This past week, Fix headed into the closet.  Not the metaphorical closet, but a room in our new terrace level that was slated to become a walk in closet for Big and myself.  During Fix’s week of vacation from work, I think he actually worked harder than normal.  Perhaps this week back will be somewhat of a break for him; different stressors, but more of a predictable routine.

Due to some interesting scheduling with our other children, Fix and Casanova (now 9) were the only vestiges of testosterone remaining in the home.  So, the two of them headed downstairs to begin the three day project of demolition, design, and rebuilding a space for clothing and storage.  The male bonding time seemed to be highly beneficial for both of them (and my clothing.)

Casanova got to play apprentice and spent most of the time selecting nails and screws from the slosh bucket, handing off tools, carrying supplies, and running the stairs to give the mommies periodic updates.  But there were other times he was hammering, drilling, measuring and marking.  He learned some important safety techniques and the thrill of handing power tools.  At the end of their hard days, they shared a round of Monster golf and a (root) beer. And above all else, they collective, but powerful father/son mentoring time; it was the thing memories are made of – for them as well as the proud Mommies that watched from a distance.

As I reflected on the two of those guys, I realized how much they learn from each other.  I was reminded once again just how much love can be transferred through the actions of others.  And I recalled something I wrote several years ago and never posted…

~ the laundry goddess, June 8, 2009

His Hands

His hands are thick and solid

Rough and calloused to the core

Leathery tools of steel are they

Displaying of years of toil

Those hands go off to work each day

For our family they provide

With his loving care I see

His hands are filled with pride

Our hands are very useful

They do so many things

But his hands hold a special touch

They give my soul their wings

The times those hands may touch me

Leave image on my skin

For when he is no longer here

I can still feel where they’ve been

His touch is warm and tender

His touch soft and like a dove

His touch is filled with passion

His touch speaks words of love

I crave his very essence

I’m addicted to his touch

I long to have him understand

I love him oh so much

I see the time is coming

When those hands may loose their power

Then I can give my strength to him

Imparting true love’s finest hour

goddess, 12-01-06

Fix and I spent our childhood and teen years in a fairly nomadic fashion.  So it came as no surprise that as adults we wanted roots and a permanent home, and yet picking up and moving our family to start over in a new place came fairly easy for us.

Our first two years of marriage found us in 4 different homes in the same area of southern CA. Two more years found us in 2 homes in northern AZ. Then came a move to southwest MI in 1995 where we put down roots and lived happily in the home we eventually bought until August of 2002. This little town in MI is where the 3 oldest kids still consider “home”, where they consider their roots to be and where the majority of their childhood friends, their maternal Grandfather and his entire family and  many fond memories reside.

In 2002 a family vacation to the mouse house in FL brought about an unexpected job opportunity. In the space of 4 weeks our home was packed and our family relocated to the sunshine state. We spent 10 months in a teeny house way to small for our tribe and then moved to a lovely home Fix and I expected we would buy and live in for years to come.

Fast forward 27 months to November of 2005 when we realized that living more than a few minutes away from our loves was to painful to contemplate and the decision to uproot our family again was made. Employment was secured and the move put in motion for the New Year.

I sit here now in the almost unpacked “mommies office” of what is our 5^th house in 3 ½ years since we moved to begin our life as a cohabitating quad. I can honestly say I am exhausted on many levels. Exhaustion aside I feel a euphoria about this move and this house that I haven’t felt in a very long time.

Our move from FL to our 1^st house here was overshadowed by Fix’s breakdown and we only lived there 4 weeks before we moved in with Big and Goddess. The first house we lived in together was Big’s childhood home and while we road the high of NRE, it was always very clear that was Big’s house and he would always have the final say. Our next house was supposed to be “our” house together. Within the first 3 months Fix and I were separated and we found out the person we bought the house from dealt with us unfairly and it was snatched away from us after a valiant 8 month struggle with the bank. Goddess and I felt no attachment to the house once we realized it could be ( and eventually was) taken. The next house, the one we have just vacated, was one Big found just in the nick of time and fit us acceptably. We knew it was temporary and therefore Goddess and I created no attachment there.

This house however is completely different. Goddess and I found this house. She and I structured the deal and with Fix’s help we dealt with the financial issues needed to get us moved in.

Goddess and I and all of the kids spent the better part of May moving small things in, painting, organizing and becoming acquainted with our new house. Fix has taken a week of vacation to help move the heavy things and take on the myriad of fix-it projects he excels at. Together the three of us have turned this house into a home. And a home it is. Fix, Goddess, myself and the children have all said this feels like home and we are all happy and comfortable within these walls and the shelter of the home that has embraced us.

I am certain it has not gone without notice that Big’s presence, nor thoughts on the matter has not been mentioned. This has not been done intentionally, it is an unfortunate fact of our current situation.

During the time of the house finding and negotiation, Big was flat on his back in a fair amount of discomfort dealing with back issues. We had to move quickly, so by the time he was able to move we had already finalized the deal. Couple this with Big working away from home 3-4 days a week and then dealing with work issues here locally once he gets back to town, has left little time for his involvement in this move.

While Fix ,Goddess, myself , and a partial contingent of kids complete this move  during this first week of June, Big and two of our boys are on a 6 day canoe trip with Boy Scouts. Again, his absence is glaring.

He has said that this is “a place to store his stuff”. He has made it clear to the adults he is not comfortable here, and is even less comfortable that this move was made in a fashion that kept our family intact. He had hoped in his heart of hearts that Fix and I would have taken our children and moved out on our own leaving “his” family to him. We are all painfully aware of how he wants things to be. But we are all also aware of the commitments we have made to these kids and amongst the 3 of us now a part of this Triad. Fix and I did not give up after 16 months of seperation, we fought for each other and our marriage. Goddess was by our side the entire time fighting just as hard. We DO NOT take this choice of being together lightly. We don’t give up when it gets hard or uncomfortable. We keep fighting for what we beleive in and what is imoprtant to us.

We presented this lifestyle to our children as a loving and commited choice. We did not bring them together with the intention of tearing them apart. Adult matters aside, we owe them what we promised. And as long as they are happy, and emotionally safe, then this is life we adults continue for their sake. Life is not easy, no one ever promised us it would be. I’m sorry Big struggles now with the commitments made.

It  is my sincere hope that in time he finds peace with this new turn our lives have taken. I feel for him. I understand his bewilderment. And his thoughts of “this isn’t how it is supposed to be”. I feel the same thoughts and emotions, albeit for different reasons.

For me it was supposed to be the 4 of us, we were coupled and were working together for a common goal. My heart is shattered, he has hurt me in a way no other man has. I am healing and finding a peace within. His presence in the same room can at times be tolerable and yet at other times be painfully unbearable. When we are all together in a family fashion such as a day at the pool to celebrate a child’s birthday then my heart weeps for what has been lost.

I wish Big well, and I hope he finds what he is looking for. I hope it is worth what is being cast aside and I hope he knows that my love for him was and remains still, sincere and meaningful. I will always love him, but I know now I will never be able to be with him again in any way beyond housemates.  I wish him peace, contentment, and joy in his future relationships and in life.

My heart will always hold you close my love, but my mind releases you and what was and should have been.

Temptress

During the entire time Fix was away from home I cried many tears and felt pain and heartache during our difficult times and separation. But somewhere deep in my heart I knew he still loved me and I felt that we would find a way to work it out.
And we did.
Now the pain I feel is unyielding. I feel bereft, cast aside, used, and unwanted. I live in the same house with Big and yet I can not look him in the eye…I avoid it all costs. The pain I feel when my eyes mistakenly lock with his is like no other. I hurt in ways I didn’t think possible and I question daily how I can be so hurt and so angry and yet feel so utterly desolate and crumple into a sobbing heap when I am near him. A mistaken touch when we pass each other in the kitchen or exchange an object is my undoing. I gather my reserves each time I am near him, willing myself to bestrong, sometimes I succeed, others I fail… miserably.
I have two people who do love me and who do want me to be in their lives and accept the love I have to offer them. Why then is this so hard, why can I not just move forward and let him go?
When will the pain stop? When will I make it through a day without tears, without feeling ripped apart?

Temptress

This morning one of our chicks is taking a huge leap from home and away from the protective shelter of our nest.
Miss Academic is jetting away on a school trip for the next 9 days to Greece.
We are all pleased and excited for her to be able to have this wonderful opportunity, but we would not be mothers if there were not trepidation over this journey.
One of our younglings is traveling half a world away, far from our reach… she goes with our love and our blessings.
We hope each of you will take a moment over the next 9 days to send her a bit of heartfelt good energy to help us keep her safe.

Have a wonderful time darling ! We love you….

The Mommies

The Movie Edition

We don’t always follow our weekly memes religiously, but this week’s TMI questions grabbed me because, well, I’m a movie maniac.  Actually we all are.  We don’t watch a lot of regular broadcast television, but we do enjoy the movie structure – a self encapsulated theme with a certain beginning and ending.  And while television is normally aimed at education or entertainment, movies almost always carry a message, and with that, you can dialogue theory for hours; another delightful benefit of the theatrical experience.  So here it is…

What was the last movie you saw in the theatre?

            LG~ The City of Ember (actually, very good for a “kid” movie)

            T~ The City of Ember

What is your favorite movie theatre snack?

LG~ Popcorn, without a doubt, with extra butter.  Temptress and I cannot share popcorn if I fashion it for my tastes.  I can on occasion forgo my preferences so we can bump hands in the popcorn bucket.  That’s kind of fun too.

T~ Popcorn, that’s a duh…

Have you ever snuck in “outside” food into the theatre?

            LG~ Sure, I’m a woman, I have a purse, and it frequently has gum or other snack type items inside, whether sneaking was intended or not.  There have been times a water bottle or other purposeful snack was intentional there.

            T~ Candy bars all the time.

Have you ever made out in a theater?

            LG~ LOL, ya.  The infamous first kiss happened in a theatre, and there have been a few times since.  Really, in my adult life, it’s a value issue… why pay all that money to enjoy a movie just to miss it?  We’re not kids anymore, I can make out in the dark at home for free.

            T~ (pondering…) Not really, not what would qualify as “making out.”

What is the “farthest” you’ve gone in a theatre?

            LG~ Kissing, hand holding, a little light over the clothing petting…  a lot less than I’ve done in a restaurant.  Really, it’s the value thing again.  I don’t want to miss the movie!

            T~ Kissing and holding hands, although I think there was once some over the clothing crotch grabbing.

Bonus:  What is one of your favorite movie sex scenes? 

Now here is a question we kept discussing for a long time.  Being that we dabble in reviewing adult toys and films there isn’t much we haven’t seen on film.  We both agreed that the adult film industry isn’t even comparable to true cinematic love scenes, so we decided to give you a top ten type answer that comes from both of us…

            Favorite Use of Anticipation (and fondest teenage impression) – Kelly McGillis and Tom Cruise in Top Gun (1986).  No words needed.  Just blue light.

Favorite Comedic Sex Scene – Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins in Bull Durham (1988):  “Honey, would you rather I were making love to him using your name, or making love to you using his name?”

Favorite Hot Moment (and most dramatic raw passion) – Diane Lane and Olivier Martinez in Unfaithful (2002).  Ya, the hallway.  Take me now.

Favorite “OMG I’d love to do that!” Moment – Linda Fiorentino and Peter Berg in The Last Seduction (1994).  Stilettos in a chain link fence.  Totally worth the watch.

Favorite Cinematic Threesome – Neve Campbell, Denise Richards, and Matt Dillon in Wild Things (1998).  Ya, we know they faded to black too soon, but was there anything they could have filmed we didn’t already visualize?

Favorite Sex Scenes Most Likely to be Real Sex – Carrie Otis and Mickey Roarke in Wild Orchid (1989).  Not as controversial, but also gets nods for heat is Kim Basinger and Mickey Roarke in 9 ½ Weeks (1986).  Silk scarves and ice cubes have never been the same.

Favorite Sexy Bad Guy – John Malkovich in Dangerous Liaisons (1988).  Not so much a looker, but great use of deceptive power.  Was there anyone he didn’t screw?

Best “WTF Were You Thinking?” Sex – Glenn Close and Michael Douglas in Fatal Attraction (1987).  Everything including the Kitchen Sink.

Best Use of Furniture – Pianos.  Favorite performances are by Michelle Pfeiffer and Jeff Bridges in The Fabulous Baker Boys (1989); Julia Roberts and Richard Gere in Pretty Woman (1990).  Which leads us to…

Best On-Screen Chemistry – Richard Gere with practically anyone…  Our favorite Gere performances: American Gigolo (1980), An Officer and a Gentleman (1902), First Knight (1995), Shall We Dance (2004), Nights in Rodanthe (2008), and Sommersby (1993) “I know because I never loved him the way that I love you.” (SWOON)

Happy New Year!

Last week was “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year,” but what are your favorite 2008 memories?           

            LG~ Can’t say ’08 was one of the better ones overall, but I have fond memories of moving into this house (however temporary), an enjoyable “end of the school year” Luau, some cherished moments with friends, watching my daughter’s color guard performances, lost teeth, chorus and band concerts, and those scattered but incredible mommy moments that make the not so good times totally worthwhile.

            T~ My favorite memory was spending the summer at the pool with the children and having the opportunity to host our exchange students.  Also, the whole pumpkin carving afternoon was a blast.

What is the best thing you learned in 2008?

            LG~ That I’m tougher than I think, emotionally, and indeed, that which does not kill us makes us stronger (but not always better.)

            T~ How I think things are can differ greatly from other people’s perspective.

On a scale of 1-10, how good was your 2008?

            LG~ 4, give or take a number

            T~ 6, it had its moments

What is your wish for 2009?  What is your wish for someone else for 2009?

            LG~ My wish for myself is the same as I wish for everyone… finding that inner balance between what’s best for self and what’s best for the larger whole, then experiencing that reality in harmony.

            T~ My wish is to be settled.  I wish for someone else to find what they are looking for.

Where was the first place you ever passionately kissed?

            LG~ In the back of a movie theatre, Ocala, FL circa 1982; even now I can’t watch “Trading Places” without smiling.

T~ (smile, blush) In a car…

Bonus:  Do you make New Year’s Resolutions?  What is/are yours for 2009?

            LG~ Usually, yes; but I’ve been distracted so far this season, so I’m working on them…  They will be something in line with my “wish” stated above.

            T~ Yes, I make them occasionally, but I rarely end up sticking to them.  So this year I’d say I want to “get healthy.”  I’m not going to say “loose weight,” but I really want to find myself healthier this year.

Today Fix was at the house hanging out with us, helping work on a few things around the house, having dinner, and playing around with the kids.  Casanova (YM8) came through the dinning area after dinner with a bandana on his arm like a sling, announcing he had a broken arm.  Then he proceeded to take it off and use it for a parachute, launching some appropriately sized boy toys over the banister into the foyer below.

Fix decide he was going to make The Most Amazing Parachute Ever and then he calls to Casanova and says, “Bring me your G.I. Joe!” 

“Huh?  What’s that?”  says the boy.

Fix replies aghast, “What do you mean, “What’s that?”  It’s G.I. JOE!  Everybody knows what G.I. Joe is.  What’s wrong here?”  We could hear him huff from the other room.  Temptress and I began to chuckle from our office.

Our families have had such different backgrounds; I honestly never thought to introduce the boy to G.I. Joe.  His two older brothers didn’t have such toys either.  No guns, no green army men, and no other types of military or war items.  In fact, the closest thing to cowboys and Indians they ever got was Toy Story’s Buzz and Woody.  Not that I’m against these toys, (ok, I’m a passivist, so maybe I influenced that a little, but…) they just didn’t ever enter the picture as something I would have chosen for them, nor did they ever ask for such.

I was raised in a house of women.  No brothers, no father, not even any uncles, cousins, or boy friends that were around enough to have any type of influence in gender roles for this little girl.  I was always immersed in “feminine” play things:  baby dolls, Barbie, Holly Hobbie, and Easy Bake Oven.  There was a boy about my age, the son of my mother’s friend, who had G.I. Joes.  When we were in our early elementary years, he would bring them and play with me and my Barbies.  This, of course, was never a first choice of play time for either of us, but as long as we were forced together, we made the best of it.

Suffice to say, my boys have been gifted toys of art, music, building sets, books, sports equipment, camping and scout gear, games that teach, and now that they are older, some video games.  OK, I’ll admit it, yes, I’m one of those moms.  But I’m learning to relax a little and accept that boys will indeed be boys and that is still ok.  Not that my boys are prissy, but they are far from the other end of the spectrum.

Big isn’t much of a macho guy either.  For those of you that know him, he’s totally a “Suit.”  He hikes and camps and does the scout thing and an occasional fishing trip with his Dad, but he doesn’t hunt or have any hobbies that require weapons.  He isn’t much of a sports fan and most months no one in the house even has a clue what season it happens to be.  (The only exception being high school football, but we’re there for the marching band, LOL)  Anyway, you get the picture.  Back to tonight…

Fix stands there in our craft room, eyes amusingly mocking me, and asks in a humorously indignant tone exactly what kind of a mother I am not buying the boy a G.I. Joe.  “That’s a sacrilege, you know.”  I smile politely and told him what I told you, it just never entered my head to do so.  He rolls his eyes and takes one look at the pajama clad boy and says, “Go get your shoes on.”

At 30 minutes ‘til bedtime, Fix and the underprivileged boy head out to our local oversized-under priced-multi purpose-store-for-everything (ya, you know the one) in search of that thing he couldn’t wait another minute to own.  And I glowed.  THIS is what our family is all about.

Sometimes polyamory gets a bad wrap.  People get all hung up on the multiple relationships between the adults.  But as far as I am concerned, there is nothing like the love and bonding I see between my children and the others that we now consider family.

Just like one person cannot possibly meet the needs of another, in my estimation, even two parents cannot possibly cover all the facets of childhood.  My kids need my OCD tendencies and love for culinary creations, Big’s mathematical intellect and risk management style, Temptress’ technical expertise and relaxed approach to life, and they most certainly benefit from Fix’s mechanical brilliance and his heart for those really important things like G.I. Joes.

It’s now WAY past bedtime, and all the really big kids in the house are at the kitchen table oohing and ahhing over the tiny sized weapons and green army tank.  But it’s a Saturday night and we’re making memories over here.

~the laundry goddess, August 30, 2008