After 16 months of a long and arduous separation, it is with a happy heart that I can tell you that Fix will be spending this weekend moving his belongings back into the family home.

These many months have been a time of discovery. They have been filled with tears, heartache, loneliness, anger and sadness. But they have also been filled with love and hope. Both of which have seen us thru until we could once again bring our family back together again.  I think we all learned a few lessons, and found out we are culpable in any situation, there is never one person at fault, nor one person whom you can heap the blame onto.

Fix and I created patterns and made choices early on in our marriage, that looking back I can see were not the best for us in the long run. We became comfortable and complacent in our roles even if they were not the ones that we were happiest with or that fulfilled us. Mistakes were made along the way that over the years just became status quo.  In trying to change  some of those we rocked the boat and created a tidal wave of issues that almost drowned us. I think now we both understand that  the people we became were not the people that we truly were. Both of us put away things that were important in order to create our peaceful lives. Yes marriage is about compromise, but it’s not about losing yourself.

Fix and I both understand now that after 18 years we are different people than were in 1990 and we are getting to know our new life mate. I like the person I have become and I like who I see in him. We are in a good place now and it brings me peace, I hope he is feeling the same.

We all made mistakes in the formation of this quad, we have all paid a price and I like to think that we have all in some small way gained something. Our “quad” no longer looks like it did 3 years ago, the appearance has changed along with the relationships. I think however that no matter how the quad looks or how each relationship has evolved we are all still committed to our families, our loves and our children.

This polyamorous life we have chosen is not easy, but then again nothing in this life worth having is rarely easy to gain. For all of the tears and heartache, the love gained and the family created is so very worth it.

Welcome home my love.

Welcome home.

~ Temptress

Sweet Memories…..

We wanted to send our hugs, best wishes and the warmest of blessings to the South Texas Quad and their newest family member, a quad baby scheduled to make her appearance this morning .
Hugs to all of you.

Temptress ~et all

Hello Dear Readers!

I come to you today with a special request.  Miss Academic is in her fourth year of French and desperately wanting some of her favorite literature written in French.  We have looked in our local bookstores and at Amazon, we still have not been able to locate them by normal means.  If any of you live in French Canada and would be willing to hook us up with a reputable bookstore or even ship us a book or two, please email me and we can make arrangements.

Thanks in advance!     goddess@ourpolylife.org

This weekend was very odd and stressful for numerous reasons. Goddess and Fix left here just before dinner Friday for a weekend in the big city. Big and I were left to man the house and the kids. This weekend away had been planned for over a month and I was excited for Goddess and Fix to have some time away together, but more than anything for Goddess to have a break from home and hearth and the many stresses she has had weighing on her of late. I was however dreading this weekend for various other reasons. I knew I was going to miss her terribly, I don’t function well away from her because she is so very much a part of me. But more than that I was nervous about how the weekend would unfold.
Once upon a time, a weekend away for Fix and Goddess, meant a weekend for Big and I. I used to look forward to these times when it was just he and I. I will hold in my heart the time when it was the three of us, but as most of you can understand, dyad time is always special. But there would be none of that now. Big and I move thru our days in uncomfortable politeness and silence now. And this weekend was no different. We each holed up in our rooms away from the other, taking turns in dealing with the kids, cooking meals, and the clean up. As evening fell the kids were tucked in, the olders had movies, computers and videos to occupy their time and Big and I retreated behind closed doors to watch separate movies.

 I started mine after a shower and about 15 minutes after Big started his. As I sat there setting up the movie ( subtitles are a prerequisite for Big and movie viewing) I realized there was need for the subtitles, I was alone. And then a thought occurred to me, I should go and ask him to join me. He obviously was interested in the movie I had, we could view it together and not spend a second evening alone where we stayed up until the wee hours trying the shorten the time we lay in our beds alone in the dark each missing our loved one(s). I threw back the blankets and swung my feet over the edge and as I was standing up a thought occurred to me…… Could I sit there in that room, with him next to me on the bed for 2 hours and not cry, not remember, not hurt, not wish it were any way but how it is ? The answer to those questions…. No. Not yet. I’m still to raw I still miss him to much, I still hurt when I see him. I still shed too many tears over him.
So I climbed back into bed and watched my movie alone. Towards the end Goddess and Fix called to wish me goodnight and tuck me in. I know my voice warbled , and was not near as convincingly calm as I tried to make it be. They knew I was lonely, and missing them…. Her. They both offered to cut their weekend short and come home that very minute. No…. they were where they needed to be. In time I would heal and their trips away would be easier…. They were where was best.
Sometime close to 1, there was a tap on my door… Big popped his head in to return a movie. My heart stopped and then seized at the sight of him at my door looking as lonely and bereft as I felt. This weekend wasn’t easy on either of us. He handed me the movie case, and left with a goodnight and I sat behind the freshly closed door praying he couldn’t hear my tearful sniffs.
I continued to watch my movie to it’s conclusion. And then opened my door to hear the kids in case I was needed during the night. I sat with my book, reading off and on for awhile, listening to Big try to sleep. He would snore for awhile and then stop I would hear the rustle of bed and blankets. Shortly after two I thought of Goddess and Fix sleeping soundly and my mind began to drift to other weekends. To other nights when I drifted off to sleep thinking of them and smiling, knowing they were together and I was wrapped in Big’s arms with him and all was right with my world. But my world isn’t right. I was alone and so was he.
If I am to be brutally honest here I will say that the war with myself that I fought for the next hour was the worst I think I have experienced to date. It was without a doubt everything I could do in my power to keep myself in that bed. I wanted so badly to slip in next to him. To not be alone, to be with him, to be near him again. I was afraid if I did it would be taken wrong and something would happen that we both would regret, or nothing would happen and that would be my regret or worse yet.. my need to just be there and be close would be rejected.
I have told him recently that his actions of late have made me feel like a prostitute. In fact I now feel little better than a friend with benefits. I am lower than his friend-girls,at least he cares about them. I was convenient, I was their to fill a need with no emotional bonds.
But that is neither here nor there. The break between us has been difficult for him because he is done me and yet has to endure my continued presence. I on the other hand now must endure living with the man I love as a roommate, and knowing my presence is merely tolerated.
All of that aside, I so desperately wanted to go to him last night. I needed to feel his arms around me, to take comfort from him and feel him there. But that was a poor choice for us both, so in my place I remained and spent the remainder of my night desperately missing 3 of the people I love most in this world.
They say time heals all wounds. I hope this is true.
~Temptress

This week’s questions were interesting.  Let’s proceed:

Are you pro-marriage?  Why or why not?

            LG~ I think it’s a reasonable choice for those who want such an arrangement.

            T~ I am not pro-marriage in the legalistic or Christian view of such.  I don’t believe true marriage is an institution, it is a matter of the heart.

Have you ever invented or thought you invented a sexual position?

            LG~ well, ya, sort of, but I highly doubt we were the first ones to figure it out.  I can say it is not in the 1001 sexual positions chart I bought on the streets of NYC for $1.

            T~  That would be an “upside down banana split.”  Ah, those were the days…

Do you like to be tied up?  Always or sometimes?

            LG~ The times I’ve tried it, enjoyed it, but can’t say it would be a routine option.

            T~ Only when the mood stikes.

Do you consider online cybering adultery?

            LG~ depends on the predetermined statutes of your romantic relationship(s).

            T~ If the question is referring to online sexual conversation or erotic photo swapping, then yes, I would consider it adultery unless cleared by all parties.

Do you prefer masturbation over real sex?

            LG~ Depends on what you mean by “real sex?”  I prefer skin to skin intimate contact over self stimulation, but I prefer my own practiced hand or toy over meaningless or unenjoyable encounters.

            T~ NO.  yik.  Talk about missing out.

Do you want sex more times a day than your partner?

            LG~ No.  I’m lucky enough to always have willing partners any time I’m interested.

            T~ Oh, hell yes, that is a definite without a doubt, without question, YES.

Do you get offended when you partner openly flirts with others or are you okay with it?

            LG~ Generally, I’m ok with it, but sometimes I think it’s inappropriate or poorly managed.

            T~ Light flirtation is acceptable.

Do you think you’re flirty by nature?

            LG~ Ya.  ‘Think so.

            T~ I have my moments.

I first heard this saying about 4ish years ago. I read it again tonight while I was pursuing the Pyramid Collection catalog. I thought nothing of it upon first read.. it meant nothing. Tonight however I had a true ahh haa moment. I get it now. It sums up the realization of my love for Goddess.

First a history lesson….
10 years ago this month I was recovering from a miscarriage of Feb. 7th and buried in the mental and emotional need to recover what was lost. Fix and I were happy with our 3 kidlets, and never expected to add a 4th. St. Johns Wart and birth control pills are not a good mix if you do not desire a pregnancy. I found I was pregnant and miscarried the very same day. This event rocked my world and I questioned if we were “done” or not. Together we decided there was an empty chair at our table and this sent Fix and I on a journey to become pregnant. An easy feat for most, but for a woman with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, not so. Fortunately for us we found out we were expecting our millennium baby on July 3, and being the computer geek that I was I headed straight for BabyCenter.com and the community bulletin boards. That very day I answered a post of “Mom’s of 3 or more” and by that afternoon had asked a group of 11 women to break away from the boards and form an email loop. This began on July 4. Within the first month 1 mom dropped off and for the next almost 10 months the remaining 10 chatted via email EVERY DAY… several times a day. It became almost an obsession for me. These women were my friends, my confidantes, my lifeline. One in particular I was drawn to. I could never explain why, but it was her emails I looked forward to the most. When Christmas came we were all hugely pregnant and yet willingly ponied up pictures to share for the holidays. When I saw her picture her beautiful blue eyes captivated me. I thought she was without a doubt one of the most stunning women I had ever seen. She delivered her baby, a son the last week of January. And my daughter was born 3 short weeks later. Her little guy was one of two boys born to our group of 10, I jokingly spoke up and claimed him as betrothed for my baby girl. Talk began to turn to a meeting and one of the gals who had always been a bit shy and uneasy with the familiarity of the group ended up leaving us and that left us 9. Until the spring of 2006 we spent each and every day in contact with our “loop mommy” friends. During these years it was always Goddess who I waited each day to hear from, it was Goddess whose shoulder I cried on, it was Goddess who kept me company until the wee hours while Fix worked his 80 hour work weeks. It was Goddess who always had a special place in my heart.
Fast forward to the fall of 2004, the birth of our 5th child. I have spoken before of the pathway to my inner soul this baby created . And of the intense soul searching and journey of finding oneself that I took. It was this period of time that a photo sent to me by Goddess sent my world into a path that would forever change me, us, our husbands and our families. Now I am not taking credit for this lifestyle. Goddess and Big were doing there own changing. But I am saying that this is what put me on the path that me to them. To her.
The term soulmate is over used and misunderstood. I prefer twin souls somewhat. I have always felt something was missing in my life… or someone. I could never explain it, I never understood it. Now I get it. I was always drawn to her. And now that I live in the same home with her I am almost insane when separated from her. She is my oxygen, my heartbeat, my very soul. She is so much a part of me and who I am that I can not tell where I end and where she begins. And this brings me back to the title of this blog…. Memory Believes, Before Knowing Remembers.
Somewhere in the memories of my soul it believed in her , in our love, and in our life together before my conscious self knew . Below is an unfinished story I wrote almost two years ago. It is how I believe us to be. This woman has come to mean to me more than I can ever put into words. I can not leave her, because it would be as if I left a part of myself. I have no choice but to forge ahead, and hope time helps us all find a way to navigate these new waters we find ourselves in.
*********************************************

The sun bounced off of their hair as they sat side by side in the flowered meadow. One golden head with bouncing curls intermixed with the liquid caramel of the other. They whispered and giggled like young girls do, making daisy chains and talking for what seemed an eternity.
Most days were spent like this….. each happy to be in the company of the other. They were inseparable. They knew that some day they would be chosen. They would get a Mommy and a Daddy and they would be earthbound children then. But neither of them wanted to think of that. In fact they had been together so long that they had all but forgotten about being born. If and when the thought crossed their minds they were so sure that they would go together, they just knew they would arrive to their earthly destination as twins. There was no way “ The One” would separate them.
The two elders watched the girls from a distance. Both knew that the task at hand was going to be ever so hard. The two had become favorites, they should have been sent long ago but no one had the heart to separate them and so they were moved to the bottom of the list…. often.
Finally the time had come, there were no more excuses, they had earthly parents waiting for them. Late that night as the stars twinkled and the girls curled together like puppies in the silvery moonbeams the elders softly whisked them away to their earthly selves.
They had waited far to long to separate them, the one was due to be “born” to her parents any day now, the little soul should have been safely settled months before. The other still had 4 earthly months to wait under the shelter of her mothers heart. The elders had never seen two little souls so interconnected, so attached to each other. This was truly the hardest task they has been asked to do.
They wondered why they were not being sent as twins or at the very least siblings. But one does not question the Father in his grand plan. As the elders returned from their task they were uncertain of the future of the two. They knew that the little ones memories of their heavenly life faded, but they wondered, as connected as those two souls had been…. would they be ok?
And so within days of the little soul’s arrival one was born. Her mother chose to call her Holly. She was a quiet baby. Her family described her as watchful. She would lay in her seat or crib quietly, always watching, seemingly waiting for something or someone. Her Great Grandmother would say that she was an old soul… “Look at her eyes” she would say…. “They have stories”.
As the weeks and months wore on she grew to be a happy baby, cheerful and bubbly. She talked early and walked late. She was always happiest in the sunbeams…. If left on her own she would invariably be found sitting in a beam of light happily babbling to herself. Her Great Grandmother would often say she was talking to the dust fairy’s.
But her mother knew better. She knew it was the angels she was talking to. Over her wicker Bassinette had hung a mobile of wooden angels…. She was always drawn to that and could not sleep without it spinning gently over her head. And by the time she moved from crib to bed the mobile had been replaced by a small porcelain angel that sat on her night table. When ever she was out and about, any angel she saw she was drawn to….
Her first few years were as normal as any other child’s, but that soon changed. Her parents divorced and her mother re-married time and time again. Each time Holly was shuttled to a new school a new home, a new state. As she grew to be an adult she did as most girls , she met a man, married and had children.
She was happy, she was in love and life didn’t get much better than that. But somewhere…. Somewhere deep inside her was a place that was empty. A place that she came to realize had been empty all of her life. She always carried the thought that a piece of her soul was missing. She thought when she married that empty place would be filled. But, no…. not even the love she felt nor the love returned to her filled that spot. Most time she ignored that little place. She told herself she had all a woman could need… what more could be there to fill that spot?

Within four shorts months of Holly’s arrival, the other little soul was born to her parents. Melody had the bluest eyes, they were soft and gentle and held the wisest of expressions at times. Melody loved the sunbeams, waking to the light spilling across her bed was what made her happiest. She was a quiet child, but happy and effervescent all the same. She always seemed to be searching for something. Something illusive and un-reachable.
Her parents loved her very much, but like Holly’s, they divorced very early on. Her mother never re-married, and Melody spent her summers and holiday’s visiting her father. Being shuttled between two parents is never and easy way to grow up… but she did it with grace. She always felt like she was searching for “her place” in this world.
And then she married, and had children. Her life as a wife and mother was happy and fulfilling. She loved her children and her husband and she worked hard to be the best possible wife and mother. She always felt in some way she had been slighted by life, dealt a short hand. And she never wished her children to have that feeling. As the years wore on she filled her days with activities trying to fill the empty spot that gnawed at her. She always felt if she were “better” at whatever her chosen job of the day, week, or month was, she could fill the void that seemed to demand attention with each passing year.

The elders sat in the twinkling star light watching the scene below. . They had kept watch over the two little souls, they had laughed with them, rejoiced with them and cried with them and for them. “How can two who are so happy… be so lost?” the one asked. “ They don’t know what it is they are missing” replied the other…. “ but they know that something is”. “ I feel such an ache for them…. I wish there was some way to help them find each other.”
“You know that’s against the rules, we can’t interfere in the plan”.
“ How do you know that somewhere along the way it isn’t in his plan… we can just hurry it up a bit”.

The elders looked at each other for a moment and then an unspoken thought came to them both. Softly they crept to the silvery moonbeam… and curled up tight , fast asleep were two little souls…. A little towheaded boy and a golden haired girl. They held hands as they slept, each with a sweet smile of innocence on their face.
Quietly each elder picked up a sleeping soul. “ We are separating two soul mates again, will this work” the one elder asked. “It just has too” replied the other……..
A few weeks later, and most unexpectedly, Holly and Melody had unexpected news for their husbands, there would be a new baby for each family
As if drawn by an unseen force each woman gravitated to the land of technology.
It was the wondrous invention of the computer that would leave the elders smiling with glee. They had set the stage. Now all they had to do was wait, and hope the two realized they had found what they lost.

Temptress