I fell asleep last night once again feeling alone and bereft even though Fix was 6 inches from me. I had spent the better part of the evening trying to get my feelings of anger and resentment under control.

Goddess has taken some very serious steps in her relationship with Big. Steps that has her feeling strong and empowered. She is proud of herself and who she is and I am proud of her as well. Not just for her strength recently but for who she is all around.

She made a few comments yesterday afternoon that led me to understand that while she has taken many steps forward with Big, she is still in a many ways allowing the time he is here in the home to dictate the time she spends with me/us. I was of the mistaken opinion that there would be more we could count on, but it still seems that time spent must still be done in his absence. No sleeping schedule next week until he decides what his plans are…. no time spent in the early morning unless he is leaving early for appointments or excercise. No date this week, home and family have eaten up that time, but he sure as hell is still getting his date Sunday.

It’s ok if life eats into OUR time together, but can always expect exclusive alone time. While we as usual must work around our responsabilities of home and family. She and I, or She and Fix and I can not shut ourselves away for 4+  hours for a private dinner and a movie. We can not set a standing date weekly where it is expected he will monitor the kids in our absence. We can not take hours in the afternoon of private talk time. Every single thing we do MUST be worked around the home and children.

The opportunity to watch a 1 hour Tivo’ed program only happens if we are prepared for it to take 3 hours with NUMEROUS  interuptions. But his time is exclusive, it always has been. I resent that we do not “rank” high enough to be given these same opportunities.

I was told yesterday that he would be leaving very early for a hike this morning and because of that she could come and snuggle in the early morning with us.

I used the expectation of that time together to try to keep my emotions in check last night. And this morning woke at 6 am with an air of expectancy. By 8:30, I got tired fo waiting. It became obvious that he wasn’t going hiking after all and that meant she was were she was “supposed” to be. It is now shortly after 9 and I waffle between wanting to dissolve into tears or throw something.

I am angry as hell at him. He changed, he is the one who doesn’t want this family anymore. The three of us still do, we are still here, we want this. But becasue he changed he feels he gets to have things his way. We will never be anythign more than secondary, we will always come after his needs and wants are filled. And to be honest I am angry a her. Angry  that she is allowing, STILL allowing it to be this way. She tell sme she wants it to be different, but I don’t see it.

He recent actions where she is concerned will make things better for her where there relationship is concerned. Communication paramenters, rules of engagment, and his treatment of her. But I see no changes for us.

She is torn, I see that. She is in the worst place possible, stuck between people who love her. and I understand that she has to make choices and find a blance within herself.

I am a rational being, and i understand all of this….. but it doens’t make it any easier. It doesn’t make me want her less.   I got spoiled. As long as Big and I had a relationship, I was able to be with her. I had to be with him 99% of the time in order to have that time with her but it was ok. Tv time, or talk time or whatever was had while he either joined us or flitted around working or ??? Becasue he was included my time with her was sanctioned.

Now that things are seperate, she has to actually take time “from him” to be with me/us. This is where the trouble all stems from. All he can see is what he doesn’t have when she is with us. BUt he can’t understand what  a lions share he has and what we are missing so that he can have that place with her.

I’m trying very hard to tamp down my expections, and to learn to live with what she can give. I don’t want to be angry or resentful anymore. We get so little time, I would prefer it was spent in peace and happiness.

Temptress

P.S. Once again my anger won. Loving another person can bring our your best and your worst. Lately it seems to be my worst. My resentment has hurt her.  I htink the best I can do is to no longer ask nor expect any thing other than what materializes. Make no plans, create no expectations, just take one moment at a time and be grateful for whatever happens to fall into my lap.

I can’t count the number of time one or more members of our poly household have blogged about hierarchies, fairness, equality, or primary status. In fact I am beginning to see these terms as words I would like to strike from the dictionary.

There was a time when it could be argued that I disliked or misunderstood these terms because I was full, I had what I needed, therefore could not see the point of view from the “quad” member feeling the need of one of these terms.

Now I can say having been on both sides, and sitting now on the side of inequality I still wish these words no longer existed.

For 16 months while Fix lived away from home I spent almost every single night sleeping in the same bed as Goddess and Big. She slept in the middle between us wrapped around me. When Big ended our relationship I felt being in their bed with them was no longer the place for me so I moved back to my room, which in the end was exactly where I needed to be as Fix returned home within  a matter of weeks.

Suddenly I went from being held nightly by the woman I love to finding stolen moments and hoping and praying for any time Big would allow us.

You see Big refuses to sleep alone. So unless he is away on business, Goddess is with him. He demands Primary status, he demands she act in a hierarchical fashion, he demands the lions share of her time or attention. Recently they have had some rather serious problems in their marriage, mostly because of the above listed demands. He feels entitled to these things and feels he isn’t getting them.

If he wasn’t getting the “preferential” treatment he wanted then please tell me why it is he has had her sleeping next to him for the last 11 nights and I haven’t. Why it is he is leaving for 48 hours and upon his return she will again be expected to be by his side each night until he leaves again. It could be 6 days or 6 weeks.. it matters little. She is to be by his side when he is in residence.

Do not misunderstand. It is not sex I am looking for. It is the opportunity to have her eyes and beautiful smile be the last thing I see as I close my eyes, to feel her arms around me as I drift into slumber. It is rolling over at 3 a.m and feeling her warmth next to me. It is opening my eyes as dawn peeks thru the windows to see her sweet face relaxed in sleep.

I suppose I should be grateful that we are still living under the same roof. But I ask myself daily how i can move through our home with her in our daily duties as mothers and homemakers and still miss her terribly. My eyes search her out. I ache to run my hands through her hair, to smell her skin, to hold her to touch her.  She is with me and yet I feel completly alone.

Big would NEVER stand for almost two weeks away from her and yet he expects Fix and I to. He thinks because he is her legal husband and we are “just lovers”, he has the rights to her time and we have what he allows.

I admit to being hurt by his actions towards me. But I am finally  in a place where I can see past that. In fact I think he did me a favor by cutting me loose. But what hurts more is how he demeans what Goddess and I have and what Fix and Goddess have by placing us on “standy-by” status. We are supposed to wait in the wings until he is away, and only then can we have any place with her.

And within all of this turmoil is Goddess herself. Smack in the middle. Trying to balance us all. As much as Big’s actions hurt Fix and I, as much as he is “taking” from us, he has NO idea how he is hurting her and what he has taken from her. Why can’t he see that the more he gives, the more he will get back.

I wish so much we could all just live and love in harmony.

Temptress

Fix and I spent our childhood and teen years in a fairly nomadic fashion.  So it came as no surprise that as adults we wanted roots and a permanent home, and yet picking up and moving our family to start over in a new place came fairly easy for us.

Our first two years of marriage found us in 4 different homes in the same area of southern CA. Two more years found us in 2 homes in northern AZ. Then came a move to southwest MI in 1995 where we put down roots and lived happily in the home we eventually bought until August of 2002. This little town in MI is where the 3 oldest kids still consider “home”, where they consider their roots to be and where the majority of their childhood friends, their maternal Grandfather and his entire family and  many fond memories reside.

In 2002 a family vacation to the mouse house in FL brought about an unexpected job opportunity. In the space of 4 weeks our home was packed and our family relocated to the sunshine state. We spent 10 months in a teeny house way to small for our tribe and then moved to a lovely home Fix and I expected we would buy and live in for years to come.

Fast forward 27 months to November of 2005 when we realized that living more than a few minutes away from our loves was to painful to contemplate and the decision to uproot our family again was made. Employment was secured and the move put in motion for the New Year.

I sit here now in the almost unpacked “mommies office” of what is our 5^th house in 3 ½ years since we moved to begin our life as a cohabitating quad. I can honestly say I am exhausted on many levels. Exhaustion aside I feel a euphoria about this move and this house that I haven’t felt in a very long time.

Our move from FL to our 1^st house here was overshadowed by Fix’s breakdown and we only lived there 4 weeks before we moved in with Big and Goddess. The first house we lived in together was Big’s childhood home and while we road the high of NRE, it was always very clear that was Big’s house and he would always have the final say. Our next house was supposed to be “our” house together. Within the first 3 months Fix and I were separated and we found out the person we bought the house from dealt with us unfairly and it was snatched away from us after a valiant 8 month struggle with the bank. Goddess and I felt no attachment to the house once we realized it could be ( and eventually was) taken. The next house, the one we have just vacated, was one Big found just in the nick of time and fit us acceptably. We knew it was temporary and therefore Goddess and I created no attachment there.

This house however is completely different. Goddess and I found this house. She and I structured the deal and with Fix’s help we dealt with the financial issues needed to get us moved in.

Goddess and I and all of the kids spent the better part of May moving small things in, painting, organizing and becoming acquainted with our new house. Fix has taken a week of vacation to help move the heavy things and take on the myriad of fix-it projects he excels at. Together the three of us have turned this house into a home. And a home it is. Fix, Goddess, myself and the children have all said this feels like home and we are all happy and comfortable within these walls and the shelter of the home that has embraced us.

I am certain it has not gone without notice that Big’s presence, nor thoughts on the matter has not been mentioned. This has not been done intentionally, it is an unfortunate fact of our current situation.

During the time of the house finding and negotiation, Big was flat on his back in a fair amount of discomfort dealing with back issues. We had to move quickly, so by the time he was able to move we had already finalized the deal. Couple this with Big working away from home 3-4 days a week and then dealing with work issues here locally once he gets back to town, has left little time for his involvement in this move.

While Fix ,Goddess, myself , and a partial contingent of kids complete this move  during this first week of June, Big and two of our boys are on a 6 day canoe trip with Boy Scouts. Again, his absence is glaring.

He has said that this is “a place to store his stuff”. He has made it clear to the adults he is not comfortable here, and is even less comfortable that this move was made in a fashion that kept our family intact. He had hoped in his heart of hearts that Fix and I would have taken our children and moved out on our own leaving “his” family to him. We are all painfully aware of how he wants things to be. But we are all also aware of the commitments we have made to these kids and amongst the 3 of us now a part of this Triad. Fix and I did not give up after 16 months of seperation, we fought for each other and our marriage. Goddess was by our side the entire time fighting just as hard. We DO NOT take this choice of being together lightly. We don’t give up when it gets hard or uncomfortable. We keep fighting for what we beleive in and what is imoprtant to us.

We presented this lifestyle to our children as a loving and commited choice. We did not bring them together with the intention of tearing them apart. Adult matters aside, we owe them what we promised. And as long as they are happy, and emotionally safe, then this is life we adults continue for their sake. Life is not easy, no one ever promised us it would be. I’m sorry Big struggles now with the commitments made.

It  is my sincere hope that in time he finds peace with this new turn our lives have taken. I feel for him. I understand his bewilderment. And his thoughts of “this isn’t how it is supposed to be”. I feel the same thoughts and emotions, albeit for different reasons.

For me it was supposed to be the 4 of us, we were coupled and were working together for a common goal. My heart is shattered, he has hurt me in a way no other man has. I am healing and finding a peace within. His presence in the same room can at times be tolerable and yet at other times be painfully unbearable. When we are all together in a family fashion such as a day at the pool to celebrate a child’s birthday then my heart weeps for what has been lost.

I wish Big well, and I hope he finds what he is looking for. I hope it is worth what is being cast aside and I hope he knows that my love for him was and remains still, sincere and meaningful. I will always love him, but I know now I will never be able to be with him again in any way beyond housemates.  I wish him peace, contentment, and joy in his future relationships and in life.

My heart will always hold you close my love, but my mind releases you and what was and should have been.

Temptress

During the entire time Fix was away from home I cried many tears and felt pain and heartache during our difficult times and separation. But somewhere deep in my heart I knew he still loved me and I felt that we would find a way to work it out.
And we did.
Now the pain I feel is unyielding. I feel bereft, cast aside, used, and unwanted. I live in the same house with Big and yet I can not look him in the eye…I avoid it all costs. The pain I feel when my eyes mistakenly lock with his is like no other. I hurt in ways I didn’t think possible and I question daily how I can be so hurt and so angry and yet feel so utterly desolate and crumple into a sobbing heap when I am near him. A mistaken touch when we pass each other in the kitchen or exchange an object is my undoing. I gather my reserves each time I am near him, willing myself to bestrong, sometimes I succeed, others I fail… miserably.
I have two people who do love me and who do want me to be in their lives and accept the love I have to offer them. Why then is this so hard, why can I not just move forward and let him go?
When will the pain stop? When will I make it through a day without tears, without feeling ripped apart?

Temptress

There reached a point almost 2 years ago when the arguing and hurtful words that Fix and I slung at each other were said to hurt. They may have started as a discussion, as a need to be heard and understood, but eventually it would degrade into sarcasm, hurtful barbs and all out meanness. Threats, ultimatums, and cutting remarks became status quo.
I finally reached a point where I was worn down, I couldn’t fight any longer and I felt like my sanity was slipping away. It was during this time when I found safe haven in the bedroom and in the arms of my Goddess. Things would get awful with Fix and I would retreat to her room where I could cry and she would hold me. Where I could breathe again and she would help me find peace inside. She helped me to shore up my reserves so I was ready for the next battle. I know all of this sounds awful, but for a long while there was love between Fix and I, but there was war as well.
Fix and I needed to learn to communicate, to talk without hurting each other, to learn to listen and understand each other. We needed to learn to argue, to debate, not to fight. We were good at fighting; we had to become good at communicating. Big and Goddess were our role models. Their manner of being able to talk out calmly and rationally even the most difficult of subjects was admirable and something I strove to do.
We are not perfect at this new way of communication, and I expect each of us to slip on occasion, but it is both of our goals to work towards open, honest, CALM , communication now and in the future.
The last several months have been very difficult in our home. While there is joy in having our family back together again, we are still being ripped apart. Big and I no longer have a relationship. He wants Fix and I to take our family and leave. He feels we are the reason he and Goddess are having difficulty overcoming their issues. He demands primary status from her and begrudges every moment of time spent with us. He wants all of her and full open poly for himself. He is so fervent in his desire for his wishes to be met that he is slowly and systematically tearing Goddess apart. I see what is happening to them an almost replay of Fix and I. Old issues, old hurts, things from the past have finally become to much for each of them to deal with and he thinks the way to fix them is to pull her to him and away from us. Sounds familiar.
Even more familiar is their manner of disagreement. While there are no raised voices and the majority of their disagreement is behind closed doors, the words are still hurtful, at times meant to demean or belittle, the threats, ultimatums, sarcasm and cutting remarks are like seeing the last 2 years with Fix in movie replay. He demands she talk when doesn’t want to or feels mentally and emotionally exhausted, at times using what could be called guerilla tactics. Sometimes I see the pain in her eyes after a particularly hurtful “talking” session and I want to rail at him, but know that isn’t my place. Goddess is a strong and capable woman, but there is fragility about her. One that makes you want to protect and shield her. I know Big feel that way about her, he an I have discussed it often. So I wonder now, is it pure selfishness to have all of his needs met and act in a way that pleases only him that has caused him to step away from his usual character and treat her in such a manner??
He and I have spoke often of his depth of love for her, he has been moved to tears often in his description of his feelings. I never once question the truth and validity of such. And I still do not. But I do question if he cherishes her; if he loves her in a way that is open and unconditional. I see no compersion from him where she is concerned. He has no empathy for the feelings of others. He seems to simply want things the way he wants them and expects others to conform. I never really saw this side of him until recently and I am truly broken hearted. I have seen him for three years as a rock, an upstanding, honorable, honest (to a fault) and loving man. All things that caused me to fall deeply in love with him.
But recently I wonder if I was blinded by that love. Did I only see what I wanted???
I am still deeply in love with this man; his absence in my life is painful in ways I can’t describe. I hold it together while he is away working, but when he arrives home and walks into the room no amount of self talk keeps me in one piece. I can’t look into his eyes, I can hardly look at him at all without the ache hitting me with a ferocity that leaves me breathless. How I can I be so desperately in love with this man when I mean nothing to him I do not know. More still, how could I have been so blind these three years? I thought I brought something to him, I thought I meant something to him. I see now I was nothing more than a means to an end. All of those times we were together intimately I would gaze into his eyes and smile at him I thought the smile I was given back for sincere. I think now it was given for the sake of placation. I was a nice diversion when he needed physical relief. I have heard him say to me the words “I Love you” and yet I now know they were not meant, they were not real. He could argue that he loved me once but that he wasn’t “IN” love with me. How then if that was true… if he really loved me in any form could he toss me aside in favor of the new relationship he had yet to find. How could he demand I take my family and leave if he felt anything for me?
Our littlest was 14 months old when we brought this family together. She knows nothing else. She thinks Big is as much her Daddy as Fix is. He walked thru the door last night after 2 days away and I could hear her from the next room gleefully calling “ Hi Daddy” to him. I had to excuse myself and give in to yet another sobbing session. The pain of seeing him and not being able to be a part of his life other than that of a pariah, and to hear my baby girl call to her “Daddy” in welcome without any idea that he would cast her aside along with the rest of us was crippling to my heart.
I know one day the pain will lessen, I know eventually I can get thru a day with out tears. I know that the family we have all created together can and will be spectacular. And I know that if he would just back off, relax his hold a bit and let Goddess come to him in her time he would be able to find that which he seeks. He would be able to find his peace and live his life in a way that would bless him in many ways and that as a family we could carry on our mission of raising these beautiful children together and receiving more love and happiness than we could ever expect existed.
~ Temptress

After 16 months of a long and arduous separation, it is with a happy heart that I can tell you that Fix will be spending this weekend moving his belongings back into the family home.

These many months have been a time of discovery. They have been filled with tears, heartache, loneliness, anger and sadness. But they have also been filled with love and hope. Both of which have seen us thru until we could once again bring our family back together again.  I think we all learned a few lessons, and found out we are culpable in any situation, there is never one person at fault, nor one person whom you can heap the blame onto.

Fix and I created patterns and made choices early on in our marriage, that looking back I can see were not the best for us in the long run. We became comfortable and complacent in our roles even if they were not the ones that we were happiest with or that fulfilled us. Mistakes were made along the way that over the years just became status quo.  In trying to change  some of those we rocked the boat and created a tidal wave of issues that almost drowned us. I think now we both understand that  the people we became were not the people that we truly were. Both of us put away things that were important in order to create our peaceful lives. Yes marriage is about compromise, but it’s not about losing yourself.

Fix and I both understand now that after 18 years we are different people than were in 1990 and we are getting to know our new life mate. I like the person I have become and I like who I see in him. We are in a good place now and it brings me peace, I hope he is feeling the same.

We all made mistakes in the formation of this quad, we have all paid a price and I like to think that we have all in some small way gained something. Our “quad” no longer looks like it did 3 years ago, the appearance has changed along with the relationships. I think however that no matter how the quad looks or how each relationship has evolved we are all still committed to our families, our loves and our children.

This polyamorous life we have chosen is not easy, but then again nothing in this life worth having is rarely easy to gain. For all of the tears and heartache, the love gained and the family created is so very worth it.

Welcome home my love.

Welcome home.

~ Temptress

In today’s society people today seem to look for a quick easy solution to life’s larger problems. It’s like everyone thinks slapping on some tape on a struggling relationship will solve everything. Personal relationships aren’t that simple.

Relationships in all forms, whether they be business or personal, need to be fostered from the beginning with great care. You can’t just stop after offering services to a client in a particular way, throw up your hands and say “I QUIT!”. Then a year later start offering the same wonderful customer service as you did in the beginning.  Expecting your client to welcome it unconditionally.

Individuals have expectations of each other. If you build a relationship with the expectation that you will be a constant variable or convince them you can offer assistance, they will expect it.  They will request it. Of course expectations also lead to a level of stress on your part, but you can’t just quit without recourse. Parties who don’t deliver on expectations loose respect and belief from other half.

Change is an inevitable part of relationships. Couples with successful marriages of 60 years will tell you stories of turbulence and change. Companies such as Apple and Kellogg’s can tell you incredible stories of major strategy and innovative change. Do not be naive to think any successful partnerships had a blast guiding the other halves through change. People will resist change. Gentle, consistent guidance and support in the direction of change will guide the resistant through it. Not easy, but consistency is the key.

Consistency.

Honesty.

 Integrity.

Sincerity.

Relationships broken, both business and personal, cannot be fixed with a quick solution. Some relationships must weather the change. People need to come to terms with the reality that relationships on the brink of breaking cannot be repaired in a last ditch effort. Not a hastily applied piece of tape nor a day of insincere actions will wash away how the relationship was fostered during the early days or the rough waves.

Time and care will be what is required. If one is diligent and sincere and truly desirous of reparations, then in time, that which is wanted so dearly will be achieved.

Temptress

Ok… so here is yet again ANOTHER blog about friend-girls. Well maybe not friend-girls specifically. I think we have a whole new label now, girlfriend.

So first a refresher.

The four of us came together and we agreed on being a closed  poly fidelitous quad. In fact when we committed to each other and exchanged rings on New Years Eve solidifying the relationships, the words Big wrote and recited to me promised me  fidelity. This I have banked on all along.

For those that have read our blog from beginning to present know that somewhere along the way Big decided he couldn’t be polyamorous unless he could practice “real” polyamory. His definition of real means open, at least emotionally open.

This caused a lot of pain and hurt feelings on my part and Goddess had issues with it as well. Eventually it was explained to us and we came to understand that he was not seeking new lovers. In his words he only wanted other women he could be close to emotionally. To care for, to love as friends, and yet not be physically involved with. Eventually Goddess and I came to accept his need for the now labeled “friend-girls”.

In the realm of friend-girls, they would be email, IM, and phone friends. They would be liked , respected and offered a deep and personal friendship.

O.k… I wasn’t thrilled with this idea. But I accepted it, that was a level I could be comfortable with, I could tease him about his friend-girls and yet know that while they were close in emotional ways there was no physical interaction other than a hug or kiss on the cheek if there was ever an opportunity to meet in person.

Near Easter, Big found a loop hole and he stretched it wide to create a door he felt he could walk thru with no obligation to any previous promises or parameters of relationships set forth.

Out of  respect and care for the two people who inadvertently created this loop hole I will expand no further. But I will say when it occurred, Goddess and I both feel that Big saw a stage being set that would work to his advantage and he acted upon it.

All of a sudden and without warning he began to pursue a relationship that unbeknown   to us, he intended to take physical. And when confronted he admitted that he was unwilling to practice any sort of fidelity any longer.

Goddess did however ask Big to respect our “speed of the slowest ” clause and to scale back his pursuit giving me/us time to come to a place of possible acceptance.

I did tell him that while I could not promise a change of heart, I would promise to at least try to move towards acceptance. There was no time limit requested or stated.

Big has apparently decided that 3 1/2 months is long enough. And so there are friend-girls and there are now what Goddess and I expect to be full fledged girl-friends.  And there is where the problems really begin.

I have never for one single moment been under any illusion about the depth of feeling or lack thereof that Big has for me. He and I walked into this expecting to be friends, to love each other as friends and as lovers. Goddess would always be our hinge point.

I was the one who purposefully let my guard down. I was the one who allowed a weekend away to set my heart free and to open myself up to love him freely and fully.

In fact, Fix urged me to do so, he hoped I would find the depth of feeling with Big that he and Goddess had found with each other.

I admit that I would be amazingly happy if Big developed  real feelings of romantic love, if he crossed over to the “in-love” side of things my world would be a much brighter place. But, I am content with his level of care. I do not expect nor demand any more than he can give and I am at ease for the most with my place as secondary in his life.

After a recent  evening of intimacy I snuggled against his chest and made a statement referring to my depth of feeling for him. I expected no such declaration back, but what I did get, set me back on my heels a bit. His reply was “ I wish I did love you that way”. Ok.. not to bad, but then it was quickly followed by a sentiment that he hoped he could find that level of love with a future girl-friend.

WHOA…. Ok. Ummmmm wait. I said I love you .. I was told I don’t love you that much AND I hope I can find someone else to love that much ( paraphrasing here).

OUCH OUCH OUCH. Not that there is ever a time or place for such a declaration, but fresh off the heels of making love to someone is definitely NOT the time.

So the stage is now set for my now very poor frame of mind.

Over the course of the next few days talks begin about his renewed interest in additional lovers. Gone are the days of emotional only friend-girls. He wants full fledged romantic, in-love, fully sexual relationships.

When I asked him how he expected me to deal with watching him ride off into the sunset with the newest love of his life, while I settled  into my place as the only friend-girl who lived in the same house as him and now not held in the same regard as the new love. He responded that he expected I would be happy for him.

Happy for him … maybe, and only because I love him. Happy for the woman who stepped into the place I dearly want in his heart…doubtful. In fact it brings all manner of emotions and feelings that I can’t even begin to name.

While I could say the bruising and battering that my heart will take is my main reason for  my resistance to the full girl-friend thing, I can honestly say no that is secondary, no… probably further down than that.

My biggest and most primary reason is fear. I left the dating game almost 20 years ago.

My mother ran a hospice for AIDS patients that Fix and I were heavily involved in. I have buried more friends and acquaintances than I can count. Over 25 in a 6 month period alone. I have seen a healthy vibrant life ravaged and stamped out in less than a year. My own brother, who has been in a monogamous gay relationship of over 14 years was diagnosed with HIV 8months ago, and now battles that and lymphoma. I know the nasty scaries that are out there. And I want no part off them.

And the argument can be made , what if we become fluid bonded with one of his new girls…. Ok sure. And his girl has another lover and this other lover is less than honest unbeknownst to us. And we go about life thinking we are safe and bonded. And then oops.

No, sorry, NOT a chance I am willing to take.

In between my feelings and my fear of disease lies the feelings of Goddess. I know how she would feel if he took on another lover or lovers. And if for no other reason than the protection of her heart I remain opposed to adding any other lovers.

Friend-girls, while I am not jumping up and down with glee over the idea… you are accepted and in some odd way, welcome in our small square.

To those with designs of romance and intimacy, be very certain you understand there are more than your feelings or his in this equation. There is a family, because really when you take the sex out of it, that is what we are. We are a committed, bonded family of four parents and 10 children, all of whom care about and respect the others as part of our family unit and we are all committed to each other and what we have built, even in trying and difficult times.

Temptress

I’m not really certain where I am going with this. In recent years it seems as if polyamory has taken on a life of it’s own. In fact it seems to be becoming more and more publicised and talked about. In fact I dare say it isn’t but a few short steps from becoming a “movement”.

Optimistic I know… but think about it. As time passes more and more people will read Heinleins book… the internet, personal websites, and the multitude of blogs about people in poly amorous relationships is growing daily. Piece by piece, bit by bit, we are all becoming interconnected.

A few months ago I was searching the web about a medical condition. One of my search words dropped me into a blog of someone whose writing I found myself enjoying. Her issues with spouse and child I could relate too. She is not poly… but I fell across her and enjoyed her enough to add her to our blog roll.

Now I wonder… how many people searching seemingly everyday words fall across us by mistake. And how many of these people out of curiosity read our blog. And then come back again and again.

And of these people, how many will turn to the significant other or in passing conversation with a friend mention their findings. From there on, there is no telling what may happen or grow from one planted seed.

Just a thought or two to ponder.

Temptress

Hi Ho Readers !

We have an adventure underfoot ! Or two even.

Fix and LM 13 decided late Saturday night to make an impromptu trip to MI to visit family, fish, ride horses and generally relax. They are going to have a great time !! They left here with a loaded van Sunday morning, making good time and arriving at their destination mid-evening Sunday.

A quick phone call this morning clued us in to some fishing and horsing adventure for the day… ahhhh Here’s to a relaxing trip. We’ll keep ya’ll updated in their fun.

Mr. Big and our boys aged 15 and 13 have set out on an adventure. Yesterday morning Goddess and I drove them to their start point for what will be a 165 mile hike through the North Carolina/Georgia portion of the Appalachian Trail. They got in a few hours of hiking yesterday… close to 6 miles.. very good given the lateness of the hour of our arrival at the start point.

They got cell phone service this morning and called to let us know they had a great night near the river and a centipede escapade in their shoes this morning. It was straight uphill the first few hours and they crested their first summit around 9 a.m. after 2+ hours on the trail. Big’s phone has a camera and email so he will be sending pics and updates which we will post here as often as we can.

Goddess and I took a few pics yesterday which I will post right here on this blog entry… so check back in a day.. two at most.

Goddess and I are home with LM 15, 8,6,3 and YM’s 10 & 8. until LM 13 arrives home next Sunday. It is odd to have such few children…. but sort of nice because given their ages we can make fun and easy meals which gives Goddess and I a bit of a break in the kitchen.

We have plans to un-pack the last few boxes remaining from the move, organize the garage and it’s contents (seasonal storage, off season clothes and yard equip.) and set some schedules and plans for keeping the kids entertained throughout the summer.

Last summer we spent so much time on the remodel of the house (we no longer occupy), that we looked up and realized summer was gone and the kids pretty much had to entertain themselves. We don’t want to repeat that mistake this year.

Also, LM15 is about to start her first job. YM 15 will be spending a few weeks in MI after he gets off the AT trail… his return home will include employment for him as well. We are realizing very quickly as two of our eldest kids move into the arena of jobs, 2nd years of High School and more active social and extra curricular activities that we only have a few years left with them under roof.
Goddess and I have been very guilty of letting our lives live us these recent years rather than us living purposefully….. so we want to be very certain we are present and living our lives with our own intent and purpose from here out.

The kids are growing and changing, and while we look forward to one day having the freedom that being childless allows, we also realize these years are precious and we don’t want to let them slip away.

We’ll keep you all updated as we can on the summer goings on and our wayward travelers.

~ Temptress

Well, here I sit in the last hours of scholastically granted peaceful freedom.  In less than a week all nine of our children will be out of school for summer break.

I love my children, and I love being around them and spending time with them.  The older they get, the more I enjoy my moments with them.  The more mature they become, the more I appreciate their God(dess) given personalities.  What I don’t care for is the noise and the mess and the constant on call status of being Mommy on duty 24/7/12.  And for those of you who’ve asked, this is precisely the reason I/we don’t homeschool.

Before I launch into the whole “how I keep my sanity over the summer” thing, let me take this moment for a brief aside while I step up on my soap box about year round schooling.  For those of you who’ve heard this incantation before, feel free to skip down a few paragraphs.

~~~

Traditionally, the summer break was intended to offset the effects of empty classroom by purposefully closing the one room school house for the period of time when the children, boys in particular, would be taken out of school to help tend the farm and harvest the crops.  In an agricultural community I can see the need to do that.  However, we now live in the information age.

Time is money, and I don’t know of any occupation outside the educational system that allows three month vacations or large gaps in the learning curve.  I’ve known a lot of people in other states (welcome to the south, ya’ll) that have pulled off year round schooling with remarkable success.  My ex step brother, in fact, spent many of his years in year round situations and not only did he love it, but it functions much better for the working family.  Let me illustrate…

My preferred schedule is the 9 weeks on, 3 weeks off rotation.  This is a nice compartmentalized unit of time that allows the full coverage of a study unit and aren’t schools already organized in such sections? There are plenty of other good opportunities for year round including easier day care options, saving on vacationing during off times, utilization of buildings and protection from vandalism, more flex hours for teachers with track systems, and less attrition between learning segments.  I could rant on and on, but I won’t, I digress.

And BTW, if you’re a teacher, I’d love to dialogue with you about the pros and cons.  Give me an email, as I’m looking for a more informed opinion from those “on the inside.”  Ok, back to the topic at hand.

~~~

If we’re forced by antiquated ideology into long periods of inactivity, what does one do to keep the kids entertained and out of trouble for twelve long weeks?  That is precisely the problem at hand.

I cannot speak for anyone else, but we have not been in a financial position to take a full family vacation in years.  The adults have had some weekends away, and the children, through various clubs and groups, have had some travel opportunities, but as a whole there has been no ability to pack up and go somewhere for the purpose of doing nothing somewhere else.  It’s a goal, of course, but not yet a reality.  If you are in a place to vacation, that can take up a week or two.  Two down, ten to go.

My answer is structure.  The kids are already used to it and they seem to respond well to knowing what is expected of them and what comes next.  Even if you are not born organized or a list maker, summer is definitely a time to rev up those skills for your own benefit.

The Family Calendar

When I am getting the summer plan together, first I consult the family calendar.  It hangs on the wall next to our refrigerator and everything goes on there first.  Are there any big plans, VBS, summer camps, or family trips coming up?  Make sure these are well marked.  And that leads me to another suggestion; each family member has their own color ink.  We bought one of those twelve color Sharpie packages and assigned colors.  Bold and black is for full family events.

Daily Schedules and Chore charts

Summertime is for fun and relaxing, yes, but vegging out all day to television or video games is a major no-no at our house.  Those activities are limited to rainy days, rewards, or limited time frames.  We have certain jobs that help our family function and those are posted and everyone knows what to expect.  This is stepped up in the summer time.  However your family chooses to allot responsibilities, make sure they are printed out and posted somewhere visible.  I always announce a new chore chart and daily schedule with my full Vanna White persona.

Weekly Activities

Work and fun can go hand in hand.  Together we brainstorm with the children lists of things we want to do (picnics, playground, swimming, movie nights, water wars, backwards day, play dates) and try to scatter them throughout the weeks.  We may not always be able to do our fun thing on Wednesday afternoons, but I try at least once a week to surprise them with a super fun memory.  Maybe we set up the slip ‘n slide or pack a picnic and walk up to the playground for lunch.  If it’s raining, bake cookies.  Whatever you do, mark it on the calendar, even if it’s after the fact, that way when you hear, “Mom, we never do anything fun,” you can run to the calendar and point.  See?  Right there in black and white.

Our Personal Plans

The biggest thing on the horizon for us is a guy adventure trip.  Big is a hiking enthusiast and will be taking sons 15 and 13 through a 165 mile section of the Appalachian Trail.  They are hoping to complete ten to twelve miles a day and be off the trail in about two weeks, but they have extra time allotted just in case they want to “slow down and enjoy the scenery.”

Also this summer our family has access to the neighborhood pool, which is something we did not have the privilege of enjoying the last two summers.  We plan on morning trips to the pool several times each week.

We have camps coming out our ears; band camp, scout camps (boys, weeblos, and cubs), music camps, vacation bible school, and color guard practice are all on the schedule.  Some kids are going to visit family out of state and others will be looking for odd jobs to make money.  All the while the Mommies will be working diligently to complete the unpacking process.

Whatever you do this summer, do it on purpose.  Make a promise to yourself not to let life happen to you and the kids this summer.  Make some time, make some plans, and make some memories.

~the laundry goddess, May 19, 2008

I’m the type that only opens my fortune cookies because the people I am with request it of me.  Then I do so with a certain amount of expected humor.  I occasionally read my horoscope for sheer entertainment, and I take with a grain of salt most advice given me by those in my life who “only want the best for me.”

Where I do pay slightly more attention is to those famous quotes and poignant thoughts for the day that tend to frequent message boards and “be the best you that you can be” speeches.  Some are serious, some comic; but an odd sense of truth lies in each one of them.

Lately I’ve found myself repeating one of my favorites… “Confucius say Hungry Man who stand on side of mountain with mouth open waiting for roast duck to fly in, got loooong wait.”  Now I’m quite certain Confucius did not say that, but that to-the-point visual is thought provoking.

Because this is one of my favorite quotes, I can rattle it off without much thought, but most recently it got me to thinking…  How often do we as people lilt through life thinking the universe or anyone in particular owes us something?

I used to be of the opinion that the worst thing we could do as adults was to be apathetic to the issues around us.  Now I believe I have discovered a human condition that in my opinion is even worse.  I am constantly amazed at how many people totally abdicate their right to think.  An addendum to that is how people act in such an irresponsible manner and then are totally shocked when unfavorable consequences come about.

Why people are content to merely sit in metaphorical mud puddles of their own making, wanting desperately to escape, but doing nothing more than lamenting their sad circumstances to whomever they can get to listen is something I cannot understand and have an even harder time tolerating.  Why the human psyche feels the need to act contrarily to its desires has always been a source of continued bewilderment.  I am often puzzled by the behavior of others; most of the time it simply isn’t logical. 

Perhaps I was given a gift during my impressionable years.  This gift would be the truth of “life isn’t always fair and no one owes you a damn thing.”  Life lessons 101 should start off with, “whatever it is in this life you want, expect that you will have to get off your rear end and work hard to get it.”  This work ethic does not pertain only to material possessions, but relationships as well.

Dale Carnegie has hundreds of wonderful quotes about this very topic.  (And, as an aside, if you’ve never read How to Win Friends and Influence People, it’s a timeless classic and full of very effective relationship advice.  Or, if you want the Cliff Notes version, try Googling Dale Carnegie quotes.)  “Feeling sorry for yourself, and you present condition, is not only a waste of energy but the worst habit you could possibly have.”

So why is it so many people have this very bad habit?  IMO, its just for whatever reason some have not been exposed to the idea or have not been willing to accept that seldom in this life are situations fully to blame on someone else.  I fight this battle everyday with our kids.  “He made me spill my drink” or “She made me mad” are comments I hear everyday in our house.  They’ll also raise my ire faster than any other childish action.

Since when can anyone MAKE you do anything?  Especially in this day and age, forced coersion is a rare occurance.  Its all about our choices – choices about how we think about a situation and choices about how we react to a situation.  And I think many times our reactions are controlled by unwillingness to be proactive.

“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.” (yes, also spoken by Dale Carnegie and while we’re at it, one more…)  “Don’t be afraid to give your best to what seemingly are small jobs. Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones tend to take care of themselves.”

Ok, so your life sucks?  Then here is my advice for you…  Wake up each day and thank the creator for the day; sun, rain, or peaceful clouds – whatever it is, be grateful.  Get yourself dressed and be proud of the way you look; put your best foot forward.  Leave for the day thinking you’ll make a difference and learn something worthwhile.  In everything you undertake, give it your best effort.  With everyone you have contact, treat them respectfully and leave them with a smile.  Go to bed each night and review the things that happened right in your life that day.  Determine to make tomorrow better.

If that doesn’t work for you?  Read a good book, find a hobby that brings you pleasure, or do something nice for someone without thought of what you’ll get out of it.  Try donating your pocket change to someone that needs it, volunteer for a good cause, or give without taking.  Want to make it personal?  Call someone special and tell them that you love them.  Look deeply into the eyes of your child and honestly tell them three things they do wonderfully.  Find a little way to make a big impact.

I wholeheartedly believe when you take the chip off your soulder and your eyes off yourself and begin to focus on others, suddenly your own life has  more purpose and the world begins to be a better place. 

~the laundry goddess, May 19, 2008

“If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive.” ~Dale Carnegie

“Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar” ~Benjamin Franklin

“He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else” ~Benjamin Franklin

I have avoided blogging for numerous months in attempts to not add any additional fuel to our ongoing fires. Every other major poly challenge we went through lasted days or weeks. This one seems to go on and on with no end in sight. I don’t think it is actually a poly problem. This was probably a marriage issue that was lying dormant in a dyad relationship that the complexities of the quad brought to the surface. Poly didn’t cause the problems; it created enough of a safety net that the problems could be faced. Fix might not have had a breakdown if his family wasn’t going to be provided for in his absence. Temptress might have given in to his demands or never allowed challenges to ever see the light of day if we hadn’t been there for her and the kids as a backup. It is amazing how much one will allow when no other options seem to exist.

I can argue both sides of preserving a marriage at all cost. We all agree that the children are the most important part of our lives at this stage. Creating a warm and loving environment for them is our highest priority. I want to do everything I personally can to further this endeavor but in doing so, I never want anyone to feel replaced by me.

As challenging as Fix’s outburst can be, I feel like I’m partially shielded from them. They are always directed at the women and since he’s not in the household at present, I usually hear about them secondhand. Additionally, YM15 came back from his therapeutic camp a changed person. He’s had over a month back home and seems to have his anger issues under control. He’s still a teenager with everything such an age entails, but he’s back to a level that is acceptable. He will even be joining me and YM13 for a three week stint on the Appalachian Trail at the end of the month. For me to feel comfortable being the only parent with him for that period of time should tell you how much he has improved.

The changes in the household have allowed me to focus more on business, finances, and the 1001 things required for our move last month. Procurement of a house for this size crew was challenging enough before we even packed the first box. With a declining real estate market, I chose to rent for the next year instead of buying. Finding a landlord with a large enough house that was willing to rent to a family with nine children provided hours and hours of entertainment.

After two and a half years of polyamory, I’m seeing some common threads in many polyfolk I’ve met. The couple looking for a unicorn (hot bi-babe) willing to drop everything and adopt the original couple’s life seems to be a often repeated first step. Poly-fi seems to fit for many in the earlier stages of such relationships as well. Some people seem to be quite content having a very small circle of friends and an even smaller circle of lovers. The idea of moving from a monogamous mindset to polyamorous is pretty huge. The idea of going from three lovers to four or from four to five – not so huge. I agreed to speed of the slowest when we started this journey and I am so glad the others in my family were willing to slowdown or even temporarily come to a grinding halt when it was me applying the brakes. Now it’s my turn to be patient. Life is ever changing and what comes around, goes around.

I’ll be curious to see what changes occur during my absence for three weeks. Any changes in the working dynamics of the family require adjustments, even when some members are gone temporarily. With the base I’ve built up preparing for this hike, I believe I can transition back into triathlons as soon as we return. It feels good to focus on a different set of life challenges.

~Mr. Big
May 15, 2008

As a parent, I’m always looking for effective object lessons for my kids.  You know the ones that speak loudly for you so you have less parental nagging to do.  I’ve run across great object lessons for all kinds of things from peer pressure to maintaining your purity to rethinking unhealthy influences on the gray matter.  But my favorite one by far can be beneficial to children of all ages, not just the ones with logical correlative thinking skills in place.

I cannot take credit for this great idea; it was a gift from a teacher when I was in middle school.  Even being told to me at the tender age of 11, I still remember it.  In fact, I delight in sharing this with any other parent who’ll listen.  And in preparation for using this illustration when the message is most powerful, I keep the necessary item on hand at all times.

When your child shows that he/she is having a hard time understanding that words can hurt and cause long lasting effects, its time to pull out the toothpaste!  It goes like this:  Have said child stand by a sink, hand over a fresh tube of toothpaste and have the child open the tube and squirt out all the paste into the sink.  Have fun doing this, making comments about how cool it looks or how much fun it is to just slam it out and make messes.  Make sure the tube is completely empty.  Tell the child they have 10 minutes to put all the toothpaste back into that crumpled empty tube.  Set a timer and walk away.

When you return you’ll find a humbled child, perhaps emotional at the understanding that the toothpaste cannot possibly be returned pristinely to the tube.  Now, explain that our words are like the toothpaste.  Inside the tube the toothpaste cannot do its job.  Likewise, our words belong to us, but only until we let them come out of out mouth.  Although our words should be intended to be used to build others up, to show them love or appreciation; sometimes we let our words slip out without thinking about how it might affect others.

Used incorrectly words can cause hurts that can never be taken away.  And like squirting the paste from the tube, once “out there” you cannot take them back; the damage is done.  Of course there is always room for a heartfelt apology, but words are powerful, they have meaning and purpose.  No heaping amount of “that’s not what I meant” or “I was just teasing” or “I only said that because…” is going to take the sting out of words that originally pierced the heart.

This is the type of instruction is best gathered in childhood, but it doesn’t always happen.  Sometimes we miss lessons along the way or ignore them entirely.  The question becomes whether or not we as adults are willing to move outside our comfort zone and disprove the theory that you can’t teach old dogs new tricks.

None of us are in jeopardy of loosing our personal identity by capturing mannerisms that exhibit respect.  And there is no shame in adopting behaviors that edify those around you.  Our words can be weapons of devastation or the greatest gifts we ever give.  May we all be ever mindful of the messages we send.

~the laundry goddess, May 9, 2008

first of all thats not what happen    temp and i were talking about where she was after my break down i said to her that instead of my wife being there for me  she pulled away and ran … when i needed her she wasent there. she was wrong for abandening me  .   she even admits it was wrong .. goddess was there for me and if it wasent for her i proply still be there.. but after time went by   her and i was together alot  then came the goddess and fix  party  thang from tempress  course that started other problums .. then i started sleeping alone and fighting over everthang.    course Iam the bad guy…… i pointed out the wrongs and that was the beginnings of all    but Iam not going there now becouse the point is  i thank you heard wrong and was told wronge and thats not what was said………..not in that content……….    I miss everthang we had and its not aboutyou only being for sex nore has it ever been  Goddess you know how i stand on that AND i have NEVER treated you like that…….. how dare you even go there…….you know thats not who i am    so for two days I have been trying to fegure out whats wrong and this is how i have to find out… read about it or get told nastly by someone else  …. no one can just pick up the phone and ask or talk to me stright   when i ask “whats wronge” instead i get nothen …. how are we supose to fix  this if noone can be stright up…. Iam sorry you feel that way but its not the truth     far   from    it    you mean  to much to me .. i would never hold you in that mater  i want it to be like it was  I miss the time i spend with you and and thank about it every day    ….I miss the notes and the smiles befor i walk out the door to go to work and count the minents to get back home as fast as i can……..its killing me that i cant come home  and only seeing enyone  time to time hurts deep  and   hard    i want to get to a place that we were but i need to know that i stand on even ground with everone and my needs are filled also.. not just to sit and get what you all can spair for the moment . to get the full part not just the quick fix…. i want to give and recive…..i dont talk smooth and change thangs to get what i want or tell what i need to to get past the spot  i have always whated for everyone else to get what thy needed and stood bye and waited  till i was bypassed bye and was never give the time nor the  part i was  in this quid   eveyone has given and took what thy wanted or needed and i have been the one on the sidelines most of the time… i want some stance of fareness and evenness in this quid but you know and seen what i have put up with and where i have stood on a lotof thangs   for you to thank this is true  of me         i dont thank you know me very well then…..mybe it is best for me to move on and let the 3 of you have a happy life and you all can just say its was all me and i will and can live with that if thats what it takes for you to be happy….i dont regreat one momont i spent with you  happy or sad….i have never thought of you …as a peice of ass…fix

In the formation stage of our four person relationship, when NRE ran rampant and our idealism was fresh and energetic, we spent hours discussing what we wanted and what the future would look like.  We all had strong visions of our future, the symbiotic results of our combining, and the way our family would be structured now that there were four of us to do the job that two had formerly struggled.

During one emotionally intense moment, lying between Fix and my Temptress I was gifted with what is perhaps the most romantic marriage proposal I ever heard (or heard of.)  And although we were all aware that legally each couple would stay in tact, there were marriages of the heart, words exchanged, and rings worn.  Even though they were words we used between the four of us, we smiled across rooms and giggled secretly when strangers used the terms “husband and wife.”  We were living and acting as spouses in a group marriage, even though Big preferred the term “spice.”

For a long time there was a lot of equality between us.  In many ways I felt like the fact that our poly unions being beyond the boundaries of law and obligation gave me a more elevated status. Not a preference, per se, but a unique niche in the heart of He who knew what we shared together must be built on love and mutual adoration otherwise I’d have no reason to do the things I did.

I reveled in being the Morning Mommy on deck, getting up early making breakfasts at 5am and packing gourmet lunches.  I liked that fact that Fix and I shared our “early bird” tendencies in that dark and quiet hour.  Our morning routine gave us extra time alone; somehow we were stealing more intimacy from the day because we had this special opportunity the other two didn’t have.  Regardless of where I spent the night before, the morning was his, a gift from me to him.  I could send him off to work with acts of love with remembrances of quiet chats and intimate embraces.

This habit went on for nearly two years until our morning time became just another venue for arguing.  After our move last summer, the episodes of ire and rage became more frequent and less controllable and too many mornings I was left in the kitchen with half cooked breakfast and a half packed lunchbox to the tune of squealing tires. 

It was about that time I decided I felt taken for granted.  Because I can only control my actions, I decided I would no longer do those things that caused me distress.  Not only did I stop the early morning off-to-work routine, but I stopped doing a lot of those thoughtful little things that used to bring me joy in the doing.  I’m not sure if or when he ever noticed, but I never heard a word about missing me or our time together. 

Fast forward nine months.  Yesterday I finally got the message loud and clear.  During a particularly terse conversation between Fix and Temptress he informed her that it didn’t matter if I was doing all those things for him all this time, what mattered was that she WASN’T.  That thought made me sad.  It made me very, very sad.

All this time I thought the plan was to use everyone’s strengths and talents in the roles the best suited each of us.  I thought I was showing him love by doing for him in my own special way.  And now after all this time I find out that it didn’t matter after all.  So, if who I am and what I did was irrelevant, what function did I serve?  Well, let’s do the math together…

I don’t bring in any income.  I don’t have any special talents that help with maintenance.  I don’t enjoy the clerical side of household responsibilities like family paperwork or bill paying.  So what does that leave?  It leaves me in the kitchen, in the laundry room, chasing after children, or on my hands and knees on the bathroom floor doing all the things that apparently “don’t matter” to him.  That only leaves one thing left – I must merely be an acceptable piece of ass – just that little something extra to have around the house.  And I cannot begin to tell you just how exceptionally terrible that makes me feel.

At least it all makes sense now.  All those months of fighting for our family, for the family we created together.  All those times he was so grizzly because Temptress was sleeping in or working tirelessly on files and paperwork.  All those times I asked why it mattered that she wasn’t doing it because I LOVED doing those things for him… now I know.  No wonder he’s so miserable.  I must have been confused when he said he didn’t want our relationship to be all about the sex.  ‘Cause it’s not about the sex.  It’s supposed to be about the loving relationships.  So where does that leave me now?

Apparently, it doesn’t matter.

~the laundry goddess, May 7, 2008

Do not go after the past,
Nor lose yourself in the future.
For the past no longer exists,
And the future is not yet here.
By looking deeply at things just as they are,
In this moment, here and now,
The seeker lives calmly and freely.
You should be attentive today,
For waiting until tomorrow is too late.
Death can come and take us by surprise–
How can we gainsay it?
The one who knows
How to live attentively
Night and day
Is the one who knows
The best way to be independent.

-Bhaddekaratta Sutra

still out and the last to know enythang or part of enythang

sit on the sidelines and what to read about it on the sidelines. should eny body tell me enythang when it happens would mean iam part of the quid butt instead its held from me for weeks     why should enythang that happens include me Iam not in the loop on enythang i should be thankfull Iam talked too and said to be part of this triad quid

Ok.. so Goddess and I have declared this “Get to know our readers” month.
We would love for ALL of our readers to leave a comment answering a few fun and interesting questions.

What is it you like most about our blog?

What is it you like the least about our blog?

Are you in a polyamorous relationship? Explain.

List three things you regret not learning to do, or you plan to do sometime in the future.

Using only one word describe yourself as a child.

What book is on your shelf begging to be read?

If you could take back one thing you have said in your life, what would it be?

“Where are you ?”
I seem to get asked that question a lot these days. And in all honesty the question comes about in reference to many different things.

My residence:
Our family just completed another major move of our residence.( and I use that term loosely given the mountain of boxes in the garage still needing to be unpacked). The new house is only a few miles from our other one, and is smaller, but suit us well. Goddess, myself and the majority of kids have all echoed a similar sentiment of feeling comfortable and more “at home” here in our new abode.

My lack of blog posts:
Given the packing, moving and unpacking of recent weeks, that should be obvious.

My marriage and relationship with Fix:
I still love Fix deeply and still want our life together as a couple and a quad. I am committed to doing what I can to help heal the wounds and put us back together. I will continue to try until there is truly nothing left to try for, and I truly hope that never happens. I want us, I want our life. I want him.

My desire to remain a closed poly-fidelitous quad:
This one is the one I hear the most about and in all honesty is the one I struggle with the most. You dear reader have heard me ruminate about my quad-nogomous label. And I still stand by that. I am not poly by choice, I am by circumstance. I fell in love with my best and most dearest friend and life took me along for a wild ride from there.
That said once again…..
Two events that have taken place since February have rattled me deeply and I am still in recovery mode. While we have chosen to be blatantly honest here in our blog this is one situation I am not so certain as to how much detail is too much. And given the amount of hurt that has already been passed around via our quad and the others this affects I will tread gently. I will say that like my deep and abiding love for Goddess that happened un-willed and unexpected, a member of my quad realized unexpected feelings for a trusted friend allowed into our inner circle of family. These two parties admitted feelings for each other and then clued in another quad member. Two other members were left in the dark for a few weeks until a misdirected email appeared in my inbox and I confronted said parties. I have released this quad member from promises of fidelity and while not given my blessing, I did state I would try to find a way to deal with this relationship. In turn, the release of promise was denied and said party has told me they did not want to further this relationship and in fact preferred to step back from it because it was not “what is best for our family”. So now we move forward one day at a time, we are both dealing with the pain that has been a repercussion of this and we are moving forward stronger and more committed to each other than before I believe.

Secondarily, because of this one event, a certain other quad member who has been very vocal about their desire for an open quad or more to the point “REAL polyamory” took this as a green light and began to openly seek and pursue other relationships, this time as more than friends, hoping to actually find someone who might fall into the realm of “lover”. After a tense week or so, said person has realized they are not the only one to need to use our promise of “speed of the slowest” and in fact there are times when other members of our quad need that pace. I never thought I would be one of them, but in fact I am now the not so proud bearer of the mantle titled “slowest.”

I have promised that while I do not expect to change the feelings I have concerning poly-fi, that I will try to keep my mind open and do what I can to explore the thoughts and feelings associated with my reasons and to do what I can to move forward. Again, I re-iterate, I do not expect my feelings to change on this, but I have promised to try, and try I will.

My feelings about our “friend/family member:
I miss the friendship we had. I miss this person’s presence in my daily life. I miss our daily interaction and banter. I miss the freedom and openness I once felt. I shared a piece of my soul with this person, I allowed them to get close to my family and I entrusted them to this person knowing that I had nothing to fear in my absence. I felt that this person understood me and my feelings and what was important to me and those I love.
Now I question everything I “thought” about this person. These events and their absence have left an empty place in my life. One that I hope one day I can allow them to step back into partially. I say partially because I will never be that blind, that trusting or stupid again where those I love are concerned. I also need to be aware that no matter the words that come from the lips of the person I love who was involved in this, that does not change the heart. And when this person is “allowed back in”, I expect it will be difficult for all parties.
This is one situation where only time will tell how well the bridge can mended . Until then I waffle from hurt, to angry, to understanding, to furious and back again.

So with all that said, I hope I have answered the question of “where are you?”…..

Temptress