There was an issue with YM 16 (Drummer Boy) last night. After Fix’s reaction last night and then the anger that was thrown at me this morning, I questioned whether or not the discipline that was handed was appropriate. I was planning to blog and to ask you, our readers your opinion.  Much to my surprise I see Fix has beaten me to it.

There was a time in my life, pre-marriage, when I aspired to be the perfect mother. I was once praised by friends and family to have the “patience of Job.”  I played a very incremental role in the raising of my brother (12 years my junior) as well as my roommate’s two daughters, born while we were young college students. And then I married Fix and became the instant mother to a 3 yr old daughter.  Unknown to me at the time, this little girl would test everything I had or believed about parenting. And in fact would change me and the way I parented, and was not a change that was for the better. Her emotional issues are still a struggle for myself and family to this day.

Over time the patience I once had, diminished.  The mother I aspired to be disappeared and I became a shoot first ask questions later sort of parent.  My own bio children were being parented in a way I knew was fundamentally incorrect, but I felt trapped and unable to make the change I needed to. And then our oldest turned 18 and left home and I was going thru the “finding myself” phase I have spoke of before. I was making baby steps toward change, but with no backup from Fix, the changes were small.

When the quad came together I found strength and support with Goddess and Big to be the mother I always knew I had in me to be. To parent a way that empowered my children and kept their self esteem from taking a bruising. More than anything else I think this threw Fix. Of all the changes I was making, this one was HUGE and was just one more thing in me he did not recognize.

For the last 3 years I have found the patience that was once buried, I have discovered my ability to listen and then to weigh all of the points of matter and create a discipline that will teach a lesson and not tear down the self esteem of a young person.

I was given a lot of wonderful messages as a child. And I was also given a few messages that hurt and that I fight daily to overcome. I know I am far from perfect and that I will leave scars on my children, but it is my sincere hope that the positive messages far outweigh the negative and when they reach a point in their lives that they look back at their time as children, they see and understand I did my very best to show them that they were loved and valued and that when a wrong was committed I was able to act fairly and attention paid to teaching a lesson without harming their psyche or belittling them.

The issue over the weekend was a young man showing very poor judgment. He took money from my purse to purchase time on an online game site. When I realized said funds were missing ( $20) , I questioned certain members of the household including Drummer Boy . He as well as the others denied any responsibility.

In an offhand conversation, Scout  ( YM14) mentioned that he and Drummer Boy had discovered new things on said online game, thanks to the new membership status of Drummer Boy.

I did some investigation on price of game and method of purchase used and then compared that to what I  knew of Drummer Boys whereabouts and finances ( he had been given $10 the day before for gas for his moped and dinner at the H.S. Football game  his JROTC crew was presiding as security for), and came to the conclusion that indeed he was responsible.

When I discussed my suspicion with Fix his immediate answer was that since money was taken then the punishment should fit the crime and we should take money in return. Money in the form of Drummer Boys birthday cash. I should also take his moped keys for a period of time not determined.

While the birthday person is the one who receives the gifts, it is my view that the reason we celebrate a birthday is to celebrate the person and their place in our lives and to show our love and appreciation for them by the gifts we give.

I refused to use his birthday gift as discipline and requested other options, and in fact wanted the four parents to discuss it. Big came in preparing to leave for an appt. I asked if he had time to talk he said he really should be leaving…. Fix got upset at that response and left the house to return to his apt. leaving the discipline in my (our) hands.

I called Drummer boy in and discussed the matter with him, letting him know I had a lot of circumstantial evidence and that I suspected him of wrongdoing. It took 30 minutes of me sitting silently and waiting for him to come to terms with his deeds. But it paid off.

He was able to finally look up and look me in the eye and admit to the deed AND to apologize. This was a HUGE step for this boy given his history. I knew what I did from here was going to  mean more than a discipline. I needed him to see that I knew how hard admittance was, that I was appreciative of the apology and that what he had done was wrong and carried a consequence.

In my mind, since he took the money to buy something he wanted, a fitting consequence was to do without that thing which he purchased and then some. So he was grounded from all computers for a period of 90 days, the term of the online membership. I also logged in to his account, changed the account address to my email and changed the password so IF he tries to use it at a friends house he can not access it. I also advised him, that upon employment in the coming weeks, his first paycheck will be dedicated to making sure I receive compensation for the funds taken.

Also, driving his moped is a privilege, one given out of trust. Since he told me he was using his moped for purpose A, and in fact used it to commit his dastardly deed, he has lost his moped for a period of 4 weeks. And finally, just because I have begged him to do it for 3 weeks…. I have restricted him from going anywhere until his room is clean to the Mommies standard.

These punishments may seem light to Fix, but I am of the opinion that it suitable. I will say this. If Drummer Boy had not admitted to wrong doing and had not apologized of his own accord then I had other consequences in store, along similar lines, but more tough.

I needed to reward his honesty, not tear him down and yet offer a discipline that was painful and would convey to him that his actions were out of line. I think I have accomplished that.

We as humans are not meant to remain the same. We are always evolving and changing.

And as painful as it if for those who knew me before to accept, this is me now. And I hope in the end I am a better me.

I hope that I have become the kind of mother my children need me to be. I hope that I am able to impart messages to them that conveys my love, and teaches lessons that they can take into life and be strong, healthy and honorable adults.

One thing I have learned in my journey is that not everyone gets healthy messages. And sometimes it takes a persons  entire life to overcome the negative messages that they were taught as children. And some people are never able to.

Temptress

“One hundred years from now it will not matter what your bank account was, the sort of house you lived in, or the kind of car you drove; but the world may be different because you were important in the life of a child.”

what  would you do?

Come on

Recently temptress and I have had a disagreement on the outcome of the punishment for YM16  Saturday he decided to go into a room and steel $20.00 out of her wallet so he could get a game card to play online when he was questioned if he had taken the money out of her wallet his first answer was no

 Though Monday was   his birthday And with all the kids that are over thirteen they get hundred dollars for their birthday, so I went over to the house for his birthday party.  As I was sitting in the office with temperss the young men thirteen came in excited about being able to play online with YM16card to play this game he then told how much it cost and was $22.00 now the boy now sixteen didn’t have that much money on him he was given $10.00 a day before to go and put in applications.  At that time I was told about her $20.00 that was missing so you put two and two together and you come up with the fact that he, took $20.00 from her wallet.  Since we were the two families the big book of rules state that the punishment should fit the crime even though it was before his birthday stealing is stealing no matter how you see a crime the fact is that he went to her wallet and took money . lied about it two days before his birthday. 

Birthdays are a special day a day of your birth and we give gifts for that . now Temperss and I disagree on the punishment that he should receive she feels that taking his money away that is part of his birthday gift should not happen so the punishment that you should receive should be separate from his birthday we have a disagreement there because I believe that you should not reward money for stealing of money I believe that you should not separate the fact that he stole money

Now the punishment that he got was 30 day without a scooter in three months of no computer and discard was revoked an online gaming account was deleted now for me I think that was too light he’s still got his hundred dollars I feel that he should have had his money taken and hailed for 90 days on top of his other punishment. 

What kind of a message are we sending to the other children that no matter what no matter how hard the crime that they do that they will always receive their birthdays Christmas and Easter gifts even if they did the crime the day before.  I feel that the punishment was too light that he got away with a major crime and that it sent a message to the other children that no matter what they can get away with stealing with a slap on the hand and still receive their gifts. 

What message are we giving these children in life that it’s OK to steal even though it’s the day before your birthday young men sixteen got greedy if he awaited 24 hours he would have had his money to get his game.  But instead stealing was OK because now he got his money now he just has to wait a little bit to use a computer and to ride his scooter. 

Did the crime justify what he got or did the punishment fit the crime         fix

It has recently been brought to my attention that our blogging activity has slowed to a sleepy state.  We’re still getting hits from various sources, but our long time devoted readers are expressing some manner of fatigue from what I consider our AWOL position.  There are a lot of days when there just isn’t anything new and exciting from which to create the essay style entries I enjoy posting.  But as in life, not everything, everyday, has to be exciting, right?

In addition, and for lack of a better word, there is a lot of, umm… stuff we’re dealing with lately.  Not that we haven’t mentioned it before, but why beat a dead horse?  And no one wants to hear us whine and drivel, so if I’ve said it before, I’m not so much thinking I should post it again.  Maybe a large SSDD post each afternoon would be preferable to nothing new day after day?

In our family we’re rowing some very sensitive waters at present.  There are some dyads that need some attention, and some progress we need to achieve before it is truly “safe” to make honest posts about some situations we’re working through.  To be blunt, our life right now is a “let’s just take it one day at a time” situation full of “two steps forward and one step back” scenarios.  On any given day, one person’s unthoughtful quip can send any other person into a downward spiral that can take days to pull out of.  In all actuality, I think we are all raw from the challenges of the last year and right now we feel a general sense of calm with shadows of foreboding.  We just can’t risk perilous opinions drifting into cyber space.

The economy sucks, we feel it in our wallets, and see it on the faces of the kids when they ask aloud why we can’t, why we don’t do a lot of the fun things we did several years ago.  Big’s career has taken a different path, and we are once again experiencing those “early formative years” transition when any profit (if there is any) gets utilized quickly for food, utilities, and survival necessities.

The kids are knee deep in activities – between school, scouts, dance, drama, color guard, robotics, homework, and friends – my rear is nearly complete in its transformation of molding perfectly to the driver’s seat in the family vehicle.  By the time my stint as family chauffeur is over (15 years down, 15 to go) my ass will look like one of those snap dollies, just click it into place.

I’ve been spending a lot of days at my desk, either on the computer or at my sewing machine.  I do a sort of artsy, hippie-styled, easy sew approach to skirts and dresses for the little girls, Jamms (remember those from the 80’s?) in vibrant patterns for Cassanova, and a denim purse/tote bag thing with a flair for saving the lost and lonely jeans of the world.  (perhaps I’ll post a photo??)  But really, what does that have to do with our poly life?  Not a damn thing.  And such are my days.

Temptress actually spent about an hour the other day on the phone talking to a representative from a production company who wants to use us, or our story, as the backdrop for a documentary-type look in to a real life poly family in the trenches.  She explained several times that we are partially closeted for the protection of the children in our conservative area.  So for now, no film contracts, only consulting in a non-specific manner.  But its fun to think about…

So shall we continue reaching for the less traveled high road, or is the day to day agenda enough reality TV for everyone who wants a daily dose of life in cohabitating polyville?  Come on, cough up the responses… inquiring minds want to know.

~ the laundry goddess, October 24, 2008

I found this on one of my sites, posted by another member.  I don’t know where it originated, so I’ll just say “author unknown to me.”  Either way, it seemed highly fitting and all the females at our house were busting a gut as I read it aloud.  Just thought I’d share…

Oil Change instructions for Men :

There is a new short story under our erotic writings. This one is not an erotic story however… just one about souls.

Temptress

A couple of years ago I blogged about M. Night Shyamalan’s movie The Village.  It was a wonderful cinematic effort about intentional communities and the problem with controlling others through fear.  Recently I have seen another movie with an equally riveting ideology, but with different human mistakes.

The City of Ember was released in most major cities last Friday (10-10-08).  The movie is based on a book of the same title by author Jeanne DuPrau.  DuPrau’s premise revolves around a secret underground city set 200+ years into the future after some untold cataclysmic occurrence has basically wiped out life as we know it on the Earth’s surface.  Well, it is presumed Earth, but could be any M class planet. 

The city of Ember was created by The Builders to insure two centuries of life would continue before once again trusting the surface for life support.  But through a series of unfortunate events, the great secret has been lost and now Ember is in dire condition and dying a slow death, unable to support its failing technologies and dwindling food supplies.  Hope comes in the form of two young teens, worried about their future, and uncommonly tenacious in asking the questions The Builders hoped to quell by restricting knowledge.

I learned of this movie through our Emo child, recently turned 14.  She has a passion for fantasy fiction and read this book, along with its companion, The City of Sparks, many years ago.  As I feel I must in many cases, I wanted to read the book before seeing the movie, so said wonderful daughter brought me a copy from the middle school library.  It is a youthful exploration of many adult subjects, and set my mind a’twirling picking apart the black and white of how we as responsible adults make choices about our past and our futures.

Of course, one of my peeves about movies made from books is how Hollywood gets hold of a great concept and then contorts its message in scintillating action and CGI graphics until the original message is hopelessly lost in a mire of adrenaline pumping and mind numbing activity whose only goal is to entertain, not inspire.

I think what I come away with from the exposure here is not so much the travesty of contaminating quality literature with movie style drama, but yet the unforeseeable consequences of people who make choices for other’s lives, even with the best of intentions.

The Builders put a lot of safe guards in place; they thought “they thought of everything.”  What they failed to understand is when you restrict information; you restrict the ability to think as well.  When you teach someone, “that is all there is and nothing more,” most listeners will believe you.  Only the strong will go on to explore and create and ask questions.  And fewer yet will actually DO anything about what transpires in the mind.

To be fully alive we must be taught to think for ourselves, we must be encouraged to probe, to evaluate, to invent, and to continue the process of allowing those who come after us to exceed our expectations.  Holding others to the standards we have of ourselves is nothing more than basic ego run amuck.  To attempt to control another being magnificently born of The Creator, is to second guess the divine intent we will never fully grasp.

As a parent, I am always considering the ramifications of my actions and attitudes on the next generation.  What am I doing through love and concern for their future that may inadvertently cause negative effect for them further down the line?  How am I protecting them now that will limit them later?  And the situation I most want to prepare myself for is the likelihood that any or all of the kids will one day say, “You know that thing (or things) you did?  It was a problem because…”  When that day comes, may I have the inner strength to simply say “I’m sorry” without defensiveness or contrary retort.

Maybe the greatest feat of parenting is not to teach them to keep their elbows off the table or to pick up their socks off the floor, but to aspire to inspire and encourage tolerance and understanding for those things we do not yet comprehend.  And most importantly, respect the rights we all have to make our own choices and indulge the soul an outlet that leads to personal contentment.

I invite you to get your hands on a copy of The City of Ember, and take a day or two enjoying what it felt like as a young person to get lost in an alternative universe.  Of course, you could always opt for the movie version, but you’ll loose a lot of the possibility that lingers only in the mind’s eye.

~ the laundry goddess, October 13, 2008