I fell asleep last night once again feeling alone and bereft even though Fix was 6 inches from me. I had spent the better part of the evening trying to get my feelings of anger and resentment under control.

Goddess has taken some very serious steps in her relationship with Big. Steps that has her feeling strong and empowered. She is proud of herself and who she is and I am proud of her as well. Not just for her strength recently but for who she is all around.

She made a few comments yesterday afternoon that led me to understand that while she has taken many steps forward with Big, she is still in a many ways allowing the time he is here in the home to dictate the time she spends with me/us. I was of the mistaken opinion that there would be more we could count on, but it still seems that time spent must still be done in his absence. No sleeping schedule next week until he decides what his plans are…. no time spent in the early morning unless he is leaving early for appointments or excercise. No date this week, home and family have eaten up that time, but he sure as hell is still getting his date Sunday.

It’s ok if life eats into OUR time together, but can always expect exclusive alone time. While we as usual must work around our responsabilities of home and family. She and I, or She and Fix and I can not shut ourselves away for 4+  hours for a private dinner and a movie. We can not set a standing date weekly where it is expected he will monitor the kids in our absence. We can not take hours in the afternoon of private talk time. Every single thing we do MUST be worked around the home and children.

The opportunity to watch a 1 hour Tivo’ed program only happens if we are prepared for it to take 3 hours with NUMEROUS  interuptions. But his time is exclusive, it always has been. I resent that we do not “rank” high enough to be given these same opportunities.

I was told yesterday that he would be leaving very early for a hike this morning and because of that she could come and snuggle in the early morning with us.

I used the expectation of that time together to try to keep my emotions in check last night. And this morning woke at 6 am with an air of expectancy. By 8:30, I got tired fo waiting. It became obvious that he wasn’t going hiking after all and that meant she was were she was “supposed” to be. It is now shortly after 9 and I waffle between wanting to dissolve into tears or throw something.

I am angry as hell at him. He changed, he is the one who doesn’t want this family anymore. The three of us still do, we are still here, we want this. But becasue he changed he feels he gets to have things his way. We will never be anythign more than secondary, we will always come after his needs and wants are filled. And to be honest I am angry a her. Angry  that she is allowing, STILL allowing it to be this way. She tell sme she wants it to be different, but I don’t see it.

He recent actions where she is concerned will make things better for her where there relationship is concerned. Communication paramenters, rules of engagment, and his treatment of her. But I see no changes for us.

She is torn, I see that. She is in the worst place possible, stuck between people who love her. and I understand that she has to make choices and find a blance within herself.

I am a rational being, and i understand all of this….. but it doens’t make it any easier. It doesn’t make me want her less.   I got spoiled. As long as Big and I had a relationship, I was able to be with her. I had to be with him 99% of the time in order to have that time with her but it was ok. Tv time, or talk time or whatever was had while he either joined us or flitted around working or ??? Becasue he was included my time with her was sanctioned.

Now that things are seperate, she has to actually take time “from him” to be with me/us. This is where the trouble all stems from. All he can see is what he doesn’t have when she is with us. BUt he can’t understand what  a lions share he has and what we are missing so that he can have that place with her.

I’m trying very hard to tamp down my expections, and to learn to live with what she can give. I don’t want to be angry or resentful anymore. We get so little time, I would prefer it was spent in peace and happiness.

Temptress

P.S. Once again my anger won. Loving another person can bring our your best and your worst. Lately it seems to be my worst. My resentment has hurt her.  I htink the best I can do is to no longer ask nor expect any thing other than what materializes. Make no plans, create no expectations, just take one moment at a time and be grateful for whatever happens to fall into my lap.

As is our holiday tradition, we began putting up our Christmas/Yule décor on Saturday.  The boxes come out of storage, the trees are purchased, and the entire atmosphere in the house changes.  For those who say “Christmas is for children,” haven’t celebrated in our family, because everyone seems to get caught up in the giddiness of the holidays.

Along with the merriment is the onslaught of “I want…” comments fueled by overactive advertisers and the fantasy of the man in red delivering presents.  We talk about Santa, but prefer to call him Father Christmas or speak of that character in the spirit of giving.  Our children are very accustomed to believing in mythical and symbolic creatures because Temptress and I encourage them to do so.

In addition to Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy, our family also recognizes many other creatures as well.  We sometimes have visits from the House Fairy (for especially clean rooms) – http://housefairy.org – and at times we leave offerings to the Sprites and Brownies in our home, asking for their assistance in locating missing items.  At other times we are prone to ask for our thoughts back, speaking into mid air.  We happily observe photo orbs, amusingly asking which of our ancestors may be with us in spirit in that moment.  And when we moved in, we enlisted the help of mighty guardians (some might call them angels) with the protection of our dwelling.

We have raised our children to believe in the things unseen.  The most profound of these beliefs is the choice to acknowledge The Creator, to have daily relationship with our Deity.  And yes, it is a choice.  Faith is the matter of knowing something is real even when you cannot see it or touch it tangibly.

We also subscribe to belief in Karma, that what you send into the Universe will revisit you times three.  So call it “reaping what you sow,” but what you are inside, what you believe in travels with you; it speaks of your character, and it makes your heaven or hell right here in this world.

Growing up I was taught about the darker characters and the consequences they face.  “The trouble with liars is that they cannot believe in anyone else.”  “The problem with cheating is that you trust nothing is safe.”  “Ugliness comes back on you, so do right, be light.”

On Thanksgiving Day our family played a round of Apples to Apples, one of our favorite group games.  The purpose of the game is assigning a noun (person, place, or thing) with a descriptive term (liberty, wealth, freedom, glamour, etc.)  For instance, if the term is “weird” then each person puts in their choice of options from their hand of cards.  In a game of eight players, there might be cards naming “Modern Art,” “Ozzy Osburn,” “My Family,” “Cooking Shows”, or maybe even “chores.”  So who decides what is weird or not?  Each of us do, in turn.  The game is hugely representative of the associations we make in life.

There are a lot of ideologies in this world that are not concrete; they are not hard and fast examples.  Who is kind?  Is it the altruistic millionaire?  Or the elderly on fixed income that donates her time to charity?  Do we have to choose?  Or can it be both?  What is freedom?  Is it having the right to burn that very symbol of freedom in protest?  Or is it having the right to marry whom you love, regardless of their gender identity?  Who is a genius?  Einstein, Shakespeare, DaVinci, Bill Gates?  What about the mechanic that figures out that odd buzzing in your HVAC unit?  What about the teacher that touches the creative soul inside a neglected child?  And what is hope?  Is it the one who wishes for financial freedom by playing the lottery?  Or is it the parent who prays over a sick child?  However you define these unspecified notions, it is all based on how one connects with the unseen.

There is a great line from The Santa Clause, when young Charlie asks his step father, “Have you ever seen a million dollars? Just because you can’t see something, doesn’t mean is doesn’t exist.”  And that truth is evident in many areas of adult life.  Everything of worth in our existence hinges on faith; that the sun will rise, that the seasons will change, that we will live through our car ride to work, that our daily purpose is part of a larger picture.

I feel sorry for those “show me” types; to whom everything must be proven.  Our life here is uncertain and we have no guarantees.  H2O can be proven, 1+1+1=3 can be proven, even Newton’s Law can be proven.  But how can love be proven?  How can support and encouragement be proven?  They can’t; those qualities can only be recognized by the heart.  And in many cases, you have to want to see them when they aren’t glaringly apparent.

I remember well a lesson I learned many years ago, “Just because somebody doesn’t love you the way you want to be loved, doesn’t mean they aren’t loving you with everything they have.”  We don’t have any control over how someone else shows us love, all we can do it decide how we will respond.  Sometimes the evidence takes a long time to manifest. Repaying insults with blessings can transform a hardened heart. 

Pollyanna had the right idea.  Rainbows and sunshine and random acts of kindness can make a difference.  The world is a better place when we believe in dragons and unicorns.  Our lives are a bit more magical when we expect goodness from all creatures.  And just in case, carry a bit of pixie dust in your pocket.

~the laundry goddess, November 30, 2008

Why is it a totally rational and acceptable excuse to use a woman’s cycle to ignore her ideas?  If the little woman is irritated, it must be “that time” and if she’s complaining about something, she must be “hormonal.”  Is thinking in this vein even logical in the new millennia?

Between the years of 1992 and 2003 I was either pregnant or nursing all but a few short months – five kids @ 40 weeks each, plus a year on average for breastfeeding each child, so you do the math.  During this time I was strongly discouraged to make any decisions or changes in my personal relationships and I was given, IMO, mere lip service on concerns and aggravations.  The reason I was so easily discounted?  You guessed it; hormones.

And it wasn’t just the hubby and related males, it was the older generation of women as well that shot me that attitude.  Is it even potentially illogical that for a time of nine years I had absolutely no reason to ire?  I mean really, how frequently does the average American find something in their life that ruffles their feathers?  I’m certain it’s more frequently than once a decade.

And why aren’t men considered “hormonal?”  I’ve seen the other half do equally stupid and unthoughtful things due to testosterone.  I’ve read lots of studies sighting how male prisoners have elevated testosterone and other male hormones that “cause” criminal behavior.  And I can say from experience how men will say or do practically anything once they are mid “hunt” in the sexual realm.  It’s all about those quelling those animalistic urges.  Is this the place we mention age old double standards when “men are just being men” and women are being “bitchy?”

Ok, so I’m the first to admit I’m a high maintenance woman.  In addition to that, I have some odd ball quirks and OCD tendencies for which I take full responsibility.   I will even go so far as to admit I have an emotional sensitivity to others around me, and my fair share of stereotypical PMS symptoms.  Fine.  But does that mean I am entirely off base and to be disregarded on all points and at all times, or at least all but those magical seven days a month when I’m just so physiologically accepting (due to hormones again, of course) that I’ll put up with anything?  I suppose you’re welcome to your own opinion on that.

Now that we’ve established our core beliefs, let’s move on…

Given the above has already been wielded in my direction this morning; my level of disgruntlement has only increased in response.  Maybe the fact that for a long time I was much more accepting of bad behavior by others in my life has caused me to now be infinitely less tolerant.  Those once lulled into loose standards do not easily conform to rigidity.  And given my substandard history with important role models of the male variety, lets just say I’m feeling slightly unconvinced that the other half of the gene pool is capable of living up to their inherent potential.

I’d love to think the men in my life would rise to the occasion, but there are definitely days when my deeply southern and conservative upbringing that said, “You’re only as valuable as the service(s) you provide,” kicks in and I question not only my self, but the relationship I thought we shared.  Maybe I can break it down this way…

I’m not feeling well, I haven’t cooked a meal today, or washed clothes or cleaned the kitchen due to the before reason, I’m not up to hanging out or having fun, and therefore I’m not putting out.  So because I’m not making the effort to be social or affectionate, I am not any potential fun, and thereby unworthy of spending time.  Let us just let all the anxieties out of the closet today, and invite back to haunt me some messages from the childhood.

My Father was good at occasions and because of that performed well for major holidays.  My Birthday is in October, Christmas comes in December, and Easter is in early April; but there is nothing special about the months in between (I spent summers with the grandparents), so most years from Easter until my birthday I could generally expect not to see or hear from my father.  What kind of a man goes nearly seven months without nodding in the direction of a person he’s supposed to love and care about?  And do you have any idea of what kind of messages that sends?

“The illusion of love at gift giving time is more important than actually being involved the rest of the year.”  Or how about, “no matter how good of a kid you are, the issues I have with your mother are distasteful enough to discount your existence.”  Maybe let’s try a heaping dose of, “You just aren’t important enough to make the effort.”  That one feels good.  It doesn’t matter where the truth lies, it only matters how the child’s heart perceives the abandonment.

And in matters of the heart, do we ever really grow up?  I don’t think so.  Our hearts can harden, but the vulnerabilities we have as children follow us into adulthood, always peeking over our shoulder and reminding us those messages we got long ago still are very true today.  Or is that my hormones talking again?

~ the laundry goddess, November 2, 2008