How many times in this life are we faced with decisions that have no clear cut answers? How often must we make judgment calls on what is “right” and “fair” and “just?”
Today I caught one of our children in a situation that could at best be considered a lie by omission and at worst a manipulation by intent. It was one of those situations where it would have felt better if the child was a puppy and the appropriate course of action was to just rub their noses in their own mess, but alas, children are not so easily trained as canines.
The challenge came not from a lack of acceptable consequences, but knowing that the best choice for the child put other adults (outside our home) in a predicament. Or worse, another adult’s irresponsibility interferes with our ability to appropriately discipline said offending child. Have I confused you yet? Ok, here it is a little more clearly:
Scout, our young man 14, frequently spends time with his paternal grandparents. He loves being able to be Chef on Duty for them, and I think down deep he loves the fact that their failing health issues “need” his presence. They, in return, seem to be totally grateful that he is willing to care for them, if even on a part time basis.
To complicate matters, Big’s younger brother (7 years his junior) has always had a tough time standing on his own feet. Now at age 34, he’s living in his parents smallish home with his two elementary aged children who are nothing short of taxing. In addition, he is sometimes accompanied by his ex-wife while they scuffle through an on-again, off-again relationship.
I will refrain from my biased discourse on the psychological basis for Baby Brother’s immature lifestyle, but I can comment he feels everyone should sympathize with and tolerate his neediness and absurd circumstances without any recompense. He sees the world through selfish eyes and lives his life in victim mode.
With that understanding, when Scout is at the Grandparent’s place, he is also cooking and cleaning for the Uncle and cousins, or in more recent months, doing a good deal of childcare due to the elder’s health restrictions. For this service he takes no pay, only an opportunity to escape life at home and be useful in another environment.
Part of our family rule is that the children are free to come and go for social functions as long as their room is in decent order. We do not expect perfection, as they are teenagers after all, but we do expect compliance with their laundry, a room cleaned to basic standards, and completion of their one assigned weekend chore. And thusly, we arrive at the dilemma of the day…
Uncle called a few days ago, looking for a teen child who wanted to “come and hang out” with his children while he was at work, thereby “reducing the stress” on grandparents which by all measures should NOT be in a care taking role of children of that age and vigor. Scout agreed, with anticipation, and was advised he could go as long as his expected duties were handled.
Thursday is Scout’s laundry day with Friday overflow. That means he is supposed to put in the first load before he leaves for school in the morning, and continue upon his return home. If he has extra need, he may roll over into Friday to finish. On Thursday morning this week I said to him, “Did you get that washer going yet?” At which point he jumped up from the table, chanting “laundry day!” and ran downstairs. He returned in time to fly out the front door to the bus.
Later that afternoon, I said to him, “How’s that laundry coming?” and on Friday morning and afternoon, other reminders. Saturday morning I looked at him and asked, “Someone else will need the washer and dryer today, are all of your things out of the way?” To which he replied with a testosterone based grunt of affirmation.
This morning as he puttered around the house, I inquired again if he was doing everything that needed before his departure. I was again assured that everything was being taken care of as needed. Later in the afternoon, through another teen’s slip-up, we came to discover that there was NO WAY that Scout could have done any laundry at all this week.
When questioned he backpedaled on a technicality. When pressed to the truth, he became defensive and belligerent. My tone must have escalated somewhat because Big made an appearance, an action so unlike him. I stepped back and let the Father have a go at it. The stubborn Scout stood firm on his verbal loophole, edging closer and closer to unacceptable dispute behavior. He was dismissed until all parties could calm down, but not before I had a last word regarding our intolerance for lying and need for parents to be able to trust a teen.
The parents huddled in the office to discuss the offense. We all felt he was lying, whether by omission or technicality, he still mislead me. He had not done the work he was supposed to do; he had not done things he inferred were complete. The problem was an appropriate consequence. Under other circumstances, he would have been restricted to home until next week’s laundry cycle was complete, but… The Uncle was already at work, the grandparents were already alone with the cousins, and they NEEDED help. We decided to allow Scout his duties, but with some more strict consequences upon his arrival home.
The deeper issue here is how he has broken trust. As the next weeks and months roll past, I will be forced to double check every answer; every task assigned. This fourteen year old teen will now require the parental trappings of a child half that age. But more pointedly, it undermines the parent-teen relationship.
What a teen usually fails to understand is how vitally important it is to build on the little things. If we trust them with laundry, and homework, and grades, and dishes, then it is infinitely easier to trust them with friends, and activities, and cars in the future.
Perhaps it is a lesson everyone should learn, that to be trusted with much you must first be trustworthy with little. And maybe this situation is just a link to the larger issue of one’s character. American Humorist Evan Esar (1899-1995) once said, “Character is what you have left when you’ve lost everything you can loose.”
The young man is testing a lot of boundaries for himself and taking early steps toward his adult character. I have a lot of faith in his core being, but we make a lot of choices for ourselves as we age, and I’m hoping he learns some powerful lessons while he still has the loving arms of his family to support him through the early mistakes. One day he’ll be on his own with nothing but his ethics and integrity to sustain him and the rest of the world won’t be nearly as compassionate as this Mommy.
~the laundry goddess, November 23, 2008
