We are just over 30 days from the third anniversary of this blog and website. I spent the better part of the evening re-reading all of my blogs for the past  3 years. What a whiner I can be. I see a repetitious pattern to  our lives and my posts. Most surrounding Big and his need for open and our on again off again relationship.

Usually he has a set of growing pains, settles down and life resumes as normal for a period of time until he gets that itch again and I get tossed aside again. One big difference this time… there will be no resuming. He and I are done, finished, over. I can’t keep riding the roller coaster of his creation. If he doesn’tlove me, if he doesn’t want a relationship with me, then I will step back and let him go.  This doesn’t change how I feel about him however. I love him. I love him more than I ever expected to or thought possible. He wooed and courted me until he had me snared and I fell into his trap happily and contentedly. Living with him now as just a roommates is now my cross to bare, and a painful part of our relationship.  Our quad is now a couple and a triad with Goddess as our hinge.

After all is said an done there is just one thing I need Big to understand… he is loved by the women under this roof, and his recent actions have hurt them both deeply and affected them in ways he may never understand, each for different reasons, but it’s not to late to stop all of this.  I hope while he is wishing I would take my family and disappear from his life and Goddess’s that he remembers the family all of us have built together. That he remembers some of these children have no recollection of life “before”. That some of these children have no idea that they don’t have 2 mommies and two daddies. And that the women, wives and mothers whose job it is to care for, protect and nurture these young ones want their lives as calm, happy and stable as we can help them to be. The four of us made a commitment to each other, but more than that, we brought these children together and made a family, and made commitments and promises to THEM. And no matter our own motivations, wants or desires, these children come first and foremost. They deserve their family as intact as we can make it, and as calm and unfettered as childhood should be.

We would like to thank those of our friends who have stood by us, those who have offered hugs and support, and those who have offered sympathy even if they disagreed with our ( the ladies) point of view. For those of you who read this blog who have your own agenda’s where certain members of this quad/triad/couple are concerned. Take heed, our children come first and foremost. Tread lightly. While we may be closed/open or in between where poly is concerned. We are a family. And as the caretakers of these young people’s well beings we take our job seriously.

Goddess and I hope to find a way that a win/win situation can be found. We don’t know what that looks like, or if it is possible. But in the end, a peaceful home is our goal. And if the needs of the adults need to be set aside while we complete our task of raising these young ones then so be it.

~Temptress

I miss you…

I miss the early days when my phone would ring 5 or 6 times a day and it would be you.
I miss your late night calls to tuck me in.
I miss the webcam days.
I miss being courted and wooed.
I miss our first weekend away, and our long walk on the beach.

I miss those first few months of living together when it seemed we couldn’t touch enough, or be near enough.
I miss traveling with you. The memories of our busy September I recall fondly. Wednesday in Bristol will always be special.
I miss being your “Sarah”.
I miss knowing I had a place in your life and your heart.

I miss knowing I meant something to you.
I miss your touch.
I miss being near you.
I miss thinking we were building a life together.

I miss the early morning when you would snuggle up behind me after Goddess got up to tend the school time rush.
I miss our later mornings and our later nights.
I miss being your friend.
I miss being your lover.
I miss being your “other”.

There are so many things I miss, but most of all…

I miss you

Imagine rich dark soil; healthy and able to sustain plant life.  With normal climate fluxuations, this soil can withstand sun and rain.  It can go for weeks or days in blazing heat, lack of watering, or overwatering without too much of a lasting effect.  When the climate stabilizes, the soil returns to its former healthy state.

Next imagine a dry lake bed.  It is dead from years of undernourishment and over exposure.  This plot of land has not been nurtured by the earth’s resources; it is cracked and brittle.  If, by some unusual circumstance, this lake bed receives rain, it runs off, taking bits of the bed with it.  These places are most susceptible to being overwhelmed by the elements.

Now imagine a heart.  Given sporadic attention that comes in unpredictable starts and stops it begins to weather.  This heart becomes jaded and cynical.  It believes in less; hoping for more.  It rises in expectation and is dashed with deficiency.  It craves stable consistency, yet receives extreme doses of attention and disregard.

Then the day comes when it can no longer accept the start and stop, the all or none.  Yet the heart is still alive, faintly glowing embers beneath layers or debris.  It can be reawakened, but only through careful, deliberate, and gentle means.  This is not a time to overwhelm a delicate soul.

Be careful, my gardener, for this is the only heart I shall ever give to you.

~ the laundry goddess, February 18, 2009

In a blog post some time ago I wrote about turbulence that Big and I were experiencing and the trials with the our marriage that Fix and I were having. In that particular post I wrote that I felt as if our quad were a butterfly and that its   slowly and systematically being pulled off of  it, thereby destroying it.

Around 6 months ago Big and Goddess hit rough patch, and he declared himself not interested in poly anymore, he thought they should be monogomous agian, and pretty much cast me aside. It was a rough few weeks but we weathered it. During that time I came to a place inside where I reconciled our relationship into a compartment where I could keep my heart sheltered. He eventually came around and things were resolved with Goddess for the moment and our relationship resumed.

Now here we are again, except this time, I am fairly certain this is our last time at this rodeo. Big and I danced this dance before and I am now in a place inside my heart and head where my dance card is full. Goddess and I have come to the painful realization that the quad we had once  reveled in , no longer exists. Late last year we came to the conclusion that we were actually two triangles that created an intersected diamond. Now as we look forlornly at the wingless butterfly, the shell of what once was beautiful and is now painful to see, we realize we are all floundering and wondering what direction to turn.

Fix and I are finding level ground. It has taken16 long and emotionally painful months, but the darkness is parting and I am beginning to see the dawn. He and Goddess are taking small steps forward. She is fragile now and he knows that special care is needed to help begin to rebuild their relationship. Goddess and I are clinging to each other as the only anchor the other seems to have. We know what it is we want, we want the family, the four, the life together that our men promised us. And in the rubble we are holding fast to each other as we continue to ride out the aftershocks.

Big has made it known for quit some time that he no longer wishes to be poly-fi. He finds that to be a constricting box. He advised Goddess that  he wanted monogamy or he wa ready to move forward with his desire to date, enjoy the company of friend-girls and eventually have other intimate partners. I have told Big all along that when he chose to take things to a physical point with other women, that our intimate relationship was over.  I have watched to many friends die of AIDS, my own brother is HIV positive, and  am just unwilling to take that risk. Last week after his proclamation to Goddess she came home very upset from their conversation. I climbed his case for  the condition she was in and re-iterated to him  my feelings concerning  my biggest reason for poly-fi. He told me if I felt that way then I might as well just consider that he was taking that step forward and I should act accordingly.

So be it.

What I was apparently mis-informed about, was that a physical relationship was all Big and I had. He has barely spoken to me, and acts as if i am not even here. We are not even roommates, we have no relationship at all. That is what I suppose pains me the most. I still love him very much,  I am deeply in love with him and I had hoped we were more than sex.  How silly of me to think that.

What I have realized I am to him is a nemesis. An excuse, a reason for all things  currently wrong in his marriage. At this point he wants nothing more than for me to turn my back on the promises made, tear apart these children we have turning into family and leave him and his wife to their marriage and never to look back. But I love her to much and I value what she and Fix and I see as the big picture too much. And I stand firmly planted, holding the hand of the woman I adore and promising her to stand with her against this latest hurricane of emotion.

Since she has refused his request of monogamy, Big now moves forward with his plan of full open poly.  I feel pain at this, pain for being cast aside in favor of the new rush, the new friend-girl, the new intimate conquest. But my pain is so much different than hers. Her cuts far deeper than my own.

She feels pain of a completely different kind. She is working from the pain of the past. A time when she begged him to not do that thing that brought them on this path. A time when his needs and desires were more important than her security and the well being of her heart. Once again she see him chasing the high, the new wants and not caring for the hurt he will leave behind.

The pain  I feel will heal, I said in the beginning of this blog that I had moved him into a compartment in readiness for this day. The pain I see in Goddess’s eyes is my undoing. Holding her when she cries, and feeling her pain makes me want to shake this man an ask him what the hell is he thinking. How can he hurt her, how can be so un-feeling for her emotions and that which pains her?

If I thought for a moment that he was looking for love, romance and a commitment of emotion and time I might be supportive of this. But I know, as does Goddess that he is seeking a high,  chasing the  conquest. He thrives on adrenaline and adventure. And for this I feel sorry for him, because really he has everything a man could want, all he really needs to do is look right here at home. But in the end I am afraid he will continue to seek that illusive high and then will come to realize he has lost far more than he will ever find.

I have been accused of only blogging when I am angry and hurt. This was not written in anger, or pain. But rather in loss.  There is no longer an OPL quad….  just the wings of butterflies.

~ Temptress

Pain in searing waves

Memories of another time betrayed

The words just as fresh

The feeling still as raw

Time does not heal

Nor does laughter make fade

The spears and daggers employed

The wounds and damage reaped

How many tears can one lifetime bring

How many unexpected changes must we traverse

With twisted rationalities

And self serving justifications

Scars and injuries unnoticed

Trading one anguish for another

Unraveling the tapestry once thought majestic

Utopias in devastation

Perhaps the greatest sorrow

Is not sudden tragedy

But so many days outstretched

Each leading closer to extinction

Does it cause pause

Shall one be concerned

For the broken hearts that came before

Or the ones that will follow

What defines the journey

Will it be speed or duration

Or shall we measure adventure

Where frivolity trumps commitment

Ensnarling the heart to a cold and bitter place

Do you hear the band?

Let the parade begin…

~the laundry goddess, February 17, 2009

The four year old has been relentlessly reminding us that today was President’s Day.  She knows this because it is the day after breakfast dinner and the kids are not at school.  (It is typical preschool logic.  Breakfast dinner = Sunday; the next day = school.)  Thusly, if the kids are home on a school day, something big is up.  The something big is actually report cards (teacher workday) but the county uses President’s Day as the excuse to let the kids stay home.

About the 90^th time she came to inform us, “Today is President’s Day!!!” Temptress snapped back, “I know…  and they’re all dead.”

To which our precious lobbyist retorted, “Barack Obama isn’t dead!” 

So, does that say something about our home and the attention this election received?  Our four year old thinks she is on a first name basis with the president. 

Maybe it is just a powerful representation of the hope we all have for our nation.  Maybe some of that hope will rub off on other aspects of our life that could use some new hope.  Time for Change…  it’s a powerful idea.

What do you think is the un-sexiest part of the body?

            LG~ depends on the person, but generally I’d say feet; toes – most specifically toe nails… ugh, shudder

            T~ the heel?

Toilet Paper:  over, under, or what the hell are you talking about?

            LG~ Over.  Definitely.  There is no other way…

            T~ Over.

Have you ever called in sick to stay in bed with a sexual partner?

            LG~ never had a job and a lover at the same time.  Oh wait, for a short time…  but I can say I’ve seduced someone into calling in sick and staying in bed.  Does that count?

            T~ no, I haven’t worked that much.

Did your parents have a “birds & bees” talk with you?  If so, at what age?

            LG~ Mom did…  she used big words like “intercourse” and “sexual pleasure” – I think I was maybe 8 or so.  But she was always uncomfortable talking about it, even now, and I’m 40. 

            T~ Yes, 9.  My mother made sure I was very informed.

What is the one thing someone could do to rock your world?

            LG~ oh, ha ha, snicker, blush…  I would never make it that easy for anyone to know that morsel of info! 

            T~ Kiss me all over…  and over again…  (she sings to herself)

Bonus:  What does sex mean to you?

            LG~ If you mean the term “sex” as in differentiated from making love or f*cking, then it is an act, devoid of deeper meaning.  However, if this question refers to the entire sexual persona, the blending of our whole selves as sexual creatures (the implication of the original link) then I would say the ability to bond ourselves to closely with another human is the ultimate in personal expression and when treated correctly, the most magical gift you can give another person.

            T~ “Sex” means the act of copulation with no emotional involvement.

I got up this morning eagerly anticipating TMI Tuesday, only to be slightly disappointed at the questions.  There was one that looked like fun, so I thought today we’d do something different; sort of make a game out of it.  I’m going to post the question of the day, and I want our readers to reply with their answer as well.  Feel free to leave the reply anonymously if you’d like.

Describe your sex life in two words!

We’ll go first…

            LG~ Feast & Famine

            T~ Fast & Furious

Have a terrific Tuesday everyone~