fangs tear at the place where love lives

Thinking nothing of anything but itself

Hoping to leave a wound, glad to see its mark

Unleashing venom born of bitterness and spite

Recoiling not from remorse, but exhaustion

Bloody and torn the heart hardens its defenses

Pushing care and kindness further towards the dark recesses of the soul

Brokenness embodies a shallow dwelling

And its name is pain.

~ the laundry goddess, January 21, 2008

Anyone that expects a marriage to be the same at 15 years as it was at 1, or 2 or 5 will be in for a rude awakening.
I am honest enough to admit that in some ways I was under that delusion.
When I married Fix it was a true love at first site story. We met and married in the short space of 28 days. We spent 15 years loving and laughing, raising our children, and standing shoulder to shoulder against the world. Always finding some way to keep afloat and navigate the stormy seas of life. One day I looked up and realized something had changed and my husband was fighting something internally, he was in a place inside himself I could not go. I put more energy into making our home calm and peaceful, helping it to be a place he wanted come to not run away from. Several years after that I looked up once more and realized I was exhausted, the effort it took to make life “just so” for him had caused me to lose myself, who I was and what I wanted.

Looking back on my life now I can see I have always been the strong one, the one my mother leaned on when marriage after marriage ended, when she needed a co parent for my younger brother, when she needed a best friend to lean on. Somewhere inside of me I must have secretly vowed to never repeat her mistakes, to do whatever it took to make my life as normal as possible, to provide my children with stability and father who would not leave and to not burden them with a string of “uncles” and step-fathers.

I can see now I made mistakes in my marriage, I tried to hard to make things perfect, I protected him from to much, when I tried to keep him unburdened with the daily hassles of life, when he offered me the control of the majority of decision making, I took it. I have always been a fixer, a placater, a peacemaker. I guess I just wanted things to be perfect so he would never find fault and leave. In so doing, I messed up…. Sometimes I messed up A LOT.

In ‘05’ I realized I lost myself and in my journey to figure out who I really was I began ot change in a way that unsettled my husband, then the hurricanes came.. he went away to help people rebuild their lives and came home to his own that no longer looked the same.
His nervous breakdown in January of ‘06’ tore down his walls, the demons that I knew nothing of from his childhood, he could not longer contain, the horrors of Katrina and Rita and Wilma were more than he could emotionally deal with. I know he saw things during his time away from us that I may never be able to fathom.

The first 6 months after his breakdown were almost magical, he journaled, he was in therapy , his meds were working as they should and we all settled into life as quad. I can almost say that time was blissful. And then he began to change, his anger and his outburst became more sever and more often. My tolerance and patience for that behavior grew smaller and smaller. I had finally reached a place in my life where I knew who I was and what I wanted and I knew that I could no longer “protect” him.. in fact he came to resent the fact that I had.

I think what it comes down to is that we are both different people now than we were 17 years ago, we both still have similar goals, we both still love each and want to spend the rest of our lives together and we both have issues from our past and our present to work thru. This will not happen over night….. but if we work hard enough and realize this is not a quick fix I am hopeful that in time we can mend what is broke and come back together stronger, better, and more real than before.

So to answer the questions we have been asked…. Fix is not “out” for good. And the quad has no intentions to “break-up”

Yes things are difficult right now, we are all working thru the problems. Fix is participating in specialized therapy to help him with his anger issues, depression and PTSD, all 4 of us also see a therapist to work on the remaining issues.

In time Fix and I will see the therapist jointly and when she deems us all ready, then we will put our family back together under one roof. It is important for everyone to understand that we are not “separated” in the usual meaning. This is what is called a “therapeutic separation” and guidelines and estimated timelines were created and we are working together towards the common goal of re-unification.

Temptress

 “You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race

down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace

and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,

headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…  

 … for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to goor a bus to come,

or a plane to goor the mail to come,

or the rain to goor the phone to ring,

or the snow to snowor waiting around for a Yes or No

or waiting for their hair to grow.Everyone is just waiting.            

~Oh, The Places You’ll Go!  By: Dr. Seuss 

I love Dr. Seuss.  In my estimation, he is one of the most articulate philosophers of our time.  Granted, he doesn’t present his material in a traditional manner, but it’s good for the psyche to hear meditative ideas with a twist.  Gives each of us a chance to discover our own “’ah-ha’s.”

Recently I’ve been thinking about how we as a people spend our time.  We all have the same 24 hours in a day.  No one has a magic formula for stockpiling our wasted time and using it another day.  What we do with that period of time with which we’re gifted each day says a lot about our values and priorities.

The good doctor is right about how confusion can waylay us on the road of good intentions.  There are days when I want to do, mean to do certain things, but the eternal struggle between vital and urgent seems to always play a part.  It is vital that I spend time reading and snuggling with my children, but it’s urgent that we have food in the pantry and meals on the table.  Because of that, grocery shopping sometimes takes priority over afternoon reading, or doing the dishes overrides lazy evening cuddle sessions.  Where I spend my time, doing what, and with whom is always my choice.  Despite my best intentions, I don’t always use my time in a manner that leaves me feeling beneficial to those around me. 

Everyone has requirements on their schedules.  Everyone has commitments that take time, or have certain hours involved.  Jobs, relationships, and health are all areas that demand we give them attention.  Without a good balance of work and play, not only are we left feeling one sided, but the disproportionate energies that remain unused can cause terrible consequences down the line.

Brooding, arguing, and blaming are all negative ways to spend our time.  Those bad habits accomplish nothing except to harden our hearts and feed our brain an overdose of hostility.  Harboring negativity literally eats away at us, causes downward spirals in our health and mental well being, and temporarily increases blood pressure and gut wrenching stomach acid.

How many articles have I read that sited the effect of stress on our health?  How many times do you hear people near death regret the time they spent on the job instead of making memories with the people that matter most?  When is the last time anyone remembers feeling really good about the way they spent their day?  When is the last time you remember falling asleep with a smile thinking about the relationships nurtured that day?

Time is a gift.  Time is opportunity.  What we do with our time is the quintessential example of, “What you do speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you say.”  We are defined by what we do and how we handle ourselves.  So what better can we do as a new year begins than be absolutely resolute to live on purpose?

Living proactively is a daily decision.  I am determined to not let a day go by without saying “I love you” or “thank you” or “I’m proud of you” or “I’m sorry” when the opportunity arises.  I want to look into the eyes of my children everyday and know I’ve been the very best mommy I can for them.  I need to rest assured that in every way I acted respectfully to those around me.  I want to fall asleep every night feeling that I have put my best foot forward in every interaction.

It is a tall order.  I don’t expect to succeed every day in every way.  I don’t predict perfection.  All I want is to aim high, so when I fall short, I am still satisfied with my performance.  I have to be able to look myself in the mirror and know in my heart that the people I care about most be recognize I’ve exhausted myself and the resources at my disposal to make their world a better place.

~the laundry goddess, January 14, 2008

 They say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.  ~Andy Warhol, American Pop Artist 

Time I have only just a minute. Only sixty seconds in it. Forced upon me, can’t refuse it. Didn’t seek it, didn’t choose it. But it’s up to me to use it. I must suffer if I lose it. Give account if I abuse it, Just a tiny little minute but eternity is in it.  ~  Christine Warren, Novelist

Ok but it not about putting up and putting down post its about telling.the ups and downs. Not dirty loundry but the good and bad. Sence I have been ask to leave the home I have been left to dry out. Thangs happen. I don’t find out till later or when thy see fit to tell. Life goes on for them. Seeing frinds and going out. If I call half the time thay don’t have time to talk or seems iam inter upting there time. Like I know there min too min going ons. Like not telling me about partys thay throw and events. Iam not part of day to tay and if I ask I don’t get told the truth. I have to guess what’s going on and when one persons yelling ” iam doing thisbecouse this is what you want” yes iam not there. Or part of the home right now but when thangs happen and get told iam not part of this and mager choices are bing made with out me it clear thangs are bing made with out me and not being aloud to be a father or husben make for big feelings and the hope to be back look farther and farther away If not at all when I left I gave up not only a home but a big part of my life so s trying to fit in and not seeing peaple and new and old friends not only hurts but lonely. Thy still have each other and there groupes of friends and family life goes on. My life is trying to hold on to what left and learn new ways to deal with what not aloud at this time and learn new ways to deal with feelings that get out of control but to see blogs posted and un posted says to me that there are thangs to hide and not to talk about in fear of the truth. Coming out. Fix

This blog was created to network, and to inform.
Living in a polyamorous situation is not always easy. When you add to it 10 children and mental illness things can get really dicey.

The one thing this blog was NOT created for was a “he said,she said” mud slinging arena.

I have a very bad habit of blogging when I am hurt or angry…. rarely do I take a cooling off period before I throw what’s in my head onto the written page.

Several days have passed, and while things are still not perfect I am in a better place emotionally and we as a family are working thru the recent difficulties and finding ways to help the child in question and keep our family intact.

What I write is mine and mine alone, I may share it with our readers, but in the end it belongs to me and if I choose to withdraw, retract or recant, then that is mine to do.

While things are rocky here in polydom with Fix and LM15, we are still a family, we all still love each other very much and we are working towards a time when our family is whole and healed.

Temptress

Yesterday while in a business meeting, Big and I were called home by Goddess. A minor request of the 15 yr old son had gotten ugly and she felt outgunned and outnumbered.
So we hurried home with the knowledge that the son was on the front porch would remain there to cool off.

When we got home the adults clustered in the sitting room, discussion was had, calls made and as the time passed I felt more and more pushed into “finding him placement”.
I am under no delusions, I know the boy needs help. I also know that funds and insurance restraints have put a sever crimp in our ability to get him large amounts of counseling.
I am also aware thanks to extensive testing done early last fall that the boy is not behaving in this manner because he thinks it’s great fun. In fact he’s hurting. Somewhere inside him is pain, pain that manifests itself in ugly and uncomfortable ways. All I want is to help the boy. But some of those around me feel he needs “ a wake up call”. If he can see just how tough life can get for him, he’ll behave better. Well for your average ill behaved teen, I whole heartedly agree. But I have teen dealing with PTSD (from what we aren’t sure) severe ADHD, several learning disabilities and depression.

After several calls the best I could come up with was an hours drive south to a psychiatric hospital for an “assessment” where they “might” interred him for up to 72 hours.
As I prepared to take him , Fix insisted on riding along, I had no issue with him accompanying us, just not in the same vehicle. Of course an altercation occurred that rattled me deeply, and my mind started to spin with more things than I could keep straight. One thing had become painfully clear, I was being pushed into finding him “a place to go”, Big did not want him here any longer.

Initially he used the words “ I am uncomfortable”… but by bedtime the words used were “not welcome”. So now here I sit, my son is staying at a friend of ours for “a day or two” while I try to get my head together and figure what to do.

One of my children is in need of help, and I’m feeling his “family” turn from him, so I am in fight or flight mode. This makes things pretty uncomfortable all around.
I have located several options and it could take weeks, or months before he is placed in a therapeutic environment. Big is lobbying for me to have him deemed “ungovernable” by the state and turning him over to their care.

So, if I choose the therapeutic route, what then do I do for the upcoming weeks/months it could take? Where does he go in the meantime? I spent the majority of the night researching programs and tossing all of my options around in my head. Really I have so few. But the one thing that I am firm on is that I am a package deal. I come with children and warts. If one of my children is no longer welcome in this house, then neither am I. Which means my choices have been narrowed down to the one that is killing me inside. I have to break a promise to Goddess, and let her go.

I feel as if my family is systematically being broken down piece by piece. First Fix, now our son, will one of my daughters ill behavior have them earmarked in the future?.
Moving out and moving on is looking to be the only option that is going to keep my family intact. But in doing so I tear apart the family we have built here. I break a promise to Goddess and I break her heart.

Temptress

Today YM 15 came to me and asked if I could burn a song onto CD and give to his Dad (Fix).
Currently Fix doesn’t have a Cd player, so I YM15 and I settled for this outlet to offer up the lyrics to his father.
They say a lot about how how the boy is feeling currently.

Temptress

“Perfect”

Written by Simple Plan

Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I’m wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I’m never gonna be good enough for you
I can’t pretend that
I’m alright
And you can’t change me

‘Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry
I can’t be perfect
Now it’s just too late and
We can’t go back
I’m sorry
I can’t be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don’t care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I’m never gonna be good enough for you
I can’t stand another fight
And nothing’s alright

‘Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry
I can’t be perfect
Now it’s just too late and
We can’t go back
I’m sorry
I can’t be perfect

Nothing’s gonna change the things that you said
Nothing’s gonna make this right again
Please don’t turn your back
I can’t believe it’s hard
Just to talk to you
But you don’t understand

‘Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry
I can’t be perfect
Now it’s just too late and
We can’t go back
I’m sorry
I can’t be perfect

‘Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry
I can’t be perfect
Now it’s just too late and
We can’t go back
I’m sorry
I can’t be perfect

Ok enythang said. I will amitt. To it know. I did it. All of it. What ever thy say i did or dident do i did it. Its all my fault. Fix