Here it is  4 months later and still out of the quid and family  its been a long tought road  I have treid to get them to include me in family things  and dinner dates and to go out on family gatherings and quid gatherings and so far I am not part of anything  I was told I would be part of all this and they have not showed nothing back   well that’s the just of it  I feel it’s a hard road to go down when I am told that they want me part of on one hand and want me back but thy don’t show it or at less  made an effort on the other . resolving the problems at hand  they keep saying my attitude is not getting better but  worse ok   wouldn’t yours if you have been denied your part that you have been told  you would have  but when it come time  your told no     no I don’t have the right to be upset  its ok for them to yell at me and throw DVD players at me and tell me  get out when I am  calm and then apologize and say there sorry  but if I did that then I get thrown out and disconnected from the family and quid for getting up set and raising my voice and so on  I have asked so many times why wont you all involve me in  what’s going tell  I am blue in the face  it is clear that thy cant put the bad mistakes  we have all done  behind and try to work on the issues if putting back in the family and quid where I want  to be but instead they hold back and throw up to me my anger is the problem   it is not up to me to include me in everything that goes on it is up to them to pick up the phone and call me  and ask me if I want to   whatever  or to tell what’s going on  and ask my opinion on issues and listen to what I have to say  not just say it handled    that’s not keeping to what was said   this is suppose to be a therapeutic separation  not kick me out of everything  but I shouldn’t be upset at all   I should be calm and talk in a low voice about how I have been  detached from everything   I guess I shouldn’t  be upset  I should be happy all the time and smile  and thank how nice it is to be crapped on  I should be thankful to see my kids on a limited time frame and live with 18 years  of life  flushed down the drain because  I said how wrong things have been and how unfair things are between everything    it is not about me getting everything its about me being treated  like I am a part of everything  having equal time, say, place ,worth ,compassion ,duty ,and so on   not just take it away and hold it back because egos  are to big and feel it not my place to be part of. If they truly want to fix this then they need to treat me right and then there would nothing to get upset on maybe then  when I talk about what problems have with things and I now that they will truly lesson and care about what happening and want to fix it when I see something done about it and not told  to bad like it or not  when I stand as everyone else  does in getting resolution on issues then that would be truly   a part of all things            fix

These struck me very strongly today…

Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty.
It is compatible neither with obedience, jealousy nor fear.
It is there most pure, perfect, and unlimited when
its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve.
Percy Byshe Shelley

Life’s harder, the deeper you feel things.
John Marsden

Love fully, with all that is you. It may cost you pain at it’s end. It may inspire you to live forever.
Spiky Zora Jones

…a lot of life is in the details. But some it is also in the perspective.
Elizabeth Penmark

Over a week ago Fix and I both threw out hurtful words. Hurt , frustration, anger and fear were my catalysts. Jealousy, hurt, and anger were his.
In the blink of an eye we both became people that I did not recognize and that for the better part of our marriage we both swore we would never become if the strength of our marriage waivered.
But there they were, battle lines. Clearly drawn and harshly viewed. And was the battle over…. Our children. The very beings we created in love and professed to care for and protect. They were about to become property to be fought over.

One statement from Fix denouncing the lifestyle I (we) lived and had chosen together, thrown at me in the form of an all out threat had me running for my computer to remove all trace of this life we chose, our poly life together. It was a knee jerk reaction, and one made with the need to protect that which I hold most dear.

Within 48 hours, I deeply regretted all that was said and took a stance of full acceptance and backed down to the majority of Fix’s requests.
As I stood in the window Saturday and watched as our girls loaded into his car fro a weekend at his apt. I felt like my heart was being ripped out. How in the hell had we reached this point?

I have put the website, the forums and the blog, back online. I’ve done this for several reasons…..

1) To show good faith. I have no intention of making our children’s lives a battle ground. I expect no need of the legal system or the courts to decide their fate.

2) I have every hope and expectation that Fix and I will find level ground once again and put or family back together again.

3) If for some terrible unthinkable reason this does go to the courts. I am not ashamed of the lifestyle the four of us chose together. I am willing to stand up and show that our children are happy, healthy and well adjusted. I can not think that having a group of loving parents to watch over and guide them is as awful as some would think.

So while some would call me reckless and out of sound mind to put myself and our life out there when the fate of our children could be in question. I am willing to stand up, hold my head high and show anyone who asks just how wonderful “our poly life” really is.

Temptress

Almost two years ago on this blog, I made a wish for my impending 38th birthday. Not long after my hormonal system went haywire and we didn’t know for a few weeks if my wish would come true, or if my body just liked to play cruel jokes on my psyche. Apparently the later was true.

I knew my entire life I was meant to be a mommy. There is not other job for me to hold that held more meaning or importance to me. I am not the domestic diva my Goddess is. She can out pace me in all of the little touches she provides. No stain can beat her, she is the organizing queen (we own stock on Rubbermaid boxes) and no lunch box banana leaves home with out a note of love and care written on it. When it comes to my children, both natural born, and gifted from circumstance, I love them fiercely and with abandon.

These last two years I have wished deeply and with all I have for the one thing that I knew without a shadow of a doubt could not be granted…. I wanted a baby. One that would not be “theirs” or “ours” or this child’s brother or that ones sister. I wanted a baby for many reasons, but one was to tie this family together a baby that would belong to us all. I ache when I pass the baby isle at the store, seeing a small one in it’s stroller brings a rush of emotion and passing an expectant woman brings an envy that can be overwhelming. Both of our men have had vasectomies…. So it won’t ever happen for me, for us. This is something I have yet to find a way to reconcile within myself and as once again another birthday looms, my 40th, my biological clock resonates in my head like pots and pans clattering into the sink.

As some people have said,” be careful what you wish for” and then coupled that with “the creator has a sense of humor”. Well indeed…. A sense of humor it is.

Fix and I have a 20 yr old daughter whom we love, but who in the last 2 yrs of leaving the nest, has required our rescuing her in a major way several times. In fact I expect we will be rescuing her in some way the majority of her life. She has no job. No place to live ( is currently staying with Fix at his studio) and no future short a job hopper that we can see.
Sunday night Fix let me know that I’m going to be a Grandmother. My world caved in.
My first emotion was anger, “how dare she do this to me”, the thing I desire so deeply, and she has it, doesn’t know what to do with it and doesn’t want it. Then grief set in…. she can’t care for it, she isn’t ready for this responsibility, and termination was high on her list of choices, and still more of “she gets what I want”

I know, selfish. That’s not the half of it…. Then the really selfish thought came to my head. She can give it to me. She can have it and then hand it over. I’ll raise it and she won’t have to worry about it all.

Then reality set in… I was not thinking like a mother. Mothers are unselfish and in cases such as this should offer unbiased options, stand back, let a choice be made and then support it even if it wasn’t the one I would have made. Good thing I realized all of this before I actually spoke to her. I could have really messed things up.

I ended up having two lengthy phone conversations with LM20 yesterday. And at this point, termination is not an option. She is leaning towards keeping it and trying it out on her own with us a safety net to step in and take over if she feels she can’t handle it. Or if she hasn’t been able to make some major financial and situational changes by the time little on arrives then we will step in from the word go.

No matter the choices made, this small person has, at least under this roof, 9 Aunties and Uncles and 4 Grandparents who are ready, willing, and anxious to shower him/her with all of the love and affection that one tiny being can ever need.

And while I still harbor the deepest desire to be a mommy again, I know logically it is time to pass the torch and turn my face towards a new direction. It does not make the ache inside me any less, and I will wish for years to come it could be different. But now along with Mom, mommy and momma I can add the title of Grandma.

~Temptress

Like a wounded animal it strikes

Hungry claws intend to injure or maim

Out of fear it propels the toxin called vengeance

Malicious fangs tear at the place where love lives

Thinking nothing of anything but itself

Hoping to leave a wound, glad to see its mark

Unleashing venom born of bitterness and spite

Recoiling not from remorse, but exhaustion

Bloody and torn the heart hardens its defenses

Pushing care and kindness further towards the dark recesses of the soul

Brokenness embodies a shallow dwelling

And its name is pain.