It’s easy to form an attachment to people and things. But after the attachment is formed, it can be a very painful experience  when you realize that it’s time to let go. Even the mere thought of not having that person or thing in your life  takes your breath away and squeezes your heart in pain.

However, there are times where you or that person has changed to the extent that it’s necessary to let go of the relationship or friendship, so that each of you can walk the path in life that fulfills you both.

Over the last year I have worked through the process of letting go and moving on….

These are some of the words I took to heart that helped me move on.

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Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.
– Author Unknown

Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.
– Ann Landers

Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.
– Gloria Naylor

There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.
– Author Unknown

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.
– Joseph Campbell

As mush as we would love to answer all of the emails individually we felt it best use this method in hopes it would answer all the questions and stave off any future emails.

• Yes the quad has dissolved. It no longer has the form of two cross coupled marriages
• Yes Big is seeking open
• No, it isn’t what Fix, Goddess and Temptress want
• Yes Fix, Goddess and Temptress are still “together”. Although not as one would think. Goddess needs love and support from us right now. So Fix and I feel it best for her if we step back and support her as she needs and not as we would wish it to be.
• No we aren’t tearing the family apart. We realize how detrimental it would be for the children to be split up. This information comes diretly from the family therapist. We will continue to live togehter and raise our chidlren together. In the end it is always about the children and what is best for them. The wishes of the adults need toi take a back seat.
• No, we won’t be writing in the near future. While we would love to continue our writing at some point, neither Goddess nor myself, who have been the primary authors of our blogs, have the emotional energy to continue our writing.  Also, both of us are now pursuing full time employment to offset the newest financial needs. And all of our available time and energy needs to be focused on our children and home.
• No, Fix, Goddess and Temptress won’t be attending any of the local meet-ups. Even though we enjoyed them immensely and we cherish the friendships we have made, it is to difficult to attend when our focus of the meetings is so very different than that of Big. And it would be wrong of us to place our friends in the middle of our domestic disagreement.

Thank you all again for all of the warm wishes and virtual hugs we do so appreciate them.

Once again, we bid you good-bye… until we meet again.

OPL

Dear Friends and Readers,

So much has happened in Our Poly Life the last three and a half years.  Inevitably, “it was the best of times, it was the worst of times” has come to be truth more so than we ever predicted.

Originally began as a place where we could share our thoughts, feelings, and experiences as we tread the poly waters we wanted the OPL site to expose all of what poly had to offer, both good and the not so good. 

When our life was amazingly positive, posting came easy and there was so much to share.  But as times became more difficult we realized how honesty, especially when tainted by perspective, can complicate the already messy facts of life.

It is with a heavy heart that we have chosen to step away from the blog. So many changes over the last 2 years have finally taken it’s toll. We just don’t have the heart to post as we once did, and rather than allow our blog to languish in our lack of use we are goign to step back, regroup and find the peace and joy in life that we seem to have lost.

We plan to leave the blog up for posterity, so please feel free to wade thru the archives and the good times.

Thank you all for your readership and your loyalty.

Temptress and Goddess

This family has 4 boys from 6 to 19 and a little girl who just over 4. All of the boys are well known in the scouting troops and the family is very active overall. Sunday, the dad and one of the middle sons joined two of our boys and the rest of the troop at Scout camp for what was to have been a 5 day adventure.

Given our two connections to this family their recent tradgedy has hit very close to home for us.  Tuesday night , rather late, the oldest boy was found hanging in his closet by his mother. News of his death spread rapidly and the father and son away at camp left in the wee early morning hours to make a long and I’m certain difficult drive home.

As a parent my heart goes out to this family as a mother I am identifying greatly with his mother. It is unimaginable and one of the worst kinds of grief to lose a child. My mind conjurs all of these images of a mother of bringing this life into the world and being alone without your spouse by your side to find this child you gave life too, lifeless and departed from this world. I admit to being almost fixated by this tragedy because of the age of the boy, and the proximity his family had to ours.

Somewhere in the equation of sympathy and empathy I find anger. While his family is in my thoughts and those thoughts are filled with compassion my mind eventually turns to this young man and I find anger.

What in this life could be so horrible that death was the only way out. And putting all of those reasons aside, his father was away, did he give no thought to who would find him. That it would be his mother and that the site of him in death would be etched forever in her mind, that she and those around him would forever wonder and question what they missed, what could they have done or not done to save him. Did it ever cross his mind that rather than his mother it could have been one of his brothers or his sister, barely out of toddlerhood who could have found him.  Or worse still, was it not his pain he was trying to escape, but rather create pain for those who loved him. Was it an act of rebellion or anger that caused him to take this step ?

Those who choose suicide to end their “suffering”, have absolutly no clue to the suffering they will be leaving behind. This boy has left a family shattered, and this family will spend the rest of their lives trying to make sense of everything, trying to put the pieces back to together and hoping for life to be normal again. But it never will be.

Suicide is taking the easy way out, you may leave all of your pain behind, but you leave it for everyone else to deal with. This young man’s death has reached far beyond his immediate family  and the ripples and shockwaves will travel further what one could imagine. I have never personally met this young man, only seen him from afar, and his face now haunts me as my mind replays the agony his mother must have went thru and imagining the difficulty of getting thru these next few days of funeral preperation, viewings and laying him to rest.

Our boys and their troop will be returing home a day early in order to have the opportunity to pay their respects. They are  going to be taking part in something I wish for no young person and that is to say a final goodbye to a life ended to soon. 

I urge you our readers, please take time to be aware of your young ones. Talk to them. Let them know it is safe to talk to you. There are times when kids need us to be parents, and others when they just need us to be shoulders and ears. And let them know that if they can not talk to you, you will help them find someone that can talk to. And if that is an avenue your child takes, don’t be offended. Be grateful , because that person may be the one to save your child’s life.

Temptress

Goddess has taken some very serious steps in her relationship with Big. Steps that has her feeling strong and empowered. She is proud of herself and who she is and I am proud of her as well. Not just for her strength recently but for who she is all around.

She made a few comments yesterday afternoon that led me to understand that while she has taken many steps forward with Big, she is still in a many ways allowing the time he is here in the home to dictate the time she spends with me/us. I was of the mistaken opinion that there would be more we could count on, but it still seems that time spent must still be done in his absence. No sleeping schedule next week until he decides what his plans are…. no time spent in the early morning unless he is leaving early for appointments or excercise. No date this week, home and family have eaten up that time, but he sure as hell is still getting his date Sunday.

It’s ok if life eats into OUR time together, but can always expect exclusive alone time. While we as usual must work around our responsabilities of home and family. She and I, or She and Fix and I can not shut ourselves away for 4+  hours for a private dinner and a movie. We can not set a standing date weekly where it is expected he will monitor the kids in our absence. We can not take hours in the afternoon of private talk time. Every single thing we do MUST be worked around the home and children.

The opportunity to watch a 1 hour Tivo’ed program only happens if we are prepared for it to take 3 hours with NUMEROUS  interuptions. But his time is exclusive, it always has been. I resent that we do not “rank” high enough to be given these same opportunities.

I was told yesterday that he would be leaving very early for a hike this morning and because of that she could come and snuggle in the early morning with us.

I used the expectation of that time together to try to keep my emotions in check last night. And this morning woke at 6 am with an air of expectancy. By 8:30, I got tired fo waiting. It became obvious that he wasn’t going hiking after all and that meant she was were she was “supposed” to be. It is now shortly after 9 and I waffle between wanting to dissolve into tears or throw something.

I am angry as hell at him. He changed, he is the one who doesn’t want this family anymore. The three of us still do, we are still here, we want this. But becasue he changed he feels he gets to have things his way. We will never be anythign more than secondary, we will always come after his needs and wants are filled. And to be honest I am angry a her. Angry  that she is allowing, STILL allowing it to be this way. She tell sme she wants it to be different, but I don’t see it.

He recent actions where she is concerned will make things better for her where there relationship is concerned. Communication paramenters, rules of engagment, and his treatment of her. But I see no changes for us.

She is torn, I see that. She is in the worst place possible, stuck between people who love her. and I understand that she has to make choices and find a blance within herself.

I am a rational being, and i understand all of this….. but it doens’t make it any easier. It doesn’t make me want her less.   I got spoiled. As long as Big and I had a relationship, I was able to be with her. I had to be with him 99% of the time in order to have that time with her but it was ok. Tv time, or talk time or whatever was had while he either joined us or flitted around working or ??? Becasue he was included my time with her was sanctioned.

Now that things are seperate, she has to actually take time “from him” to be with me/us. This is where the trouble all stems from. All he can see is what he doesn’t have when she is with us. BUt he can’t understand what  a lions share he has and what we are missing so that he can have that place with her.

I’m trying very hard to tamp down my expections, and to learn to live with what she can give. I don’t want to be angry or resentful anymore. We get so little time, I would prefer it was spent in peace and happiness.

Temptress

P.S. Once again my anger won. Loving another person can bring our your best and your worst. Lately it seems to be my worst. My resentment has hurt her.  I htink the best I can do is to no longer ask nor expect any thing other than what materializes. Make no plans, create no expectations, just take one moment at a time and be grateful for whatever happens to fall into my lap.

“life offers us many choices. But the option to be strong is only given, when being strong is the only choice you have left.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Temptress