Like always, I’m not routine about my postings (I can’t stand that much mental structure) but I will post responses to certain meme’s as the interest strikes.

So, here is a new meme I’ve found..  Being the foodie I am,  looks like occasional fun.  Take note of the site for future postings:

http://funcraftsandrecipes.com/index.php/category/four-foods-on-friday/

Let’s talk about things that might not be quite the usual fare:

What’s the oddest thing you’ve ever made with bread?

            LG~ Well, yesterday we made SMACKOs for the kids for snack.  Think s’mores meets a grilled cheese.  Basically, Marshmallow Crème on one piece of white bread, nutella on the other slice.  Butter the outsides and grill.  Kids LOVED it, but it was way too sweet for T and I.  We understand the boys have them at scouting outings all the time, but I’d never heard of them before.

            T~ “I don’t do weird sh*t with bread.”

What’s the oddest thing you’ve ever done with mac and cheese or pasta?

            LG~ I don’t think its odd, but I add in a lot of stuff to my pastas.  I do have a old time favorite from my teen years that includes leftover pasta, chopped hotdogs, fresh tomatoes and mushrooms, and whatever meltable cheese I might have on hand.

            T~ “Ok, I told you, I don’t do weird sh*t with food.  Food is to be treated with reverence.  Some food is weird all on its own though, like snails.”

Is there a food you eat other than how it’s intended?

            LG~ I’m not sure I eat anything as it’s intended.  I’m always changing things up in restaurants, eating breakfast for dinner, dinner for breakfast, and mixing foods that don’t normally go together.  But I can’t think of anything specific.

            T~ I like jalapeños on my ice cream.

What’s the weirdest food you’ve ever seen?

            LG~ Some of most unusual foods I’ve seen are Cambodian.  I can’t even begin to remember what they are called or what was in them.

            T~ Glazed Crickets.

Wife 1.0
——————————————————————————–
Subject: Computer Hard and Software:
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system>activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

The Movie Edition

We don’t always follow our weekly memes religiously, but this week’s TMI questions grabbed me because, well, I’m a movie maniac.  Actually we all are.  We don’t watch a lot of regular broadcast television, but we do enjoy the movie structure – a self encapsulated theme with a certain beginning and ending.  And while television is normally aimed at education or entertainment, movies almost always carry a message, and with that, you can dialogue theory for hours; another delightful benefit of the theatrical experience.  So here it is…

What was the last movie you saw in the theatre?

            LG~ The City of Ember (actually, very good for a “kid” movie)

            T~ The City of Ember

What is your favorite movie theatre snack?

LG~ Popcorn, without a doubt, with extra butter.  Temptress and I cannot share popcorn if I fashion it for my tastes.  I can on occasion forgo my preferences so we can bump hands in the popcorn bucket.  That’s kind of fun too.

T~ Popcorn, that’s a duh…

Have you ever snuck in “outside” food into the theatre?

            LG~ Sure, I’m a woman, I have a purse, and it frequently has gum or other snack type items inside, whether sneaking was intended or not.  There have been times a water bottle or other purposeful snack was intentional there.

            T~ Candy bars all the time.

Have you ever made out in a theater?

            LG~ LOL, ya.  The infamous first kiss happened in a theatre, and there have been a few times since.  Really, in my adult life, it’s a value issue… why pay all that money to enjoy a movie just to miss it?  We’re not kids anymore, I can make out in the dark at home for free.

            T~ (pondering…) Not really, not what would qualify as “making out.”

What is the “farthest” you’ve gone in a theatre?

            LG~ Kissing, hand holding, a little light over the clothing petting…  a lot less than I’ve done in a restaurant.  Really, it’s the value thing again.  I don’t want to miss the movie!

            T~ Kissing and holding hands, although I think there was once some over the clothing crotch grabbing.

Bonus:  What is one of your favorite movie sex scenes? 

Now here is a question we kept discussing for a long time.  Being that we dabble in reviewing adult toys and films there isn’t much we haven’t seen on film.  We both agreed that the adult film industry isn’t even comparable to true cinematic love scenes, so we decided to give you a top ten type answer that comes from both of us…

            Favorite Use of Anticipation (and fondest teenage impression) – Kelly McGillis and Tom Cruise in Top Gun (1986).  No words needed.  Just blue light.

Favorite Comedic Sex Scene – Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins in Bull Durham (1988):  “Honey, would you rather I were making love to him using your name, or making love to you using his name?”

Favorite Hot Moment (and most dramatic raw passion) – Diane Lane and Olivier Martinez in Unfaithful (2002).  Ya, the hallway.  Take me now.

Favorite “OMG I’d love to do that!” Moment – Linda Fiorentino and Peter Berg in The Last Seduction (1994).  Stilettos in a chain link fence.  Totally worth the watch.

Favorite Cinematic Threesome – Neve Campbell, Denise Richards, and Matt Dillon in Wild Things (1998).  Ya, we know they faded to black too soon, but was there anything they could have filmed we didn’t already visualize?

Favorite Sex Scenes Most Likely to be Real Sex – Carrie Otis and Mickey Roarke in Wild Orchid (1989).  Not as controversial, but also gets nods for heat is Kim Basinger and Mickey Roarke in 9 ½ Weeks (1986).  Silk scarves and ice cubes have never been the same.

Favorite Sexy Bad Guy – John Malkovich in Dangerous Liaisons (1988).  Not so much a looker, but great use of deceptive power.  Was there anyone he didn’t screw?

Best “WTF Were You Thinking?” Sex – Glenn Close and Michael Douglas in Fatal Attraction (1987).  Everything including the Kitchen Sink.

Best Use of Furniture – Pianos.  Favorite performances are by Michelle Pfeiffer and Jeff Bridges in The Fabulous Baker Boys (1989); Julia Roberts and Richard Gere in Pretty Woman (1990).  Which leads us to…

Best On-Screen Chemistry – Richard Gere with practically anyone…  Our favorite Gere performances: American Gigolo (1980), An Officer and a Gentleman (1902), First Knight (1995), Shall We Dance (2004), Nights in Rodanthe (2008), and Sommersby (1993) “I know because I never loved him the way that I love you.” (SWOON)

Getting things ready

Ok. Ok… I know we started the whole meme thing and then split on ya’ll again. But it was for a good reason. I promise.

Mr. Big came by his name honestly…. He is a businessman. …An entrepreneur. Back in November he found a candle manufacturing company that he hoped would be appealing to his investors, none of them bit. But I did, I loved the idea of creating candles.

Almost there!!

With a little help from him, Goddess and I closed a deal on a Gel Candle manufacturing company. Fix put in a few long hard days helping to ready the warehouse, running the forklift and helping with setup. The kids have all taken turns helping get it setup and now I can proudly say after many man hours from all family members, we are up and running.

The website in process and we are pretty confident in our ability to crank out great candles, so let the games begin !!

Candles !

Temptress

When the four of us “coupled” over three years ago, we had it all figured out.  We talked so much about roles and expectations I figured there was no way we couldn’t make it happen just the way we’d planned.  We all had it down – who would do what, how we would fill in the gaps, how we would all have more and not less in this arrangement.  This is where I could sight so many clichés about how life rarely becomes what you expect, and how each day is a surprise despite one’s better intentions.

But I don’t have designs to wax sentimental or paint rosy pictures about what I hoped our lives would be; I’m hurt and I’m angry and I’m currently living in a situation that is so far less than ideal for me – or any of us.   I haven’t posted a lot about what is or is not going on in our family, because apparently sharing thoughts, ideas, and opinions tends to ruffle rooster feathers around here.  But since there isn’t a lot of communication going on anyway, I’m just miserable enough not to care if my words raise the ire.  It’s going to happen whether I cause it or the wind blows sideways, so I might as well voice my opinions.

I know none of us are happy about our present circumstance, and I think I’d be safe to say all of us are feeling unsettled and understandably irritable at the lack of resolution to what has been a rocky and ongoing roller coaster ride for the last two years.  I’d even venture to say some days we look further from likely solution than we did when we thought things were unbearable.  I guess it goes to prove you never really know how far you can fall.

What bothers me the most is how 95% of what we’re going through could have been avoided somewhere along the line.  It’s a choice for any one of us to keep their mouth shut, to say kind and peaceful words, to follow through with promises, to avoid double standards, to keep a civil tongue, to be proactive on offers or invitations, to remember life isn’t always fair, to take turns, to forgive the past, to focus on what’s important, to be a giver rather than a taker, or to say “I still love you” even when we’re feeling wounded.  Come to think of it, those things could totally reverse our fortune even still.

I’d love to wake up one morning to find past hurts forgiven and forgotten; to truly be able to move forward without old mistakes haunting us.  I know that it is possible, but I don’t know if it’s probable.  We’re all carrying a tremendous amount of hurt and a certain amount of guilt.  None of us are innocent here, and no one is any more or less to blame.  We all had parts we played.

I had a poly friend once use a fascinating analogy for how poly relationships work.  She said relationships are like balancing on a ball.  When two people are involved, they learn when one person bends, moves, or shifts the other must move in a comparable way.  Over time they learn together to predict the other’s move, and how that change effects what they must do.  With poly, as you add more people, every move or change affects each person in turn.  One person moves, so person two moves, that requires person one and three to move, and that move requires persons two and four to shift, which means person one and three have to readjust, and it goes on forever…  Sooner or later, all four are doing this continual tap dance just trying to find stability.

That analogy is a great visual for me.  It mentally reminds me of standing on the bow of my father’s fishing boat as he navigated the wake.  Not only do you have to have your sea legs, but you have to sort of anticipate the wave’s movement and depth.  It can be a fun ride if you’re prepared and experienced, and those are two very large IFs.   Our quad was totally experienced and stable as two sets of two.  But we were TOTALLY ill equipped to be a cohesive four.

I think we’re  now stuck in that perpetual tap dance mode.  We’re so busy shifting and adjusting we can’t find our stability.  One person can’t stabilize the ball alone, even two can’t do it.  Even all of us working independently won’t do it.  To repair us, to find our security, it will take all four of us working together at the same time, in the same direction, and with the same understanding.  It will take a lot of effort, and I’m quite afraid we’re all exhausted.

We tried for a while, and then one of us would get distracted, or get our feelings hurt, or get frustrated, or let anger build.  Or we would all do those things simultaneously.  Those were “everyone go to your own corner and calm down” moments.  Sooner or later, we’d begin to begin…  again.  The fear I have is that eventually, everyone will quite trying at the same time.  Apathy will set in, or the wounds will be too deep to fathom healing.

I cannot and will not speak for the Big, Temptress, or Fix, but from where I stand right now, tonight, I know what I want.  I can see it, I can feel it, I can put it into words.  My opinion is that not all of us want the same thing anymore.  Not all of us think this arrangement fills the gaps or gives us all more.  Our realities have diverged; our attitudes and outlooks have been tainted by heartache.

What really keeps me awake at night is how four people with such a common goal and vision come to a place where we feel so far apart.   So what do we do now and how do we proceed from here if any one of my loves cannot accept my reality and I refuse to exist in theirs? 

Did I change that much?  Did they?  Did the NRE blind me to certain truths?  Did I sacrifice more than I could live without?  Did I promise more than I could follow through?  I have to determine my own truths again before I can be a part of the bigger whole.  And what am I willing to risk this time to bring it all together again?  And what do I stand to loose if we all stop trying?

How does one go from having all the answers to having nothing but questions?  I’m beginning to wonder if that isn’t the most enlightened form of evolution.  “The more I learn the more I realize the less I know.”   I once thought questions brought answers, but I see now that ignorance and arrogance is the most dangerous combination in human existence. 

~ the laundry goddess, January 24, 2009

The “would you rather…” edition

Would you rather be stranded on an island alone or with someone you dislike/don’t get along with?

            LG~ That one is really tough for emotional me…  I think with someone I don’t prefer.  But that would be a long and complicated stroll down the neurotransmitters.

            T~ With someone, because I think you could come to an understanding.

Would you rather accidently walk in on your parents having sex or have them walk in on you?

            LG~ UGH, neither!  And considering I have no mental recollection of my parents ever being together (divorced since I was 4) I cannot even picture such.

            T~ I’ve walked in on my mother before and it didn’t scar me too badly.  So I guess my parents, ‘cuz I’m pretty sure they don’t do that anymore.

Would you rather be snapped by paparazzi during a nipple slip or while exiting a car without any underwear?

            LG~ I think the nipple would be least embarrassing.  I love being naked, but in front of those of my choosing, not the biased mass.

            T~ A nipple slip.

Would you rather not have sex for two years or not be able to use the internet for two years?

            LG~ I lived without the internet for more than 2 decades, I think I could handle it for a few years, but boy would I miss the convenience of it…  The answer might be different if the choice was sex or chocolate.

            T~ Oh Jesus!  That’s a tough one…  not be able to use the internet.  (wicked chuckle…)

Would you rather find true love or 1 million dollars?

            LG~ ugh, don’t make me answer this from my current perspective!

            T~ True love, of course.  That is a no brainer.

Bonus:  If you had to choose *one* sexual position for the rest of your life, what would it be?  Why?

            LG~ Doggie style, with or without variations, hands down my ultimate fav…  WHY?  Depth, carnage, passion, surprise attack…

            T~ Hands and knees, baby, hands and knees…  nothing like having your ass in the air!

The kids went back to school today.  YAY!  As much as I love my children, I have come to crave my quiet time as well.  I suppose that marks me as growing old, the state of aging when music gets to loud and you just don’t “get” the latest fashion trends.  The most notable of all signs of aging is the inability of the body to resist distress and a slow recovery when it does falter.  This has never been as evident to me as the last few weeks.

In mid November, Temptress and I had a great idea to reorganize our office/craft room.  We worked hard and it looked great.  Later that evening I did something simple, like bend at the waist, and heard a distinct and pronounced pop resonating from my lower back.  There was no pain, just normal fatigue from the day so I went about my agenda without thought.  As the days went by I noticed a slight discomfort when I sat for too long, or as I changed positions from sitting to standing.  And true to my personality, I ignored it.  Besides, Mommies can’t get sick, we’re too valuable to the household management.

The weeks went by and my discomfort became pain.  Sitting was now intolerable and walking/climbing stairs was preferred to standing.   Then came the day when standing was no longer tolerable, and bending over the sink to brush my teeth always came with tears.  The “shower dance” as I jockeyed for a comfortable position was highly suspect by my housemates.  I could no longer ignore or rationalize away the “inconvenience” of being less than well.  

Now under a doctor’s care, I’m doing everything I’m supposed to – being a good patient, icing the wound, taking my analgesics and anti-inflammatory meds.  I’m even having a go with some muscle relaxers.  I’m not much for OTC or Rx remedies, so taking those pills is sometimes a mental leap, but along with my stretches, and support brace, and chiropractic visits, the pysche is recovering from weeks of uninterrupted pain cycles and I’m beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak.

[Just for the record, sciatica sucks!  Did you know the Sciatic is the longest nerve in the body?  It reaches from the lumbar area all the way to the ankles… what a joy, NOT.]

I suppose it couldn’t have been better timing, with the kids out of school and Christmas looming, but then again, the holidays have never really agreed with me.  The good news is that while I’m down for the count, the other parents on duty had plenty of older kids around to help ease the burden of having to wait on me hand and foot, another thing I absolutely detest. All my volunteer caretakers have been exceptionally wonderful.  I only hope I’ve made it somewhat easy on them, as I hate asking for anything, and the perfunctory needs of one practically bedridden independent Mommy type are beginning to grate on my nerves.

On a happy note, I’ve appeased the teenage daughters by spending the first week reading the four novel saga of Bella and Edward in the Twilight series.  Entertaining, if you keep in mind its target audience of young teen females, even if the author recreated her own lore where the night creatures are concerned.  I am still of the opinion that my own twisted soul would prefer a seductive and animalistic Lykae lover to a forever teenage Vampire, but to each his own.  (For more on that topic, feel free to email Temptress about her favorite Lore based erotic fiction author…)

In addition to Twilight, I’m rereading the Harry Potter series in succession, as I’ve only read those books as they were published, quite spread out.  I’m also working on dismantling piles of old magazines and when I must lie flat, I have a handy box of old business papers I’m shredding for Big.  The kids would hear the shredder and come running…  “Are you bored again?”

I have missed so much, been off line, out of touch, and denied access to so many of my sanity saving habits.  I’m itching to do laundry, rearrange my bedroom, and bake something scrumptious in the kitchen (and not because Temptress isn’t doing a good job) it is just that I realize not only men base their self valuation on the accomplishments of the day.  Most especially in the last few days I’ve realized how much of “who I think I am” is based on what I do, and how the completion of those tasks please me, if not in the doing, at least in the presentation of accomplishment and service.  The whole experience has given new meaning to “service with a smile!”

Not that I miss the dirty dishes, but I did miss knowing that my standard, “I love you, have a good day,” was not the last thing the children heard before stepping onto the bus.  I don’t miss the non-stop refereeing that requires a parent on her feet and fully seen, but I’ve found myself humming Guitar Hero’s version of “American Woman” all morning with the lingering vocals of Casanova.  (Guess what the family got for Christmas??)  It’s easy for me to be waxing poetic about the pitter pat of missing feet, but when the munchkins arrive home this afternoon, snack hungry and wound for sound, I’ll once again be thankful for this morning’s bit of peace.  And for as long as I’m forced into a supine position, I’ll be grateful my Temptress is right here at my side.

~ the laundry goddess, January 6, 2009