In a blog post some time ago I wrote about turbulence that Big and I were experiencing and the trials with the our marriage that Fix and I were having. In that particular post I wrote that I felt as if our quad were a butterfly and that its slowly and systematically being pulled off of it, thereby destroying it.
Around 6 months ago Big and Goddess hit rough patch, and he declared himself not interested in poly anymore, he thought they should be monogomous agian, and pretty much cast me aside. It was a rough few weeks but we weathered it. During that time I came to a place inside where I reconciled our relationship into a compartment where I could keep my heart sheltered. He eventually came around and things were resolved with Goddess for the moment and our relationship resumed.
Now here we are again, except this time, I am fairly certain this is our last time at this rodeo. Big and I danced this dance before and I am now in a place inside my heart and head where my dance card is full. Goddess and I have come to the painful realization that the quad we had once reveled in , no longer exists. Late last year we came to the conclusion that we were actually two triangles that created an intersected diamond. Now as we look forlornly at the wingless butterfly, the shell of what once was beautiful and is now painful to see, we realize we are all floundering and wondering what direction to turn.
Fix and I are finding level ground. It has taken16 long and emotionally painful months, but the darkness is parting and I am beginning to see the dawn. He and Goddess are taking small steps forward. She is fragile now and he knows that special care is needed to help begin to rebuild their relationship. Goddess and I are clinging to each other as the only anchor the other seems to have. We know what it is we want, we want the family, the four, the life together that our men promised us. And in the rubble we are holding fast to each other as we continue to ride out the aftershocks.
Big has made it known for quit some time that he no longer wishes to be poly-fi. He finds that to be a constricting box. He advised Goddess that he wanted monogamy or he wa ready to move forward with his desire to date, enjoy the company of friend-girls and eventually have other intimate partners. I have told Big all along that when he chose to take things to a physical point with other women, that our intimate relationship was over. I have watched to many friends die of AIDS, my own brother is HIV positive, and am just unwilling to take that risk. Last week after his proclamation to Goddess she came home very upset from their conversation. I climbed his case for the condition she was in and re-iterated to him my feelings concerning my biggest reason for poly-fi. He told me if I felt that way then I might as well just consider that he was taking that step forward and I should act accordingly.
So be it.
What I was apparently mis-informed about, was that a physical relationship was all Big and I had. He has barely spoken to me, and acts as if i am not even here. We are not even roommates, we have no relationship at all. That is what I suppose pains me the most. I still love him very much, I am deeply in love with him and I had hoped we were more than sex. How silly of me to think that.
What I have realized I am to him is a nemesis. An excuse, a reason for all things currently wrong in his marriage. At this point he wants nothing more than for me to turn my back on the promises made, tear apart these children we have turning into family and leave him and his wife to their marriage and never to look back. But I love her to much and I value what she and Fix and I see as the big picture too much. And I stand firmly planted, holding the hand of the woman I adore and promising her to stand with her against this latest hurricane of emotion.
Since she has refused his request of monogamy, Big now moves forward with his plan of full open poly. I feel pain at this, pain for being cast aside in favor of the new rush, the new friend-girl, the new intimate conquest. But my pain is so much different than hers. Her cuts far deeper than my own.
She feels pain of a completely different kind. She is working from the pain of the past. A time when she begged him to not do that thing that brought them on this path. A time when his needs and desires were more important than her security and the well being of her heart. Once again she see him chasing the high, the new wants and not caring for the hurt he will leave behind.
The pain I feel will heal, I said in the beginning of this blog that I had moved him into a compartment in readiness for this day. The pain I see in Goddess’s eyes is my undoing. Holding her when she cries, and feeling her pain makes me want to shake this man an ask him what the hell is he thinking. How can he hurt her, how can be so un-feeling for her emotions and that which pains her?
If I thought for a moment that he was looking for love, romance and a commitment of emotion and time I might be supportive of this. But I know, as does Goddess that he is seeking a high, chasing the conquest. He thrives on adrenaline and adventure. And for this I feel sorry for him, because really he has everything a man could want, all he really needs to do is look right here at home. But in the end I am afraid he will continue to seek that illusive high and then will come to realize he has lost far more than he will ever find.
I have been accused of only blogging when I am angry and hurt. This was not written in anger, or pain. But rather in loss. There is no longer an OPL quad…. just the wings of butterflies.
~ Temptress
