first I am not mental  I am a husbon and a father who dont have a family be couse i open my mouth and pointed out the wrongs in the quid ..the thangs that happen that the others would not stand for  but i had too … be couse i do not  stay a calm and quite person when injust was being done  is part of the  problum … the fact that  the the more i was wronged the more  my emoutions got out of control .  learning to deal with the poly life and a relationship  bump  and life  with other  factures got the best off me and trying to put that behind and getting back to were i can be a better person is not eazy to do with the quid …. to be part of something and to feel good about it  is what we all need to get thru each day… its what drives us all to feel that you are part and hold a firm spot in the life you chose…   with out it   how do you feel good about yourself or about others  this negative feed back thats going on will never stop unless the peaple in it have to do what it takes to stop it but if you do thangs for along time it becomes auto matic . theres no way for you to even notice it unless some one points it out  like if your talking about yourself you know to say  I,ME , MYSELF but if your talking about you and your partner its US ,WE, OUR,   so to singule out someone  unknowingly and there in the same room  hurts deep  deeper  then stabbing a knight in the hart .   yes i have made bad choises and been wornge about thangs but when a valid point comes and it gets blown over  its hurts that tour being pushed away . and to get back will be hard . some peaple have there ways and you have to live with it like it or not depending on the personality . like big could not sleep alone .. so no matter what he could not . for months it made thangs hard .and unfair on all other  activities for the rest butt  that was the final answer too bad    thats not right to be that way when he getting lots on hes end .. ether way i and the two ladys waited ….. and didnot like it  but thats the way it was for him  …to get upset over issues  aand to talk about it would be fine but to be blown off  is not .. how i handle it  was wrong and my be if i sat back and manipulate and plane thangs better  and said no more often then mybe it would be different … but instead i tryed not to be so limited on this  and it bite me in the *ss   so  thank i am mental butt really just want fairness and to be part of what was promise and committed …….. I will change for the better , if there is life

it has been brought to my attion that what this site is  not for mud slinging so for you all that feel i bring this site down and dont feel that what i thank is not inportent to say on here but for you all that would like to see the view from one side and not both to see the life we have  from a sheldered view then  ok you got it     thay see there glass as half full and i see it as half empty but what i see and feel is just as importent  as to what the rest of the  quid see and feels   this site was to tell the ups and downs of this kind of life and what we go thru to hope one day that it might help someone else not to make the same mastasks as we have  and mybe to give the full side of the story  but this site has been used for  mud slinging  hurtfull words and to say what could not be said to oneanother   but i dont use words like everone else does i dont suger coat the truth i dont use turms like  THE GLOVES COME OFF to make a point .  i say what i say just like the rest do  but this site has been shut down and blogs taken out and commetts  deleated   buy the peaple that say so nicely in the welcom and meny times  this is the upsand downs      fear not the story will be told but bye 3/4 of the side and only 3/4 ofthe siad that deems what you will see and hear  will make you all out there happy to read a fictional story      i will sit on the side lines where i have been told to be and not say enythang  like a good little boy so injoy reading and Iam sorry that I MADE ENY UNHAPPY  READING FOR YOU ALL

You accuse us often of being of “one mind,” joined at the hip not only physically but mentally and emotionally. Well, this letter will probably make you think that is truer now than ever before. We are, in fact, two separate people. We have found ourselves in the same place at the same time in our marriages and within ourselves, both now and at times past. We know that you look at us now, wondering who are the women that you see before you.

We certainly don’t bear any resemblance to the women to whom you pledged your love and lives almost 2 decades ago. The women you see today do not dress the same, talk the same, make love the same, or even look the same. We have heard you call us selfish. We no longer bend to your will, we stand up for ourselves and let our wants and needs be known. We tell you that behaviors we once tolerated from you are no longer acceptable.

It is said that women marry men hoping they will change, and that men marry women hoping they won’t. Maybe that is youthful ignorance on our part, or yours, or both. The two of you have changed over the years as well… Perhaps more to the point, you have matured and settled in to the roles of husband and father rather than the roguish boys of your youth.

We married each of you because we love you. From your actions and words we created an idea of what we expected our life with you to be like. Over the years however, we made a grave error. In our quest to please you and create a calm, happy, and loving home we allowed you some freedoms and we took a few of our own that created particular patterns of behaviors. These predictable blueprints became structures we lived under for nearly 18 years.

One of us would choose to be the one who would always submit. In the quest for harmony she would allow you to be the one to lead; to influence her in your choices. You could always convince her that the way you saw things was the way they would need to be seen. She allowed her strong Christian upbringing to guide her in the ways of being a “proper” wife.

The other one of us would take the lead in the marriage, not to be domineering, but to manage everything that might remotely cause you strife or upset. She created a bubble of perfection and calm. Her greatest fear was that one day you would decide you wanted something else, so she protected you at all costs so you could find no fault or reason to stray.

In our efforts to create a happy home and find harmony we lost something important… ourselves. Over the years we tried to fill the holes that grew larger and more ominous with “things;” bible studies, civic groups, hobbies, children’s actives, friends both live and thru the internet. As time passed you became comfortable with the wives you saw and we became shadows of who we knew we really were inside. So the wives you came to know and the behavior you expected from them were really nothing more than the personas we projected. The more we tried to fill the inner gaps with events and undertakings, the harder it was to let our true selves out. After a time, we did not know who we really were; we existed as someone created for a purpose. And if we didn’t understand what we’d done, how could we ever expect you to know?

And then something happened. Almost simultaneously we hit bottom. Emotionally we had nothing left, we went thru the emotions of life not sure of who we were or what we wanted. We began to question everything about ourselves and our lives – about what was real, what we were taught to believe, and what we needed. We met each other and over the years drew strength from each other and as that friendship blossomed into love we finally felt with the other standing at our side we had the strength to let out who we really were inside and to finally reach for not only happiness in our lives, but true contentment within ourselves.

I’m acquainted with a sermon by Pastor Andy Stanley about spiritual drifting; however it is something that applies to us as wives. It is an analogy that I think suits us well. He said… (Paraphrased)
If you allow yourself to drift thru life just going along with the current, at some point in your life you come to a place where you have to make a stand. Either a stand for something or against something or you realize you are dangerously close to going over the edge of some imaginary emotional waterfall.

At some point you find life will force you to stand up. Where you are in the current when you plant your feet has a lot to do with how much pain the drag causes you. If you stand up early when the water is shallow and slow moving there will still be drag; but it will be more easily overcome. If you allow yourself to effortlessly float along on the river to where it is deep and swift, then once you realize there are changes to be made, if you can even touch bottom, you are faced with a huge amount of undertow. Sometimes the current is just so strong at that point that you may end up paying for the ease with which you floated along with the amount of pain and difficulty you face.

That is what we feel we did. We floated along allowing the river to move us on its course and not making one of our own. We passively allowed our life to dictate who we were, not the other way around.

So very often we hear, “You’re not the person I thought you were.” Okay fine. Then get to know the person we are now. Do not expect us to revert to who you thought we were. Not only was I not happy as that person, she was so contrived I don’t think I could recreate her. Please stop telling me, “I don’t know you, I don’t recognize you, MY wife would never do X… my wife would never say X.”

We still love you both to the depths of our being, but we are honest enough now to say “you do not fulfill me in all ways.” You bring me joy and happiness; you bring me love and satisfy my heart and soul in many ways. But there is more to me than I have let you see.

I need to stand up, be who I am inside and let the real me come to the surface. I need you at my side, loving me and letting me grow. I need you to take the time to get to know who I have kept hidden inside so long. Do not expect your will to be mine, or your wants mine. I still have the desire to please you in many ways, but now I want to do it with sincerity and a glad heart, not out of preconceived societal placed obligation as your wife.

Hi, it’s nice to meet you. We are your wives, the mothers of your children and two strong independent women. We would love for you to get to know us… we would love to spend the rest of our lives with you.

~ Temptress and The Laundry Goddess

Dreams and their interpretations have always been an amusing past time for me, like opening my fortune cookies; I never put a lot of credence in their meaning until about five years ago.  For whatever reason, I spent the better part of six months having reoccurring dreams about my teeth falling out.  At first no big deal, but after a while it became distressing.  What could this mean?  I spoke with some friends and then went out and bought a dream dictionary and another book on interpretation.

Since then I have been much more in tune with my nocturnal visions.  On those mornings I awake with odd remembrances of strange creatures and unexplained adventures, I try and make sense of them, offering my loves a look into my warped realities of the night.  A few nights ago I experienced another such perplexing image.  As I began to piece together my story the next morning I related this to the loves over breakfast:

“I dreamed I had special ordered a pet.  I was on my way to pick it up at the aquatic pet farm.  When I arrived, I noticed a large gated area to the right of the barn and inside of it was this mud like goo where the animals were kept in stasis until they were claimed (think The Matrix.)  As I approached this holding area, I noticed next to my pet, a jellyfish was a black sheep, and many other animal heads protruding into the air.

The farm extracted my jellyfish from the bin with a large crane type device and handed it to me.  I couldn’t figure out how to take said pet home, so after questioning the establishment, they suggested I wear it on my head in a wig like fashion.  I turned around and they placed the jellyfish on my head.  Even though I was wearing a jacket, the tentacles kept flapping down my back and around my arms and stinging me.  No matter what I tried to do with said jellyfish, it kept on stinging with its long graceful limbs flailing about.  I couldn’t get home with this pet continually harming me, so I began to wonder if perhaps I shouldn’t have ordered the black sheep instead.”

Now I have some gut instincts on what my subconscious may be saying to me on this topic, but they are just suppositions based on my POV of late.  Things have been in a state of semi upheaval for a while now and the brain has been engaged in some heavy duty thinking.  Regardless, I think Freud would have a field day with this one. 

~the laundry goddess, March 1, 2008