Integrity issues take on many facets. In a conversation the other day, I was asked to put myself in the shoes of someone Jewish living in Germany as Hitler came to power. Did I think lying about my heritage to save my family in such a situation was acting with integrity? I do think it would be lying, but survival would indeed be a higher calling in such a situation which means in doing so one would still be acting with integrity. The point being made to me was that many people learn such techniques as a survival mechanism growing up in lesser circumstances as well. Can you bring such responses into adulthood when it is no longer required in such a way that you still hold your integrity together? I can’t anyway. For me I need to know my words, my heart, and actions match up. When they don’t, I need to be apologizing to somebody.

 

When you read through our blogs you often get one way a conversation is remembered. Please don’t assume that is the way it actually happened and start choosing sides. I repeated something the other day to have Laundry Goddess reply that she was sure that that was the way I remember it. I’ll admit that I am the king of putting my foot in my mouth and LG has asked me to add that my timing sucks as well. If I haven’t verbally offended you yet, then you don’t yet know me very well. Many times I deserve a tongue lashing for things that have come out of my mouth, but many of the things you read here from someone else’s memory don’t always constitute one of those times. You just need to know more of the story. Do not expect us to get into games of he said, she said to try and correct it either. Take them for what they are – explanations of why we feel as we do at that moment. Maybe the person that we always love deeply, but are hurting because of at that moment, is not as bad as you think.

 

 

Another integrity issue is being honest with yourself. Sometimes what you want conflicts with what the people around you want. As adults, we should be able to discuss such needs and try to find solutions to the problem. What doesn’t seem to be working is trying to convince yourself and others that you don’t actually have that need. Burying your needs for the greater good is going to fester back up and bite us all in the backside. Another thing that doesn’t seem to work is closing your eyes and hoping the problem goes away. “If I can put off conversations about fixing this problem enough times, we’ll never have to deal with it.” It’s like finding a solution for cancer that involves waiting until the patient dies – see the cancer dies too! The longer that real solutions are put off, the more it wears on everyone involved all around. Trying to keep one foot on the boat and one on the dock will slowly erode away both of the choices before you.

 

Trying to hide the issue by throwing temper tantrums, making the others involved feel like terrible evil creatures, or throwing in everything else you can think of from every argument you’ve ever considered doesn’t seem to work well either. Another fun one is saying “I’m standing my ground because of how much such actions hurt the other person involved – how can you sit there and make her cry that way.” I think bringing your own needs to the table and owning them is enough.

 

I was asked due to the friend-girl issues, to put together a set of guidelines that we could all agree to for the time being. Temptress and Fix need time to address their issues without the added strain created by our different needs. This was something that could be readdressed in six months or so but would bring much needed peace to the house for now. Not my favorite assignment, but I spent some time on it, got feedback from a couple of close friends, and put something together. What made the most sense to me was to put together a list every possible romantic or emotional entanglement I could think of and sort those into list of currently allowed and currently not allowed. It runs the spectrum of talking to someone of the opposite sex to having unprotected sex and living together. Halfway through a conversation about the currently allowed list, LG commented that it sounded very parenting and that she didn’t want to be that woman. By the end of both lists I was told that she had had enough of discussing this and I was free to do whatever I wanted as long as she was made aware of everything beforehand and as long as I understood everything has consequences. So much for putting everything on hold for the time being.

 

I’m sure no man alive actually thinks that “do whatever you want but remember there are consequences” actually has anything to do with doing what you want. Our basic difference in our wants boils down to having relationships either open or closed. I’ve made this need known for the last two years since I came to understand it but have not stepped past the lines that have been drawn. When LG found that her heart had traveled past the confines of her closed relationship again, I assumed that we would take a harder look at a more open relationship. I accepted her change in heart the first time and learned to deal with it and eventually embrace it. This time it was much easier. It was nice to feel like one of the two women “got it” and that they might be more accepting of my needs as well. I was fully accepting of such a relationship though because of my love for LG and my acceptance of the idea of being more open. Accepting it so that I might have my way too doesn’t fit too well with my definition of integrity. That was not it at all.

 

I’m also asking myself what I really want. I’m very sure I want more freedom than before. I want to make decisions about where my lines are myself. I also want to be the father and husband my family needs. I understand the need to be sure things are handled at home first – time, money, emotions, security. I love both of these ladies deeply. I want to provide for them, protect them, meet all of their needs that I can, and earn their love and respect. I want to be here for them. I also want to feel like we’re playing from the same rule book. I know my needs differ from theirs. I love them both and want the world for them. I can bury myself for them if that’s the only option – I just can’t believe they would leave me that way – that hurts.

 

I’m being asked to be unselfish enough to let her have the lovers she wants in her life while I stay faithful to her and possibly the lovers she shares with me. It’s  hard to watch her have that freedom and not have it myself.

 

I feel as if every woman who shows any interest at all is quickly pushed away, runs away to avoid the drama being created, or forced to back into a position of just being a friend of the family. I can drive women away all by myself, without such help, thank you very much. It’s like passing a yard and having a dog bark at you. She wants you to know this is her yard and if you plan on coming near, you better do things by her rules. I don’t want my friends treated that way. I don’t want to be controlled that way. I don’t like such a passive aggressive approach being taken.

 

It has been suggested that my wanting an open relationship is a trust issue. Finding that your needs have changed and expressing those needs is not a lack of integrity. On the contrary, being that transparent and being willing to share thoughts that might not be popular is one of the pillars of integrity.

 

 ~Big 7/18/08

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Ok… so here is yet again ANOTHER blog about friend-girls. Well maybe not friend-girls specifically. I think we have a whole new label now, girlfriend.

 

So first a refresher.

 

The four of us came together and we agreed on being a closed  poly fidelitous quad. In fact when we committed to each other and exchanged rings on New Years Eve solidifying the relationships, the words Big wrote and recited to me promised me  fidelity. This I have banked on all along.

 

For those that have read our blog from beginning to present know that somewhere along the way Big decided he couldn’t be polyamorous unless he could practice “real” polyamory. His definition of real means open, at least emotionally open.

 

This caused a lot of pain and hurt feelings on my part and Goddess had issues with it as well. Eventually it was explained to us and we came to understand that he was not seeking new lovers. In his words he only wanted other women he could be close to emotionally. To care for, to love as friends, and yet not be physically involved with. Eventually Goddess and I came to accept his need for the now labeled “friend-girls”.

 

In the realm of friend-girls, they would be email, IM, and phone friends. They would be liked , respected and offered a deep and personal friendship.

O.k… I wasn’t thrilled with this idea. But I accepted it, that was a level I could be comfortable with, I could tease him about his friend-girls and yet know that while they were close in emotional ways there was no physical interaction other than a hug or kiss on the cheek if there was ever an opportunity to meet in person.

 

Near Easter, Big found a loop hole and he stretched it wide to create a door he felt he could walk thru with no obligation to any previous promises or parameters of relationships set forth.

Out of  respect and care for the two people who inadvertently created this loop hole I will expand no further. But I will say when it occurred, Goddess and I both feel that Big saw a stage being set that would work to his advantage and he acted upon it.

 

All of a sudden and without warning he began to pursue a relationship that unbeknown   to us, he intended to take physical. And when confronted he admitted that he was unwilling to practice any sort of fidelity any longer.

Goddess did however ask Big to respect our “speed of the slowest ” clause and to scale back his pursuit giving me/us time to come to a place of possible acceptance.

I did tell him that while I could not promise a change of heart, I would promise to at least try to move towards acceptance. There was no time limit requested or stated.

 

Big has apparently decided that 3 1/2 months is long enough. And so there are friend-girls and there are now what Goddess and I expect to be full fledged girl-friends.  And there is where the problems really begin.

 

I have never for one single moment been under any illusion about the depth of feeling or lack thereof that Big has for me. He and I walked into this expecting to be friends, to love each other as friends and as lovers. Goddess would always be our hinge point.

 

I was the one who purposefully let my guard down. I was the one who allowed a weekend away to set my heart free and to open myself up to love him freely and fully.

In fact, Fix urged me to do so, he hoped I would find the depth of feeling with Big that he and Goddess had found with each other.

 

I admit that I would be amazingly happy if Big developed  real feelings of romantic love, if he crossed over to the “in-love” side of things my world would be a much brighter place. But, I am content with his level of care. I do not expect nor demand any more than he can give and I am at ease for the most with my place as secondary in his life.

 

After a recent  evening of intimacy I snuggled against his chest and made a statement referring to my depth of feeling for him. I expected no such declaration back, but what I did get, set me back on my heels a bit. His reply was “ I wish I did love you that way”. Ok.. not to bad, but then it was quickly followed by a sentiment that he hoped he could find that level of love with a future girl-friend.

 

WHOA…. Ok. Ummmmm wait. I said I love you .. I was told I don’t love you that much AND I hope I can find someone else to love that much ( paraphrasing here).

 

OUCH OUCH OUCH. Not that there is ever a time or place for such a declaration, but fresh off the heels of making love to someone is definitely NOT the time.

So the stage is now set for my now very poor frame of mind.

Over the course of the next few days talks begin about his renewed interest in additional lovers. Gone are the days of emotional only friend-girls. He wants full fledged romantic, in-love, fully sexual relationships.

 

When I asked him how he expected me to deal with watching him ride off into the sunset with the newest love of his life, while I settled  into my place as the only friend-girl who lived in the same house as him and now not held in the same regard as the new love. He responded that he expected I would be happy for him.

 

Happy for him … maybe, and only because I love him. Happy for the woman who stepped into the place I dearly want in his heart…doubtful. In fact it brings all manner of emotions and feelings that I can’t even begin to name.

 

While I could say the bruising and battering that my heart will take is my main reason for  my resistance to the full girl-friend thing, I can honestly say no that is secondary, no… probably further down than that.

 

My biggest and most primary reason is fear. I left the dating game almost 20 years ago.

My mother ran a hospice for AIDS patients that Fix and I were heavily involved in. I have buried more friends and acquaintances than I can count. Over 25 in a 6 month period alone. I have seen a healthy vibrant life ravaged and stamped out in less than a year. My own brother, who has been in a monogamous gay relationship of over 14 years was diagnosed with HIV 8months ago, and now battles that and lymphoma. I know the nasty scaries that are out there. And I want no part off them.

 

And the argument can be made , what if we become fluid bonded with one of his new girls…. Ok sure. And his girl has another lover and this other lover is less than honest unbeknownst to us. And we go about life thinking we are safe and bonded. And then oops.

No, sorry, NOT a chance I am willing to take.

 

In between my feelings and my fear of disease lies the feelings of Goddess. I know how she would feel if he took on another lover or lovers. And if for no other reason than the protection of her heart I remain opposed to adding any other lovers.

 

Friend-girls, while I am not jumping up and down with glee over the idea… you are accepted and in some odd way, welcome in our small square.

 

To those with designs of romance and intimacy, be very certain you understand there are more than your feelings or his in this equation. There is a family, because really when you take the sex out of it, that is what we are. We are a committed, bonded family of four parents and 10 children, all of whom care about and respect the others as part of our family unit and we are all committed to each other and what we have built, even in trying and difficult times.

 

Temptress

 

Just a quick wave of the flag to offer a peaceful blessing over this day.  We plan to spend the day cooking out with family and enjoying Fix’s Fireworks this evening.  Both of our exchange students are now under roof and seem to be thrilled to be celebrating this American holiday with us.  It does give me a renewed spirit of appreciation for what I/we have, both as a nation and as an individual.  May the day bring all of you many happy returns.

Happy 4th!  ~LG

There are nights that I drift off to sleep peacefully, and sometime during the night I find my eyes opening only to stare into the darkness for hours on end.

I don’t know if I can put into words the things that run through my head during these long nights, but it is always the same and the same emotions always plague me… Guilt, hoplessness and fear.

As more and more time passes,  I feel Fix and I drifting further apart and I despair of things ever being repaired and him ever returning home to live with us as a family. I want our family whole and complete once more. I want him beside me for the rest of our lives. I promised to grow old with him and I still mean to do so. But I wonder if I was too greedy.

Should I have just  let the Goddess go. Should I have never said anything to her about how I felt and just let her and Big travel the path with out me (us) ? I could have done that… I could have never  said anything to her and lived my life out with Fix. I could have been happy and content with just him as I was for the previous 15 years. But I got selfish and greedy, I saw a chance to have it all and like Icarus I paid no head to the warnings and flew to close to sun. Now I find myself drowning in the ocean.

I do not regret the love I have for her, she is not my regret and never will be.  What I do regret is that I did not handle any of this well.  I knew of Fix’s infatuation with Goddess, and I knew his good heart and capability for love. I knew in time he would fall in love her, I was sure of it. I saw my chance to have her and him and I ran headlong into the opportunity I saw.  I was certain Fix and I were strong enough to weather anything that came along. We had stood shoulder to shoulder against the world for 15 years, this would not tear us apart.  I was wrong about that.  I did not realize how broken Fix was inside. I did not realize that once given someone else to lean on, I would run from Fix and turn to them when I saw him crumble from his breakdown.

I have made so many mistakes and I have no idea how to right this wrong. I do know that I have traveled so far down the path I have chosen that I can’t turn back… I have to keep  on this course and hope that somehow I can find a way to make things better.

Goddess and Big do not know Fix I as I do, they don’t have the memories o f the kind and gentle father and husband. They have only seen his anger and pain and only glimpsed the real him on rare occasions. He brings to them the kind of turmoil and drama they have never known and I feel responsible for that  as well. I know in the end we all made choices, we all took part in the decisions and that I am not solely responsible for where we find ourselves now. However, I could have made different choices and it is those mis-steps I feel have placed us squarely in the middle of the quagmire we are in now.

Together Fix and I made promises to each other when we started this, promises that he feels I have broken.  He said I promised to  always make him my priority above Big and Goddess. And that I would not let them come between us.  And he may be right, I may have been the one to break them.  I have made promises to Goddess as well. The one that is causing Fix the most grief is that I promised her  I would not leave, that this is my chosen place to be and I will not leave her and return to a monogamous life with Fix.  I meant that promise to her. I love her to distraction, she completes me in way s I can not describe.

By the same turn, Fix’s absence in my life is crushing. I have a history with him, memories of good times and bad.  We have children together and we had an expectation of a lifetime.  I miss him. I miss  being  his. I miss being  “that” person to him.

When you spend over a decade building a life with someone being the person they wanted to wake up next to,  being the person they  couldn’t wait to see at the end of each day, being the person they just had to share that piece of news with, being the person they wanted to hold in their arms and make love to. Being the one for them… when that is gone it leaves an emptiness.  When I was secondary with Big and Goddess it meant little to me, because I  had my place with Fix. With him away, my position as secondary is glaring. Not so much with Goddess… she sees an equality amongst us. But that does not negate the history, the inside jokes and the comfort level she has with Big. Big on the other hand, I am very much second.  And while I know his actions are not meant to hurt intentionally, they can and do on occasion.

Fix would love nothing more than if I were leave Goddess and Big, separate the families, tear apart the sibling unit our 9 children have created, and return to a monogamous life with him. He says only until this is all fixed. But I know if I were to acquiesce to this request, that would be the end of our poly life and most likely  the friendship of the four. Once apart, it could never be put back together again.

So here I sit, my marriage in a shambles. The man I love deeply and without reason professing to want our quad, to want this lifestyle and the life the four of us had built and yet telling me that the only way to fix this is for us to be on our own as a family again.

Since I seem to be so lousy at keeping promises, I am working very hard to be certain that those I made to Goddess I uphold. If things do not work out with Fix and I and we end this marriage, what will my children think of me? Will they feel one day I sacrificed their father for my own happiness? Will they come to resent me for ruining our family. Or worse yet will they blame Goddess and Big.

Fix tells me today that he feel the need to distance himself from me, from us right now.  I wish I knew the magic answer that would put everything to rights once again.

I feel so trapped by life right now.

 

Temptress