This link was forwarded by a friend…We don’t know these obviously fun loving people but  just had to share this amazing show of joy.
The embedding has been disabled, so here is the link… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0

I fell asleep last night once again feeling alone and bereft even though Fix was 6 inches from me. I had spent the better part of the evening trying to get my feelings of anger and resentment under control.

Goddess has taken some very serious steps in her relationship with Big. Steps that has her feeling strong and empowered. She is proud of herself and who she is and I am proud of her as well. Not just for her strength recently but for who she is all around.

She made a few comments yesterday afternoon that led me to understand that while she has taken many steps forward with Big, she is still in a many ways allowing the time he is here in the home to dictate the time she spends with me/us. I was of the mistaken opinion that there would be more we could count on, but it still seems that time spent must still be done in his absence. No sleeping schedule next week until he decides what his plans are…. no time spent in the early morning unless he is leaving early for appointments or excercise. No date this week, home and family have eaten up that time, but he sure as hell is still getting his date Sunday.

It’s ok if life eats into OUR time together, but can always expect exclusive alone time. While we as usual must work around our responsabilities of home and family. She and I, or She and Fix and I can not shut ourselves away for 4+  hours for a private dinner and a movie. We can not set a standing date weekly where it is expected he will monitor the kids in our absence. We can not take hours in the afternoon of private talk time. Every single thing we do MUST be worked around the home and children.

The opportunity to watch a 1 hour Tivo’ed program only happens if we are prepared for it to take 3 hours with NUMEROUS  interuptions. But his time is exclusive, it always has been. I resent that we do not “rank” high enough to be given these same opportunities.

I was told yesterday that he would be leaving very early for a hike this morning and because of that she could come and snuggle in the early morning with us.

I used the expectation of that time together to try to keep my emotions in check last night. And this morning woke at 6 am with an air of expectancy. By 8:30, I got tired fo waiting. It became obvious that he wasn’t going hiking after all and that meant she was were she was “supposed” to be. It is now shortly after 9 and I waffle between wanting to dissolve into tears or throw something.

I am angry as hell at him. He changed, he is the one who doesn’t want this family anymore. The three of us still do, we are still here, we want this. But becasue he changed he feels he gets to have things his way. We will never be anythign more than secondary, we will always come after his needs and wants are filled. And to be honest I am angry a her. Angry  that she is allowing, STILL allowing it to be this way. She tell sme she wants it to be different, but I don’t see it.

He recent actions where she is concerned will make things better for her where there relationship is concerned. Communication paramenters, rules of engagment, and his treatment of her. But I see no changes for us.

She is torn, I see that. She is in the worst place possible, stuck between people who love her. and I understand that she has to make choices and find a blance within herself.

I am a rational being, and i understand all of this….. but it doens’t make it any easier. It doesn’t make me want her less.   I got spoiled. As long as Big and I had a relationship, I was able to be with her. I had to be with him 99% of the time in order to have that time with her but it was ok. Tv time, or talk time or whatever was had while he either joined us or flitted around working or ??? Becasue he was included my time with her was sanctioned.

Now that things are seperate, she has to actually take time “from him” to be with me/us. This is where the trouble all stems from. All he can see is what he doesn’t have when she is with us. BUt he can’t understand what  a lions share he has and what we are missing so that he can have that place with her.

I’m trying very hard to tamp down my expections, and to learn to live with what she can give. I don’t want to be angry or resentful anymore. We get so little time, I would prefer it was spent in peace and happiness.

Temptress

P.S. Once again my anger won. Loving another person can bring our your best and your worst. Lately it seems to be my worst. My resentment has hurt her.  I htink the best I can do is to no longer ask nor expect any thing other than what materializes. Make no plans, create no expectations, just take one moment at a time and be grateful for whatever happens to fall into my lap.

I can’t count the number of time one or more members of our poly household have blogged about hierarchies, fairness, equality, or primary status. In fact I am beginning to see these terms as words I would like to strike from the dictionary.

There was a time when it could be argued that I disliked or misunderstood these terms because I was full, I had what I needed, therefore could not see the point of view from the “quad” member feeling the need of one of these terms.

Now I can say having been on both sides, and sitting now on the side of inequality I still wish these words no longer existed.

For 16 months while Fix lived away from home I spent almost every single night sleeping in the same bed as Goddess and Big. She slept in the middle between us wrapped around me. When Big ended our relationship I felt being in their bed with them was no longer the place for me so I moved back to my room, which in the end was exactly where I needed to be as Fix returned home within  a matter of weeks.

Suddenly I went from being held nightly by the woman I love to finding stolen moments and hoping and praying for any time Big would allow us.

You see Big refuses to sleep alone. So unless he is away on business, Goddess is with him. He demands Primary status, he demands she act in a hierarchical fashion, he demands the lions share of her time or attention. Recently they have had some rather serious problems in their marriage, mostly because of the above listed demands. He feels entitled to these things and feels he isn’t getting them.

If he wasn’t getting the “preferential” treatment he wanted then please tell me why it is he has had her sleeping next to him for the last 11 nights and I haven’t. Why it is he is leaving for 48 hours and upon his return she will again be expected to be by his side each night until he leaves again. It could be 6 days or 6 weeks.. it matters little. She is to be by his side when he is in residence.

Do not misunderstand. It is not sex I am looking for. It is the opportunity to have her eyes and beautiful smile be the last thing I see as I close my eyes, to feel her arms around me as I drift into slumber. It is rolling over at 3 a.m and feeling her warmth next to me. It is opening my eyes as dawn peeks thru the windows to see her sweet face relaxed in sleep.

I suppose I should be grateful that we are still living under the same roof. But I ask myself daily how i can move through our home with her in our daily duties as mothers and homemakers and still miss her terribly. My eyes search her out. I ache to run my hands through her hair, to smell her skin, to hold her to touch her.  She is with me and yet I feel completly alone.

Big would NEVER stand for almost two weeks away from her and yet he expects Fix and I to. He thinks because he is her legal husband and we are “just lovers”, he has the rights to her time and we have what he allows.

I admit to being hurt by his actions towards me. But I am finally  in a place where I can see past that. In fact I think he did me a favor by cutting me loose. But what hurts more is how he demeans what Goddess and I have and what Fix and Goddess have by placing us on “standy-by” status. We are supposed to wait in the wings until he is away, and only then can we have any place with her.

And within all of this turmoil is Goddess herself. Smack in the middle. Trying to balance us all. As much as Big’s actions hurt Fix and I, as much as he is “taking” from us, he has NO idea how he is hurting her and what he has taken from her. Why can’t he see that the more he gives, the more he will get back.

I wish so much we could all just live and love in harmony.

Temptress

This past week, Fix headed into the closet.  Not the metaphorical closet, but a room in our new terrace level that was slated to become a walk in closet for Big and myself.  During Fix’s week of vacation from work, I think he actually worked harder than normal.  Perhaps this week back will be somewhat of a break for him; different stressors, but more of a predictable routine.

Due to some interesting scheduling with our other children, Fix and Casanova (now 9) were the only vestiges of testosterone remaining in the home.  So, the two of them headed downstairs to begin the three day project of demolition, design, and rebuilding a space for clothing and storage.  The male bonding time seemed to be highly beneficial for both of them (and my clothing.)

Casanova got to play apprentice and spent most of the time selecting nails and screws from the slosh bucket, handing off tools, carrying supplies, and running the stairs to give the mommies periodic updates.  But there were other times he was hammering, drilling, measuring and marking.  He learned some important safety techniques and the thrill of handing power tools.  At the end of their hard days, they shared a round of Monster golf and a (root) beer. And above all else, they collective, but powerful father/son mentoring time; it was the thing memories are made of – for them as well as the proud Mommies that watched from a distance.

As I reflected on the two of those guys, I realized how much they learn from each other.  I was reminded once again just how much love can be transferred through the actions of others.  And I recalled something I wrote several years ago and never posted…

~ the laundry goddess, June 8, 2009

His Hands

His hands are thick and solid

Rough and calloused to the core

Leathery tools of steel are they

Displaying of years of toil

Those hands go off to work each day

For our family they provide

With his loving care I see

His hands are filled with pride

Our hands are very useful

They do so many things

But his hands hold a special touch

They give my soul their wings

The times those hands may touch me

Leave image on my skin

For when he is no longer here

I can still feel where they’ve been

His touch is warm and tender

His touch soft and like a dove

His touch is filled with passion

His touch speaks words of love

I crave his very essence

I’m addicted to his touch

I long to have him understand

I love him oh so much

I see the time is coming

When those hands may loose their power

Then I can give my strength to him

Imparting true love’s finest hour

goddess, 12-01-06

Fix and I spent our childhood and teen years in a fairly nomadic fashion.  So it came as no surprise that as adults we wanted roots and a permanent home, and yet picking up and moving our family to start over in a new place came fairly easy for us.

Our first two years of marriage found us in 4 different homes in the same area of southern CA. Two more years found us in 2 homes in northern AZ. Then came a move to southwest MI in 1995 where we put down roots and lived happily in the home we eventually bought until August of 2002. This little town in MI is where the 3 oldest kids still consider “home”, where they consider their roots to be and where the majority of their childhood friends, their maternal Grandfather and his entire family and  many fond memories reside.

In 2002 a family vacation to the mouse house in FL brought about an unexpected job opportunity. In the space of 4 weeks our home was packed and our family relocated to the sunshine state. We spent 10 months in a teeny house way to small for our tribe and then moved to a lovely home Fix and I expected we would buy and live in for years to come.

Fast forward 27 months to November of 2005 when we realized that living more than a few minutes away from our loves was to painful to contemplate and the decision to uproot our family again was made. Employment was secured and the move put in motion for the New Year.

I sit here now in the almost unpacked “mommies office” of what is our 5^th house in 3 ½ years since we moved to begin our life as a cohabitating quad. I can honestly say I am exhausted on many levels. Exhaustion aside I feel a euphoria about this move and this house that I haven’t felt in a very long time.

Our move from FL to our 1^st house here was overshadowed by Fix’s breakdown and we only lived there 4 weeks before we moved in with Big and Goddess. The first house we lived in together was Big’s childhood home and while we road the high of NRE, it was always very clear that was Big’s house and he would always have the final say. Our next house was supposed to be “our” house together. Within the first 3 months Fix and I were separated and we found out the person we bought the house from dealt with us unfairly and it was snatched away from us after a valiant 8 month struggle with the bank. Goddess and I felt no attachment to the house once we realized it could be ( and eventually was) taken. The next house, the one we have just vacated, was one Big found just in the nick of time and fit us acceptably. We knew it was temporary and therefore Goddess and I created no attachment there.

This house however is completely different. Goddess and I found this house. She and I structured the deal and with Fix’s help we dealt with the financial issues needed to get us moved in.

Goddess and I and all of the kids spent the better part of May moving small things in, painting, organizing and becoming acquainted with our new house. Fix has taken a week of vacation to help move the heavy things and take on the myriad of fix-it projects he excels at. Together the three of us have turned this house into a home. And a home it is. Fix, Goddess, myself and the children have all said this feels like home and we are all happy and comfortable within these walls and the shelter of the home that has embraced us.

I am certain it has not gone without notice that Big’s presence, nor thoughts on the matter has not been mentioned. This has not been done intentionally, it is an unfortunate fact of our current situation.

During the time of the house finding and negotiation, Big was flat on his back in a fair amount of discomfort dealing with back issues. We had to move quickly, so by the time he was able to move we had already finalized the deal. Couple this with Big working away from home 3-4 days a week and then dealing with work issues here locally once he gets back to town, has left little time for his involvement in this move.

While Fix ,Goddess, myself , and a partial contingent of kids complete this move  during this first week of June, Big and two of our boys are on a 6 day canoe trip with Boy Scouts. Again, his absence is glaring.

He has said that this is “a place to store his stuff”. He has made it clear to the adults he is not comfortable here, and is even less comfortable that this move was made in a fashion that kept our family intact. He had hoped in his heart of hearts that Fix and I would have taken our children and moved out on our own leaving “his” family to him. We are all painfully aware of how he wants things to be. But we are all also aware of the commitments we have made to these kids and amongst the 3 of us now a part of this Triad. Fix and I did not give up after 16 months of seperation, we fought for each other and our marriage. Goddess was by our side the entire time fighting just as hard. We DO NOT take this choice of being together lightly. We don’t give up when it gets hard or uncomfortable. We keep fighting for what we beleive in and what is imoprtant to us.

We presented this lifestyle to our children as a loving and commited choice. We did not bring them together with the intention of tearing them apart. Adult matters aside, we owe them what we promised. And as long as they are happy, and emotionally safe, then this is life we adults continue for their sake. Life is not easy, no one ever promised us it would be. I’m sorry Big struggles now with the commitments made.

It  is my sincere hope that in time he finds peace with this new turn our lives have taken. I feel for him. I understand his bewilderment. And his thoughts of “this isn’t how it is supposed to be”. I feel the same thoughts and emotions, albeit for different reasons.

For me it was supposed to be the 4 of us, we were coupled and were working together for a common goal. My heart is shattered, he has hurt me in a way no other man has. I am healing and finding a peace within. His presence in the same room can at times be tolerable and yet at other times be painfully unbearable. When we are all together in a family fashion such as a day at the pool to celebrate a child’s birthday then my heart weeps for what has been lost.

I wish Big well, and I hope he finds what he is looking for. I hope it is worth what is being cast aside and I hope he knows that my love for him was and remains still, sincere and meaningful. I will always love him, but I know now I will never be able to be with him again in any way beyond housemates.  I wish him peace, contentment, and joy in his future relationships and in life.

My heart will always hold you close my love, but my mind releases you and what was and should have been.

Temptress

The door is closed
I know she is on the other side,
tears streaming down her cheeks,
hurtful words ringing in her ears, demands placed upon her.
I want to rip the door apart,
take her in my arms,
and shelter her from the pain.

But I can not.
I must sit and let the two deal with their troubles.
I wish so much for it all to be diffierent.
For everyone to be at peace with the others.
For each to travel the path that brings them happiness
and compersion to all.

Why when we are hurt do we strive to hurt those we love?
Why when a different path is chosen do we demand others must follow?

I sit now, watching the clock.
The minutes tick by, the door remains closed,
my mind conjours her face contorted in pain.

I hurt for her.
I love her.

During the entire time Fix was away from home I cried many tears and felt pain and heartache during our difficult times and separation. But somewhere deep in my heart I knew he still loved me and I felt that we would find a way to work it out.
And we did.
Now the pain I feel is unyielding. I feel bereft, cast aside, used, and unwanted. I live in the same house with Big and yet I can not look him in the eye…I avoid it all costs. The pain I feel when my eyes mistakenly lock with his is like no other. I hurt in ways I didn’t think possible and I question daily how I can be so hurt and so angry and yet feel so utterly desolate and crumple into a sobbing heap when I am near him. A mistaken touch when we pass each other in the kitchen or exchange an object is my undoing. I gather my reserves each time I am near him, willing myself to bestrong, sometimes I succeed, others I fail… miserably.
I have two people who do love me and who do want me to be in their lives and accept the love I have to offer them. Why then is this so hard, why can I not just move forward and let him go?
When will the pain stop? When will I make it through a day without tears, without feeling ripped apart?

Temptress

There reached a point almost 2 years ago when the arguing and hurtful words that Fix and I slung at each other were said to hurt. They may have started as a discussion, as a need to be heard and understood, but eventually it would degrade into sarcasm, hurtful barbs and all out meanness. Threats, ultimatums, and cutting remarks became status quo.
I finally reached a point where I was worn down, I couldn’t fight any longer and I felt like my sanity was slipping away. It was during this time when I found safe haven in the bedroom and in the arms of my Goddess. Things would get awful with Fix and I would retreat to her room where I could cry and she would hold me. Where I could breathe again and she would help me find peace inside. She helped me to shore up my reserves so I was ready for the next battle. I know all of this sounds awful, but for a long while there was love between Fix and I, but there was war as well.
Fix and I needed to learn to communicate, to talk without hurting each other, to learn to listen and understand each other. We needed to learn to argue, to debate, not to fight. We were good at fighting; we had to become good at communicating. Big and Goddess were our role models. Their manner of being able to talk out calmly and rationally even the most difficult of subjects was admirable and something I strove to do.
We are not perfect at this new way of communication, and I expect each of us to slip on occasion, but it is both of our goals to work towards open, honest, CALM , communication now and in the future.
The last several months have been very difficult in our home. While there is joy in having our family back together again, we are still being ripped apart. Big and I no longer have a relationship. He wants Fix and I to take our family and leave. He feels we are the reason he and Goddess are having difficulty overcoming their issues. He demands primary status from her and begrudges every moment of time spent with us. He wants all of her and full open poly for himself. He is so fervent in his desire for his wishes to be met that he is slowly and systematically tearing Goddess apart. I see what is happening to them an almost replay of Fix and I. Old issues, old hurts, things from the past have finally become to much for each of them to deal with and he thinks the way to fix them is to pull her to him and away from us. Sounds familiar.
Even more familiar is their manner of disagreement. While there are no raised voices and the majority of their disagreement is behind closed doors, the words are still hurtful, at times meant to demean or belittle, the threats, ultimatums, sarcasm and cutting remarks are like seeing the last 2 years with Fix in movie replay. He demands she talk when doesn’t want to or feels mentally and emotionally exhausted, at times using what could be called guerilla tactics. Sometimes I see the pain in her eyes after a particularly hurtful “talking” session and I want to rail at him, but know that isn’t my place. Goddess is a strong and capable woman, but there is fragility about her. One that makes you want to protect and shield her. I know Big feel that way about her, he an I have discussed it often. So I wonder now, is it pure selfishness to have all of his needs met and act in a way that pleases only him that has caused him to step away from his usual character and treat her in such a manner??
He and I have spoke often of his depth of love for her, he has been moved to tears often in his description of his feelings. I never once question the truth and validity of such. And I still do not. But I do question if he cherishes her; if he loves her in a way that is open and unconditional. I see no compersion from him where she is concerned. He has no empathy for the feelings of others. He seems to simply want things the way he wants them and expects others to conform. I never really saw this side of him until recently and I am truly broken hearted. I have seen him for three years as a rock, an upstanding, honorable, honest (to a fault) and loving man. All things that caused me to fall deeply in love with him.
But recently I wonder if I was blinded by that love. Did I only see what I wanted???
I am still deeply in love with this man; his absence in my life is painful in ways I can’t describe. I hold it together while he is away working, but when he arrives home and walks into the room no amount of self talk keeps me in one piece. I can’t look into his eyes, I can hardly look at him at all without the ache hitting me with a ferocity that leaves me breathless. How I can I be so desperately in love with this man when I mean nothing to him I do not know. More still, how could I have been so blind these three years? I thought I brought something to him, I thought I meant something to him. I see now I was nothing more than a means to an end. All of those times we were together intimately I would gaze into his eyes and smile at him I thought the smile I was given back for sincere. I think now it was given for the sake of placation. I was a nice diversion when he needed physical relief. I have heard him say to me the words “I Love you” and yet I now know they were not meant, they were not real. He could argue that he loved me once but that he wasn’t “IN” love with me. How then if that was true… if he really loved me in any form could he toss me aside in favor of the new relationship he had yet to find. How could he demand I take my family and leave if he felt anything for me?
Our littlest was 14 months old when we brought this family together. She knows nothing else. She thinks Big is as much her Daddy as Fix is. He walked thru the door last night after 2 days away and I could hear her from the next room gleefully calling “ Hi Daddy” to him. I had to excuse myself and give in to yet another sobbing session. The pain of seeing him and not being able to be a part of his life other than that of a pariah, and to hear my baby girl call to her “Daddy” in welcome without any idea that he would cast her aside along with the rest of us was crippling to my heart.
I know one day the pain will lessen, I know eventually I can get thru a day with out tears. I know that the family we have all created together can and will be spectacular. And I know that if he would just back off, relax his hold a bit and let Goddess come to him in her time he would be able to find that which he seeks. He would be able to find his peace and live his life in a way that would bless him in many ways and that as a family we could carry on our mission of raising these beautiful children together and receiving more love and happiness than we could ever expect existed.
~ Temptress

After 16 months of a long and arduous separation, it is with a happy heart that I can tell you that Fix will be spending this weekend moving his belongings back into the family home.

These many months have been a time of discovery. They have been filled with tears, heartache, loneliness, anger and sadness. But they have also been filled with love and hope. Both of which have seen us thru until we could once again bring our family back together again.  I think we all learned a few lessons, and found out we are culpable in any situation, there is never one person at fault, nor one person whom you can heap the blame onto.

Fix and I created patterns and made choices early on in our marriage, that looking back I can see were not the best for us in the long run. We became comfortable and complacent in our roles even if they were not the ones that we were happiest with or that fulfilled us. Mistakes were made along the way that over the years just became status quo.  In trying to change  some of those we rocked the boat and created a tidal wave of issues that almost drowned us. I think now we both understand that  the people we became were not the people that we truly were. Both of us put away things that were important in order to create our peaceful lives. Yes marriage is about compromise, but it’s not about losing yourself.

Fix and I both understand now that after 18 years we are different people than were in 1990 and we are getting to know our new life mate. I like the person I have become and I like who I see in him. We are in a good place now and it brings me peace, I hope he is feeling the same.

We all made mistakes in the formation of this quad, we have all paid a price and I like to think that we have all in some small way gained something. Our “quad” no longer looks like it did 3 years ago, the appearance has changed along with the relationships. I think however that no matter how the quad looks or how each relationship has evolved we are all still committed to our families, our loves and our children.

This polyamorous life we have chosen is not easy, but then again nothing in this life worth having is rarely easy to gain. For all of the tears and heartache, the love gained and the family created is so very worth it.

Welcome home my love.

Welcome home.

~ Temptress

This weekend was very odd and stressful for numerous reasons. Goddess and Fix left here just before dinner Friday for a weekend in the big city. Big and I were left to man the house and the kids. This weekend away had been planned for over a month and I was excited for Goddess and Fix to have some time away together, but more than anything for Goddess to have a break from home and hearth and the many stresses she has had weighing on her of late. I was however dreading this weekend for various other reasons. I knew I was going to miss her terribly, I don’t function well away from her because she is so very much a part of me. But more than that I was nervous about how the weekend would unfold.
Once upon a time, a weekend away for Fix and Goddess, meant a weekend for Big and I. I used to look forward to these times when it was just he and I. I will hold in my heart the time when it was the three of us, but as most of you can understand, dyad time is always special. But there would be none of that now. Big and I move thru our days in uncomfortable politeness and silence now. And this weekend was no different. We each holed up in our rooms away from the other, taking turns in dealing with the kids, cooking meals, and the clean up. As evening fell the kids were tucked in, the olders had movies, computers and videos to occupy their time and Big and I retreated behind closed doors to watch separate movies.

 I started mine after a shower and about 15 minutes after Big started his. As I sat there setting up the movie ( subtitles are a prerequisite for Big and movie viewing) I realized there was need for the subtitles, I was alone. And then a thought occurred to me, I should go and ask him to join me. He obviously was interested in the movie I had, we could view it together and not spend a second evening alone where we stayed up until the wee hours trying the shorten the time we lay in our beds alone in the dark each missing our loved one(s). I threw back the blankets and swung my feet over the edge and as I was standing up a thought occurred to me…… Could I sit there in that room, with him next to me on the bed for 2 hours and not cry, not remember, not hurt, not wish it were any way but how it is ? The answer to those questions…. No. Not yet. I’m still to raw I still miss him to much, I still hurt when I see him. I still shed too many tears over him.
So I climbed back into bed and watched my movie alone. Towards the end Goddess and Fix called to wish me goodnight and tuck me in. I know my voice warbled , and was not near as convincingly calm as I tried to make it be. They knew I was lonely, and missing them…. Her. They both offered to cut their weekend short and come home that very minute. No…. they were where they needed to be. In time I would heal and their trips away would be easier…. They were where was best.
Sometime close to 1, there was a tap on my door… Big popped his head in to return a movie. My heart stopped and then seized at the sight of him at my door looking as lonely and bereft as I felt. This weekend wasn’t easy on either of us. He handed me the movie case, and left with a goodnight and I sat behind the freshly closed door praying he couldn’t hear my tearful sniffs.
I continued to watch my movie to it’s conclusion. And then opened my door to hear the kids in case I was needed during the night. I sat with my book, reading off and on for awhile, listening to Big try to sleep. He would snore for awhile and then stop I would hear the rustle of bed and blankets. Shortly after two I thought of Goddess and Fix sleeping soundly and my mind began to drift to other weekends. To other nights when I drifted off to sleep thinking of them and smiling, knowing they were together and I was wrapped in Big’s arms with him and all was right with my world. But my world isn’t right. I was alone and so was he.
If I am to be brutally honest here I will say that the war with myself that I fought for the next hour was the worst I think I have experienced to date. It was without a doubt everything I could do in my power to keep myself in that bed. I wanted so badly to slip in next to him. To not be alone, to be with him, to be near him again. I was afraid if I did it would be taken wrong and something would happen that we both would regret, or nothing would happen and that would be my regret or worse yet.. my need to just be there and be close would be rejected.
I have told him recently that his actions of late have made me feel like a prostitute. In fact I now feel little better than a friend with benefits. I am lower than his friend-girls,at least he cares about them. I was convenient, I was their to fill a need with no emotional bonds.
But that is neither here nor there. The break between us has been difficult for him because he is done me and yet has to endure my continued presence. I on the other hand now must endure living with the man I love as a roommate, and knowing my presence is merely tolerated.
All of that aside, I so desperately wanted to go to him last night. I needed to feel his arms around me, to take comfort from him and feel him there. But that was a poor choice for us both, so in my place I remained and spent the remainder of my night desperately missing 3 of the people I love most in this world.
They say time heals all wounds. I hope this is true.
~Temptress

I first heard this saying about 4ish years ago. I read it again tonight while I was pursuing the Pyramid Collection catalog. I thought nothing of it upon first read.. it meant nothing. Tonight however I had a true ahh haa moment. I get it now. It sums up the realization of my love for Goddess.

First a history lesson….
10 years ago this month I was recovering from a miscarriage of Feb. 7th and buried in the mental and emotional need to recover what was lost. Fix and I were happy with our 3 kidlets, and never expected to add a 4th. St. Johns Wart and birth control pills are not a good mix if you do not desire a pregnancy. I found I was pregnant and miscarried the very same day. This event rocked my world and I questioned if we were “done” or not. Together we decided there was an empty chair at our table and this sent Fix and I on a journey to become pregnant. An easy feat for most, but for a woman with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, not so. Fortunately for us we found out we were expecting our millennium baby on July 3, and being the computer geek that I was I headed straight for BabyCenter.com and the community bulletin boards. That very day I answered a post of “Mom’s of 3 or more” and by that afternoon had asked a group of 11 women to break away from the boards and form an email loop. This began on July 4. Within the first month 1 mom dropped off and for the next almost 10 months the remaining 10 chatted via email EVERY DAY… several times a day. It became almost an obsession for me. These women were my friends, my confidantes, my lifeline. One in particular I was drawn to. I could never explain why, but it was her emails I looked forward to the most. When Christmas came we were all hugely pregnant and yet willingly ponied up pictures to share for the holidays. When I saw her picture her beautiful blue eyes captivated me. I thought she was without a doubt one of the most stunning women I had ever seen. She delivered her baby, a son the last week of January. And my daughter was born 3 short weeks later. Her little guy was one of two boys born to our group of 10, I jokingly spoke up and claimed him as betrothed for my baby girl. Talk began to turn to a meeting and one of the gals who had always been a bit shy and uneasy with the familiarity of the group ended up leaving us and that left us 9. Until the spring of 2006 we spent each and every day in contact with our “loop mommy” friends. During these years it was always Goddess who I waited each day to hear from, it was Goddess whose shoulder I cried on, it was Goddess who kept me company until the wee hours while Fix worked his 80 hour work weeks. It was Goddess who always had a special place in my heart.
Fast forward to the fall of 2004, the birth of our 5th child. I have spoken before of the pathway to my inner soul this baby created . And of the intense soul searching and journey of finding oneself that I took. It was this period of time that a photo sent to me by Goddess sent my world into a path that would forever change me, us, our husbands and our families. Now I am not taking credit for this lifestyle. Goddess and Big were doing there own changing. But I am saying that this is what put me on the path that me to them. To her.
The term soulmate is over used and misunderstood. I prefer twin souls somewhat. I have always felt something was missing in my life… or someone. I could never explain it, I never understood it. Now I get it. I was always drawn to her. And now that I live in the same home with her I am almost insane when separated from her. She is my oxygen, my heartbeat, my very soul. She is so much a part of me and who I am that I can not tell where I end and where she begins. And this brings me back to the title of this blog…. Memory Believes, Before Knowing Remembers.
Somewhere in the memories of my soul it believed in her , in our love, and in our life together before my conscious self knew . Below is an unfinished story I wrote almost two years ago. It is how I believe us to be. This woman has come to mean to me more than I can ever put into words. I can not leave her, because it would be as if I left a part of myself. I have no choice but to forge ahead, and hope time helps us all find a way to navigate these new waters we find ourselves in.
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The sun bounced off of their hair as they sat side by side in the flowered meadow. One golden head with bouncing curls intermixed with the liquid caramel of the other. They whispered and giggled like young girls do, making daisy chains and talking for what seemed an eternity.
Most days were spent like this….. each happy to be in the company of the other. They were inseparable. They knew that some day they would be chosen. They would get a Mommy and a Daddy and they would be earthbound children then. But neither of them wanted to think of that. In fact they had been together so long that they had all but forgotten about being born. If and when the thought crossed their minds they were so sure that they would go together, they just knew they would arrive to their earthly destination as twins. There was no way “ The One” would separate them.
The two elders watched the girls from a distance. Both knew that the task at hand was going to be ever so hard. The two had become favorites, they should have been sent long ago but no one had the heart to separate them and so they were moved to the bottom of the list…. often.
Finally the time had come, there were no more excuses, they had earthly parents waiting for them. Late that night as the stars twinkled and the girls curled together like puppies in the silvery moonbeams the elders softly whisked them away to their earthly selves.
They had waited far to long to separate them, the one was due to be “born” to her parents any day now, the little soul should have been safely settled months before. The other still had 4 earthly months to wait under the shelter of her mothers heart. The elders had never seen two little souls so interconnected, so attached to each other. This was truly the hardest task they has been asked to do.
They wondered why they were not being sent as twins or at the very least siblings. But one does not question the Father in his grand plan. As the elders returned from their task they were uncertain of the future of the two. They knew that the little ones memories of their heavenly life faded, but they wondered, as connected as those two souls had been…. would they be ok?
And so within days of the little soul’s arrival one was born. Her mother chose to call her Holly. She was a quiet baby. Her family described her as watchful. She would lay in her seat or crib quietly, always watching, seemingly waiting for something or someone. Her Great Grandmother would say that she was an old soul… “Look at her eyes” she would say…. “They have stories”.
As the weeks and months wore on she grew to be a happy baby, cheerful and bubbly. She talked early and walked late. She was always happiest in the sunbeams…. If left on her own she would invariably be found sitting in a beam of light happily babbling to herself. Her Great Grandmother would often say she was talking to the dust fairy’s.
But her mother knew better. She knew it was the angels she was talking to. Over her wicker Bassinette had hung a mobile of wooden angels…. She was always drawn to that and could not sleep without it spinning gently over her head. And by the time she moved from crib to bed the mobile had been replaced by a small porcelain angel that sat on her night table. When ever she was out and about, any angel she saw she was drawn to….
Her first few years were as normal as any other child’s, but that soon changed. Her parents divorced and her mother re-married time and time again. Each time Holly was shuttled to a new school a new home, a new state. As she grew to be an adult she did as most girls , she met a man, married and had children.
She was happy, she was in love and life didn’t get much better than that. But somewhere…. Somewhere deep inside her was a place that was empty. A place that she came to realize had been empty all of her life. She always carried the thought that a piece of her soul was missing. She thought when she married that empty place would be filled. But, no…. not even the love she felt nor the love returned to her filled that spot. Most time she ignored that little place. She told herself she had all a woman could need… what more could be there to fill that spot?

Within four shorts months of Holly’s arrival, the other little soul was born to her parents. Melody had the bluest eyes, they were soft and gentle and held the wisest of expressions at times. Melody loved the sunbeams, waking to the light spilling across her bed was what made her happiest. She was a quiet child, but happy and effervescent all the same. She always seemed to be searching for something. Something illusive and un-reachable.
Her parents loved her very much, but like Holly’s, they divorced very early on. Her mother never re-married, and Melody spent her summers and holiday’s visiting her father. Being shuttled between two parents is never and easy way to grow up… but she did it with grace. She always felt like she was searching for “her place” in this world.
And then she married, and had children. Her life as a wife and mother was happy and fulfilling. She loved her children and her husband and she worked hard to be the best possible wife and mother. She always felt in some way she had been slighted by life, dealt a short hand. And she never wished her children to have that feeling. As the years wore on she filled her days with activities trying to fill the empty spot that gnawed at her. She always felt if she were “better” at whatever her chosen job of the day, week, or month was, she could fill the void that seemed to demand attention with each passing year.

The elders sat in the twinkling star light watching the scene below. . They had kept watch over the two little souls, they had laughed with them, rejoiced with them and cried with them and for them. “How can two who are so happy… be so lost?” the one asked. “ They don’t know what it is they are missing” replied the other…. “ but they know that something is”. “ I feel such an ache for them…. I wish there was some way to help them find each other.”
“You know that’s against the rules, we can’t interfere in the plan”.
“ How do you know that somewhere along the way it isn’t in his plan… we can just hurry it up a bit”.

The elders looked at each other for a moment and then an unspoken thought came to them both. Softly they crept to the silvery moonbeam… and curled up tight , fast asleep were two little souls…. A little towheaded boy and a golden haired girl. They held hands as they slept, each with a sweet smile of innocence on their face.
Quietly each elder picked up a sleeping soul. “ We are separating two soul mates again, will this work” the one elder asked. “It just has too” replied the other……..
A few weeks later, and most unexpectedly, Holly and Melody had unexpected news for their husbands, there would be a new baby for each family
As if drawn by an unseen force each woman gravitated to the land of technology.
It was the wondrous invention of the computer that would leave the elders smiling with glee. They had set the stage. Now all they had to do was wait, and hope the two realized they had found what they lost.

Temptress

Imagine rich dark soil; healthy and able to sustain plant life.  With normal climate fluxuations, this soil can withstand sun and rain.  It can go for weeks or days in blazing heat, lack of watering, or overwatering without too much of a lasting effect.  When the climate stabilizes, the soil returns to its former healthy state.

Next imagine a dry lake bed.  It is dead from years of undernourishment and over exposure.  This plot of land has not been nurtured by the earth’s resources; it is cracked and brittle.  If, by some unusual circumstance, this lake bed receives rain, it runs off, taking bits of the bed with it.  These places are most susceptible to being overwhelmed by the elements.

Now imagine a heart.  Given sporadic attention that comes in unpredictable starts and stops it begins to weather.  This heart becomes jaded and cynical.  It believes in less; hoping for more.  It rises in expectation and is dashed with deficiency.  It craves stable consistency, yet receives extreme doses of attention and disregard.

Then the day comes when it can no longer accept the start and stop, the all or none.  Yet the heart is still alive, faintly glowing embers beneath layers or debris.  It can be reawakened, but only through careful, deliberate, and gentle means.  This is not a time to overwhelm a delicate soul.

Be careful, my gardener, for this is the only heart I shall ever give to you.

~ the laundry goddess, February 18, 2009

In a blog post some time ago I wrote about turbulence that Big and I were experiencing and the trials with the our marriage that Fix and I were having. In that particular post I wrote that I felt as if our quad were a butterfly and that its   slowly and systematically being pulled off of  it, thereby destroying it.

Around 6 months ago Big and Goddess hit rough patch, and he declared himself not interested in poly anymore, he thought they should be monogomous agian, and pretty much cast me aside. It was a rough few weeks but we weathered it. During that time I came to a place inside where I reconciled our relationship into a compartment where I could keep my heart sheltered. He eventually came around and things were resolved with Goddess for the moment and our relationship resumed.

Now here we are again, except this time, I am fairly certain this is our last time at this rodeo. Big and I danced this dance before and I am now in a place inside my heart and head where my dance card is full. Goddess and I have come to the painful realization that the quad we had once  reveled in , no longer exists. Late last year we came to the conclusion that we were actually two triangles that created an intersected diamond. Now as we look forlornly at the wingless butterfly, the shell of what once was beautiful and is now painful to see, we realize we are all floundering and wondering what direction to turn.

Fix and I are finding level ground. It has taken16 long and emotionally painful months, but the darkness is parting and I am beginning to see the dawn. He and Goddess are taking small steps forward. She is fragile now and he knows that special care is needed to help begin to rebuild their relationship. Goddess and I are clinging to each other as the only anchor the other seems to have. We know what it is we want, we want the family, the four, the life together that our men promised us. And in the rubble we are holding fast to each other as we continue to ride out the aftershocks.

Big has made it known for quit some time that he no longer wishes to be poly-fi. He finds that to be a constricting box. He advised Goddess that  he wanted monogamy or he wa ready to move forward with his desire to date, enjoy the company of friend-girls and eventually have other intimate partners. I have told Big all along that when he chose to take things to a physical point with other women, that our intimate relationship was over.  I have watched to many friends die of AIDS, my own brother is HIV positive, and  am just unwilling to take that risk. Last week after his proclamation to Goddess she came home very upset from their conversation. I climbed his case for  the condition she was in and re-iterated to him  my feelings concerning  my biggest reason for poly-fi. He told me if I felt that way then I might as well just consider that he was taking that step forward and I should act accordingly.

So be it.

What I was apparently mis-informed about, was that a physical relationship was all Big and I had. He has barely spoken to me, and acts as if i am not even here. We are not even roommates, we have no relationship at all. That is what I suppose pains me the most. I still love him very much,  I am deeply in love with him and I had hoped we were more than sex.  How silly of me to think that.

What I have realized I am to him is a nemesis. An excuse, a reason for all things  currently wrong in his marriage. At this point he wants nothing more than for me to turn my back on the promises made, tear apart these children we have turning into family and leave him and his wife to their marriage and never to look back. But I love her to much and I value what she and Fix and I see as the big picture too much. And I stand firmly planted, holding the hand of the woman I adore and promising her to stand with her against this latest hurricane of emotion.

Since she has refused his request of monogamy, Big now moves forward with his plan of full open poly.  I feel pain at this, pain for being cast aside in favor of the new rush, the new friend-girl, the new intimate conquest. But my pain is so much different than hers. Her cuts far deeper than my own.

She feels pain of a completely different kind. She is working from the pain of the past. A time when she begged him to not do that thing that brought them on this path. A time when his needs and desires were more important than her security and the well being of her heart. Once again she see him chasing the high, the new wants and not caring for the hurt he will leave behind.

The pain  I feel will heal, I said in the beginning of this blog that I had moved him into a compartment in readiness for this day. The pain I see in Goddess’s eyes is my undoing. Holding her when she cries, and feeling her pain makes me want to shake this man an ask him what the hell is he thinking. How can he hurt her, how can be so un-feeling for her emotions and that which pains her?

If I thought for a moment that he was looking for love, romance and a commitment of emotion and time I might be supportive of this. But I know, as does Goddess that he is seeking a high,  chasing the  conquest. He thrives on adrenaline and adventure. And for this I feel sorry for him, because really he has everything a man could want, all he really needs to do is look right here at home. But in the end I am afraid he will continue to seek that illusive high and then will come to realize he has lost far more than he will ever find.

I have been accused of only blogging when I am angry and hurt. This was not written in anger, or pain. But rather in loss.  There is no longer an OPL quad….  just the wings of butterflies.

~ Temptress

When the four of us “coupled” over three years ago, we had it all figured out.  We talked so much about roles and expectations I figured there was no way we couldn’t make it happen just the way we’d planned.  We all had it down – who would do what, how we would fill in the gaps, how we would all have more and not less in this arrangement.  This is where I could sight so many clichés about how life rarely becomes what you expect, and how each day is a surprise despite one’s better intentions.

But I don’t have designs to wax sentimental or paint rosy pictures about what I hoped our lives would be; I’m hurt and I’m angry and I’m currently living in a situation that is so far less than ideal for me – or any of us.   I haven’t posted a lot about what is or is not going on in our family, because apparently sharing thoughts, ideas, and opinions tends to ruffle rooster feathers around here.  But since there isn’t a lot of communication going on anyway, I’m just miserable enough not to care if my words raise the ire.  It’s going to happen whether I cause it or the wind blows sideways, so I might as well voice my opinions.

I know none of us are happy about our present circumstance, and I think I’d be safe to say all of us are feeling unsettled and understandably irritable at the lack of resolution to what has been a rocky and ongoing roller coaster ride for the last two years.  I’d even venture to say some days we look further from likely solution than we did when we thought things were unbearable.  I guess it goes to prove you never really know how far you can fall.

What bothers me the most is how 95% of what we’re going through could have been avoided somewhere along the line.  It’s a choice for any one of us to keep their mouth shut, to say kind and peaceful words, to follow through with promises, to avoid double standards, to keep a civil tongue, to be proactive on offers or invitations, to remember life isn’t always fair, to take turns, to forgive the past, to focus on what’s important, to be a giver rather than a taker, or to say “I still love you” even when we’re feeling wounded.  Come to think of it, those things could totally reverse our fortune even still.

I’d love to wake up one morning to find past hurts forgiven and forgotten; to truly be able to move forward without old mistakes haunting us.  I know that it is possible, but I don’t know if it’s probable.  We’re all carrying a tremendous amount of hurt and a certain amount of guilt.  None of us are innocent here, and no one is any more or less to blame.  We all had parts we played.

I had a poly friend once use a fascinating analogy for how poly relationships work.  She said relationships are like balancing on a ball.  When two people are involved, they learn when one person bends, moves, or shifts the other must move in a comparable way.  Over time they learn together to predict the other’s move, and how that change effects what they must do.  With poly, as you add more people, every move or change affects each person in turn.  One person moves, so person two moves, that requires person one and three to move, and that move requires persons two and four to shift, which means person one and three have to readjust, and it goes on forever…  Sooner or later, all four are doing this continual tap dance just trying to find stability.

That analogy is a great visual for me.  It mentally reminds me of standing on the bow of my father’s fishing boat as he navigated the wake.  Not only do you have to have your sea legs, but you have to sort of anticipate the wave’s movement and depth.  It can be a fun ride if you’re prepared and experienced, and those are two very large IFs.   Our quad was totally experienced and stable as two sets of two.  But we were TOTALLY ill equipped to be a cohesive four.

I think we’re  now stuck in that perpetual tap dance mode.  We’re so busy shifting and adjusting we can’t find our stability.  One person can’t stabilize the ball alone, even two can’t do it.  Even all of us working independently won’t do it.  To repair us, to find our security, it will take all four of us working together at the same time, in the same direction, and with the same understanding.  It will take a lot of effort, and I’m quite afraid we’re all exhausted.

We tried for a while, and then one of us would get distracted, or get our feelings hurt, or get frustrated, or let anger build.  Or we would all do those things simultaneously.  Those were “everyone go to your own corner and calm down” moments.  Sooner or later, we’d begin to begin…  again.  The fear I have is that eventually, everyone will quite trying at the same time.  Apathy will set in, or the wounds will be too deep to fathom healing.

I cannot and will not speak for the Big, Temptress, or Fix, but from where I stand right now, tonight, I know what I want.  I can see it, I can feel it, I can put it into words.  My opinion is that not all of us want the same thing anymore.  Not all of us think this arrangement fills the gaps or gives us all more.  Our realities have diverged; our attitudes and outlooks have been tainted by heartache.

What really keeps me awake at night is how four people with such a common goal and vision come to a place where we feel so far apart.   So what do we do now and how do we proceed from here if any one of my loves cannot accept my reality and I refuse to exist in theirs? 

Did I change that much?  Did they?  Did the NRE blind me to certain truths?  Did I sacrifice more than I could live without?  Did I promise more than I could follow through?  I have to determine my own truths again before I can be a part of the bigger whole.  And what am I willing to risk this time to bring it all together again?  And what do I stand to loose if we all stop trying?

How does one go from having all the answers to having nothing but questions?  I’m beginning to wonder if that isn’t the most enlightened form of evolution.  “The more I learn the more I realize the less I know.”   I once thought questions brought answers, but I see now that ignorance and arrogance is the most dangerous combination in human existence. 

~ the laundry goddess, January 24, 2009

The “would you rather…” edition

Would you rather be stranded on an island alone or with someone you dislike/don’t get along with?

            LG~ That one is really tough for emotional me…  I think with someone I don’t prefer.  But that would be a long and complicated stroll down the neurotransmitters.

            T~ With someone, because I think you could come to an understanding.

Would you rather accidently walk in on your parents having sex or have them walk in on you?

            LG~ UGH, neither!  And considering I have no mental recollection of my parents ever being together (divorced since I was 4) I cannot even picture such.

            T~ I’ve walked in on my mother before and it didn’t scar me too badly.  So I guess my parents, ‘cuz I’m pretty sure they don’t do that anymore.

Would you rather be snapped by paparazzi during a nipple slip or while exiting a car without any underwear?

            LG~ I think the nipple would be least embarrassing.  I love being naked, but in front of those of my choosing, not the biased mass.

            T~ A nipple slip.

Would you rather not have sex for two years or not be able to use the internet for two years?

            LG~ I lived without the internet for more than 2 decades, I think I could handle it for a few years, but boy would I miss the convenience of it…  The answer might be different if the choice was sex or chocolate.

            T~ Oh Jesus!  That’s a tough one…  not be able to use the internet.  (wicked chuckle…)

Would you rather find true love or 1 million dollars?

            LG~ ugh, don’t make me answer this from my current perspective!

            T~ True love, of course.  That is a no brainer.

Bonus:  If you had to choose *one* sexual position for the rest of your life, what would it be?  Why?

            LG~ Doggie style, with or without variations, hands down my ultimate fav…  WHY?  Depth, carnage, passion, surprise attack…

            T~ Hands and knees, baby, hands and knees…  nothing like having your ass in the air!

As is our holiday tradition, we began putting up our Christmas/Yule décor on Saturday.  The boxes come out of storage, the trees are purchased, and the entire atmosphere in the house changes.  For those who say “Christmas is for children,” haven’t celebrated in our family, because everyone seems to get caught up in the giddiness of the holidays.

Along with the merriment is the onslaught of “I want…” comments fueled by overactive advertisers and the fantasy of the man in red delivering presents.  We talk about Santa, but prefer to call him Father Christmas or speak of that character in the spirit of giving.  Our children are very accustomed to believing in mythical and symbolic creatures because Temptress and I encourage them to do so.

In addition to Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy, our family also recognizes many other creatures as well.  We sometimes have visits from the House Fairy (for especially clean rooms) – http://housefairy.org – and at times we leave offerings to the Sprites and Brownies in our home, asking for their assistance in locating missing items.  At other times we are prone to ask for our thoughts back, speaking into mid air.  We happily observe photo orbs, amusingly asking which of our ancestors may be with us in spirit in that moment.  And when we moved in, we enlisted the help of mighty guardians (some might call them angels) with the protection of our dwelling.

We have raised our children to believe in the things unseen.  The most profound of these beliefs is the choice to acknowledge The Creator, to have daily relationship with our Deity.  And yes, it is a choice.  Faith is the matter of knowing something is real even when you cannot see it or touch it tangibly.

We also subscribe to belief in Karma, that what you send into the Universe will revisit you times three.  So call it “reaping what you sow,” but what you are inside, what you believe in travels with you; it speaks of your character, and it makes your heaven or hell right here in this world.

Growing up I was taught about the darker characters and the consequences they face.  “The trouble with liars is that they cannot believe in anyone else.”  “The problem with cheating is that you trust nothing is safe.”  “Ugliness comes back on you, so do right, be light.”

On Thanksgiving Day our family played a round of Apples to Apples, one of our favorite group games.  The purpose of the game is assigning a noun (person, place, or thing) with a descriptive term (liberty, wealth, freedom, glamour, etc.)  For instance, if the term is “weird” then each person puts in their choice of options from their hand of cards.  In a game of eight players, there might be cards naming “Modern Art,” “Ozzy Osburn,” “My Family,” “Cooking Shows”, or maybe even “chores.”  So who decides what is weird or not?  Each of us do, in turn.  The game is hugely representative of the associations we make in life.

There are a lot of ideologies in this world that are not concrete; they are not hard and fast examples.  Who is kind?  Is it the altruistic millionaire?  Or the elderly on fixed income that donates her time to charity?  Do we have to choose?  Or can it be both?  What is freedom?  Is it having the right to burn that very symbol of freedom in protest?  Or is it having the right to marry whom you love, regardless of their gender identity?  Who is a genius?  Einstein, Shakespeare, DaVinci, Bill Gates?  What about the mechanic that figures out that odd buzzing in your HVAC unit?  What about the teacher that touches the creative soul inside a neglected child?  And what is hope?  Is it the one who wishes for financial freedom by playing the lottery?  Or is it the parent who prays over a sick child?  However you define these unspecified notions, it is all based on how one connects with the unseen.

There is a great line from The Santa Clause, when young Charlie asks his step father, “Have you ever seen a million dollars? Just because you can’t see something, doesn’t mean is doesn’t exist.”  And that truth is evident in many areas of adult life.  Everything of worth in our existence hinges on faith; that the sun will rise, that the seasons will change, that we will live through our car ride to work, that our daily purpose is part of a larger picture.

I feel sorry for those “show me” types; to whom everything must be proven.  Our life here is uncertain and we have no guarantees.  H2O can be proven, 1+1+1=3 can be proven, even Newton’s Law can be proven.  But how can love be proven?  How can support and encouragement be proven?  They can’t; those qualities can only be recognized by the heart.  And in many cases, you have to want to see them when they aren’t glaringly apparent.

I remember well a lesson I learned many years ago, “Just because somebody doesn’t love you the way you want to be loved, doesn’t mean they aren’t loving you with everything they have.”  We don’t have any control over how someone else shows us love, all we can do it decide how we will respond.  Sometimes the evidence takes a long time to manifest. Repaying insults with blessings can transform a hardened heart. 

Pollyanna had the right idea.  Rainbows and sunshine and random acts of kindness can make a difference.  The world is a better place when we believe in dragons and unicorns.  Our lives are a bit more magical when we expect goodness from all creatures.  And just in case, carry a bit of pixie dust in your pocket.

~the laundry goddess, November 30, 2008

I’m not really certain where I am going with this. In recent years it seems as if polyamory has taken on a life of it’s own. In fact it seems to be becoming more and more publicised and talked about. In fact I dare say it isn’t but a few short steps from becoming a “movement”.

Optimistic I know… but think about it. As time passes more and more people will read Heinleins book… the internet, personal websites, and the multitude of blogs about people in poly amorous relationships is growing daily. Piece by piece, bit by bit, we are all becoming interconnected.

A few months ago I was searching the web about a medical condition. One of my search words dropped me into a blog of someone whose writing I found myself enjoying. Her issues with spouse and child I could relate too. She is not poly… but I fell across her and enjoyed her enough to add her to our blog roll.

Now I wonder… how many people searching seemingly everyday words fall across us by mistake. And how many of these people out of curiosity read our blog. And then come back again and again.

And of these people, how many will turn to the significant other or in passing conversation with a friend mention their findings. From there on, there is no telling what may happen or grow from one planted seed.

Just a thought or two to ponder.

Temptress

for beleaving you when you said to me at the begaining that thay would never come between us that our marrage would hold strong .for beleaving that what were doing could could fill the empty spots in us so we could be happyer and better with each other …. but all this has done  has pulled you and i ferther apart…. yes you have gotin your spots filled and big and goddess has also  but mine are bigger now then thy have ever been … the new ones are so big i dont know if thy will ever heal.  sorry to be the bad guy……to point out the injust….. to point out the walls…. to point out what good for everone else but not to be for me…..except when alowwed  and given permission……to be the one to leave and to be the one desmiss from whats the only part left to my soul and being … sorry to ask to be part of my family.. the marrage,   the friends.. the quid. and to be part of your missing spots in your all place…. sorry for just needing you and your family …..sorry for not staying calm and quite  when what i say has no meaning to enyone and my presence in a room has no place in your alls conversation..sorry for not just sitting in the corner and let you do  what ever you want….    sorry for saying”  i give you freedom to do this” meaning the quid….. not me…..

I am sorry for you haveing to hold your  true you back for 16 years and never being the true you….sorry for you liveing so injustly that you were so unhappy with the life we had….sorry you feel you need to be protected  all the time and have so meny fears that you dont need me but need  them to do what i could do if i had the permission too … sorry that you dont have the time to show up to our meetings that we have been waiting for for 8 mos..  to try to peace back some of the empty parts ……sorry   FIX  or mybe    BROKEN

My selfishness has hurt you.
The pain I see in your eyes haunts me.
I want so very much to fix this, to make it better.
To turn back the clock and have things as they once were.

I know we can never go back to that place.
The place before the hurt.
I want so much to remember the past and go back to it.
You want to forget and move forward.

We both want so much to please the other, and yet our own actions
Hurt the one we love and theirs’ in turn hurt us.
Will we both be able to find a place of peace without losing a part of ourselves or giving up that which is important to us?

I am sorry from the depths of my heart.
Sorry I can not change in the way you need me to,.
Sorry I can not let you go with a glad heart.
And yet wanting so much to hold you close and bring you joy.
I am confused and tangled in my thoughts and in my heart.

I am so very sorry.

I love you.

~Temptress

Over a week ago Fix and I both threw out hurtful words. Hurt , frustration, anger and fear were my catalysts. Jealousy, hurt, and anger were his.
In the blink of an eye we both became people that I did not recognize and that for the better part of our marriage we both swore we would never become if the strength of our marriage waivered.
But there they were, battle lines. Clearly drawn and harshly viewed. And was the battle over…. Our children. The very beings we created in love and professed to care for and protect. They were about to become property to be fought over.

One statement from Fix denouncing the lifestyle I (we) lived and had chosen together, thrown at me in the form of an all out threat had me running for my computer to remove all trace of this life we chose, our poly life together. It was a knee jerk reaction, and one made with the need to protect that which I hold most dear.

Within 48 hours, I deeply regretted all that was said and took a stance of full acceptance and backed down to the majority of Fix’s requests.
As I stood in the window Saturday and watched as our girls loaded into his car fro a weekend at his apt. I felt like my heart was being ripped out. How in the hell had we reached this point?

I have put the website, the forums and the blog, back online. I’ve done this for several reasons…..

1) To show good faith. I have no intention of making our children’s lives a battle ground. I expect no need of the legal system or the courts to decide their fate.

2) I have every hope and expectation that Fix and I will find level ground once again and put or family back together again.

3) If for some terrible unthinkable reason this does go to the courts. I am not ashamed of the lifestyle the four of us chose together. I am willing to stand up and show that our children are happy, healthy and well adjusted. I can not think that having a group of loving parents to watch over and guide them is as awful as some would think.

So while some would call me reckless and out of sound mind to put myself and our life out there when the fate of our children could be in question. I am willing to stand up, hold my head high and show anyone who asks just how wonderful “our poly life” really is.

Temptress